I need opinions on how to be assertive in a relationship..

grapevine

Well-known member
So my partner smokes like a chimney and Im a health nut.

When I am over his place- he smokes in the room, and his sister comes in and smokes in the room too. We sleep in that room.

..full of tobacco smoke.

I havent been exposed in my life to that until now and it makes me feel ill. My lungs hurt and my throat. For a little over a month Ive been exposed to it and it makes me feel so violated as my health is my biggest value.

He knows that I dont like it, Ive told him. Sometimes he will go outside to smoke, but then half an hour later and every time after .. smoke back inside like he has forgotten.

It sux big time. Waking up feeling ill. Feeling dirty all the time like smokey acid on your skin..

The worst thing is that he actually smoked in my car and still does. He ruined my car!!! : ((

How do I get the smoke out of it???

So everytime I drive my car now - I get ill - and in the cold of winter and rain have my windows down.

I told him not to smoke in my car .. kinda -- yet he did/forgot / doesnt understand...?? He thinks just having a window slightly open is enough.. omg..
: (

..or having the door open in the car and smoking like that .. but the smoke enters the car still..

How do I approach this? Im feeling so ill .. how do I put my foot down and honour my values whilst being in this relationship??
 
I hate being around smokers too, whenever a classmate would smoke near me I'd just ask him to either put out his cigarette or go pollute the environnement somewhere else. It works every time, even with strangers.

If your boyfriend really loves you and cares about your well being, then you should make it clear to him that he is ruining your health as well as making you uncomfortable in your own car. I mean, you didn't ask him to quit or something, just to smoke in open air... that's the very least he can do. If he still fails to do so, then he's either bullying you, or not caring about you, if that's the case then "dump his a$$", as sacrament said in your other thread.
Your health or your boyfriend.
 
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F0AM

Well-known member
Kill him.

My father does this too, doesn't matter how many times you tell him, he always "forgets" ugh!!

Why dont you tell him what you told us? Maybe he stops if he sees how concerned you are about your health (you'll probably have to remind him from time to time tho).

Good luck!
 

grapevine

Well-known member
What do you think will happen if you say you cant come over his house if he keeps smoking in your face/car?

I will not come over. I will tell him I get ill.

Thing is - I have been too chicken to stand up for myself the last few days and actually be assertive. Granted, Ive been thru (women's issues*) the last few days too and thats consumed my energy mental/physical.

I just want to know whats the most effective - yet non aggressive way to let him know how I feel - without him brushing it off.

There is a side to him that can be unconsciously apathetic sometimes- that he just either forgets or its not even in his mind. But its so unfair and Im letting it be that way grrr.

See he isnt allowed to smoke in the house -where his family live- he lives in the garage :)oh:) and smokes freely in there- even going over there.. when I havent been there - its smokey.

He has made efforts alot to have the roller shutter up many times - but its not good enough to me. I know that if I voice this loud and clear he will probably obey.. but he hasnt any ambitions to constantly do things.. it will take some energy to force this on him.

But its about respect right?
Sure, he cared for me last night when I wasnt well- putting rugs on me and getting my hot water bottle .. etc..

Yet you know there are times like after intimacy and he has to go and smoke like its the 70s.. and it will be in the room in the middle of the night with doors closed- and I am always covering up my mouth with rugs or my jumper.. but it makes no difference.

I just dont get why he is so plasae' about it.. knowing that I dont like it at all.

So telling him how ill I am from it. It just makes me so mad tho about my car.. to find buts in there too - I mean..

and my health isnt the only value that I have let him walk over either. Its also been my time too- imagine having hurrying up at your place to get showered and packed and bring your stuff to sleep over his place - having messaged each other for hours- getting a film to watch and he become exited and asks to bring it.. only when you rush to get there- he isnt present at all - hes on facebook - with his back to me.. during the whole film / not watching it.. but uploading many photos of himself and stuff like that. And I think.. why did I come here for?

Or when because your vegan.. and there is nothing for you to eat there - so you bring your own food for snacks - (like dates etc..) and he asks to have one - but eats alot of your food- not thinking that its all I have- and end up with nothing for the morning..

Or the fact that he has no money.. even tho he gets the doll. Having to lend him money yesterday - and pay for things for him.. all the time - its uncomfortable and makes me question his intentions all the time.

Yet I know that is not the case. But why cant he get his act together.

And even that thing about how he said he didnt like how I dress or what ever - that I could look better-- and he is someone who hardly even washes his clothes and wheres the same weird outfit all the time.. like helloo..''

These things have come to me this time of the month. I jsut want some more respect and sensitivity from him. And I want him to have more responsibility for himself too.
 
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dannyboy65

Well-known member
I think you should tell him how it's affecting your health and your concerns. If he doesn't accept them tell him your not going to his house anymore or something like that. He needs to respect your choice of being smoke free and if he can't respect that then you deserve better.
 

Megaten

Well-known member
Thing is - I have been too chicken to stand up for myself the last few days and actually be assertive.

