mmmm

Sorry dude/chick. Long distance hug.

Ihateit

^^ Thank you.

I feel like I am going downhill day by day. Every morning I wake up I am so annoyed that I am alive and that I did not die in my sleep. I know it is so bad to think this way, but I just cannot help feeling like it. Every second of the day I am thinking about what I can do to myself to make people want to help me and to notice I am very ill. Yesterday I heard a conversation between my mum and sister and my sister was basically asking what was wrong with me and why have I been so quiet. My mum replied 'because she is tired.' No it is not because I am tired, it is because I am down, depressed, anxious, hurting myself. That is the reason, not because I am tired. My parents would not undertand if I told them what is happening, they would not care that I feel like dying because I suffer from facial blushing, they just would tell me to get over myself and deal with it. If they found out I was hurting myself on purpose they would not care the reasoning behind it they would shout and shout until they made me feel even worse about myself. They just do not care, no one does, the GP would not even help me the other day, he told me to wait a week. I could of done something stupid within a week and then he would of regret not helping me. Why can no one see that I cannot cope with what is happening to me. I have not eaten much in the past week, I normally have a small bowl of cereal in the morning, skip lunch, and have a little bit of dinner in the evenings. I feel so weak and sad.

desoconnor

I think that you should give yourself more credit... you are strong enough to see the doctor and that takes a lot of courage. I've never been strong enough to do that.

You got a job, and apart from the meetings, you sound like you can do it.

Your parents are scared and don't want to think that they have let you down, or that they are some how to blame. So they react angrily. I think if you haven't been there you don't know.

Hurting yourself never helps. I have done it, I have missing teeth cos of it, and its just made things worse.

You have help and support here, and some understanding. You're not alone...

Lea

Is there anything you would enjoy? And if there is no job you think you would enjoy, you could maybe quit this one and live on casual jobs, like cleaning in people´s homes etc. The saved money you can use then for doing something that you enjoy or something that would get you further. I myself am not pushing myself into jobs that are overly social because I know my limits. At most I have recently worked as a carer for the elderly which unfortunately also requires sociability, but at least isn´t so high profile. If you are scared what your family would say to living on casual jobs or whatever it is, I would just tell them all my problems and everything. If they can´t deal with it, it is their problem. Or is it better for the sake of what your family says waste your time hiding instead of going to work, hurting yourself and getting worse and worse? What do you have to loose? You need to get better and you won´t if you keep lying to others and to yourself and escaping your problems. This may bring you maybe a temporary alleviation, but is not a solution and you will get on a downward spiral.

Nicholas

Heh, I used to hear conversations I should not hear way too often. Now I guess everyone knows there's something wrong with me, so they don't ask anymore.
I once heard my brother in law trying to convince my mom that "if I am not taking exams, it definitely means I don't care about studying and university". Duh. The truth is hyperhidrosis and SA (usually in the form bushing/heatwave + unstoppable facial sweating) ruined my confidence, life, everything, gave me anxiety and made me depressed. And haven't been wanting to be on crowded trains or classrooms anymore.

Now I don't know what to do, but one thing is for sure: I can't live this way, so the only solution is to try to SOLVE these problems. Because I want to live.
Don't be so depressed or sad, Ihateit, I know you want to live too, it's just that our life sucks... but let's just try to make it better. I know once I'm out of it, no matter how long it'll take, I will be a better and stronger person. I am still sad and depressed too, but I DON'T want to give up, I can't accept giving up.

I always feel like everyone is watching me too, but now I am trying to do a thing: check if my fears are real or not. Some days ago I was at a beer fest (I felt good because it was cold outside), but I felt uncomfortable because I felt everyone was watching me, I was even afraid they could see my "goose bumps" (I felt cold, but it's always MUCH better than feeling hot and dripping), and think I was stupid, weird, or something. Then I started to notice who the people watching me were. I tried glancing at them regularly, and guess what? They weren't really watching me or interested in me, not at all. They only happened to be looking in my direction or glancing at me the first time... which is enough to make me paranoid and think they are watching me constantly. But that was not true. Just once, just like everyone does, just like you casually glance at someone.

So, I am trying to see if people really care that much about me and would spend the night laughing at me instead of listening to the band playing. I know I will find out they don't care, so I should stop being so paranoid.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have a lot of things to try before I get better... It'll take years maybe... but I want to keep trying.

desoconnor

Nicholas - stop it, you'll make those poor people paranoid and think that you're staring them?!?!

