cray123 said:
I have been a loner for the last 7 years. But just recently its gotten worse. I have stopped going to my office for the last 3 weeks. I told them I am sick. I just dont have the energy to go anywhere. I feel so strange when I am walking outside. I always have to keep talking to myself and reassuring myself when I am outside. I dont know what to do. I thought I was a nice person. But maybe that was a lie to myself. I am constantly jealous of other people. But I am not making any kind of effort to solve anything. I sleep making promises that I will handle things better tomorrow. But everyday is just passing by and I am falling. Is this the end?
Its definitly not the end, i'll reassure you that first. From what you'be written you sound overwhelmingly self-conscious and judgemental towards yourself, e.g. 'I thought I was a nice person. But maybe that was a lie to myself.' Being jealous is natural sadly enough in todays society, so don't shame yourself that way. And don't beat yourself up about not achieving your promises, the fact that your setting goals is a good thing, and something too many people with SA fail to begin doing.
Do you have any hobbies or belong to and clubs of whatever sort by any chance? If not i would recommend you try. I know i have and its helping. Also i don't want to steal this thread in anyway, and im not implying your like me. But i used to deep down somewhat enjoy feeling sorry for myself and being overly pessimistic, it went well with the music i listened to at the time, and i felt a strange kind of happiness in being sad all the time. Its only now i've finally learnt to not deep down enjoy feeling sorry for myself, or even really bother. I think you just need to start thinking about what YOU would like in life and work towards getting that, its never to late to start. Start listening to some music with good vibes each day toom continue look positively to the future, appreciate life, appreciate the people you see on the street, try enjoy the setting, focus on the sounds around you, and just release yourself, don't feel so caught up in your own thoughts.
From now on instead of being somewhat jealous of other peoples happiness, try feeling happy for them and realising they are technically just like you . . . human, only with a different upbringing and i guess genetics. But otherwise just recognise that you have potenttial just like everyone else. Try stride confidently next time your out. But don't read too much into how you appear on the street or how your feeling, or what others are thinking of you. Wear an ipod maybe, or a nice pair of sunnies, whatever you like.
Also with your job, please go back to working there asap, seriously its a job, some people struggle to not only find a job around where they live, or even be granted the job. You on the other hand have this job (not sure how much you like it), which provides you with a source of income. Just try stay motivated to continue making a living, make it a goal to go back in a week or so if you must, then reward yourself for going back if you like. Also, i really firmly believe you should seek joiing a certain club or partaking in a hobbie which could make you friends, i really think this would work well if you just find the courage, interest and motivation. All the best.
