How do you live with Agoraphobia?

I'm 25 years old, and a university student. I was house bound after two failed attempts at college after leaving school. I barely left the house for 5 years, practically limited to just taking the dog out (even that was a struggle at times, despite the fact I'd done it over and over again).
After going through counselling, and subsequently getting lost in the bureaucracy of it all (counsellor left and I was never given proper direction on how to continue), I forced myself back into a college course I took before. It was mainly fear driven, I could feel myself ageing and just not doing anything, and that scared me into action. I didn't feel as if I was cured, and there were plenty of awkward moments, but I took pride in at least thinking my life was moving forward in positive steps. I still wasn't going out to socialise, but I felt a part of the world at least. I was still living at home, my sanctuary, so I had a place to escape to.
College finished, got good grades and I decided to go to university. Partly because I felt it would be enjoyable to learn the subject, but also because I was afraid of trying to find a job (God knows how I'm going to explain my lack of jobs over the years, how do you do it)?
At least following the education route, there's less pressure on me to do things I'm uncomfortable with.

Anyway I'm in university now, but I failed my first year. It's been difficult living away from home. I ended up confining myself to the little room I had on campus for the last 3 weeks... not easy to explain it away to friends but you learn to be a good liar under these constant circumstances I suppose. I found the taught subject difficult to learn and I'm not good at asking for help, depression kind of built up and it all just spiralled out of control, I've begun to doubt if I even enjoy the subject, or whether my anxiety is just blocking me from feeling any joy in it.
I feel like I've got no one to turn to here, they don't know about my past and I can't trust them to understand or treat me the same afterward. It's difficult to chat to my parents because I know they'll be disappointed, and afraid I'm regressing.

I'm afraid I'll fail again, and I've no idea where I'll turn to. My parents were so pleased I was starting to make my own way in the world but I feel like I'm ready to fall back into the abyss, and I don't know what will happen to my mental state if that happens.
I have good days (some really good days), and some really bad days. I sometimes wonder how on earth I will manage to hold down a job with this constant pendulum of thoughts and feelings. But then it hits me. Some people are entirely house bound, so how do you live? Do you live with your parents still or are you on your own, how do you get things in to eat, earn money etc?
I can't fathom going back to the way I was, and I know if I ever do, embarrassment of living with my parents at my age and older will stop me from ever moving forward again... I find that to be a terrifying thought.

I'm considering going back into counselling, but I don't know if it will help. Much of my therapy before was about getting out and repeating this pattern. But I took my dog out every day (unless I was really anxious), and there are still times after all these years where I'll stand in front of the door, take deep breathes and force myself to go out. It's not even to a busy place, most of the time there's no one else there... although I do have to walk by a busy street before I get there.

I guess the point of my post is to explain a little bit about my situation (the rock and the hard place), and get some feedback from people who've not managed to beat it after so many years. I can barely imagine how it's possible to live with this well into adult life. So how do you cope with day to day living?

well my workplace is literally 5 minutes walk from where i live and there is only 3 people in my office so i guess it's a fairly comfortable situation..... i don't have a social life though and i stay home pretty much all the time when i am not working..... ironic thing is that i have no problems on going on my round the world trips (i have done 3 already going on my 4th soon) i am only agoraphobic in my everyday environment/natural habitat

I am glad you posted this because we have very similar struggles. I have only worked for my dad in the past so I have no job experience and now I am terrified of getting a job.

I graduated 4 year college with a Bachelor of Science in psychology in 2008. I am basically house bound at the moment. The hardest part of it is that I am smart and I got good grades and I feel like I am wasting my life spending 22+ hours a day in my room.

I am preparing to go to graduate school because I have always been able to do well in school. Part of the reason is that I am afraid of getting a job. This is the reason I got my psyche degree.

I guess I just figured that my anxiety would eventually get better. Unfortunately even with trying many medications and talk therapies I am only getting worse by the day.

im absolutely petrified of spiders! things that small shouldnt be allowed to run so fast, i caught one the other day, it was on my bed covers, i thought i was going to die! so the next day i cleaned and tidied my house from top to bottom, so i feel a bit more relieved now.

FOR REAL said:

im absolutely petrified of spiders! things that small shouldnt be allowed to run so fast, i caught one the other day, it was on my bed covers, i thought i was going to die! so the next day i cleaned and tidied my house from top to bottom, so i feel a bit more relieved now.

