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Old 11-03-2009  
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Danyo's Avatar
 

Default I need a place to tell my story...

Well, I've been coming on and off this forum for a while, never really posting much, if anything at all.

Anyway, I need a place to vent my pain, my frustration and sorrow. Hopefully, it'll also help me clear up some confusion I have.

So it all went fast downhill 3 years ago, when I dropped out of school, I thought I'd be able to find a job, and go live on my own and start a happy life with my ( now ex, more on that later ) girlfriend.

At first, I'm enjoying the time at home, usually just with my girlfriend alone at home on my room talking, watching tv and sitting behind the computer listening to music. After a year or so, I'm starting to feel more bad about the way my life is going, I feel getting seperated from my friends more and more, and the succes my girlfriend has on school is making me feel bad about not having a job yet. I'm just really terrified to go solicitate because I feel to bad for everything and everyone, or so I thought.

It got to a certain point where I couldn't handle it anymore, I broke down and I fell into a depression. So that's when my mother and girlfriend at time decided it was time for me to go see a psychiatrist. That was the first point that cleared some things up, because after a few sessions, he told me I had social anxiety. But he didn't really help me much, or so it felt to me and besides keeping taking the medication he prescribed to help me ( seroxat ) I decided that he wasn't really doing anything more for me. But, he did tell me to go see special help with finding a job, with people that are specialized with helping people that need just a bit more help.

That's when the long wait started... Too long, since now I was still depressed, and I knew I had social anxiety. But the waiting for the tests for that job took ages and ages. But about half a year ago, around the time me and my gf were 6 and a half years (!) together, it suddenly went downhill, majorly. She came to me after her final exam, and told me she needed some time alone to think about stuff. I was shaking and trembling, I felt my heart being ripped out and stepped on. I was frightened. After I calm down a bit, I get to talk to her a bit on msn when she felt like talking, and she starts telling me stuff she sais I'm doing wrong, and things I should change... Wich I was fine with, if she'd give me a chance.. Wich she didn't. So you can image me, no friends because of the sociaphobia, alienated from everyone besides my mother, being without a job for 2 years and a half and losing the only thing in the whole world that meant something for me, feeling I was at my final straw... So that was the point of no return for me ( at that point ) I took an overdose of heavy tranquilizers ( wich I had gotten from my doctor because of the break up and how I was looking because of it ).

But obviously, I survived. But it wasn't enough to handle yet... No, a month after her saying she needed a break ( she still didn't break up with me, telling me she needed more time ) I found out from my stephbrother, that she apparantly had a new relation with a guy already, and posted all about it on facebook. Nice, the whole world knew, besides me. I was angry, I was almost going mental. The thought that went through my head at those moments I better never write down anywhere.

But after some time, I started to get over it, even though it'll probably scar me for my whole life. In the mean time, those tests for a job were finished, and I got the results from it yesterday... I was expecting to be told what kind of job would suit me etc.. But apparantly, that didn't need as much attention as the other thing they found out. I'm on the autistic spectrum, wich caused me to get sociaphobia because I never got help and caused me to be depressed eventually. To explain a bit better, I'm a normally funtioning human being, on the outside, but a lot of things are harder for me, change is hard for me, breaking paterns is hard for me and empathy is hard for me amongst other things. now, I thought that I might not have sociaphobia, and it was just the autistic spectrum. I was wrong, apparantly both aren't even neccesarely related.

Now, she explained shortly what that meant for me.. I will not be able to do a lot of things without help from others, but because of my sociophobia, I will not be able to ask help from others. I think you can see the problem here. The worst part is, I wouldn't even mind taking any drugs or medication all my life, problem is, there aint any. So I'm probably going back to a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I got the feeling, it wont be helping me much. I feel as if I'm in a vicious circel that's impossible to break.

I never asked for any of this, I want to be a normal person, but I am not. I can't even be normal apparantly, since I'm broken. I wanted a family and children of my own, but I do not have any friends left, and it's hard to make new friends, when you do not have any, especially if you have social anxiety ( as you all know ). Why am I being punished like this, I never did anyone wrong, and I never ever deserved any of this. Even my ex of 6 years and a half didn't bother to tell me in my face that it was over before she hooked up with someone else.

