I feel so far behind in life

I'm in my early 20s with no job, no friends, no social life whatsoever, and no solid plans for my future. I went to university for 3 years studying something I didn't really like and then I quit my program due to depression. Now I'm going back to college to study something else and I have to start from scratch... none of my previous credits can be transferred. I feel like shit.

I look at all my peers from high school and their lives seem so much better. They had a great college experience, made tons of new friends, partied a lot, got into relationships, started working, living on their own, and all that other stuff. I never experienced any of that (and probably never will). Everyone changed and grew up but my life has been at a standstill. I spent the past 3 years memorizing textbooks and dwelling on how shitty my life is. Most of my peers from high school will be graduating university next year and I'll be starting all over again.

I don't know how the hell this happened. I did so well in high school... my teachers and family used to tell me I had a bright future and now I have nothing. I'm trying to change things now but it seems pointless when I'm so far behind everyone. And it seems impossible because of my social anxiety... this disorder has destroyed my life.

There's a lot of emphasis on comparing oneself to others. Forget them and just do you. Whether or not these people fail or succeed in life, how they're progressing and etc is irrelevant to your own personal success.

Be ambitious. Find what you love, do what you love and exceed your own expectations. Social life, acquaintances and friendship comes naturally both in class and work as it puts you into a community where you'll involve yourself.

I understand how you feel, and I'm approximately a decade older than you. Not only do I feel behind all my peers (I have always felt that way), but I am not where I wanted to be in life by this point. However, I recently started reflecting on my life, not so much my younger years when I felt like I had a lot of promise, but the more recent past when I felt like I was just wasting time. On the upside, I have come to realize how much progress I have made in the past few years by being more proactive in my own life.
Since you appear to have started a new program at school, maybe in a few years you could look back and celebrate what you have accomplished. Keep it up!

Catalyst said:

I'm in my early 20s with no job, no friends, no social life whatsoever, and no solid plans for my future. I went to university for 3 years studying something I didn't really like and then I quit my program due to depression. Now I'm going back to college to study something else and I have to start from scratch... none of my previous credits can be transferred. I feel like shit.

I look at all my peers from high school and their lives seem so much better. They had a great college experience, made tons of new friends, partied a lot, got into relationships, started working, living on their own, and all that other stuff. I never experienced any of that (and probably never will). Everyone changed and grew up but my life has been at a standstill. I spent the past 3 years memorizing textbooks and dwelling on how shitty my life is. Most of my peers from high school will be graduating university next year and I'll be starting all over again.

I don't know how the hell this happened. I did so well in high school... my teachers and family used to tell me I had a bright future and now I have nothing. I'm trying to change things now but it seems pointless when I'm so far behind everyone. And it seems impossible because of my social anxiety... this disorder has destroyed my life.

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i know exactly how you feel. i failed this semester in college (and pretty much this one) also due to depression, anxiety and lack of motivation. i look at other people my age and their already well off and have careers. but at least your trying again.

Hey if its any consolation, Im in my 30s and going back to college. Not quite gotten what I need to get my independence either. I say look at it this way, its better that you figured out that that last path was not what you wanted before you got half way through life or something. Also you now have a second chance at making new friends and whatnot. It seems that making those connections are a little easier in college than say, in the workplace. Work with a therapist because this is all really good exposure therapy for you.

lilmutegirl said:

I understand how you feel, and I'm approximately a decade older than you. Not only do I feel behind all my peers (I have always felt that way), but I am not where I wanted to be in life by this point. However, I recently started reflecting on my life, not so much my younger years when I felt like I had a lot of promise, but the more recent past when I felt like I was just wasting time. On the upside, I have come to realize how much progress I have made in the past few years by being more proactive in my own life.
Since you appear to have started a new program at school, maybe in a few years you could look back and celebrate what you have accomplished. Keep it up!

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I will add to the older and still feel that way mix - but also with age comes wisdom. Sorta. Life will pass you by if you don't learn that YOU need to make things happen - not just react. Proactive. And not compare to others esp with ages. Will be a never ending story then.

I made progress and slipped back and life throws crap your way - but it's all experience. Process. It's funny looking back at probably your age Catalyst and felt so behind and missed out on a lot. Now I'm 29 almost 30 and ---- I've said same exact words. Feelings will always be there but I realize age is a number. We are TOO OBSESSED with it. So you're 23 - you have so much time. I've accepted a lot is to come and I missed out on stuff BUT - we can't dwell on what we've missed out on or else we will continue to miss out on it. Because it just eats away at you and we get into a reactive mode, and life passes further. Compare to friends/etc. and feels worse.

Why going to college again at 30 or whenever is great - there's only a few things that age hinders, sports, etc. But even then... I mean, I just am at a time where BEFORE I'd let the past and what I failed to do or feelings consume me which carries with you.

ANYWAYS - guess my point is as the other ppl older here we're all still young with plenty ahead, so we may be slower to reach there then others. Nothing wrong with that unless we make it wrong in our heads

update

so I went back to college and it was a total disaster. Didn't make any friends and became so depressed that I couldn't do any of the work. I skipped my classes and took zeroes on all my tests and assignments for the first time in my life. I ended up dropping out again. I've been NEET for several months now and I have to participate in an outpatient program after a violent outburst and suicide scare. Hooray!

