Queen_Regnant
Well-known member
I don't know who I am anymore, or if I ever did. I feel like an empty shell lately. I feel like a fake. I force myself to smile and be friendly all the time, I force myself to be cheerful. I don't want to burden anyone by being sad. It makes things awkward to have to associate with someone who isn't happy when they aren't your friend.
I don't have any real friends - Only acquaintances. I don't know how to make friends. I'm anti social, but when I do allow myself to let someone in just a smidgen, I become attached.. But yet I still don't know how to open up to anyone emotionally. I feel they're only using me and that they are only going to stay as long as I keep giving them a reason to, so I do. I spoil them in whatever ways I can, usually materialistically and/or sexually. I like to think that I'm a good person because I would do literally anything for someone if they are in need but I can't help but wonder, am I only doing it because I'm lonely?
I'm pretty to look at and I'll buy you things.. but I don't have any outstanding talents. I'm not very smart either. I'm not interesting. I don't drink or do drugs or watch TV or do anything that people can relate with it seems. Once they start to realize that I'm just a lonely walking shell, they disappear and I can't blame them.
I avoid things that people tend to have big opinions over, such as politics. I don't want my voice to be heard anymore, because it seems in the past I was always ridiculed or ignored entirely for them. I let myself remain ignorant so that I don't have to face rejection of my actual feelings.
This last year or so, I've felt that I've loved myself in the end. Even if I was alone, I still enjoyed who I was.. but now I don't know what exactly I love because I don't see anything that is there. I'm a ***** who keeps people away, because I'm to scared to let anyone know who I am.. because I don't think I am anyone anymore.
I don't have any real friends - Only acquaintances. I don't know how to make friends. I'm anti social, but when I do allow myself to let someone in just a smidgen, I become attached.. But yet I still don't know how to open up to anyone emotionally. I feel they're only using me and that they are only going to stay as long as I keep giving them a reason to, so I do. I spoil them in whatever ways I can, usually materialistically and/or sexually. I like to think that I'm a good person because I would do literally anything for someone if they are in need but I can't help but wonder, am I only doing it because I'm lonely?
I'm pretty to look at and I'll buy you things.. but I don't have any outstanding talents. I'm not very smart either. I'm not interesting. I don't drink or do drugs or watch TV or do anything that people can relate with it seems. Once they start to realize that I'm just a lonely walking shell, they disappear and I can't blame them.
I avoid things that people tend to have big opinions over, such as politics. I don't want my voice to be heard anymore, because it seems in the past I was always ridiculed or ignored entirely for them. I let myself remain ignorant so that I don't have to face rejection of my actual feelings.
This last year or so, I've felt that I've loved myself in the end. Even if I was alone, I still enjoyed who I was.. but now I don't know what exactly I love because I don't see anything that is there. I'm a ***** who keeps people away, because I'm to scared to let anyone know who I am.. because I don't think I am anyone anymore.