Sorry if this isn't really the right place for it, but it's the only place I feel I can vent it all out without being judged.

If you want to know more, or if I was unclear about something, feel free to ask.

ps.: Sorry that it's a wall of text, but it was a lot I needed to vent.
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Old 11-03-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

throughout your entire post, i kept thinking to myself, i know exactly how you feel...& it baffles me that i'm not the only one. although i'm not autistic & i'm incapable of being in a relationship for longer than a month, i know how you feel. it's so hard to meet people without knowing other people beforehand. but have you ever tried to seek out other SA/SP sufferers in your area? trust me, they're everywhere, & if you can get past that barrier of talking to someone [you must have fairly good social skills if you were able to be in a relationship for 6 years], try to meet at least one other person.

god, it's like the pot calling the kettle black..i'll be honest, i don't think i have any jurisdiction to tell you to try meeting other people, since, god knows, i am incapable of that, unless i have my close friends with me.

but my recent relationship was the same way, except it was more of an every day thing, where my bf would constantly tell me what he thought was wrong with me & what i needed to change & how messed up i was. & it hurt so bad, since this was an ever single day thing. after a while, i jsut learned how to close myself off & just stare into space while he would go off on his tangents about how horrible i was. & now i'm even more damaged than before..& yet, while he was telling me all of this, he was probably off fkn someone else..but he knew that i'd always be there, so he kept coming back. idk. whatever. but it hurts so bad, when you lose the person that you thought you could always count on, the only person you felt completely safe with.. & when the only person you thought you could trust does the impossible & hurts you so bad like that, you feel like things will never be the same. but life has a funny little way of turning around. life's like a zebra, first comes a dark stripe, then comes a light one, then dark, then light. you seem like a great, commited, caring person. & anyone would be lucky to be with you. just makes me think, guys arent the only *******s...some chicks are too..

"You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love..I love..I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

"The person who has lived the most is not the one with the most years but the one with the richest experiences"
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau~

מַיִם רַבִּים, לֹא יוּכְלוּ לְכַבּוֹת אֶת-הָאַהֲבָה, וּנְהָרוֹת, לֹא יִשְׁטְפוּהָ

[I]


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Old 11-03-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

Yeah, they suggested to try to go to a meeting of people with the same ( or at least very simular ) problems as me. The things is, I wouldn't know were to start. It's scaring me that I do not know what will come next, and that I do not have things in my control. I want to try to make the best out of it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get myself to go to a meeting like that, cause I'll probably chicken out.
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Old 11-04-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

people=shit
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Old 11-04-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by lithium View Post
people=shit
I do not think it's that easy. It would be the easiest solution to think that, but in the end you do not gain anything from thinking like that.
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Old 11-05-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

Well, this is the right place and unfortunately you have noted a number of difficulties that are associated with social anxiety, and we've all had them before. I praise you on having the courage to come here and tell it after thinking it over for some time.

What you have noted is that using a prescription medication alone is not the solution to social anxiety. And, finding this job center that helps socially anxious people find employment is good temporarily, but I promise you that you can do much better that and don't need to live your life this way to the end of your days.

What I would recommend is to go see a counselor that specializes in anxiety (I saw counselors on differing occasions and found them very helpful). Counselors do not prescribe medicine, but they do help you through your difficulties with anxiety and very often counselors have had the problem for which they are providing help!

For me, regular exercise, talking to friends and getting help, taking risks to reduce anxiety, seeing a counselor, taking a small dose of medication, and eating foods that do not increase anxiety has been the recipe for success. As a result, I am now married, have a promising career although I am struggling now, and have all the friends that I need. You can and will do it, and it gets easier with the more help you have from others. Good luck and let me know if I can be of further help.
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Old 11-05-2009  
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Default Re: I need a place to tell my story...

Thank you for that danstelter, I'm glad you told me that you are married and have a carreer. I really needed to hear someone say it is possible to have a normal life ( even if it's more difficult at times ). It gives me back some motivation wich I had lost.
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