You are still young, if there is no hope for you, there is no hope for us. I regretted not being more proactive and serious in looking for ways to make me feel better when I was younger. All I did was trying to look normal and hide away my problems. Things will change gradually if you continue to try. 10 years later, you will not look at your life the same way again. I wish I'd tried.

uhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm seriously get over yourself and just pick something and become obsessed with it. you talk about how great you were in grade school. Then prove that in college. About college.


Look if your going to community college, just go to the one closest or checkout the campus or program. I am an experience college student and some of these places are death traps. The best campuses or colleges are with the more country bumpkin folks.

Any other college in a graduates area is meant for hard workers or graduates only. So get your bricks together, get some work and get a loan.

Catalyst said:

I'm in my early 20s with no job, no friends, no social life whatsoever, and no solid plans for my future. I went to university for 3 years studying something I didn't really like and then I quit my program due to depression. Now I'm going back to college to study something else and I have to start from scratch... none of my previous credits can be transferred. I feel like shit.

I look at all my peers from high school and their lives seem so much better. They had a great college experience, made tons of new friends, partied a lot, got into relationships, started working, living on their own, and all that other stuff. I never experienced any of that (and probably never will). Everyone changed and grew up but my life has been at a standstill. I spent the past 3 years memorizing textbooks and dwelling on how shitty my life is. Most of my peers from high school will be graduating university next year and I'll be starting all over again.

I don't know how the hell this happened. I did so well in high school... my teachers and family used to tell me I had a bright future and now I have nothing. I'm trying to change things now but it seems pointless when I'm so far behind everyone. And it seems impossible because of my social anxiety... this disorder has destroyed my life.

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I think you need to cease comparing yourself to others. You never know what is going on in their lives. Furthermore you are just in your early 20s and have a full life ahead of you. You have plenty of time to get into relationships, acquire decent jobs, complete your education and live on your own. However you first need to supplant your negative, self-deprecating, thoughts like "I have nothing", "my life is shitty", etc. Actually, you should be glad that you quit studying something you do not like because had you proceeded to obtain a degree in a subject you detested, you probably would have spent years and probably decades doing a job related to the same repulsive subject. It is also unwise to use number of parties attended by your friends or petty jobs secured by them in early 20's (most of them do not have a degree yet) as yardsticks to judge yourself.

Believe me, you will find college much easier now. The experience, knowledge and insight amassed by you during all those years will make this journey considerably easier. You just need to shun these negative thoughts. No one can help you if you hate yourself so much.

You said that you have nothing. Not true. You are still better than more than 75% of people who do not have access to clean water and internet. You are certainly more fortunate than those kids who are diagnosed with some sinister genetic ailments and never make it past their teens. You are undoubtedly have a brighter future than those who live in war-torn areas and cant leave their homes, let alone go to college.

Can you tell us what exactly triggered your depression or social anxiety issues during college days? Can you see any psychiatrist?

CallmeEccentric said:

You said that you have nothing. Not true. You are still better than more than 75% of people who do not have access to clean water and internet. You are certainly more fortunate than those kids who are diagnosed with some sinister genetic ailments and never make it past their teens. You are undoubtedly have a brighter future than those who live in war-torn areas and cant leave their homes, let alone go to college.

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True enough, but it's different if you use 1st-world standards. Around places of affluence (or quasi-affluence), the new "ailments" are social anxiety, autism, AD/HD, learning difficulties, etc. He is dealing with one or more of these, and to belittle his challenge because he's fortunate to have basic needs taken care of, is to miss the picture.

And, my good "friend," what would you tell him if he's at the same place in his 30s? He "missed his chance", sorry, time for him to give up? It's possible he might end up not much better than he is, by the time he hits 30.. at which point the idea that he "has his whole life ahead of him" doesn't hold true anymore.

I'm not saying your words aren't helpful--surely you intend to help--but I want you to look at the holes in your argument, and tell me what you think.

Bronson99 said:

True enough, but it's different if you use 1st-world standards. Around places of affluence (or quasi-affluence), the new "ailments" are social anxiety, autism, AD/HD, learning difficulties, etc. He is dealing with one or more of these, and to belittle his challenge because he's fortunate to have basic needs taken care of, is to miss the picture.

And, my good "friend," what would you tell him if he's at the same place in his 30s? He "missed his chance", sorry, time for him to give up? It's possible he might end up not much better than he is, by the time he hits 30.. at which point the idea that he "has his whole life ahead of him" doesn't hold true anymore.

I'm not saying your words aren't helpful--surely you intend to help--but I want you to look at the holes in your argument, and tell me what you think.

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Dear Bronson, thank you for your feedback. All of us are here to help each other and belittling anyone's challenges, as you seem to suggest, is most likely the last thing anyone of us would do. However it is difficult to handle a challenge, esp one like social anxiety, when one endlessly effaces and hates himself. I carefully read OP's post, twice, before writing these lines, and he mentioned "depression" and "social anxiety" as the main reasons which made him quit his education and harbor thoughts like "life is "shitty". As someone who himself suffers from anxiety and depression, I am fairly aware of the debilitating extent of these maladies. But I also know that comparing one’s self with others and debasing oneself (yes, I do that intermittently too) only exacerbates them.