Thats why I was wondering what you thought would happen. Your man should be the last person youre afraid to be honest with. If he breaks up with you over it then I guess you guys simply cannot coexist. I do wonder though if that schizophrenia you mentioned might have something to do with his bizarre behavior. I dont know what it means to be schizophrenic.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Thats why I was wondering what you thought would happen. Your man should be the last person youre afraid to be honest with. If he breaks up with you over it then I guess you guys simply cannot coexist. I do wonder though if that schizophrenia you mentioned might have something to do with his bizarre behavior. I dont know what it means to be schizophrenic.

Yes he has odd behaviour but also normal too. Its just very tiring. Im still not over this body image thing about me dressing better.. I just dont understand that as Ive been wearing normal latest fashions..it really messes with me when he says I can be hot- I mean you either are or your not to someone in my books.

Im not scared of him saying its over because I know he wouldnt. Its that I just feel so uncomfortable in putting my foot down because I have an inflexable self-esteem that finds it hard to back respect for myself from others.

Im not used to it and always been a people pleaser. I guess I just need some time away to reflect and maybe he can think about it. idk.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Actually -Im thinking of posting something on facebook about how im feeling about this.. Im thinking if I do that its more of an impact ?
 
Actually -Im thinking of posting something on facebook about how im feeling about this.. Im thinking if I do that its more of an impact ?

You mean to indirectly convey to him your thoughts about this?

If yes, that's an excellent idea, if you're not sure how to talk to your boyfriend.
 
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grapevine

Well-known member
Well - I did both lol..

I wrote a post with a picture of passive smoking - 'mind if I smoke.. care if I die' ..
and just wrote freely how I felt - not directly to him but just publicly how I felt about being in smoke and then I told him in message .. and he read both.. says he will smoke outside now. and I didnt mention my car even - but he said he wont smoke in my car now..

So we will see.. but it is still a smoke filled room. But I guess the main thing is that I am learning to be assertive in my own way- but I will need to hold my foot down. At least I have here- where if im over his place I can write on here for support in this - maybe it might mean going home if he smokes inside again.. idk..

but I know it will be uncomfortable being over his place and him smoking outside in the storm lol- there is a verandah kind of.. exposed. tho lol

But yeah- I guess I have things to still sort out tho- for myself in order to find better things in this relationship - its easy to get down certain mental pathways
 
Well - I did both lol..

I wrote a post with a picture of passive smoking - 'mind if I smoke.. care if I die' ..
and just wrote freely how I felt - not directly to him but just publicly how I felt about being in smoke and then I told him in message .. and he read both.. says he will smoke outside now. and I didnt mention my car even - but he said he wont smoke in my car now..

So we will see.. but it is still a smoke filled room. But I guess the main thing is that I am learning to be assertive in my own way- but I will need to hold my foot down. At least I have here- where if im over his place I can write on here for support in this - maybe it might mean going home if he smokes inside again.. idk..

but I know it will be uncomfortable being over his place and him smoking outside in the storm lol- there is a verandah kind of.. exposed. tho lol

But yeah- I guess I have things to still sort out tho- for myself in order to find better things in this relationship - its easy to get down certain mental pathways

Way to go ! :thumbup:
This went pretty smooth.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
I can't stand smoking - and smokers attitudes. It's one of my pet hates.

You need to let your partner know in no uncertain terms that while he has the right to smoke in his house if he chooses, your car is a non smoking car.

If he still smokes in your car after this, then he's not taking you seriously as a partner.
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Well all night and morning he didnt smoke and actually went outside. But then, he said he had been good and was going to smoke one inside - but the roller door was wide open and fresh air so I didnt mind so much.

But I should of said no.
 
Well all night and morning he didnt smoke and actually went outside. But then, he said he had been good and was going to smoke one inside - but the roller door was wide open and fresh air so I didnt mind so much.

But I should of said no.
Hmm, so it only took 24 hrs. :sad:
Passive Aggressive people usually will say "yes" to something asked of them to stop you complaining, but in reality have no intention of really stopping in the long term, and will find "excuses" to continue the behaviour off and on.
Have you read about Passive Aggressive Behaviour, grapevine?
 

grapevine

Well-known member
Hmm, so it only took 24 hrs. :sad:
Passive Aggressive people usually will say "yes" to something asked of them to stop you complaining, but in reality have no intention of really stopping in the long term, and will find "excuses" to continue the behaviour off and on.
Have you read about Passive Aggressive Behaviour, grapevine?

Thats interesting. I know what passive aggressive behaviour is - but I don't know of the book?


Hmm - well it lasted a whole night and it was great. I slept without the smoke for once. My lungs still hurt tho. But the thing was in the morning , he decides to open up the roller shutter and let the air in -- at the same time of smoking inside and then spraying mens deodorant everywhere.. (which made me ill)..

I didnt have the energy to be assertive over that- but I will be next time.
He said he had been very good - so he was going to smoke one inside now..

Im like... whats the point then (in my mind..)
and then it was another smoke.

So I decided to leave early- he even had a movie on lol.

He was like- your leaving early.
So he decided to leave early to see his friend's place.

and a thought- too in my mind - if you were to wash that room- like clean furniture and walls - they would all be stained yellow from the smoke.
 
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