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Old 08-15-2006  
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um, can i be the first to point out that girlfriends are a huge pain in the ***... :wink:

honestly, i know where you guys are coming from, but i find it much easier to talk to girls and get girlfriends than i do to make regular friends. don't know why that is exactly - but trust me, a girl that is interested in you will overlook a lot of character flaws.
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Old 08-17-2006  
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Well,I'm 21 and never had a boyfriend. I'm still young,OK,but this doesn't make me feel better,as I know that this situation is very difficult to change. Ppl are still confused with me now,as I'm a student,but I know that there will be a time when they will see how weird I am and will wonder why I haven't got a relationship. I've passed many stages while thinking of that,depression,anger and now I just got used with it. I'll wait and see what life will bring. I'm disappointed that I can't give grandchildren to my parents too. I can't advise you to stop thinking about women,I know it's very difficult. Just patience.
Also,Horatio,why do you always think you're ugly? You're not ugly,I say it honestly to you. Besides,girls don't care about first look only,they see you as a whole,including look and personality. Try to be confident. Your self-esteem is the first step.

BE CAREFUL! GOD WATCHES YOU!
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Old 08-19-2006  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GIOLANDA
Besides,girls don't care about first look only,they see you as a whole,including look and personality. Try to be confident. Your self-esteem is the first step.
As a girl, I do believe this is true. Personality matters. I don't find myself attracted to a good looking guy if I can tell that he's a ****! ****s become uglier to me and nice guys become more handsome.
Of course, attraction doesn't really matter in my life because I can barely hold a conversation! and if someone I like starts to talk to me, I usually bolt from the room... :oops: I also find it impossible to look a guy that I meet in the face, nevermind the eyes, so I can hardly tell what they look like in the first place! :oops: :oops: :oops:
I just want to say, some girls are terrified about the relationships and rejection from opposite sex too. We're not another species after all!
I am also glad to hear other people talking about the grandchildren thing.....I'm still young but I really, really, really don't see myself ever starting a family. Sorry mom and dad. The crazy ends here!
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Old 08-21-2006  
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I'm 20 years old and I've only had about 2 girlfriends since 1997'.. and not one of those lasted more then maybe a week. I've tried to get girlfriends these last few years but I'm just really shy and it's hard for me to speak to a girl that I think is attractive and that I want to get to know.. I mean it's always been a real hard thing for me to do. I think I'm starting to realize that you just need to let things happen.. the more you think about a specific person the more you become obsessed which means the more likely you are to end in devestation.. just gotta let things flow and let things happen when they will.. If you don't have a girlfriend now if you are meant to have a girl in your life then you will.. simple as that.. at least that's what I believe.

Justin
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Old 10-21-2006  
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Well Im 38 year old and have battled SA all of my life. I will say that, I have improved. And have found myself more outgoing, which is good for job interviews and in the workplace.
However I still have never asked a woman on a date. The good news though, what seemed like an impossible task for me appears to be within reach. I think years of therapy and just getting older and wiser does help your self confidence. I think having a good job and being in fairly decent economic shape helps.At any rate, I have joined 6 dating sites, and I may just take the plunge and ask this woman in the store. EIther way, whether she says yes or no, its no big deal. I see now that rejection is just part of the dating process But what is a big deal is have gone up to this point in my life and have never experienced that simple act of love, such as holding hands, and that "first kiss". All of my life, I have been outside looking in. Imprisoned by my own fear. I have wanted love all of my life, but I had such a low opinion of myself, and just didnt want to take the neccessary risks to acheive it.
As I enter the dating world at my older age. I am not so worried social skills. At this point in my life, its very easy for me to talk to women, which was not the case many years ago.
Its the intimacy part, which I desperatly want. But I am clueless as far as kissing or intercourse. Maybe its just something that comes naturally as some might suggest. My feeling though is that if she is a worthwhile person who really cares, my lack of experience shouldnt be a major issue.

Anyhow if you have any advise or comments, feel free to post.

Brad
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Old 10-22-2006  
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Originally Posted by AnthonyJ31
I look around and I see guys and girls who are 18,19 years old who are outgoing, happy, who are dating and having relationships, and I get really sad. I never did any of that. I realize that because of this SA and because of all of the depression and the self-esteem issues that I have blown a large portion of my life; I virtually wasted my youth because of SA. And you know what? It really hurts! I will never know what it was like to date as a teenager, to kiss as a teenager, to have sex as a teenager because I was too busy being afraid. Damn guys, this really really hurts. I don't know what to do. It's hard to press on and to continue on with life when you feel like there is no way out or no better way. I'm not sure what is worse: the social anxiety disorder itself, or the god-awful depression and loneliness that results from the SA.......Not to mention the serious blows to a persons self-esteem and self-concept. :(
In my opinion, it's the "God-awful depression". In fact, I find it so heart breaking to go out and see happy, beautiful people enjoying life and love that I avoid going out as much as possible. I hate to constantly be reminded of what I don't have but so desperately desire.

I'm 24 and like many of you here I've never had a girlfriend. In addition, I failed to have a child or youth hood. My relationship maturity is so far behind my peers that I no longer believe a relationship is possible.