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PMSL.... That is "Arachnophobia"... not agoraphobia!!! Oh my you sure know how to make me laugh....

iamthenra said:

PMSL.... That is "Arachnophobia"... not agoraphobia!!! Oh my you sure know how to make me laugh....

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oh aye, another fancy name, for being off my head, who thinks up these words! can they not make them something easier like 'i am scared of spiders' or 'hes crazy lock him away'
like i say dont trust "experts"

I sit alone in my room and rarely go out for anything but school. Im afraid to even go to the bank, grocery store, or even my best friends place.

I don't live, I survive lol. I think the only way to beat it is to get help, whether that be from therapy or a supportive friend, i dont think it matters just as long as they are helping to beat it.. it's pretty hard to do it on your own.

I pretty much sit around at home, i know i should really go out and try and do something, but i really can't be bothered going out all the time knowing i'm gonna have a shit time cause i'm gonna have anxiety. It's alot better then what it was, and thats because of therapy... i started going for a walk 10houses.. then 11houses.. then 12 and so on.. now i walk for ages, i just go for random walks wherever, i still get nervous cause i dunno where i'm going and it's a knew area but i just tell myself i'm being stupid and keep going... doesn't really help but oh well. i keep on walking. Basically ever day i sit here the more and more i wanna get better so sometimes i'm like ah **** it, and i just do whatever... then i freak out and chicken out lol.

Trying to organise my repeat year at the moment, it's hell going through "the system", let alone embarrassing that I'm having to do it all over again, and can't explain in full the reasons why.

I get a disoriented when I'm trying to navigate around outside. Like I lose my sense of where the heck I am. I don't have a built-in compass! So if I'm walking to like, a nearby park or something I'm afraid of getting lost and never getting there, and on the way back it feels like I'm so lost and it feels like I turned the wrong corners and will never get home!
Oddly this never happens in buildings or other enclosed places which I feel perfectly comfortable finding my way around.

I spend a lot of time alone. Unless I'm helping someone do something or have to be awake for some other reason, I'm almost completely nocturnal. I do everything at night; grocery shop, drive around town, drive into and see other states, go to the beach... It's peaceful, but I guess it's no real life.

It's so rare that I step out during the day that I get funny looks from neighbors if they spot me around the apartment complex letting my dog use the bathroom during daylight hours or something.

Somewhere along the line I guess I'm going to have to find some kind of balance between a normal existence and my phobia.

ravens, darling..
first i'll start by saying this is my first time ever joining a forum, and my first ever post, so bare with me, if you can, haha...
i wish i even knew where to start... i'm 21 and i've had some sort of panic disorder for as long as i can remember, but i made it through middle and most of high school. i always found some way to "push through" it and just get my shit done. i found some way to go to school, to drive my car around town, to go to the mall, to go to work, to visit friends, to go to sporting events.. i found some way to do all of that for years and years and somehow, one day, out of nowhere, it's like i went stir crazy and forgot it all.. since may of this year, i haven't been able to leave my house without feeling panic and anxiety.. i was out on my own, living with my boyfriend at the time (who gee thanks broke up with me when i was already down in all of this, ha) i had a good job, was paying my own bills, buying anything i wanted for myself, etc etc... until one day i went to wal-mart (yeah, i'm from the southeast US, lol) and found myself racing to get the hell out of the store because i was suddenly extremely anxious and felt like i was going to barf in the middle of the store! so i quit my job, damn near lost my car because i couldn't afford it, lost everything i had worked for until the break up and i moved back home with my dad, who has been helping me with my bills, while being an amazing support and taking me to my therapy sessions etc etc.. so anyway, it's obvious that the easiest thing to do about my anxiety is stay home and feel "safe"... well it only took me a month of sitting at home feeling "safe" to realize that feeling "safe" sucked way effing worse than feeling "happy", haha.. feeling joy, feeling ANYTHING... so i've been going to therapy etc etc.. i decided for myself that i don't want to "survive" with agoraphobia, i want to live.. i want to do all of the things i used to be able to do... little things.. used to be that when i was upset, i'd take a drive, smoke half a pack of camel no.9s and i'd clear my mind.. but my agoraphobia won't even let me do that.. used to be that when i was feeling less than stellar i'd go to the local mall and get some of what chicks like to call 'retail therapy', but my agoraphobia won't even let me do that... i could go on and on with bullshit examples.. but at some point you have to decide that whether you think life is short, medium or way too long, you're only here once, and you might as well be happy if not ANYTHING else... obviously, i'm miserable feeling like i can't leave my house, things that used to make me feel better, happy or accomplished all seem to be out of reach.. how the hell am i supposed to go on without those things? i'm not.. i just won't do it, i have to get back there, and i will get back there... i guess i'm saying you just have to start walking in some sort of positive direction.. you have to have hope of something, you have to dream your dreams and quit saying "how do i live with this", maybe it should be "how do i live above this"... anyway, i'm going back and forth decided whether or not all of this is just useless of me to say and i should delete it, haha... but alas, some of the best therapy is spitting your problems out and [trying] to help others if at all possible..
so i would want you to start being some kind of positive, does positive seem like a cheesy word? it pretty much is.. but it's a hell of a lot better than negative.. basically, i'm getting this chance to start over, and to become someone better than i even was before.. my only choice is to keep moving, to be positive, to have hope, and to do everything i can to overcome this.. through therapy i've learned that two things are top priority in working through depression/anxiety/etc etc-- EXERCISE and SLEEP.. (which i'm getting plenty of at 4am, right? ha..) somewhere you have to find confidence in yourself, confidence that lets you trust yourself, so you can start believing yourself when you have those little talks about future endeavors- shit that you want to try to make it through, but you have that battle in your head about.. and i guess, supposedly, the best way to overcome agoraphobia is 'exposure' (doesn't that suck?..) just forcing yourself to do anything you might be uncomfortable with so that you can figure out how you get through it and all, and supposedly it becomes easier and easier.. i wouldn't know, it's still hard for me, but when i get there, i'll get back to you haha... you just have to know that it CAN be done. you have to trust in that...

