How should a woman deal with a shy-guy ignoring her or being withdrawn?

Every time things I think that are going great with a shy guy I've been talking to he pulls back big time. He would ignore all messages I send him until he feels ready to return and talk to me. At first I thought he might have been pulling some PUA stuff on me so I waited it out. But every time we do talk things between us would be AMAZING. :applause:

So far these are the explanations he's given me:

1) he doesn't think he is attractive
2) he's not the showy kind of person
3) expressing his emotions makes him feel weak
4) he's very passive
5) he's shy

At first the silence would go on for 3 days, then 2 weeks then hovered between 2-3 weeks and now it's been 4 weeks. :kickingmyself:

Whenever he comes back there would be tons of apologies and explanations and then things would be AMAZING again for a few weeks and then BAM! I don't know what hit me and radio silence all over again.

So over the course of almost a year now these are the things I've tried. I've got 2 approaches to this. I either wait it out and mirror his silence or I would text every few days to see if I would get a response. I would send cute messages. songs, funny messages to make him smile or laugh and occasionally some flirty ones too. He's either responded or ignored to everything I've tried. If I use the reaching out to him method he would respond maybe every few days if he's feeling alright but sometimes there's always that period of completely ignoring me.

So my question for you guys is: Should I leave him alone when he withdraws or should I bite the bullet and continue to send him messages even with the chance of him ignoring me completely? :question:

Wow grey! That reminds much of myself some years ago, unlucky one of the persons I related deeply didn't got so much patience as I would have appreciated but of corse can't condemn her. Everyone as it own limits I guess...
Personally I suffered for severe depression for a long period...bipolar. What kind seems to be when I was reading it. Although it can be completely other reasons (just a thought). But if it's you should try to make him to talk about till you both find a solution as most of times he won't have strength even for most of daily tasks, and a relationship of any kind will make him feel like it's gonna marry tomorrow...anxiety and depression can instead of fading away rise it up and make him disappear for another period, making him feel even more incapable.
Maybe you need to try to understand what he needs more what you both need, as we will just be capable of a relation when most of's problems fade you.

And I thought I and my ex were shy...*Scratches chin* Think about it this way, take all the days you talked and average them with the days you didn't. If the days were that fantastic, then it's more then worth the wait and work for them.

Have you considered the fact that he may not be very interested? What's he like with friends, especially women friends if he has any? All the shy guys I know would respond to a straightforward girl who likes them if they were at all interested themselves, even if they were hesitant, nervous, or awkward.

Avoiding you for weeks and ignoring most of your messages sounds like disinterest, but could be a pretty serious mental health concern. He may not be in any shape for a relationship right now. A year is a very long time to be chasing someone and still getting the cold shoulder.

I'm pretty sure he is interested. That was NOT my question. I did say when he does contact me that things were pretty amazing. And amazing means the attraction between us is unbelievable and we've both told each other how much we like each other and we've both been extremely clear. The only issue are the withdrawal periods which happen directly after our interactions being so amazing. If I had any doubt of his interest in me we wouldn't be still at it after eight months.

that's why I never understood a 20 year divorce

What about physical attraction?

Have you met this guy?

You seem to only mention text messages or online messages here, if I understand you correctly.

we have not met but whatever pictures, vid chat exchanges we've had have been positive.

Bronson99 said:

What about physical attraction?

Have you met this guy?

You seem to only mention text messages or online messages here, if I understand you correctly.

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I've had a few pretty reasonable relationships on the nett and one fantastic one. I think she's operating mostly off of personality and very strong creatively. Not the same as flesh and bone relationships, but very satisfying nonetheless.

Well, you could request an honest dicussion with him about whether or not this pattern is one that he is comfortable with and the standard you should expect for the future. Because if this isn't enough for you, then you may need to fill up the void elsewhere. I'm not saying to threaten or pressure him into giving you more than he's comfortable with, just pointing out that sometimes relationships require a certain fluidity if both partners' needs are to be fulfilled. He might be totally cool with whatever arrangement you'll suggest, but he needs to be aware of the exact way in which your needs are not being met, first.