No seriously, that is a good idea... take a little time to look around your surroundings and see what people are doing. Once you find that people are busy with their own stuff it'll help you to settle down and get on with your stuff.

Nicholas - I've been dealing with SA for 15 years, it takes time but its worth it. take it a day at a time and celebrate the victories

tgates209

I have a pretty bad issue with blushing too. When it happens, I feel sucky and sometimes I feel po'd at myself. However, in my opinion, life does NOT suck. Life is good. Life is a GREAT thing despite the blushing. Try not to forget that no matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse. IHATEIT - I would sincerely recommend doing a cliche thing and count your blessings and reach out to help someone who may be in real need. Blushing definitely causes horrible feelings to each of us who suffer with it, but it doesn't threaten our lives. There are some out there struggling to find food and/or homes for themselves or family. They would love to see you come around to help, blushing and all.

Having preached now, let me say that I believe you CAN overcome blushing. So many have and so many more will - do you want to be one of them? I'm on my way to beating it and I've submitted to the fact that it will take time and consistent mental effort. I don't think there is one solution, though there are basic things in general that helped people as they beat it. Since it is a mental issue, try to research and find the things that will slowly help to turn the ship around for you. The cure for you has to come from your own guts.

I happened to buy this cd/mp3 called Stop Blushing Now by a guy named Gary Ambrosh who details his personal fight with this stuff and how he overcame it. Some of his blushing examples really hit home and he actually appeared to have a worse problem than me - which was both a surprise and a relief. I thought I was alone and a weirdo freak unlike any. I now know I was wrong.

I wrote to Gary on several occasions and I asked him how long it took for him to overcome it. He basically had two phases during his recovery. The first was where he had initially figured out how to relieve the symptoms to "normal" level, but then relapsed back into the problem. He then reapplied himself with even more determination and cured himself of this debilitating anxiety issue. The first phase was approx a year before he relapsed. The second phase took approx ten months before he was completely over it. That seems like a long time to some (like me!), but he is cured. I wish I could say I am cured right now but I can't. I CAN say that I have made progress and will continue to apply myself and tweak things along the way until I achieve victory. Like yourself, I reached a point in my life where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of this anxiety issue having control over me. I decided to either get busy living or get busy dying (emotionally) as the movie goes. I believe you can do it too.

Just never give up, face your fear daily, and you will succeed. I really believe it.

Tom

Lorraine Manca

I'm sorry you're going through all that. Its so hard because there is no immediate relief. That's very scary in itself.

Ihateit

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply. It does mean a lot. Believe me.

[QUOTE] Is there anything you would enjoy? [QUOTE]

I would LOVE to join the Police Force. Admin is not for me, I find it boring, not motivating and makes the days go slow. I would like to help people and have from a young age wanted to be a Police Officer. It is my dream job. At present it does not feel it will ever become a reality.

---------

Anyways, today I explained to my Line Manager about my FB problem. I was not going to but I thought it might make things a little easier on me. I was wrong. Now everytime I speak to my Line Manager, I find it embarassing and cannot help but to feel ashamed and stupid. I must say she was very understanding and I explained to her about my ETS surgery I had last year for my FB (something I have not even told my parents). I just feel like she will constantly be watching me now, which is something I do not need.

I have a meeting tomorrow, I am so scared and nervous about it AGAIN! There will be even more people present this time, and I cannot take another day off, nor can I take a sick day. I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

I have a GP appointment tomorrow evening, I am scared about what she will say. I do not want her to say there is nothing that can be done. I just do not know what I would do if those were the words that she says. If she only mentions about going councelling to help me, I will not be happy, I need her to understand it is a physical problem and not a mental problem. No amount of talking will cure my FB, the only thing that will help is a cure.

I hate my life, I want to wake up tomorrow morning and be somebody else. I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't bare to be me anymore.

Nicholas

That's not true. I really believe it's an emotional problem, and when you keep worrying about it and the worry itself becomes a cause as well, then it's a problem related to anxiety and the way it works is similar to that of panic attacks.

I have similar problems, but I know I can fight them. Unfortunately my low self-esteem makes me perceive everything as something to be ashamed of, as a danger for my feelings, and I get these hot flushes. I am sure that's true of you too, if you think about it.

I will be researching into these things this summer, so please stick around and don't lose hope. Take care.