While “what he would do if he is in the same place in his 30s” is purely a hypothetical question as far as our young friend is concerned, please note that people have changed their lives miraculously, even in their 40s and 50s through diligence and determination. For example, Charles Darwin was 50 years old when his seminal oeuvre “On the Origin of the species” was published. Harland Sanders made it big but not before getting fired from a dozen jobs, starting his restaurant, and then finding himself broke at the age of 65. There are even convicted criminals who spent several years in penitentiaries and still succeeded in becoming very successful later. Celebrity chef Jeff Henderson spent ten years in prison before realizing that his true calling lay in cooking gourmet meals. Dr. Paul Fauteck did years of hard time before going to college, studying psychology and eventually becoming a renowned forensic psychologist.

It is never too late to start. But, in order to do that, we must stop comparing and hating ourselves and gradually start pushing out of our comfort zones.

As an aside, I quoted the examples of people suffering from genetic ailments or those who cant escape the squalor of poverty because OP appeared to be focused on people who are doing better than him. In my opinion, such comparisons are only fair when you also look at those who are doing much worse than you and I am sure OP can find many examples in his own community.

I've been there. Anxiety is still here. Let me offer one piece of advice. Can't help you on your anxiety, but I can tell you the most important thing is tojust live life in the present. You're not on track, that's fine. Most of us aren't. Don't worry about the rest of society. Do you really want to be those people? Enjoy yourself. Pride yourself on any good thing you've done. Find an aspect or skill and build on that. I would hate to be someone else. Even if it's my I biggest influence. I want to be me. Be you. So you're not succeeding in the way society is. So? If you find anything in life to be happy about or even content, that's all that matters. Youre not on the street. You do have some form of internet. You're not a drunk are you? You don't have cancer right? Consider yourself smart? Artistic? Sometimes we feel our lives are so bad, until we really look at how privileged we are in the game of life. Sure things can be better. But life isn't perfect. Some people are millionaires. Some bi!lionaires. Some are super attractive, some just the average person. You're you. You have no need to compare yourself. No one should. You'll be a lot happier once you understand this.

Yea I often feel far behind in life too. I'm 33, single, I live with my Dad, and I'm a cleaner. Most people my age I know are married, with kids, a career, they own their own properties, and they appear to be doing very well for themselves. But, as others have said, I think the key is in not comparing yourself to others. Though I know it's difficult not to sometimes. There's a quote that goes; “If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.”, and I think there's a shrewd truth in that. Try not to worry too much about other people, just run your own race and go at your own pace.

Besides I don't think it's massively uncommon for people to go back to college. My sister spent 3 years studying graphic design, then went into teaching for a bit, and now, at 26, is considering going back to college to change careers. My brother went back to college when he was in his early thirties. I have a friend who changed careers and went back to college in her late 20's, and my other little sister is 2 years behind her peers after dropping out of her original college course. To be honest, I kinda feel like none of it really matters. So long as you have a roof and food in your cupboards, you may aswell just enjoy the ride and see where life takes you. Keep going Catalyst. You can do it!

Catalyst said:

I'm in my early 20s with no job, no friends, no social life whatsoever, and no solid plans for my future. I went to university for 3 years studying something I didn't really like and then I quit my program due to depression. Now I'm going back to college to study something else and I have to start from scratch... none of my previous credits can be transferred. I feel like shit.

I look at all my peers from high school and their lives seem so much better. They had a great college experience, made tons of new friends, partied a lot, got into relationships, started working, living on their own, and all that other stuff. I never experienced any of that (and probably never will). Everyone changed and grew up but my life has been at a standstill. I spent the past 3 years memorizing textbooks and dwelling on how shitty my life is. Most of my peers from high school will be graduating university next year and I'll be starting all over again.

I don't know how the hell this happened. I did so well in high school... my teachers and family used to tell me I had a bright future and now I have nothing. I'm trying to change things now but it seems pointless when I'm so far behind everyone. And it seems impossible because of my social anxiety... this disorder has destroyed my life.

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I feel you. I'm in similar boat. Most of my peers are either married, have a full time job, or living on their own. At this moment, I'm still jobless and living with my parent. I hated myself and my life for a long time. Just like you I did really well in high school. Everybody said I'd become a great somebody. But I failed terribly in college, having below average grade because of my social anxiety.

But you know what, I want to believe in myself this time and I want to tell myself that I will become a great somebody. I'm so sick and tired of reminiscing on the past, what could have been, what I did wrong. I started a blog a few months ago and am also looking into online business. I'm giving myself a second chance, just like you're giving yourself a second chance (by going back to school). There is no shame in not giving up on yourself. You're doing the right thing and I commend you on such great effort. Keep looking forward, you'll get there! You can check out my blog www.confilearn.com and the self-help audio review. Just as I'm looking forward to the result of my new effort now, I'm also wishing the best for yours.