My 2 cents.

Oncemore117 said:

I've had a few pretty reasonable relationships on the nett and one fantastic one. I think she's operating mostly off of personality and very strong creatively. Not the same as flesh and bone relationships, but very satisfying nonetheless.

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Not really. At a certain point a "deep internet relationship" should become flesh and bones, because there's an inevitable limit to how much you can know someone simply online. That is my take on it, anyway.

Time to turn the tables, whack him over the noggin with a big club, and drag him back to your place. That'll give him the message.

I had experienced something similar to this and it turned out he had been pursuing a bunch of other women at the same time. Sending them the same photos and messages. Don't be taken in by internet pretenders, there are many.

I keep wavering back and forth on this one. Should I stay or should I go? When he comes back should I ignore him or should I take him back? I don't know any more. All I know is that I do feel better when I think that he would never come back and so therefore I would never be in a place of desperation ever again such as when I don't hear from him.

All of my abandonment issues get triggered by this and so I'll be at an awful awful place when I feel ignored like this. Maybe it's just time to save myself from all the pain and agony.

4 weeks is way too long to go without talking to someone. And in my experience, if people are interested in each other they tend to close the gaps as opposed to widening them.

I don't know what his issue is exactly but it sounds suspicious to me and I would probably just drop him.

I dont think he's avoidance of you should necessarily be tied with the shyness to be honest.
There is too many other possible explanations to just chalk this down to shyness, i'm sorry. Commitment issues or other personal problems for example. The fact you don't even receive a text makes me think it could be something else entirely. A text msg requires little to no courage to accumplish.

Does this guy sound AVPD to you guys?

He's probably sat in his bedroom all day and night ****ing off whilst playing GTA.

I'm surprised you'd even spend this much time thinking about a guy who barely responds to you. You're extroverted and could be out there living your life, and finding someone else in the "real world" who gets your motor running. Surely an exclusive internet/vid-chat relationship cannot be satisfying you at this point.

There's a first for everything. Don't be too surprised. I don't fit into many stereotypes. He's the only one who gets my motor running. If this is the medium he chooses to use to speak with me then so be it. I'm learning his language. If he is AVPD..then he needs this time away to recuperate from our exchanges. I get it. I understand. What am I supposed to be doing? Hah. There is no supposed to do. We all are autonomous. We do what we like to do. I do my job. I work. I get my shit done. It's just that he is who I adore. He is the one I want to spend my time thinking about. If I am not working, I am thinking of him and how wonderful it would be when he does come back. If he doesn't then yea, I've got plenty of things to do and to keep busy. I'm not sitting here idly and doing nothing. I am a busy bee.

But I understand for an introvert, like yourself, you cannot fathom what an extravert would do. It's all here-say really. It's nothing you would be able to grasp unless you were one or in this case, me. I am not typical. I don't conform to the social norms. I care about this person. I care a lot. I promised him I would give him what he gives me + bonus and he's done more for me than a lot of people I know. He has helped me get through some issues with abuse I had in my past. He's helped me see the world in a different light. He's shown me acceptance of people who are different from myself. He has shown me strength and patience. He's taught me these things. Waiting for him to speak to me again is the least I could do for him. Not leaving and put on airs and say I demand attention is the least I could do for him. Being gentle and caring and smart enough to realize that this guy is a special guy who deserves a lot more attention and care than the average guy. That this is not the typical "he's just not that into you" BS that the media likes to spew. No, I trust him when he tells me how much he likes me. I trust him that he is only gone because he doesn't like himself very much. I trust that it has nothing to do with me but it has all to do with him and his issues, whatever they may be.

If I am causing his withdrawals, I promise I will do better next time. I promise I will be more soft spoken. I promise I will care just a little more than I have already. I would apologize for not caring enough. For not being extra careful with his sensitive heart. Ya see, it takes a special person like him to bring this out of me.

As a kind friend pointed out to me tonight that this guy might be AVPD and he might need some extra loving. That I might not be soft enough. Not caring enough. I need to show more. So I will. If I must. Because I have nothing to lose.