I have SA because of being so insecure about my nose!

Hello,

I am new to this forum, but I am quite knowledgeable about how and why I suffer and am simply trying to work out how to overcome my problem.

Basically, I am really insecure about my nose, to the extent where I have no confidence in myself whatsoever now. I used to be so confident and really outgoing. I never used to think my nose was bad until I was about 14 when I got called some names about my nose by kids. At that time I laughed it off because I thought my nose was fine. But over forthcoming years more people called me names over my nose, people ridiculed me, teased me, I was the butt of jokes, some people called me ugly. I have been told things like I would be ok if I didn't have a big nose, which is hugely insulting - basically saying I am not ok because of my nose. I have had a woman at work make jokes about my nose in front of the whole office which destroyed me, some people laughed and I just was so close to tears, I felt so humiliated and such a freak. I have zero self confidence because of put downs, ridicule, insults, told i was ugly, etc on an almost daily basis during my high school years. I really did suffer - not only about my nose - but for being skinny, for having a speech impediment, I just seemed to receive negative comments all the time and it has ruined my confidence - not only do I believe I am really ugly, but I believe people are really shallow and judge me in a negative way just because of how I look (afterall that is all I ever received from people - put downs). I have no confidence anyone could be interested in me or think I am anything but ugly.

All of these negative comments has just made me so incredibly insecure and self conscious about my nose - to the extent where I am always doing my upmost to cover my face with my hand (such as pretending to wipe my eyes or mess with my hair, etc) if people are about. I hate being centre of attention and all eyes on me, it makes me hugely anxious and self conscious. I cannot even approach women who I don't really know because I just feel I am a freak because of my nose and they will judge me in a very negative way as being ugly just because of my nose. I avoid people, I just don't want to be seen.

The thing is, its not that I absolutely hate my nose and want to have surgery or anything, its just I hate what other people think of my nose. Because I have had negative comments about my nose and told I am ugly and not good enough because of it, I just totally worry that everyone things that way about me - that I am ugly. Its like I believe I have a real flaw with my appearance and anyone who doesn't have a noticable flaw in their appearance is superior to me, I feel inferior to that person and not good enough. I feel I have no right to believe anyone who doesn't have a flaw in their appearance to even give me time of day.

Some people on another forum seemed to think I am shallow for this because I am so self conscious over my appearance, but I think that is shocking. I am not shallow whatsoever, I don't look at others in terms of looks and think looks is what decides who is attractive and who isn't. Its more to do with me believing everyone else is shallow, I mean people have judged me on this and made me feel so crap about myself that I feel it really is a big issue and others see me as ugly and horrible. Its so hard to be confident around people when you believe they just see negative flaws in me and are judging me negatively because of it.

I am just wondering if anyone else can relate to how I feel. I have done a lot of reading and thinking about confidence issues. I realise that I have basically lost the plot somewhat in lost track of what is important and what matters. I mean my whole self image is now based on me believing all I am is a nose. My whole self image is so incredibly negative, I don't seem to consider any of my positive qualities or attributes, I just think I am being judged on my nose.

I am trying to desensitise my beliefs that having a big nose makes one ugly and seen as a freak. People have said I look like Sean Penn, which at first I was very upset at - because I thought they purely just referring to my nose, but after seeing lots of pics of Sean Penn I am quite flattered. I mean I see people who have big noses and I don't think they are unattractive or freaks, etc. I see people with big noses who are in relationships with fantastic people. But because I have suffered so much ridicule and made to feel so awful I believe that having a big nose is really bad and I am simply not good enough because I am not normal.

So what do you think? Anyone suffer like this? Anyone know what the answer is to overcome this confidence problem because of my nose? Like I say I don't want surgery, because I know I would feel the same way if people ridiculed me if I was bald, or if I had big ears, etc, etc and received put downs because of it. Its more like the problem I need to correct is in my mind and to understand the reality, instead of the current hugely negative exaggerated beliefs.

Final point - what do others think of people who have big noses? Do you think they are ugly and are freaks?

Yes, still there, just going to meet Charlie Hungerford for lunch in a minute! hehe.

Thanks for that positive comment. What is your girlfriend's nose like? Is she insecure about it or has she had any negative comments in the past about her nose do you know?

