I don't want to live with my girlfriend anymore

I met a girl on a dating website 2 winters ago and we were friends for about half a year. My parents wanted me out of the house, and so did hers. We ended up renting a 2 bedroom apartment where we each had our own room, and that was great because I like my space. We spent one year like that, and towards the end we started sleeping together. Then she asked me how I felt about having another roommate to take her old smaller room. I said ok (now regretting it hardcore, I only agreed because it seemed that was what SHE wanted, and we both save $200 on rent a month now)...we renewed the lease for a 2nd year. So now my gf and I share a room and there's a girl in the other room. Now there's a problem. I feel suffocated, I can't be online without her reading over my shoulder now and then. I feel like she's possessive, clingy and jealous. If I were to go out and come home at 2am on a Saturday night, I guarantee she'd be upset. I want to go out and come home at 2am but I don't want to deal with the consequences.

What should I do? I like her, but I'm starting to hate feeling trapped in my own apartment. I have nowhere to go. Can't go back home. I want to run away, or get in my tiny car and get ran over by an SUV.

I hate how I want a relationship when I'm lonely, but when I have one I want to get the hell out of it. I hate life. Everything would be fine if I could afford to live ON MY OWN.

It seems like you want a relationship as long as it's on your terms. I have a tendency to be the same way unfortunately. You want them around when you need them...but then when you don't feel needy you want them to just take the hint and leave you alone.

I always told my husband the most successful marriage would be one where husband and wife could live next door to each other.

in a way...it's really true.

Some people just need more space and time than others.

If you are viewing your girlfriend as clingy,possessive and jealous...there may be something going on inside of her that is turning her into this sort of mate. Perhaps she has doubts about you or she feels that you don't want to be there with her?
Either way, you need to stop stewing about it and talk with her. Have a reasonable conversation without accusations or shouting.
I find it helps to write down in list form the points you want to make during the conversation. Anytime it spirals into something else you can refer back to your list to reel the topic back on track.

Reading over your shoulder, making you answer for being out til 2am...these are things that come with ANY relationship. I find it's easier to deal with these things when i view them as concern rather than jealousy or clingyness.
She wants to know you're ok. She wants to know where you've been maybe bc she was worried. She wants to know what you're doing online bc you may not be talking enough with her for her mind to rest easy about you.

Relationships are tough. But communicating as openly and honestly as possible will take away all the guess work for BOTH people.

Agent_Violet said:

It seems like you want a relationship as long as it's on your terms. I have a tendency to be the same way unfortunately. You want them around when you need them...but then when you don't feel needy you want them to just take the hint and leave you alone.

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Yes! I wish I never felt needy. I don't want to need people, ANYONE, like that. I want to be okay without anybody's help. I am stubborn.

Agent_Violet said:

I always told my husband the most successful marriage would be one where husband and wife could live next door to each other.

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I believe this. However once again I feel like I can not trust myself to commit to one woman. I think most guys have this problem. I want to fertilize many many many women, as many as I find attractive and who will have sex with me. I want to be single but at the same time I want someone who will always be there! UGH.

Agent_Violet said:

If you are viewing your girlfriend as clingy,possessive and jealous...there may be something going on inside of her that is turning her into this sort of mate. Perhaps she has doubts about you or she feels that you don't want to be there with her?

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Our other roommate is the one turning her into this person I don't want to be with. My gf told me this morning that our roommate is telling her things like "He's a jerk, he's immature and is just playing with you" etc so it's screwing with her head pretty bad. I want this roommate girl OUT of here so my gf can move back into the other room! I'm getting close to giving this girl a one month's notice to get the hell out. She is not listed on our lease.

so really you want to have your girlfriend on the back burner but you want to have a revolving bedroom door sexlife.

I fully understand this urge. However, if this is how you feel, your girlfriend needs to be clued into that fact. It simply isn't fair to want an open relationship like that but keep her out of the loop.

This isn't the other girls fault hun, this is you wanting to cake-eat. you want to have your girlfriend there but you don't want her there.

Your quest to not need people will end up hurting you in the end. I may not know a lot about many things but this i do know bc i've been there. It's scary to need people...they usually end up letting us down. But, maybe your girlfriend is the exception to that...maybe if you give her a real chance she won't let you down.

I hope you don't feel like I'm attacking you. I feel like you're mature enough and smart enough to understand I get where you're coming from.

Rather simple really! Tell the 3rd wheel he/she has 30 days or so to get out and then move back in separate rooms! If she objects? Well...tell her then your gonna move out! I think the staying out till 2am is just you needing space?

fitftw said:

I believe this. However once again I feel like I can not trust myself to commit to one woman. I think most guys have this problem. I want to fertilize many many many women, as many as I find attractive and who will have sex with me. I want to be single but at the same time I want someone who will always be there! UGH.

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To be blunt about it I say that you just tell her this and stop wasting her time.

And most guys aren't like that. I'm not saying that what you want is wrong, but don't drag someone else in to it making them a paranoid wreck. Feeling like fallback company is the worst and it's unfair on her.

If I give her a real chance, then that means I have to give up on ever having sex with another woman. That's a HUGE sacrifice. As easily as I got with her, I could get with another. Sure she's a nice girl, and I do enjoy when we go out places. It's just being stuck with her here in this house that drives me nuts. I like to be home, in my shell of a room shut off from the outside world. I feel invaded sometimes. I feel like my way of life is misunderstood by her. She really likes me, I can tell she does. That's why I can't help but feel bad, because I am so against being emotional and opening up to people. I've been on this site for a long time and never have I really complained or gotten emo about anything until now.

