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Old 08-24-2007
Foxglove's Avatar
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I know that writing this is just stupid and childish and unproductive, but I have nowhere or nobody else to say this to. I just can't take it any more. My whole life is made up of fear, guilt, anxiety and tedium. I am constantly making awful decisions which make my life worse than it already is. Therapy, medication? Been there, done that. I just feel so awful and helpless. Nobody takes me seriously, they all think that just because I'm a housewife and I "don't have to work" that my life is all fun and games and happiness. I just wish I were dead. Every day I wish this. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I can't stand the thought of spending the next 40 years like this. Sorry for all the whining and bellyaching.
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Old 08-24-2007
Aeon's Avatar
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You shouldn't be sorry, I feel just the same way.
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Old 08-24-2007
Tryin's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxglove
I know that writing this is just stupid and childish and unproductive, but I have nowhere or nobody else to say this to. I just can't take it any more. My whole life is made up of fear, guilt, anxiety and tedium. I am constantly making awful decisions which make my life worse than it already is. Therapy, medication? Been there, done that. I just feel so awful and helpless. Nobody takes me seriously, they all think that just because I'm a housewife and I "don't have to work" that my life is all fun and games and happiness. I just wish I were dead. Every day I wish this. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I can't stand the thought of spending the next 40 years like this. Sorry for all the whining and bellyaching.
Verbalizing one's feelings is neighter stupid, nor childish, nor unproductive. You don't have to apologize.
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Old 08-24-2007
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In no way is it childish and its definatly not unproductive, belive me i can understand how it feels, i am a housewife to (well i was) and again my life has just seemed to turn to ..well crap basically and everyone thinks that because i've done it before i can do it again and i'm fine all is well with the world.

i too have made some really bad life decisions i've been thro therapy and medication and it all gets to much some times, BUT one of the best things you can do is what you've just done share it with people who won't judge you, that can understand and won't give you any of the bull that life is fine!! cause it's not.

i joined this site and then everything seemed to be going ok, and now suddenly its all gone to pot again, but i like to come here and do my bellyaching and whining, cause everyone here doesn't see it like that, and theres is no need to say sorry for that!!

and besides its good to whine sometimes !!!
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Old 08-25-2007
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Expert User
 

Believe it or not your actually very close to breaking through. No longer wish you were dead but start to live like your dead.

If you believe you are dead then nothing phases you. You can stare right back at people if they look at you, no stray comments will hurt you. In a way you become bullet proof. Who can kill those that are already dead?
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Old 08-25-2007
recluse's Avatar
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You are just venting and that's what these sites are about; being able to talk about the way you are feeling.
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Old 08-26-2007
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Newbie User
 

I know how you feel.. past two years I dealt with things as in abuse and illness and death, and I was really close to killing myself twice. Each time I was minutes away from taking my own life, I would picture my nieces and nephews.. and it kinda opened my eyes. Because no matter how lost you feel, and worthless and empty, theres always one thing, big or small. thats worth living for. No it doesn't make everything all better. Just gives you a little hope. I am sorry for babbling on, its just I have all the respect in the world for anyone going around living with depression or anxiety.. or ocd. or any other thing. I am also not saying I am better. That would be so nice, lol but its not true, I later went on to several therapist.. and eventually seeking rehabilitation for depression, by choice. I was in there for close to three months.. I still suffer from depression, I don't think you can get rid of it 100%.. I think its just the matter of learning to live your everyday life with it, and not allowing it to control you. but anyways, I could tell you everything will be ok, but as we all know.. other ppl telling us that, means nothing to us.. but I will wish you happiness along with everyone else on here.. take care
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Old 08-27-2007
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Don't be sorry...we all feel like this sometimes. You won't believe the amount of times i've felt like cutting myself so hard i would die.

But the key is to think of the happy things in life...or even a happy moment...your husband, for example. No life has only bad in it. Just try it...allow that happiness to override the depression.

There's as much love as there is hate in the world. It is what the person chooses to focus on that shows their true identity. And it is their true identity that chooses how the life will unfold.
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Old 01-08-2008
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deleted........
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Old 01-08-2008
recluse's Avatar
Elite User
 

Put it this way if i didn't have my parents, grandmother, sister and our two cats i would kill myself, after all who would miss me? Suicide may be an end to your problems but think how it would affect your loved ones
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Old 01-09-2008
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Advanced User
 

I should probally put this on a new topic but, oh well. I feel the need to share this with you all.