I have realised that my best bet to overcoming this fear is probably to understand how someone else who has a big nose thinks - who is not insecure about their nose. Its just whenever I have ever had a remark about my nose - its always so negative and people calling me names, putting me down, saying I would be ok if I didn't have a big nose, etc - I have been made to believe its so ugly. I just need to get my head round this problem and accept it. But am struggling to change these deep rooted beliefs!

Stranger - I can imagine how hard that must be to lose your hair. I thought I was losing my hair about 3 years ago - I lost all confidence at that time in myself and started cutting my own hair - and god it looked such a mess. But at the same time I think I cut it so badly that you could see my scalp on parts and people started asking was I going bald and I got so paranoid about it - I felt that it was another flaw that people will look at me and judge in a negative way for.

Is that how you feel? It shouldn't be seen as a flaw, a lot of women like men who are bald or have their hair shaved off. I think its only ourselves who think its such a big deal, I mean in the office I work there are 4 men who are bald and there is a guy who is rapidly losing his hair - but he is dating this really fantastic girl - she is really lovely person and extremely pretty. So I hope you won't feel too self conscious, but I know what I say is not really going to make your fears go away.

I really do believe that our perceived problems are only a problem if we make them a problem? I tell you why. There are two women where I work - one is about 24 and the other about 35. Both are just unbelievably confident. They are like the centre of things socially, they wouldn't think anything scary of speaking out loud in front of loads of people, they basically are just totally 100% secure in themselves and confident in themselves. However, neither are what you would describe as perfect in terms of looks by any means- which of course is not a bad thing whatsoever - but I am just saying this to tell my point of view. However, because they are so confident and self assured - they simply are not insecure about any part of themselves whereas maybe if you or I looked like them we would be slightly insecure as one is a little overweight and has a quite worn look on her face, whilst the other girl is a little overweight and some people have said she has a dodgey nose. However, because they are so confident and so assured and will go for what they want in life, believing they are inferior to no one, they would have no problems succeeding in work or in meeting someone they really like. I mean I just feel hugely inferior to them simply because of confidence. I feel irrelevant and that they wouldn't dream of looking at me because of my confidence issues. They would definitely look down on me because I act all nervous and shy around them, whilst they are very confident and feel they are just as good as absolutely anyone, whereas I feel I am worse than everyone.

But it just makes me think - if I was hugely confident, felt I was just as good as anyone and my approach in terms of confidence was just that and I could chat friendly and confidently with people I like - well I think I would have absolutely no problems meeting someone really nice. So I do think we dwell on our negative flaws when there really is no need and it serves no purpose. And another point which demonstrates this is that anyone who doesn't like me for my nose is shallow and looks orientated. I don't like shallow people, I don't want to know someone who is shallow. So I shouldn't worry what they think. Whereas those who don't judge me negatively because of my nose, well they aren't judging me negatively so what is the point feeling anxious and self conscious? I should be confident and be myself. So this dwelling and feeling inferior because of perceived flaws serve no purpose. But the problem is how do you get those beliefs to sink in? Because I just know next time I see a girl who I like but don't really know I will instantly become so self conscious and fear her seeing my perceived flaws - i.e. my nose and perceived ugliness. I so want to overcome this right away!

I'm in the same boat. Sent you a PM with my msn if you want to chat, trade strategies etc.

Did you say you sent me a pm? Or was that meant for someone else?

You can check your private messages to see if he sent it to you. And I'm pretty sure he meant you. Welcome to SPW.

tehStranger said:

Well, I know how you feel.

I'm actually starting to develop a complex on my nose as well. I have one those big italian noses. As i'm aging it's seems to be getting bigger, and bigger and bigger.

My sister especially is very sestive about hers. I wouldn't be suprised if she eventually goes under the knife.

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lol.. you're so funny tehStranger, don't worry.. you're not turning into pinocchio or anything like that.

Hey there!! I dont think youre shallow at all for worrying about looks. Its part of many people's struggles and even those that dont have SA.

I am against plastic surgery for reasons unless its like affects your body directly (or maybe you were in a car wreck and the doctor is just restoring facial features). So anywayI dont blame you for not wanting to get it.

The funny thing about my SA is that I dont have anything physically that I am ashamed of or try to play down. I actually get compliments from random strangers, and guys whistle at me (which when I am anxiety stricken makes me even more irritable) I am not trying to say this to boost my self esteem. But i just wanted to explain to people that you dont have SA because the world percieves you as "ugly" Whats frusturating for me is that people automatically expect me to be super friendly and happy because of how i look. They probably think Ive had an easy life. I only wish...So when I am stand offish and irritable people just think I am a snob and automatically dislike me. Its depressing getting reactions from people like this.

