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Old 03-02-2011
HeadFace's Avatar
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Even my only family that I live with doesnt want to bring me places. And my friend who I thought was my best friend never tells me about her plans. Even my ex never wanted me with her. Or my other ex.
Really. I talk to my best friend a load. Occasionally over the phone or webcam. most of the time over AIM or texting though (like 80% of the time). So I'm confused. Is she emberassed to be seen with me? I thought she was my best friend.

The more I think about it the more I want to go cut myself and just sleep for the rest of my life. Even though people say they enjoy talking to me or being with me, they never prove it. Thinking about it just enrages me. Really. I was in class and thinkin about it. Just to prevent myself from snapping right there in the middle of class, I had to go to the "restroom" just so I could spill everything out.

And talking about it makes me want to cry (I can feel my eyes getting puffy just thinking about it. Even now my eyes are starting to get puffy, and my throat has that "oh dont cry please please" feeling). I've never felt wanted in my life. And I feel awkward talking about hanging out with anyone because I'm the one who never gets invited. And when I hear about it when someone tells me my friend went out with friends out hung out, I just feel like **** and so many questions pop into my head;
"Am I really wanted?"
"Who do they think they are?"
"Why didn't she invite me?!"
"Am I that ridiculous?"
"Am I that boring?"
"Would it matter if I just killed myself right here and now?"
"It's not like I'll be missed. No one wants to spend time with me"


I am not the over-sensitive type who freaks out over small things... But this is just getting ridiculous, and VERY VERY noticeable. And before telling me to ask HER instead:
I HAVE been asking.
whenever I bring up the idea she tells me either:
She can't because of other plans with more important people then someone like me (well... She doesnt say it like that. But she just has other plans with other people)
She can't because of some family stuff
She can't because her mom isn't going to let her (she doesnt even try. **** it.)
or
when she actually can
She says she can only stay for an extremely limited time (usually 20 to 40 minutes)
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Old 03-02-2011
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And just to add on because why the hell not, you guys could probably help.
All day I've been thinking about just staying away from her. I'm so...I just don't want to see her ever again. Ever. Not SOLELY because of what I explained in the above post. But because she isn't meeting me halfway. Not even a quarter of an inch to halfway.
Hell, I'm actually convinced that she's just using my to make herself feel better.
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Old 03-02-2011
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It's hard for me to say, not knowing more about your friend... is she the type to possibly be shy or anything? Because - there was a time when I did that - what she's done to you, based on what you've said only with other of my friends in the past, making excuses similar and avoiding. And since 80% of your talks are via text/AIM and rest phone/Webcam... (I had no trouble doing text/etc.).

IF NOT - you should tell her (sounds like you did already?) how you feel. Share that. Take a break then otherwise from her. That's helped me before.

AS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE - those thoughts of feeling wanted/etc... many here have pondered those exact questions you ask. It can really hurt. Sometimes our fears and energies can contribute and be projected. But I feel ya I ask those same questions still...
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Old 03-02-2011
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Welcome to my world, exactly the same happens to me. I chose to cut ties with a girl due to something similar, sometimes it is easier to do this rather than having to deal with inner demons.

I still haven't worked out how others get invited to things and I don't. My last invite was Monday night, but prior to that I can barely even remember the last time I was invited to anything.
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Old 03-02-2011
 

I know that feeling of not being wanted, of being alienated and cast away. And yes, it does feel like crap. But I do think you just haven't found the right people to make friends with yet.

You'll find someone who will actually appreciate you and would love to take you out. That I am sure of. Sometimes you just gotta stick around and look hard for those people. Don't blame yourself; it's not always your fault. I believe it's a compatibility thing. Sometimes you may not be compatible with most of the people in your class or environment. But that doesn't mean you're the most boring person and that nobody in the world would want to be friends with you.

As for your (ex?) best friend, if you're absolutely sure she's avoiding you, then there's no use pushing it. It sounds like you're not very happy with her anyway, so breaking it off would probably be the next best option. The best would be talking it out with her.
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Old 03-02-2011
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I know exactly how you feel, not getting invited anywhere. I've rejected my friends' invites to places so many times, I don't even get invited much anymore. And I guess I can't blame them. I can't even bring myself to go out and have a good time with them cuz of this stupid anxiety.


As far as your friend goes, sorry to hear she's avoiding you. Maybe take some space and see what happens? Or just be straight up about how you feel. I would take the former, just because it's an easy way out. But maybe honesty would be a really good option here...
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Old 03-02-2011
deleted user 1
 

People grow apart, particulary at your age, and particularly when you do not spend time in each other's company. Perhaps she doesn't invite you anywhere because of your SA. Or maybe she is forming stronger bonds with people she meets up with. The possibilities are endless, but I doubt it's anything to do with you being "not right". I did the same thing as your friend once because of my SAD, and the fact that we were moving in two different directions. It was too much of a strain for me to maintain that friendship. There are two sides to every story.
 
Old 03-02-2011
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Don't worry, you are not the only one going through this..... I felt worthless and lonely before and I still do sometimes. Basically, I used to have 2 best friends,X and Y (now both are classmates at hs)....X is still my friend, while my friendship with Y has gone cold because he talked (and still does) about me behind my back. It all started with him not calling me to come outside, just because I was bullied and couldn't stand for myself and he was influenced by others......I was f*king angry and confused at first, but now it doesn't bother me so much , because it's clear he is doing these things( he gossips, has a goofy superficial attitude) to boost his own confidence....
As for X he still invites me to places , but unfortunately he too does talk me behind my back....I mean there are moments when i get along great with him, and others when he`s sort of ignoring me as if I'm boring him......well, i guess he doesn't put much value on friendship and all that stuff..
So yeah mate, I kinda now the feelings you're going through... My advice for you: if she`s your only friends think twice before breaking off the friendship... You may feel good at first, but then the loneliness will haunt so think in the longterm when you're making a decision...
Cheers!
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Old 03-02-2011
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I've had friends who were all TAKE and no GIVE to the friendship.
The kinds of friends who would call me to talk my ear off about how 'horrible their boyfriend is' and that their day was horrible-- once they were done talking, they would say bye and hang up the phone.
-___-
I'm not the type to say 'burn bridges'- cut them loose and leave; but sometimes it's just better to back off and find a new friend who appreciates you more.
Good friends are hard to come by- I know that.

