I don't have a reason to live anymore, let me die tonight.

If I could ask God for something, it would be to let me die painlessly tonight, in my sleep. I've screwed the entire novel of my life, to this day. I was alright at some point, but then it all went down hill. My boyfriend dumped me for good, and the only thing I have to offer him is sex every now and then. He doesn't want me for shit in his life. I gave him many ackward moments and was always quiet with his friends. I could not ever come to look him in the eyes or be normal even during sex. I fucked up so bad and to me this is the peak of it. He constantly asked me to get a job, and hurry up and change, and I didn't do those things. I feel so bad, it's a goddamn curse. Damn the day I went to that tarot card reader, who told me I needed 3 spirtual cleanses to be alright again, damn her. And damn my crazy aunt who threw withcraft sea salts to give me and my mom bad luck, when we were living up north. The world used to be so beautiful and wonderous to me... now it's all gone. I don't dream of the future anymore. I only worry about what it has that I fear to experience. I hate living. Please God take this pain away. I'm a product of all my actions, and fuck the people who encouraged me to be shy, to hell with everybody who contributed to my lack of confidence. Fuck this shit of a life, I want to die man, I just want to do it gently. Please God, what the fuck am I living for. I can't save anybody, I can't help those poor emaciated children in Africa, how the fuck am I going to do that when I can't even look at somebody without feeling anxiety. I can't make anybody love somebody like me who is too afraid to be seen. I make everybody have ackward moments. I just wish I could start all over again, to make things right, and do it right this time.

The only thing that made this life worth living is being loved in return by the man I loved, and he let me know for good, that I am not what he wants anymore, and that he has moved on. Fuck... dear God, you would be so kind to wipe me off the face of this earth, I hate myself. What the fuck must I do to be happy, it's like theres a fucking curse over me, fuck everybody who made this happen to me. I remember a time when I knew I would grow up to be someone important, and fuck who did this to me? Damn those people. God please help me out here, I can't take this pain anymore. What the fuck do I do? Please God, tell me what to do, otherwise I choose death.

why are you blamign yourself for not being good enough for some whack bf!
Girl, let me tell you-- ive been in he same situation-- andyou keep telling yourself that you were too weird to have him love you--

No honey-- he was too weak to love YOU!

Usually going to bed helps me get up in the morning with a feelign of renewal---

you can msg me if you wanna talk

No, he was very good to me, very good to me, he gave me a lot of chances, I failed him so many times. I gave him the most ackward experiences of his life, I allowed myself to be weak and seem like somebody who cannot appreciate. I hate myself so bad, this is just enough to make me want to die. I just can't take this regret anymore. I love this guy with all my heart, he's all and the only thought that ever restrained me from killing myself, when I still had him. This is absolutely unbearable. It kills me. I just want to be sedated.

Why are you asking permission to die to a non existent being? Ask the pedobear instead, he will rape you at night and in doing so kill you..if you are underage that is.

Fuck your boyfriend, he looks like an asshole. " hurry up and change". His frustration is because he wants a normal woman to show off to his friends. "looks she's hot and cool",blablabla. BE GLAD you are rid of him. First learn to accept yourself,your disorder whatever. You can't do that when asshole is around.

Don't think about africa. I hate when people compare problems." Oh but at least you aren't paralyzed", "or you still have your health".=doesn't mean shit. Every point of view is different, there are those who have everything and still feel like shit=you can't help it.

God is looking out for you and hears your cries. I will pray for you to be strong and find courage & strength.

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No he is not, he's probably laughing his ass off seeing babies get raped or better yet, he's framing Lucifer for the xxxth time!

Goodluck OP, don't kill yourself yet. If you do, take your asshole boyfriend with you.

[Part II]

^^Alright lets not make this an argument about whether there's a God or not..This thread is about Livingwithoutlivin and no-one else!

let me die painlessly tonight, in my sleep.

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I told my friend I wanted the exact same thing to happen to me last night! And she said she's thought the same thing too...Let me tell you though, a guy breaking up with you is nothing to kill yourself over! Almost EVERYONE gets dumped at least once. If you don't, then you're either one of the lucky few who marry the first person they date, OR you're an unlucky person who never experiences love. Also, when somebody dumps you, it's NEVER your fault! It's theirs! Never forget that! I'd give anything for a girlfriend with SA because then we'd both understand each other and I wouldn't feel intimidated or anything...But now I'm just ranting...Hope I helped a little..

lol SOMETIMES its not that bad of a thing that this forum is not moderated anymore @ Volaju fun post.

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a jerk who just wants somewhere to park his dirty penis....you don't want that do you??

You can do better!

Nonsense, keep on fighting that guy is a total asshole.

Re: I don't have a reason to live anymore, let me die tonigh

Livingwithoutlivin said:

I just wish I could start all over again, to make things right, and do it right this time.

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You can, every day that you wake up. You can't change it all in a day, but you can change something. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself. You can't change the world, but you can change how you interact with it. You can't start all over again, but you can pick up where you left off they day before. What you need above all right now is patience with yourself.

Maybe I missed something, but I don't quite understand all the hate for the guy we know next to nothing about.

Livingwithoutlivin said:

No, he was very good to me, very good to me, he gave me a lot of chances, I failed him so many times. I gave him the most ackward experiences of his life, I allowed myself to be weak and seem like somebody who cannot appreciate.

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This may all be true, but it doesn't make you worthless. Don't tie your value to any other person, no matter how highly you think of them. From what you say, it doesn't even sound like he hates you... breaking up just means he believes he'll be happier elsewhere, not that he believes you shouldn't be happy. Your dependence on him may be what drove him away... it sounds cliched, but you need to love yourself first in order for a relationship with someone else to work out.

What the fuck must I do to be happy

Establish your own life. Doesn't matter if you haven't accomplished anything yet, there's plenty of time. Happiness is as much the byproduct of working toward a desirable goal as it is a result of achievement.

If you believe in curses and tarot cards and witchcraft, then they control you and you'll never be able to do anything. If you don't believe in them, they can only amuse and motivate you.

He is a good guy, but I guess it's true, he wants somebody he can show off and brag about to his friends. The second to last time before we saw each other, he said, if you get a job and a Car then I will date you again, but I know your not going to do that. He doesn't understand that my anxiety has gotten in the way of that. But when I see that it's so easy for him to do, it makes me wish I was more like him. I feel so depressed and I can't erase this fret from my face, I hate that it's there even when I go to sleep. I just want to be happy and bubbly for the next guy I meet. I wish I was that kind of person for him, I was like that somewhat, until my last job from last winter, it made me so depressed and then i started questioning how strong I really was inside, because I got treated badly by somebody at that job, and it just made me think I was not the strong person that i used to think I was.

You may not be able to just go out and get a job like his... but you can put yourself on a path toward that. You could try out a part time volunteer position to see how you can handle it. You could look into which jobs would be easiest to handle (for example, a customer service job will drive almost anyone insane... but a quiet office job could be a different world). You could do something part-time or occasional. You can't give up on all jobs just because last winter's job was a disaster.