anyway, i apologize for the cluster**** post of randomness that may not even be of use to anyone but myself, haha.. and i apologize for my language, if that offends anyone.. i hope to be posting more poorly formed paragraphs with shitty grammar soon, maybe one day i'll get good at this too, ha

Thanks for posting Katie, I really know where you're coming from. I wish it hadn't taken so long for me to realise that feeling "safe" at home was not the way to move forward and live, and my biggest fear right now is slipping back into that.
Failing my first year of uni after doing so well at College is a big step back for me to take. As if every day things weren't difficult enough I've now gotta contend with this, explain how someone who seemed to be doing so well (I'm a good actor) is now restarting the first year and going back to basics. I'm sick of lying and covering up and making excuses, because i keep worrying some of it is going to come back and haunt me. At the same time I'm a lot older than most of the people around me. It's difficult to share and make people understand what I'm going through, and the last thing I want or could cope with is people looking at me differently, treating me differently, or at least me thinking they're doing either of those things.
So like you say... I push on, take every day as it comes. The basic social support structure I've got now will vanish in 2 years when they graduate though... that last year (if I get that far) might be hell on earth, and I've got no safe place to retreat to.
I can't even discuss this with my parents because while I know they'll be supportive, I know they're gonna be so disappointed too. Can't lie forever though right?

At least I can take stock of the fact I can do more things than I used to be able to. If I'm with friends I can go shopping without feeling overly anxious (it's still there, of course)... I can answer the phone confidently for the most part (couldn't do that before), and for the most part I can "act" confident when the need arises. See for me showing that I'm as nervous as I actually am, is the nightmare scenario. So in a way, explaining to people now would make them all the more puzzled, as I hide it so well. Not that I'm out partying every night, or any night for that matter... which must seem a little odd.

It's just tough times... still waiting on things to click together and simply get easier every step of the way. I know I can't go back to being housebound again, I'd rather not be on this earth any more than go back. As good as I was at distracting myself (kept me sane, but also stopped me from effectively moving forward), it'd only be a matter of time before I slip into utter despair.
I guess that's one of my biggest motivations right now, I just hope it's enough.

bahhhh... i'm terribly sorry any of us have to go through this =/
do you ever think about online courses or anything? it sounds like the university is your ONLY option.. but i guess in my town, we have a community college, hell, my own dad graduated from that college the same year my friends graduated from high school (i didn't graduate, i said fukk it and got my GED, haha) ..anyway, i did go to college after i got my GED and loved it, it's a goal of mine to get back there, but i certainly don't feel as rushed as you

