I love me!

MollyBeGood said:

Please explain this more, like you will go to hell if you love yourself?

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It is so deeply engrained and embedded that it is like a reflex. I am not sure that I can explain it. Yes, as a child, I suppose it had something to do with hell. But I don't believe in hell now, or God, or anything. But I still have this fear of people punishing me if I show the slightest evidence of self-esteem.

theoutsider said:

I think you see a lot of that here because people with social phobia do tend to be awkward around others. It's a byproduct of our condition and it's our anxiety that causes it. The leaking "emotional toxin" is actually our nervous energy. Many of us exude a lack of confidence that is either misconstrued as aloofness or just disgusts most "normal" people. I don't think there's any magic, unknown and mysterious reason many people don't like us.

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This is all I can think of because I've worked on being a better person for several years now while others haven't had to work a day in their life to earn human company. I'm not even afraid and I still shake sometimes, but I'm not a project or a computer with parts that can be continuously swapped out and upgraded simply for performance... I'm a human being.

I was cursed from the day I was born while others were blessed, which makes it hard to not hate people. Still, I manage even while many awash in love, company, and desire manage to be brats. I never fight, I never steal, I do charity, and I stop to help people during the day.

I don't say this out of arrogance, I say it because someone has to stand up for the fact that I'm not worse than a bully, a narcissist, or a murderer (who all have company) and all I hear and see is that something is wrong with me or I'm making myself alone by being an unpleasant person. There's nothing wrong with me... the fault lies with the world.

Earthcircle said:

It is so deeply engrained and embedded that it is like a reflex. I am not sure that I can explain it. Yes, as a child, I suppose it had something to do with hell. But I don't believe in hell now, or God, or anything. But I still have this fear of people punishing me if I show the slightest evidence of self-esteem.

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Well, according to PlayBuzz, I am the emperor Hadrian. Ha ha ha.

Earthcircle said:

It is so deeply engrained and embedded that it is like a reflex. I am not sure that I can explain it. Yes, as a child, I suppose it had something to do with hell. But I don't believe in hell now, or God, or anything. But I still have this fear of people punishing me if I show the slightest evidence of self-esteem.

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No one is punishing you more than you are punishing yourself.

Sacrament said:

No one is punishing you more than you are punishing yourself.

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I have an instinctive withdrawal reaction around people. Why does everyone blame it on me? (I'm out of here.)

I don't like myself that much, which sounds rather hypocritical because if I met someone who had the same personality, interests and similar characteristics as myself, I would definitely like to be their friend.

Opaline is right people don't just react negatively towards you for no reason. It is your behaviour which is causing it but because you have been behaving that way for such a long time you are not aware of what you are doing. I get negative attention even though when people talk to me I'm polite. I now realise it's because of a number of things I am doing mainly body language and eye contact which I am working on daily to improve. It takes time to get there I am out of practice so I am observing others a lot now and trying really hard, I am still not there yet but it's going to take time. There's a lot I like about myself and a lot I still want to improve. I have recently been told by my sisters that I am like the old me again happy and fun. This makes me smile, im heading in the right direction. You can lose who you really are when you are consumed by anxiety.

Someone was talking about retraining your brain and affirmations and asking how long it takes. It's not something you do for a certain amount of time. You have been thinking negative thoughts about yourself and others for many years strengthening those neural pathways like when you work out at the gym strengthening your muscles. If you stop going to the gym you'll lose the muscle over time. You have to consciously start to think in a different way permanently and there is no telling how long that will take till you are in that new pattern it will be different for everyone. You have to change your thoughts to break free from SA and change your behaviour. It's really really hard yes but you have to change small things at a time. Make very small changes and like one step at a time you'll look back and see how far you've come. This is how I have improved, massively improved.

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mixedupgirl said:

Make very small changes and like one step at a time you'll look back and see how far you've come. This is how I have improved, massively improved.

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^this

I still have extremely bad days.

What have changed is that I now know that my mind is unreasonable, and that I have to change my thinking. It is not easy doing it while my brain is wallowing in the muck, but I've reduced the time I feel like that.

One day in hell is much better than a week.

This is a war, and I intend to win it.

In Army parlance they say, “train like you fight.” Don’t screw around and say, “Okay, when it’s for real then we’ll really ramp up.” No, you need to do that now. You need to train as hard and as realistic as possible, because this notion that when it’s for real and the stakes are high, that’s when we’ll really turn it on and rise to the occasion… that’s not what happens. You will not rise to the occasion. You will sink to the lowest level of your training. It’s the truth.

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I've tried to love me, haven't yet worked out how.

Earthcircle said:

I have an instinctive withdrawal reaction around people. Why does everyone blame it on me? (I'm out of here.)

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^ Victim blaming is easy. I think some people just can't or won't accept the fact that some people have had some problems their whole life and despite countless years of trying to change their thoughts have not managed to. So to blame them for all of the many visits to psychologists and psychiatrists, reading so many self-help books they lost count, trying all types of mediation, various religious mantras, searching the internet with the fervour of a cat in heat for websites that may contain the next new technique/advice/examples/encouragement/method of changing your thoughts that one can try for the next couple of months or years......and still have none of everything they have tried be successful for them, it becomes easier to blame them for it all not "working" despite trying their whole life.