But anyway, how this all ties back to what youre going through, is that its very possible to have things you dont like about yourself, yet be happy. I never had a low self esteem before and now I have about zero self confidence. I never noticed a ton of physcial flaws before. And now even though people compliment me on my looks, I dont even care. I think "yeah so what, I cant even function, youre better than me." Its really not about looks.

I understand though that in your situation your nose is something youre self concious about. But think about it in an opposite way...like perhaps if you focus on relieving your anxiety, your perception of your nose wont be as bad.

If I am self concious of anything its my voice. My normal voice isnt Horrible, but when I have bad anxiety I sound like a kid, and people have commented that i have "a soft voice" (which if i was relaxed it wouldnt be like that). But because of that I get self concious, and in turn creates my anxiety, which then makes my voice sound the way it does. Pretty vicsous cycle huh?

The thing is tho that I have heard so many more people with a worse voice than me (not to be shallow) But im just saying I dont have a reason to be self concious of my voice yet I am. I know people with not as nice of voices that are confident, some a little too confident for their own good and talk all the time!

And about noses, this story happened just the other week. I was traveling, and I get bad anxiety when traveling. I was in such a bad mood from my anxiety. I noticed a girl that had a rreally really large nose. I guess im more critical of people now from my anxiety. but I notice how people act, because in a way im looking to them for how I COULD be acting. Anyway, this girl probably had a reason to have low self esteem. Maybe she did in the past. But she was the happiest girl ive seen. She had all her friends around her, and was laughing, and in such a good mood.

Maybe according to other people I had a "prettier" nose than her, but there she was completely happy. And here I was, "pretty" yet miserable.

I hope this story helps you. Because for me it tells me that physical looks arent so important (which i knew before) but it just shows that confidence and happiness is really attractive.

I am still with you in that I dont know how to achieve this. But hopefully understanding it is helpful.

Good luck with you =)

tehStranger said:

Well, I know how you feel.

I'm actually starting to develop a complex on my nose as well. I have one those big italian noses. As i'm aging it's seems to be getting bigger, and bigger and bigger.

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So here is a solution for all those worrying about their nose: move to italy!! Perhaps we can even make an arrangement to allow you in as refugees.

(sorry for digging up an oldish thread, but I was on holiday and just noticed it)

Hi Jim, I can relate to your situation a lot. I have the same sort of problem regarding my chin. I never noticed anything wrong with my chin until I was about 14 or 15, and started being picked on in school. They used to call me Jimmy Hill (a football commentator with a really big chin), and other pathetic names. Such childish names, but they cut me to the core. I can't even here the word 'chin' these days without feeling like I've been punched. I never, ever wear my hair up, because I feel it accentuates how big my chin looks. And I deliberately avoid shops where I know the changing room mirrors show your reflection from different angles (ie, from the side and the back), because I can't stand to see my face from those angles. It's hideous and grotesque, and if I could afford to change it I wouldn't hesitate. I know that makes me sound shallow, but I would do anything not to feel this way about myself. I see my reflection and it makes me want to cry. I have starved myself to the point of collapse in the past just to try and make it smaller, but that didn't work. I just don't want to think about it anymore.

As for other people, looks don't bother me. If I had someone to cuddle up to at night, someone that would give me a reason to get up in the morning, a nose or a lack of hair wouldn't stand in my way!

I know that's contradictory, but I can't help the way I feel about my own looks.

(Just a little edited note - I don't believe this problem is what caused my SA, though it didn't help)

Jim,

When your car breaks down, you would usually say, "I HAVE A PROBLEM with my car" but in fact, there is nothing wrong with you at all, you have no problem internally, the problem belongs to the car because it doesnt work. Its an external problem. So you wouldnt need to make an internal problem of it either by saying, "i have a problem", therefore you wouldnt need to be upset internally for an external problem.

Dude, the same is true of your nose. You are not your nose. If your nose got cut off, you'd still be Jim. The problem here lies with your identifying your sense of self or "me" "Jim" and "my big nose".

Jim, you posses a body but you are not your body.

So learn to say, "my nose is not me", sounds a bit strange but it will lead you down a path of wondering who you really are.