i feeeeeeel you on the excuses thing.. i turned 21 this year at the height of my agoraphobia.. you wouldn't believe how many friends and some not really friends were all "heyyyy let's go get fukked up at the club! you're 21!" "heyyyy what are you doing for the big 21!?" haha... pretty much all of my close friends know, and they're all behind me 100%, what a freakin blessing, i know! i have a group of friends from high school that still gets together to hang out (probably 7 or 8 people or so) and four of them actually have a house together.. i used to absolutely love our get togethers, especially during the summer when more people are home from college, we're the kind of people who sit around until 4am doing absolutely nothing and still have the best time, just cracking each other up.... anyway, i've been missing all of that and it kills me.. but i just be funny katie about it and say "yeah guys, when i'm not crazy any more, i'll totally be there!" ..i'll probably be missing a halloween party too, (favorite!) but i said i may make it a goal to at least drive there and stay for if only a few minutes, and i'd be dressed as a sane person.. heh..

but with most people, it's all about excuses or avoidance, and that is just annoying and hard to get around, ugh... again, in the midst of all this i went through a break up, and for some reason once your "facebook relationship status" goes from 'in a relationship' to 'single', you get a bunch of "hey girl, hows it been? we need to get together sometime" messages in your inbox (HAHA... i know right..) so that was a lot of avoiding and shunning (dammit..) lol

also, with you parents, i get you there too! since i turned 15 my dad was on me to get a job, he's a firm freakin believer in working for everything you have... i had to get a job to get my car and then start paying all of my own bills.. thing is, i hate working! i just hate it! haha.. i've struggled with employment, and not even all because of my anxiety, it's just because i hate working... so i've gotten plenty of the 'ungrateful' talks and "well everybody has to do it, katie" talks from my dad in the past... we've had tooooo many fights where i was being a brat and didn't want to work and go to school at the same time, needed help paying my bills and he'd get ill having to shell out money, and everything else under the sun...so when my agoraphobia kicked in and i quit my job, i sat around for a month (living with boyfriend at the time) avoiding any calls/texts/e-mails from my own father because i was scared as hell what he'd have to say... when i finally broke down, got broken up with and had nowhere to go, i called him.. and to my absolute surprise, he answered with open arms and has been my number 1 support since... i've been so blessed to have him right now (my moms in the picture, too, she just lives in a neighboring city in a 1 bedroom apartment, ha) ..anyway, he actually knew of a therapist to set me up with, has been paying my bills and been helping in every way possible.. i will never in a million years pay him off for this one..

anyway, you can probably tell i try to keep a positive ass attitude about all of this.. i just know that thinking any worse will NOT make anything better.. at all...
"whether you think you can or think you can't - you are right." -henry ford
i love that quote, it's so true, but so hard to truly live by, ya know?
i do wish you the best of luck, ravens.. i hope you can be strong and just make yourself be some kind of positive, because even if it's a lie, eventually it won't be..

Aiyieeeee said:

Sorry to hear all of this. I don't think I have agoraphobia, but I do stay inside and in my room alone a lot.....all the time.......

I have no friends, I've never been to a party. I'm now in my 5th year of college. It's gotten better, but my first year, I'd go home every weekend. I hated it. My little box room was so small and if I wasn't at class, I was inside there.....alone. It was so miserable. And I always had to have the door locked, which frustrated my roommate. And I hated when he'd ask, "so what did you do today?"
How long can you keep giving the same answer, "Nothing", before it just gets awkward and embarrassing and he starts to think something is wrong?

They say if you go home every weekend your first year, odds of you remaining in college are slim and that's what people were telling me about myself so I'm at least thankful that I kept at it.

Like you, I was great with my grades. Honor Student. In the top percentile. Got the most awards and scholarships on Senior Night at my High School. I got into my first year of College and actually failed a class. And this was after I was told that I had passed it. I was enraged, defeated and in shock all at the same time. Of course my GPA just went to heck after that and I even got on probation. This isn't me at all. Thankfully I got off of probation and didn't get into Academic Warning and then a suspension from College.

I've still never been able to recover and get back into the 3.0s but maybe after this semester.

I don't believe my family knew how bad it was until I went to college (Not that they really do now). While at home, although I never went out or socialized and got comments here and there that I ought to go out, they never really honed in on anything being wrong. Although I was diagnosed at 16, I still got comments such as, it was all in my head or I was just not into people or stuck up or didn't care. I was in Symphonic, Marching, and Jazz Band for some years so maybe that distracted them. I eventually had to quite though, because I was the top trumpet and I couldn't take the pressure. I didn't want to march out in the front line of the parades or be the one who was "supposed" to be the best. That was really the only other connection like that that I had before I quit.

