I feel suicidal at what I've done wrong in the past

Hi

I'm new to this site, and wondered wether someone could help me I'm in a huge dilemma

About 5 years ago, I was feeling the lowest I've ever felt. I was bullied all through school and had an awful life with everyone treated me like crap, excpet my parents they've bin wonderful and have brought me up very well.

Then I hit the lowest point and instead of drinking or other addictions, I felt suicidal and even started stealing. Not from shops, from people I knew who had treated me nasty in the past. It wasn't much at times, and I didn't do it very often. I also cheated on my loving boyfriend one night back then too. This was in a bad time of our relatinship when we were constanlty arguing and thinking of splitting up and I coldn't take it anymore, he told me if I ever did this he would split up and he proposed to me last month so surely I can just take this to the grave with me ?

My parents did query me on some of them and I told them lies that I hadn't done it and they believed me but I couldn't care less about anything back then. I had social phobia and lots of anxiety and didn't give a toss about life anymroe. it was my revenge for a world that treat me so bad.

Now 2 months ago, I told my parents about my social phobia as they knew it might be something like that and I've been getting some CBT therapy for it.

But now I feel very guilty and wondered if I shoudl tell my parents of the bad crimes I've committed even though I wsn't ecacly 100% in the head then and felt so low, I'm now feeling better but can't shake off these guilt feelings.

Should I tel my parents and perhaps be abandoned by them forever as they don't tolerate stealing and other crimes, and also they would feel ashamed if they ever met those people again as they live quite near them

Or keep it to myself, take it to the grave with me, accept it was mistakes int he past at my lowest points, never to be repeated, now I'm getting better I no longer need to hang on to this, perhaps write it down and burn it. I think this will work.

Please help me

Havr you done things you are npt proud off when feeling at your lowest?

hey sweetie and welcome

i think all of us have regrets. lately i'm in a period where i'm so afraid of making wrong decisions. right now i am faced with all kinds of decisions to make and i'm so afraid of making the wrong ones.

i regret alot of things that i have done in the past. i think my biggest one was doing "poorly" in school - not poorly enough to drop out or anything but i'm trying to get into grad school but i think now i've kissed that all goodbye. but it was all because of depression and loosing that drive to do anything at all.

sometimes i feel like somethings are better left unsaid. as dirty as that all sounds, if it was a mistake, and you're past it and it's not affecting that person now, i would take it to the grave. it takes alot of guts to fess up to stuff like that.

however it sounds like it's really buggin you in which case i'd come clean. i don't know if you mean with your man (fiancee did i read? i might be making this up) or your parents, or both. i'm sure if you felt bad about it and were willing to make amends that they'd see that you weren't just doing to do it. you were going through a rough time and thought that isn't an excuse, it's no reason to abandon you. you're still a person with heart and you aren't the sum total of your mistakes.

i wish there was an easy answer to everything and a clear answer to everything but there isn't. go with your gut and i hope all goes well. let us know what you decide

Thanx for your reply

I thought about this you wrote-

sometimes i feel like somethings are better left unsaid. as dirty as that all sounds, if it was a mistake, and you're past it and it's not affecting that person now, i would take it to the grave. it takes alot of guts to fess up to stuff like that

It's certainly not something I would ever do again, I've learnt my lesson for good now on everything bad I've ever done. I now only do good things. My life was negative before, now it's positive. It will only cause anger & hurt if I reveal (i'm a terrible coward) but also if i wasn't a coward, I would not want to hurt my family or bf. if i confess it wil hurt them. It's not affecting any of their lifes, so I'm going to burn these negative memories and get rid of them for once and for all!

Am i doing the right hting? This is right for the SP coward I am lol

well... argh! this is hard, like i say, it depends on how much it's bugging you. if it racks your brain day in day out, then i'd deffinately say something. if not, and it's over and done with, no one else that was involved isn't around anymore, no nothing left, write it down, get it out of your system, burn it, or send it to www.postsecret.blogspot.com

i can't really say what i would do, i'd like to say i'd be completely honest all teh time but everyone's situation is so different, and especially with it all being over and done with... i dunno.

so i guess the only thing i'm sure of is if you did decide to take somethings to the grave, it doesn't make you a bad person, i'm sure everyone's got something. it's just one of those things...

maybe a guilty person who had made one mistake in their life makes them a better person as they will never make those same mistakes ever again!

I dont really see no point in dragging up the past, its all done and dusted & cant turn the clock back on it. If I keep thinking of the stealing and cheating it will only consume back into a negative person and I wil fall into that web again, but if I burn it get rid of it completely, I can move on with my life in a sin free future I guess I can always pray to god one night and confess to him, see what he says lol

Thanx very much for your advice

i think if you dont tell your husband to be, about the fact that you cheated on him, you will be wasting his entire life away, because he will be living a lie, where as if he knew the truth, he may leave you, poor man.

tell him the truth before you take his life away.

Repentance, restitution, confession, prayer for forgiveness, righteous dealing thereafter, is the sole possible, the only true make-up for evil. Tell people how you injured them.

Return to them what you took so far as you can. Even without the material rectification of the wrong where that is impossible, repentance removes the offence.

The people will feel that the gift you had made them, giving into their heart a repentant sister, was infinitely beyond the restitution of what you had taken from them.

This will be GREAT for the soul. It will be shame fighting, cognitive behavioral therapy. It will also be doing the right thing, and taking away the sewizidal thoughts.