Jack

Thanks Jack, I have really made amazing progress at overcoming this insecurity in the past couple of weeks, I just wish I did all the work I did on desensitising this some 10 years ago, things would be so much better now, because its been such a terrible problem for me. Its still a bit of an insecurity, but that is no surprise - you can't instantly change something in a matter of days, but I am certain in time I will no longer worry at all about my nose. But sometimes I just automatically cover my nose with my hand when I find myself around someone I like, but I then realise what I am doing straight away and tell myself 'No! If that person thinks negative things of me just because of my nose, then I am really glad they have seen my nose because I hate shallow, insensitive, looks orientated people - if anyone would like me if my nose was perfect but doesn't because my nose is like a few mm's or whatever it is bigger than ideal - then they don't deserve to know someone as nice as me'. But also I have understood that people don't just judge me negatively and as being ugly because of my nose - I see people who have big noses and they have no problem meeting people of the opposite sex. Its absolutely amazing how the work I did has totally eased my concerns and started to smash my negative beliefs totally. Its basically just put everything into perspective - and I know now just how ridiculous and exaggerated the negative beliefs I had were - such as I believed just because of my nose I was a walking freak show and if anyone saw my nose being bigger than ideal - that they would be thinking the most terrible things of me. But at the end of the day no one is perfect - the average person is of average looking and average intelligence - they too may have insecurities and just class me as being equal. I mean what is a flaw? Big nose, big ears, overweight, bad teeth, bald, scruffy, plain, big chin, etc. It just makes us normal, and anyone who doesn't like us for who we are, well we have had a lucky escape. Would we want someone to think we are great and nice if we looked the way we wish so that we thought we would be more accepted, but because of the way we are - and are not perfect - they don't like us? That to me makes that person really shallow and looks orientated. I wouldn't want someone like that in my life.

Sable - you also need to desensitise your fears about your chin. I mean seriously - I have never ever judged anyone negatively because of their chin. I am in England, I know who Jimmy Hill is, for sure he has a big chin, but so what? It doesn't make him ugly, it doesn't make him any less a person. If his chin was just that bit smaller - would his appearance really change much? I don't think it would. I have a friend who has like no chin. People have said it behind his back - but I tell you what - those who did were all really horrible self obsessed people who were really pathetic and had bad things to say about a lot of people. This friend of mine is a really great guy, one of the nicest people I have met. I think a hundred times more of him that these others who were talking about his chin. I don't think it makes him undesirable to women, its his confidence which is definitely the reason why he is single - he is really shy around women - just like me, and you can just tell that is the reason why he gets very little interest, there is nothing wrong with how he looks - yes he has a very small chin, but it doesn't make him ugly, it makes him human.

I think when it comes to people of the opposite sex showing an interest in you - well there is one thing to consider which you have to realise and not let bother you. There are a lot of shallow people who will just go for looks alone - I know this as I have this womaniser friend who women all say is gorgeous looking. He has such a big ego - but not surprising when people always say he is gorgeous and throw themselves at him. He gets women he has never met or talked to, email him at work saying they think he is gorgeous and fancy him loads and if he wants some fun, just say the word. They just throw themselves at him because of how he looks, his personality is irrelevant. He has told me that his mates his nickname from his mates where he lives call him '2 hours', as he will get a woman into bed within 2 hours of meeting. He told me that all but one of the girls who have ever emailed him asking him out - he slept with them all but one on the first night of meeting, one in the back of his car. Stone the crows, its desperate.
There is a 50 year old woman who I mentioned made fun of my nose in front of the whole office - well she is always saying to him 'If I was 20 years older I would dream of dating you, you are gorgeous'. And the final straw was this girl in my office who I chatted to a lot and got on well with her when she started - as I had to train her to do my old job. She seemed quite nice although I really didn't know her all that well, she was seeing some guy at the time she started who was rich but they didn't get on and they only saw each other twice a week because they had little to say to each other, but she used to always say - 'It doesn't matter that they don't get on, because he is rich and he sometimes buys me nice presents'. I thought that was odd. I continued to be friendly with this girl and I wouldn't say I fancied her but I thought she was quite nice because she was friendly. One day the womaniser friend started chatting to her as he found out she was going on holiday near to where he had been. After that I was as good as ignored by this girl, she just had no time for me as this guy she clearly fancied. I was so annoyed, treated like some trash. She would always be emailing this guy, she would watch him around the room. She had no time for me. This womaniser friend told me quite recently that they had sex with each other loads of times but that was all it was - sex - and that they never even chatted at work, they never went out on dates. He said she was the easiest woman he has ever known and she told him that if he ever wanted sex he just had to ask. He would phone her up and she would go round instantly and they have sex for a few hours then she would go. It made me feel like I am a very undesirable person when I first was told that - i.e. she liked him so much, thought he was so fantastic, whereas I was worthless piece of crap. But at the end of the day I realise now - she is one of the shallowest pathetic women I have ever known, she was incredibly self centred - used people for what she wanted, and disgarded people if someone else was of more use to her. To treat someone who was friendly that she had known for a number of months as being totally irrelevant as soon as some guy chats to her once is really low. Her previous boyfriend - she said she didn't care that they didn't get on because he was rich - i.e. a trophy boyfriend. And then being so cheap and easy just because she fancied someone purely for the looks - it just shows how horrible some of these shallow people are. I am so annoyed at this friend of mine for one reason - not because I am jealous - but that he gave this shallow woman who is just horrible, what she wanted - but I guess womaniser men like him is not going to turn down the offer of sex with no hassles or ties. She makes me so angry - thank god I am not good looking enough for her - I would hate to show any affection to some woman who is like that.