I guess I need to choose between her, and every other woman on the planet that I could have a chance with. Just as I'm unsure about there being a God, I'm unsure that any girl I am with is actually "the one." The divorce rate is staggering. I think we ALL settle for what's there waiting for us at the time, until time takes its course and withers the relationship, much like mold on fresh produce.

keep cake?

eat cake?

tough call, but it's nearly impossible to have your cake and eat it, too

fitftw said:

If I give her a real chance, then that means I have to give up on ever having sex with another woman. That's a HUGE sacrifice. As easily as I got with her, I could get with another.

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So women are disposable to you. I think you need to just break up with her and move back to mom and dad's house. That way you can be as free as you want and no one but you gets hurt.

I can't move back home though. I'd commit suicide, seriously, before doing that. I HATED living at home. I don't care WHO I have to hurt, I am NOT going back there.

fitftw said:

I don't care WHO I have to hurt, I am NOT going back there.

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maybe it would be best to stick with male roommates then?

Are you working full-time? If not, full-time work could be a solution for your problems. Not only would you get out of the house more that you feel suffocated in, but it would get you more money so you have the option of moving into your own apartment.

Also, if you are working full-time, it gives the option of getting with another girl if you do decide to break up with your g/f. Women are usually more likely to go out with a man who has full-time employment.

That "we all settle for what's waiting for us" thing was very depressing. I hope some people find true love. I've met people that I believe were in love, so I do believe real love can be out there for some people.

It's true that the divorce rate is staggering though. Over 50%. That's a giant animal.

fitftw said:

I think we ALL settle for what's there waiting for us at the time, until time takes its course and withers the relationship, much like mold on fresh produce.

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Wow, that's pretty depressing. Relationships often wither as time goes on and people change sure, but that's hopefully not because you were only 'settling' when you first started going out.

As I said before you really need tell her all of this so that you don't mess with her head.

I'm not working full-time, and I have no friends because I don't go anywhere. I completed service in the military and have been collecting unemployment and/or going to college on the military's dime for the last 2 years. I make as much as people who work full-time for $12 an hour. This will end late next year though, so I'll have to get a job then.

I guess I could find a room on craigslist, but I'm not going to screw my gf by breaking my half of the lease. She can't afford to pay that much. So we're stuck here til next October. Maybe it will work itself out over time. I'm just bored, as many people get in a relationship. This is when people end up cheating, making mistakes, getting angry for no reason etc...having sex with the same woman for days, weeks, months, YEARS on end gets extremely........old....

explain to her that you want to be just roommates then. tell her you want to see other people. it might be a relief for her to get some honesty from you.

If I tell her I want to see other people, she will think she did something wrong, and who knows what she'll do. Women can get crazy. I don't want her to kill herself or go back to smoking. We just quit cigarettes together a week ago.

That might be part of the reason I'm like this right now.

I don't know if this helps, but at least you are currently in a relationship where a woman connects with you and cares about you. I'm a loser who has been single for my entire dating-eligible years, practically. Only had one g/f, and that was like 6 yrs ago.

If you want out of the relationship, then I'd advise getting out of it. Don't stay in a relationship because you are scared of hurting the other person. If she can't handle not being with someone, then that's her problem. Your duty in life isn't to make a woman that you don't want to be with feel better by being with her.

Dating is about doing what satisfies you, ultimately. Everyone should date someone they want to be with, and if they don't want to be together, they should break up. Love is a two-way street.

OceanMist said:

Your duty in life isn't to make a woman that you don't want to be with feel better by being with her.

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That is pure genius. I don't know why I feel like it IS my duty. I'm just weird like that. The thing is I know that I will definitely miss her. Nobody has treated me better than her. It's like I sabotage everything good that happens to me. Why would I do that? There's something very wrong with my mind. I feel like I don't deserve good things, so I push them away in subtle ways.

We talked about it and she agrees she liked "us" better before the roommate moved in. I told her to tell her friend to stay out of our business in a polite way. It's weird to be with someone and have a roommate who has a hard time getting dates. Obviously there's some jealousy going on there.

fitftw said:

That is pure genius. I don't know why I feel like it IS my duty. I'm just weird like that. The thing is I know that I will definitely miss her. Nobody has treated me better than her. It's like I sabotage everything good that happens to me. Why would I do that? There's something very wrong with my mind. I feel like I don't deserve good things, so I push them away in subtle ways.

We talked about it and she agrees she liked "us" better before the roommate moved in. I told her to tell her friend to stay out of our business in a polite way. It's weird to be with someone and have a roommate who has a hard time getting dates. Obviously there's some jealousy going on there.

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The best advice I can give you right now, is to be assertive. Don't be afraid to disappoint others to make your life better. This is YOUR life. Not her's, not her roommate's.

Nobody owes anybody a relationship. Love is something that must be desired by both parties.

coyote said:

keep cake?

eat cake?

tough call, but it's nearly impossible to have your cake and eat it, too

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I've never understood that phrase. Why would you have cake and NOT eat it? Uneaten cake is no use to anyone, not to mention being a crime against all things decent.