Like you, I also worry about my job history and filling out applications. I hardly have anything to put down. I have some volunteer work I did for 9 months and a KFC job I did for 4 months. I've been in college for 5 years and I haven't been able to bring myself to make any connections. I haven't had a job in that time. No volunteer work and no internships. I envisioned my College Career so much more differently. Before I was diagnosed, I always thought I'd just grow out of my condition. Knowing that Social Anxiety/Phobia is the #1 most misunderstood Mental Disorder and in the group of Mental Disorders that tend to get worse as you get older is very disheartening.

Like I said, I stay inside all of the time, never going out but for classes. My issue is more so the people than the outdoors. I shy away from people and keep to myself. Plus I never have anywhere to go anyway. Working in groups and having to partner up are some of the worse things that you can make me do. I was diagnosed when I was 16 and I am now 22 and have just come around to the idea of getting help. I finally want help. I'd like to go on some pills. No medical insurance so I'm out of luck for now. Still suffering.

Also, the idea of getting a job and going out to work is rather scary. I'll be surrounding by people, dealing with people, servicing people. My family has been getting on me about getting a job and helping out but they just don't understand. Not that I still haven't tried over the summer, but nothing came of it though.

So yeah. It's scary to think about the future. I don't want to be the creepy old guy who lives alone that people shun away from and talk about and are weirded out by and keep their children away from because they think he's a pedophile or a psychopathic murderer or something.

I've always said I was fine being alone, but I guess that was more for my sanity than anything else because if I'm really honest with myself, I guess I really do wish I had some friends, people to do stuff with and places to go. I wish I was more out there and ambitious and outgoing and not always alone. I've never even been in a relationship (Really has family members guessing/worrying). Which I've also kind of told myself I'm fine with and that I don't understand relationships and don't relate to relationships and how they're just not me. That I don't identify with them and would lose what little sense of self that I've obtained over the years if that were to ever change, but alas once again, I know I'm just lying to myself and would very much like to have someone. Life would be much easier.

I've been trying to fool myself for a very long time and once I click "Post Reply", I'll continue on trying to fool myself because I can only remain in moments of clarity such as this for so long before who knows what will happen. And really, I'm not successful in this abysmal attempt to fool myself. I just ignore all of this and willingly submit to denial. It's easier I guess.

Lately I've been in my head a lot. More so than normal I think. Sometimes I don't even realize it until I come out of it and back to reality. Things have been becoming so vivid and real. And I like it. This kind of scares me. My grandma always told me that sitting up in my room with nothing but my four walls to stare at was going to drive me crazy. While what I create in my head is so much more better than reality, I hope I'm not going crazy, but I don't want it to stop.

There are some people out there in your exact shoes. Some people have it worse and some people have it better.

Just know you're not alone and hopefully you can find some comfort in that and continue to do well and get help whenever you feel you need it.

Good luck my friend.

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you're brilliant. honestly, thank you. i found so much comfort in what you wrote..i don't even know if i have agoraphobia, but i'm starting to see the symptoms more & more lately. it just really comforts me to know that i'm not alone. i'm not crazy. it's not in my head. thank you.

I really recognise a lot in your post Aiyieeeee, thanks for sharing it with me. I remember before I attended counselling thinking I have some really bizarre unique condition, until I saw it affecting others.
It does help at times, especially difficult times to know I'm not the only one with these crazy nonsensical thoughts going through my head, stopping me from doing things.

I'm glad I found this place in the end, I never even thought to look in the years gone by.

My question for you guys is are you guys even thinking about all those accumulating tuition fees that are building up because of fail classes? I'm only on my 2nd year of college and i'm already afraid. I'm also thinking about going to University after my AAS, but I don't know if i should. My family is rather poor and we're basically living off welfare...so i have to put a limit somewhere. I go to college for the chances to meet new people, not for the degree... Isn't that a bit selfish?

Nack said:

My question for you guys is are you guys even thinking about all those accumulating tuition fees that are building up because of fail classes? I'm only on my 2nd year of college and i'm already afraid. I'm also thinking about going to University after my AAS, but I don't know if i should. My family is rather poor and we're basically living off welfare...so i have to put a limit somewhere. I go to college for the chances to meet new people, not for the degree... Isn't that a bit selfish?

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Government pays for my schooling, but either way I go to school to get a degree. I would say it is somewhat selfish because if you go to college to just meet new people you can go somewhere else where its much less expensive...even free