In addition to having Social Phobia, I'm also selective. I know I have no right to be selective when looking for potential girlfriends because of my psychological issues; however, I can't help but be selective. The truth is, I probably could have dated a few women by now, but I only desire a relationship with a lovely lady. I've had the opportunity to talk to some lovely ladies, and for me, just talking to a lovely lady makes me feel so happy, in love, and at peace. When I talk to loud, obnoxious, unattractive, dirty, promiscuous and/or masculine women, I feel nothing.

I think the reason I've been alone for so long is not only because of my social phobia, but also because I'm more selective than a social outcast should be. I hope to one day become such an intelligent, athletic, sucessful, kind, loving human being that even a lovely lady will be willing to overlook my social ineptness and inexperience.
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Old 10-22-2006  
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Originally Posted by still-in-my-shell
Besides, I'd rather date someone who was older and never dated than someone who didn't take relationships seriously and had slept with lots of girls
Oh My God, are you serious!!! I didn't think girls like you existed. In my neighborhood, it's always the players who get the girls.

Do any of the other female members of this forum feel like "still-in-my-shell" or is she a rarity?
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Old 10-22-2006  
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I am 21 and have never had a boyfriend, i've had countless oportunities, and have gone on a number of dates, but when the guy reaches out for more, due to my shyness, i pull away and retreat back into myself. I feel really sad about that because i want a boyfriend very badly. I am still a virgin so that is always on my mind and I am insecure about that when meeting guys because i feel they wouldn't want to date such an inexperienced girl. Plus when i do meet a guy i am always embarissed to admit i havent had a boyfriend yet, then i think they'll be scared away because they'll wonder why the hell i've never had one before. ughhhh its just a vicious cycle, because if i dont just jump iin and take risks now, it will just get harder as a get older. But i can say that i wouldn''t mind a guy who was older and had never had a girlfriend, because i would feel safer with the inexperience. My brother is 24 and has never had a girlfriend, and he doesn't have SA, and hes not gay! did any of you guys see the movie 40 year old virgin... ?
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Old 10-22-2006  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyheart
Quote:
Originally Posted by still-in-my-shell
Besides, I'd rather date someone who was older and never dated than someone who didn't take relationships seriously and had slept with lots of girls
Oh My God, are you serious!!! I didn't think girls like you existed. In my neighborhood, it's always the players who get the girls.

Do any of the other female members of this forum feel like "still-in-my-shell" or is she a rarity?
That's how I feel too. I wouldn't want to date someone with way more dating experience than me, because I'd always feel inferior or something. Of course I'm only 17 (today. Woohoo another crappy birthday.), so it's not so bad that I haven't ever been asked out, but before you know it, I'll be 40 and still alone. :(
Of course, "normal" girls seem to like those ******* "player" types. I just can't feel bad for someone who goes out with a guy like that and gets upset when she finds out he's cheating on her. Maybe I'm a bitch, but seriously, what did she expect?

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h3...ennypup_OD.gif
Each lonely hour my heart has slept has drifted back to me.
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Old 10-22-2006  
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In addition to having Social Phobia, I'm also selective. I know I have no right to be selective when looking for potential girlfriends because of my psychological issues; however, I can't help but be selective. The truth is, I probably could have dated a few women by now, but I only desire a relationship with a lovely lady. I've had the opportunity to talk to some lovely ladies, and for me, just talking to a lovely lady makes me feel so happy, in love, and at peace. When I talk to loud, obnoxious, unattractive, dirty, promiscuous and/or masculine women, I feel nothing.


What you have to understand is that no pathway is straight and narrow. We all can go in varying directions and yet acheive the same outcome. Remember nothing is set in stone. You may feel that you are far behind your peers and that you deviate from the norm. But the reality is we all choose our own pathways in life, and in our case it was the path of least resistance. What you have to keep in mind is that there is nothing wrong with you. The only way we can change that path is to face our fears and taking risks.

I see thats what dating is all about -- taking risks. If she says "no", its not about you, its about her. If I were you, I`d ask that pretty lady. Im in the process of asking out this cashier at the local supermarket. She is drop dead gorgeous, and has a dazzling personlaity. If she say "no" to me then its nothing personal. We all are looking for something in unique in people that will complement ourselves. Just learn not to give a sh&t about it and move on. You may have to adjust your standards some, but you will find someone.
Whatever ,please dont make the same mistake I did by putting it all on the backburner and bury yourself in work and school. Because sooner or later its gonna raise its ugly head and you will be miserable.Tackle these issues now because the longer you wait the harder it is to change pathways.

I mentioned about social support in my last post. It cxertainly not among friends. They view you as this quiet guy whom they have never been seen with a woman. So when I bring up the prospect that I might date someone, it becomes the joke of the day. They know I am a college graduate, and quite capable. I make a good living. But non shy people do not understand those who are in fact shy. People equate extroversion with intelligence. So the fact that you are the opposite makes you a lesser person in their eye. Hence the friends(if thats the right definition) that I do have is simply on business terms.
What I mean by social support is your therapist, support groups and your family. People who acknowlege your actual existance and have a better understanding on what you are going through.
If I actually told one of these "friends" that I have never had a single date in my life, they will, inevitably make value judgements about me.
So, social support, and knowing who your TRUE friends are is the first step towards the road to recovery.
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