After more studying I have bourn an understanding on suicide/death. According to the bible those that die have their memory and life force/spirit put at rest, no conscious no nothing just so, our bodies return to dust, god remembers us ect.

This knowledge works in harmony in how people feel about suicide, its a escape, for rest, for change, for relief. Almost as if our own bodies know of the hell described in the bible. Again, while we could think logically there will be nothing after death even our very feelings betray this by the warmth of relief.

But to cease to exist permanently? Think deeply over it, it is no rest, it is the opposite of life, nothing, absoloute nothing not even darkness, no promises. You will be forgotten for all time and removed from the pages of history, a void, no friends, no love no thought. A single grain of sand holds more life and hope than we would should we truly 'die'.

I have harboured suicidal thoughts many times and long for rest, but thinking apon the obvious element that even our body knows is not the way brings depair in a huge amount! The sheer horror when this is realised brings everything to light.

We may want to rest, yes, to be relieved of pain and misery yes. But never to cease, never to end, never to be as nothing, even our very essence knows this and it is something that takes only a short amount of deep thinking to realise. It's subtle.

Never never wish true death, for true, everlasting death is a barely imaginable horror that in reality is something not usually thought about...
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Old 01-09-2008
 

xxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-09-2008
Doomed2Die's Avatar
Advanced User
 

It is more of a aberration of life than anything, its something deep down even our own psyche refuses. Simply put any rest or solace found in the promise of oblivion is false, I used to think the same intill I catched apon the thought fully. I have discussed this with family and friends religious or not and they (after a short time of thought) agree.

It is seperate, death and true death. It is a natural abhorrence, a true horror to those who see it. Even if you have nothing to live for it is ingrained into our very bones to fear it. True death is a partly buried thought to all people.

We may want to die, but by far our very essence does not, for it is life. And its polar opposite and only enemy is death.
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Old 01-09-2008
 

I feel the same :(
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Old 01-09-2008
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Newbie User
 

i know this feeling. every time i feel this way i just keep remindind myself:

'if you're going through hell, keep going.'

can't remember who said it, but i read it somewhere. also my li'l sis, the voice of reason she is, bless her, found a quote 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temorary problem,' which always makes me laugh in a cynnical way. if it wasn't for her i think i wouldhave lost my mind ages ago.
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Old 01-09-2008
 

If I'll have this uninteresting, nonexciting, lonely life all the time and If I dont/cant enjoy life, why keeping on livin? :( there's no meaning of life to me. this life is enjoyable for people without SP not for us
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Old 01-14-2008
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doomed2Die
According to the bible those that die have their memory and life force/spirit put at rest, no conscious no nothing just so, our bodies return to dust, god remembers us ect.
Why bring fiction into this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doomed2Die
But to cease to exist permanently? Think deeply over it, it is no rest, it is the opposite of life, nothing, absoloute nothing not even darkness, no promises. You will be forgotten for all time and removed from the pages of history, a void, no friends, no love no thought. A single grain of sand holds more life and hope than we would should we truly 'die'.
Uh, are you trying to say that's a bad thing? It sounds pretty good to me.

I don't think I will ever commit suicide, partly because I don't want to hurt my family, and partly because I don't have easy access to a quick, painless means of doing it. But right now I'm sick of life, if you can call it that, and look forward to being dead (not the process of dying though!).
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Old 01-15-2008
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Newbie User
 

i hope i can say what i think. people hurt a stroke victim so easilyi can't even go to the denist like normal people do.life has become so difficult.
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Old 01-15-2008
pamrla's Avatar
Newbie User
 

why ? i write i had a stroke on feb11, 2006 my family is suffering. i am a diabetic type2. and i suffer from fifty other ailments. i was told i would not make it,but here i am. i've had to learn everything all over from hospital to nursing home. when will it end?
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Old 01-16-2008
dorian's Avatar
Newbie User
 

Doomed2DIE, there is only one thing that keeps me from killing myself, the absolute terror that this damnation will not end with death. That I will continue to exist and suffer beyound death. I search for a way to insure that when I kill myself I will die the true death, the death of the soul. I lust for oblivion to the exclusion of all other desires. Alas the only paths I've found that offer me this salvation come at too high a price, I will only harm myself not others, and certianly not the innocent.

You don't understand to escape, truely escape the pain and misery of life you must be forever beyound the reach of god and devil (they are one and the same) and you can only achieve that by being uncreated.
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