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Old 09-22-2008  
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bloodyrose's Avatar
 

Default i don't want to be alive anymore

i am not sure i am doing this right. i just typed in i wish i were dead and i came up with this website. so i guess i will just say what i am thinking. Maybe something will happen, i don't know what but i can only hope that some kind of miracle will happen because i can't take this feeling anymore. I am feeling more and more like i want to be dead. i am so miseable. i can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling this way, so lonely and hopeless and worthless. i have felt this way since i was a teenager and it has never really gone away, but now it is worse. it seems like no one cares about me. i am so lonely. i have been alone for so long. i am 49 and i just feel so worthless. i have never been married. i don't feel like there is any reason to live my life, what is the point, i have nothing to live for. my daughter doesn't even seem to care about me. i try to hard to do things right but i guess i do everything wrong. what is there to live for if you have no career, no energy to get one, poor health, depression, money running out, not funny, no talents, not very smart as you can tell by my poor writing abilities, no life, nothing, just misery. i get sadder and sadder everyday and keep hearing this voice (not really a voice but sort of a thought or voice or something) telling me to take a bunch of pills, and sometimes i feel like i will do it even if i don't want to, like an urge or something and i get scared when i picture my body lifeless lying there. then i feel bad because no one would care anyway, in fact they would be better off with out me really even my daughter. no one seems to love me. and it is true. i think i am one of those people who are crying out for help but no one hears me and then when i am gone they will all wonder how they didn't see the signs, or maybe they do but they just ignore them, i think that is it. my family just doesn't care about me. Or they will probably just feel sorry for me that i was such a looser, and it would be one more reason in thier mind that confirms to them that i am a looser, and no one will ever understand me. anyway i didn't mean this to be so long. i have tried medication and it doesn't work and i am sensitive antidepressents. i have tried many things. i also have severe insomnia and i am addicted to ambien which is making me feel worse and it doesn't seem to work, it just makes me feel horrible and i can't remember anything anymore, which makes me feel so worthless and dumb. thank you for listening.
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Old 09-22-2008  
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No matter how old, there's always a chance to learn something new, and to teach someone.

One of the most important things I've read was that "inactivity begets more inactivity". Very true.

There's gotta be something you wished you've learned earlier in life; start now.

It's all about learning to do more shit in life. It can be easier said than done, though.

We're in the same boat here, hopefully not for too long.
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Old 09-22-2008  
Xos
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hi to the two of you, bloodyrose and walk!!

I understand you are feeling that way, bloodyrose, social phobia makes us think that way. If, as you said , medication cannot help you, u can try therapy, try going to another psychologist because there are some good ones.
I went to therapy with a doctor in psychology and after 8 months i got no improvement, i got very disappointed and didn' t want to do anything to help me, but now i think the best thing i can do for me is look for another psychologist. I had no luck the first time, but it doesn' t mean i won' t be luckier next time.
Well, i wish you the best.
If you need any support, here i am.
bye!!
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Old 09-22-2008  
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Hi Bloodyrose

My dad's had depression most his life, and after my parents divorced he was around 50 odd, and he got really bad, saying lots of similar things to you...."whats the point of life? I have no talents,no future, etc", he even attempted suicide a few times,....but now, a few years on, and he's found another girlfriend, he's got himself a steady job and a nice home, and he even went to disneyland lasy year, which for him was amazing, cause he's barely travelled anywhere in his life....but my point is, that there is life after depression. Happiness is possible. To every problem there is a solution. Right now you have one view of the world. But there are millions of possible views to be taken of the world. You just need the lights turned on. That's what depression does to you...it makes everything seem dark. But it's not true. You're a human being and you're free. No matter what your skills are, you can walk and talk, and you have just as much right to live how you like on this planet as anybody else.

Like my dad I've also been in and out of depression a lot of my life, so I know how it feels. The whole black abyss thing and the meaningless thing....oh man, it's horrible....but the best way I get out of it is to take each little problem one at a time and figure it out....ALWAYS trying to think positively. ALWAYS upwards. Never without hope.....so if finances are worrying me, I'd start figuring out how to earn more or spend less or whatever. But I'd chip at it til it's no longer a problem. And if my self esteem was low, I'd read books about it, and search the web for answers. and I read books about meaninglessness and depression too. Life goes up and down. Depression is like when you're just too far down. Everybody has problems, but sometimes the problems just get too heavy for us and we start to despair. But to me it's like a very messy room where you just don't know where to start cleaning it up. It all seems too much. But if you just start anywhere, piece by piece, slowly tidying the room, eventually you'll see glimmers of light, and before you know it your room will be beautiful again!

But talking of beauty, I don't know if this will mean anything to you, but there's a great song by Eels called "Hey man (Now you're really living)" with lyrics such as

"do you know what it's like to fall on the floor
cry your guts out til you got no more
hey man, now you're really living"


and it always made me think, whenever I got depressed, I knew that there aren't many human beings that ever experience these kinds of lows in life, and how depression, if nothing else, is surely a sign that this person is living life to the extreme limits. I think, while it's a horrible condition, there is definitely honour it.

Now that I'm feeling much better these days, it's hard for me to remember exactly how depression feels, but all I know is that you're probably feeling horrible right now, and so I'd like to offer you my email address and say that if you have any questions or wanna talk or vent or absolutely anything else....you're more than welcome to email me.

worrywort@easy.com

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Old 09-22-2008  
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Hey man.

I have a question, did you have a bitter past? You know things like bullied, abused, bad parents, negative society, you know all the negative things? I want to know what happened to you during your childhood. Were you treated special or what?

Sure some of the things are already late, but you can still overcome this fear. One of the most important thing I learned in life is that to focus more on what you want than thinking negatively everyday. Did you try medications or other methods?
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