I think some people can not deal with acknowledging that for some people with certain degrees of SA/anxiety have not been able to stop it disabling their life.
Because if they let their mind believe for a minute that there may be a tiny chance they might have to suffer with this for the rest of their lives, they just could not cope with that knowledge that it may also happen to them .

another great post BlueDays

We are all dealing with these issues to varying degrees and I cannot imagine how badly some people here do suffer. I know it is much worse than I ever will. They have tried to get better. They are not weak either. They shouldn't be criticized so much.

I started this thread to be light and fun, mostly. I am sorry for those who cannot except themselves to some degree if it's even just a little bit. That is real painful and needs to change.

Sacrament said:

It seems silly at first, as if you're just lying to yourself, but if your attitude changes along with the way you talk to yourself, you'll start seeing the shift. Obviously, it has to happen along with putting yourself out there (going out more, taking more risks, etc). When you have the thought that you're lazy and pessimisting, also take the chance to tell yourself "no, no more lazy, no more pessimistic, I've already lost enough years of my life that I won't get back", and then start proactively doing things like organizing your room/home, vacuuming, making a list of goals for the day/week/month/year, etc. Stop only to think about what you're gonna do next, to take a breath, to snack on a piece of fruit, to do a good deed for someone else, and so on.

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Thanks, I appreciate your advice. I'll try that!

AlienGeranium said:

I'm weird in that both when I self-deprecate and compliment myself it is with a hint of sarcasm. If I'm being honest I think I have room for improvement as an individual but also not pathetic or "a loser." I feel like saying "I love myself" or "I hate myself" would be a little extreme. I think I'm alright. I'd totally play a pickup game of racquetball with me on a Wednesday afternoon.

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It's not supposed to be based on any qualities you have or what you have done. You get to love yourself unconditionally because you deserve to be loved just like everybody else does. I couldn't help but sing that last part in my head. I like that you're such a realist though. I'd totally play a game of racquetball with you too.

BlueDays said:

^ Victim blaming is easy. I think some people just can't or won't accept the fact that some people have had some problems their whole life and despite countless years of trying to change their thoughts have not managed to. So to blame them for all of the many visits to psychologists and psychiatrists, reading so many self-help books they lost count, trying all types of mediation, various religious mantras, searching the internet with the fervour of a cat in heat for websites that may contain the next new technique/advice/examples/encouragement/method of changing your thoughts that one can try for the next couple of months or years......and still have none of everything they have tried be successful for them, it becomes easier to blame them for it all not "working" despite trying their whole life.

I think some people can not deal with acknowledging that for some people with certain degrees of SA/anxiety have not been able to stop it disabling their life.
Because if they let their mind believe for a minute that there may be a tiny chance they might have to suffer with this for the rest of their lives, they just could not cope with that knowledge that it may also happen to them .

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I agree with everything you've said, but I think another reason is that some people are so extroverted or fearless they can't comprehend being afraid of other people or just having anxiety. They can only see it through their happy go lucky vision and think that we're greatly exaggerating how terrifying and difficult getting better can be. Unlike physical illness or visible mental illness (e.g. bipolar; schizophrenia), ours sometimes doesn't even seem like it exists.

IntheLabyrinth said:

It's not supposed to be based on any qualities you have or what you have done. You get to love yourself unconditionally because you deserve to be loved just like everybody else does. I couldn't help but sing that last part in my head. I like that you're such a realist though. I'd totally play a game of racquetball with you too.

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Thanks See you on the racquetball court! I think to a degree love for self needs to be unconditional, but personally I want some of it to be conditional as well. I feel like it would mean more if I deserved it. Maybe everyone deserves love though and I'm thinking of respect?

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BlueDays said:

I think some people can not deal with acknowledging that for some people with certain degrees of SA/anxiety have not been able to stop it disabling their life.
Because if they let their mind believe for a minute that there may be a tiny chance they might have to suffer with this for the rest of their lives, they just could not cope with that knowledge that it may also happen to them .

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I wanted tp give my cents even though I may not know what I'm talking about, but I don't know if I see it as much as victim blaming (sometimes) as it is hope and opportunity. Obviously no one actively chooses to suffer, but accepting that there is nothing to be done to change such a debilitating part of one's life in any way seems so, I don't know, not good. And maybe that is the case for some people, but I'd like to believe that it isn't. That the power to change things is ours, and it can be done. I mean I know I can't say this without insinuating that people that don't progress or get better or find a way to live life a way they want are failing, and I don't want to belittle the struggle. Just the hope that things can get better helped me get out of bed when things were at their worst.

AlienGeranium said:

Thanks See you on the racquetball court! I think to a degree love for self needs to be unconditional, but personally I want some of it to be conditional as well. I feel like it would mean more if I deserved it. Maybe everyone deserves love though and I'm thinking of respect?

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You're welcome I am a racquetball virgin so you'd probably whoop me... I am pretty sure that no matter what you/one achieves (one being those without self acceptance) it will never be enough for you to love or respect your/oneself. I think you have to love and respect yourself first and then you'll be the better person you want to be. It's kind of like people who are addicted to plastic surgery. No matter how many procedures they undergo, they will never like the way they look because the flaws are in their mind and not the appearance.