But just look there - these girls who want to date him - they are all looks orientated, look at the woman who made fun of my nose and tells the womaniser how gorgeous he is - horrible person - harldy anyone likes her in the office, just horrible, and the woman who basically told me I am irrelevant now because a good looking guy has started chatting to her - again horrible, selfish, insensitive woman, and all these girls who were throwing themselves at the guy simply because of looks - immature, shallow, pathetic, etc - well who in their right mind would care what these shallow women think? They are not worth one second's thought or worry about what they think. And its the same with shallow men - any woman who is worried that a man doesn't think you look good enough - well they are not worth worrying about, not only because they won't pay attention to you, but any guy who only thinks you are good enough by how you look - well thank your lucky stars for having a lucky escape - those that are most worthy of your attention are those great people who respect you for being good enough for being you - and those great people are definitely not shallow.

I mean of course you want to look your best - but this is the thing to always remember - you cannot do any better than your best - and therefore should not worry about things which you cannot change - such as my nose, and if anyone thinks I am simply not good enough because of this then that is brilliant, my nose is making sure I won't end up with a shallow person. I should be confident and let my personality which I love shine through - that way those people who aren't shallow will then like me when they see how nice a person I am. No point ever being self conscious because of the shallow people! Don't let them ever win!

I always find that the women I fancy the most by a million miles are women who I just think are the nicest, sweetest, fun, intelligent women who are so nice to chat to. There have been two women at work I fancied so much - and when I first saw them I didn't think anything of how they looked, but once I got to know them and thought they were so nice and so amazing to chat to, I just really found them so attractive as a person, but at the same time I found them incredibly attractive in terms of looks - far more attractive than some perfect looking girl who I may see who I don't know. Whereas at the same time a really pretty girl who has a crap personality - I would find them extremely undesirable, wouldn't touch them with a bargepole. So just remember you don't have to look perfect for people to find you hugely desirable, but it is important to be yourself - be confident and let your personality shine through.

So Sable - you should think about these things before you say you would have surgery on it. For sure those negative comments hurt loads - I know that same feeling - when people talk about noses I am so worried that they will mention big noses and mention me, but I am trying to get to that point where I don't think of it as a flaw, but just a feature, which yeah may be noticable, but thats all it is - something that stands out as making me unique - I am no less a person for this feature, I am simply human! Honestly Sable - no one who is the sort of nice person you would like to meet would think you are not good enough because of your chin, it really doesn't make you ugly or your appearance would be really any different if your chin was how you wish - and if any guy doesn't like you simply because of your chin - then your chin is a very good thing. Otherwise you would only attract guys who are interested in you looking a certain way and not because of who you are.

Sorry for writing so much.

Jim_Bergerac said:

Sorry for writing so much.

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Thank you for writing so much!
I know that anyone who would fixate on my chin and judge me by it is not worth the time of day. I know it but for some reason I can't believe it. I will try to keep what you have said in mind the next time I feel bad about it.
I think you have done really well to overcome your insecurities about your nose. It's nice to think that maybe I'm not condemned to hate myself forever.