It's been two years and a couple of months since the last time I stepped beyond my garden. I haven't gone out since the day I finished high school, and every time someone passes in front of my house I hide so there is no possible way I can be seen from outside.
I'm all but happy about this. This isn't who I am. I've always had some anxiety inside me, sure, but nothing like this. I used to be known by everyone and they wanted me involved in their conversations, but now my neighbors think I left the country or something of the kind. ''And how is MsWho?'' they ask my mother. ''Ah! She's fine, doing great. Thanks for asking''. It can't be good having such a loser for a daughter. I don't answer the phone nor I go see who the heck is ringing the bell. The bathroom becomes my hiding cave when someone comes visit, and I usually take a book or a jigsaw puzzle with me because I know I'll be there for an hour or two.
Living in a third world country where there are no good professional psychiatrists and everybody speaks really (REALLY) bad spanish reducing the possibility for me to be properly understood when trying to explain each one of my demons, does not help much.
I've had Dengue, a sprained ankle, serious asthma attacks and food poisoning, and none of those would make me go out, not even to see a doctor. I'm surprised i'm still alive (and stupid, apparently).:kickingmyself:
Here's the thing:
I'm tired.
I'm barely 19 and I can't work from home forever. That would drive me nuts (even more nuts), I don't wanna work as a translator for the rest of my life. Being inactive for so long makes me feel sick. My body's craving sun and lots of exercise. I want to go out. I want to study and learn more languages. I want to write and I want to meet the person that'll teach me how to do it properly. Back in high school I had so many plans for my life. I was going to be great if not mighty. Back then I wanted to become the best version of myself there was to be, but now I'm housebound and earning money with the bit of english I know.
Leaving this problem behind me is something I MUST do. I don't recognise the girl I see in the mirror. All I wish to do is slap her the hardest I can. The hatred I feel precludes me from sleeping. I wasn't able to have a peaceful childhood and it's clear I'm not the most sane teenager. My adulthood can't be this f**ked up too. :no:
NO MEDS, NO BABY STEPS. I'm doing this at once and I need advice from people who overcame their problems by building up confidence. I want to learn how to shake off panic when it holds tight to my mind.
Please, anyone?
I'm all but happy about this. This isn't who I am. I've always had some anxiety inside me, sure, but nothing like this. I used to be known by everyone and they wanted me involved in their conversations, but now my neighbors think I left the country or something of the kind. ''And how is MsWho?'' they ask my mother. ''Ah! She's fine, doing great. Thanks for asking''. It can't be good having such a loser for a daughter. I don't answer the phone nor I go see who the heck is ringing the bell. The bathroom becomes my hiding cave when someone comes visit, and I usually take a book or a jigsaw puzzle with me because I know I'll be there for an hour or two.
Living in a third world country where there are no good professional psychiatrists and everybody speaks really (REALLY) bad spanish reducing the possibility for me to be properly understood when trying to explain each one of my demons, does not help much.
I've had Dengue, a sprained ankle, serious asthma attacks and food poisoning, and none of those would make me go out, not even to see a doctor. I'm surprised i'm still alive (and stupid, apparently).:kickingmyself:
Here's the thing:
I'm tired.
I'm barely 19 and I can't work from home forever. That would drive me nuts (even more nuts), I don't wanna work as a translator for the rest of my life. Being inactive for so long makes me feel sick. My body's craving sun and lots of exercise. I want to go out. I want to study and learn more languages. I want to write and I want to meet the person that'll teach me how to do it properly. Back in high school I had so many plans for my life. I was going to be great if not mighty. Back then I wanted to become the best version of myself there was to be, but now I'm housebound and earning money with the bit of english I know.
Leaving this problem behind me is something I MUST do. I don't recognise the girl I see in the mirror. All I wish to do is slap her the hardest I can. The hatred I feel precludes me from sleeping. I wasn't able to have a peaceful childhood and it's clear I'm not the most sane teenager. My adulthood can't be this f**ked up too. :no:
NO MEDS, NO BABY STEPS. I'm doing this at once and I need advice from people who overcame their problems by building up confidence. I want to learn how to shake off panic when it holds tight to my mind.
Please, anyone?