I dont feel thin enough to admit or seek help for an Eating Disorder

Ever since my grandmother died a couple months ago ive fallen back into insessant need to control my food intake, meal times, calories etc. Its gotten to a point where im almost always hungry or always full. When i started i weighed about 123ish pounds. My now ex friends and I would go out every weekend to eat, and just so that i could stuff myself on those days i only took in 800 calories in the weekday. Needless to say i ended up gaining and loosing weight uncontrollably, so then i started throwing up to keep constant(but stopped after two or three times it didnt feel right) . I started running regularly again after that but kept up with the weekend stuffing, i just didnt want to admit that i was mad or sad at everyone so eating and starving helped with that. I know alot about nutrition which is also why i didnt want to admit that i was stupid enough to fall into this. Then starting in about January i stopped the 800 cal and weekend thing and increased to 1200 cal daily even on weekends and lost more weight went down to about 118. After a couple months i hit a plateuu and figured it was because my metabolism was slowing down, thus the only reason i increasd to 1400 was because i knew i was gaining weight in 1200. I havent actually binged but i feel on the edge of it all the time, the most amount of calories ive ingested was about 2,000 and that was three times last week and i feel horrible. Because of that ive only been eating about 1,000-1,200 again to make up for last week. I lost my friends beacuse of this shyness thing and they dont seem to care or ask how im doing with this. In my head its because they dont belive i actually have an E.D, most of the time i dont even believe myself. Im about 110 right now and 5'3 which is not that thin at all. in my head i wont be happy until i get to 100, but i feel closer to 200 sometimes i am soooo afraid of eating because i feel i wont be able to stop and keeep on getting fatter and fatter. I know im not making sense, but in a way it makes more sense than many other things in my life right now...

Ive been there! and still in recovery, mine started in high school aswel! It went from extreme strict dieting, to bulimia, then to major binge episodes without the purging and now I'm at the point where I still am in the cycle but now I don't care about it, it also does not control me anymore I have alot more control over this eating monster.

Recovery only comes when you accept yourself right now and your eating disorder situation, if I was you I would get some help as it is extremely hard to break out of this habbit! the best advice I can give you is;

1. STOP WEIGHING YOURSELF GET RID OF THE SCALES
2. MAKE AND EFFORT OF GOING TO THE GYM 3-4 TIMES PER WEEK, but don't hold strict expectations on yourself regarding your workouts, and at the end of each workout tell yourself "well you know what I'm proud for going"
3. DON'T COUNT CALORIES EVER AGAIN
4. DON'T RESTRICT YOURSELF FROM ANY FOODS, IF YOU CRAVE SOMETHING EAT IT BUT IN A SMALL PROPORTION
5. EAT EVERY 2-3 HOURS THAT WAY YOU DON'T GET OVERLY HUNGRY AND YOU ARE LESS LIKELY TO BINGE
6. THINK PROTEIN, VEGGIES, HIGH FIBRE, LOW G.I FOODS AS THEY KEEP YOU FULL FOR LONGER AND ARE GOOD FOR YOU
7. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP IF YOU DO HAVE A BINGE, RATHER BE MINDFUL OF HOW YOUR FEELING AND WHAT MOOD YOU ARE IN WHEN YOU WANT TO BINGE, TAKE 5 SLOW DEEP BREATHS AND REALLY FOCUS ON IF YOU ACTUALLY ARE HUNGRY OR NOT, DISTRACT YOURSELF & GO FOR A SHORT WALK
8. ANTI DEPRESSANTS HELP TO STABILIZE YOU AND INCREASE SEROTONIN WHICH IN TURN REDUCES BINGE EPISODES
9. TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT FOOD AND WEIGHT, ONCE YOU STOP THAT YOU WILL LOOSE WEIGHT IN TIME ALONG WITH REDUCING YOUR EATING DISORDER
10. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER GIRLS, FIND GOOD THINGS YOU LIKE WITH YOUR BODY AND SELF
11. IT'S A MATTER OF RAISING YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND FINDING OTHER GOALS IN LIFE TO PURSUE RATHER THEN FOCUSING ON YOUR BODY ALL THE TIME
12. REALIZE PEOPLE DON'T CARE AND ARE NOT ALWAYS JUDGING YOUR BODY & HOW YOU LOOK, YOU ARE MORE THEN JUST A BODY SHAPE AFTERALL!!
13. ONLY BUY HEALTHY FOOD WHEN YOU DO YOUR FOOD SHOPPING, THAT WAY IT IS HARDER AND MORE OF AN EFFORT TO START BINGING

HOPE THIS HELPS!
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Im actually in college right now but yes it did start in high school although a bit different, joining numerous sports helped to distract me from that back then...now im 20 and its back. If i tell my mom shell be so dissapointed but thats the only way i can get medical help because im still under her medical coverage and since im in college im totally broke.

Thank you both so much for posting i havent had a real convo in days and this was a relief for me in so many ways. =)

i dont wanna get help becoz im afraid that professionals only have a shallow understanding of what goes on in the heads of people with ED's and body issues. and that they would suggest patients to be at a 'healthy' weight, and their idea of healthy is so far from my idea of what id be comfortable with. i feel that they think that what people with body issues feel are 'all in their heads' and disregard that looks also do matter. but thats just how i feel, i dont know how true it is..

i have heard though that just being and working with people and the stuff and tools you'll learn from them can really be helpful

Check if there is a support group near you...

In my country there's a support group run by a person who used to have problems with ED herself, they went running every morning together etc, I read an article a few years ago about it..

People of very different weights have had problems with ED, in different ways...

I lost my Granny a few months ago and it affected me badly too (in different ways though) Do you have anyone for support with things? There may be a general support group/day center that can be helpful too, and/or might give you free access to a psychologist or such.. Check what is available locally.. Maybe even your college gives you access to a psychologist/therapist or such? Maybe even someone for 'general help' could be helpful.. (to deal with emotional aspect of it all..)

You look good and seem to have a good bodyshape if that's you in the avatar!! I know it's not helpful if others say this, I actually find people who are not 'too thin' more attractive though lol, and many other people do too!! Check and learn about BDD, there is some info on the forum and online, there are books too etc..

You can do serious damage to your body and your teeth with throwing up (a friend had problems with this, lost her teeth at 30), so I hope you're not doing that anymore.. She would only buy/have in house limited amount of food so she didn't binge.. (went to a special clinic for ED and they helped, the schedule and regular eating helped too..) A relative went to a clinic too and got help..

People sometimes don't 'understand' sadness or 'overemotional' stuff.. Maybe some other grandkids or kids/relatives also see things differently or weren't so attached to grandma.. (That's what I saw at least..) People go through things differently.. Maybe your friends still like you, just don't know what to say or how to go about things.. Or you will find new friends who will understand or you will have more in common with..
People who haven't experienced a loss sometimes have no idea what it can be like until they experience something like that first-hand...

I think you're a wonderful caring person and I wish you good luck with things!!
Oh, and I admire you for running and being sportsy!!

((Take care)) Know you can talk here... ((hugz))