It's crappy that you never get invited anywhere...
I know how you feel, though. All through school, I was not invited to a single party - I showed up at one because my boyfriend just happened to be going to it and I asked if I could go too. (then I realized how disgusted I am by drunk teenagers and decided that parties were *not* for me anyways.)
I was never invited to a birthday party before; other than my own sister's.
It's hurtful and ridiculous because it seems that every person and their grandma are involved in things when you aren't!
I still get frustrated with it even though I couldn't leave my room even if I was invited anywhere these days.

I don't really know what else to say~
Have you planned many outings on your own? I know it's kinda lame, but sometimes going out and inviting people to go with you can give people a reason to invite you along with *them* the next time they do something.
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Old 03-02-2011
 

I can relate to you since i had the same problem with an ex friend. the only time we went out was because she really wanted to go somewhere and i was the only person available. As far as staying away goes, don't block her or avoid her, i tried that you will eventually go back to her. The best way to deal with this is to confront her, say exactly what you feel to her and tell her if things don't change I can't no longer see why we should be friend
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Old 03-02-2011
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Same here. But I don't even have friends to invite me anywhere. I've only had 2 friends my whole life (one in high school, and one in my early 20's who I lost touch with about 5 years ago) who I ever did anything with outside of work or school. I never see or talk to anyone outside of work now, and in high school I knew nothing of parties or other such get-togethers. Even in college I was ignorant of any kind of social scene. It's a mystery to me, how to make friends and get invited anywhere. I feel like such an outcast- there are a few coworkers I'm kind of friendly with, but when topics such as parties come up, it's usually just in the context of "You've never been to one?!?" I try to just shrug it off or make a joke of it, but it's still kind of frustrating.
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Old 03-02-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeadFace View Post

I am not the over-sensitive type who freaks out over small things... But [B]this is just getting ridiculous, and VERY VERY noticeable.
This isn't a small thing. I'm assuming this is one of the only people you hang out with, so the fact that she doesn't hang out with you as much as you'd like leaves you alone a lot, and that is a big thing.

I don't know if this will help, but my friends haven't contacted me for five years. And it's not like I left town, I still live in the same city that they live in! They are always doing something and haven't invited me anywhere, or much less called me in 5 years.

The truth is that most people are like this, they are out for themselves. You see, my friends or former friends, whatever you want to call them, they already have people to talk to, so they aren't going to bother with the shy kid because it's not like they need the shy kid. People do what is in their best interest and what is making them happy. Like on a Friday night, my former friends are focused on two things: having alcohol to drink, and having people to talk to, and they will always have people to talk to because they will always have their outgoing buddies hanging around them. I don't matter to them, it's not like I can help them get chicks or give them stimulating conversation. I see why they don't call me. I'm meaningless to them.

I know it's depressing, but most of the world operates off of selfish needs. Headface, your friend is no different. The only way you'll ever have people to hang out with on a regular basis is if you are aggressive and go out and try to meet people.
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Old 03-02-2011
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Depends where they're going. Most of the time its places I couldn't be bothered going to anyway so I don't care.
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Old 03-02-2011
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Yeah, I also don't get invited a lot... sucks.

It does sound like she is avoiding you.
Do you really want some one like that in your life?
That person doesn't sound like a good friend to me...
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Old 03-06-2011
HeadFace's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deus_Ex_Lemur View Post
IF NOT - you should tell her (sounds like you did already?) how you feel. Share that. Take a break then otherwise from her. That's helped me before.

AS FOR EVERYTHING ELSE - those thoughts of feeling wanted/etc... many here have pondered those exact questions you ask. It can really hurt. Sometimes our fears and energies can contribute and be projected. But I feel ya I ask those same questions still...
(She isn't shy at all trust me...)
I havent exactly confronted her about it. But she tried to use me and my friend to hitch a ride to a party. I confronted her about it and all she could spit out was "uh.. You dont have to go if you guys dont want to"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aussie_Lad View Post
Welcome to my world, exactly the same happens to me. I chose to cut ties with a girl due to something similar, sometimes it is easier to do this rather than having to deal with inner demons.

I still haven't worked out how others get invited to things and I don't. My last invite was Monday night, but prior to that I can barely even remember the last time I was invited to anything.
Yeahh. I made some new friends, and I got to hang out with both of them on Friday and today. These are the ones I want to keep.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WeirdyMcGee View Post
I've had friends who were all TAKE and no GIVE to the friendship.
The kinds of friends who would call me to talk my ear off about how 'horrible their boyfriend is' and that their day was horrible-- once they were done talking, they would say bye and hang up the phone.
-___-
I'm not the type to say 'burn bridges'- cut them loose and leave; but sometimes it's just better to back off and find a new friend who appreciates you more.
Good friends are hard to come by- I know that.

It's crappy that you never get invited anywhere...
I know how you feel, though. All through school, I was not invited to a single party - I showed up at one because my boyfriend just happened to be going to it and I asked if I could go too. (then I realized how disgusted I am by drunk teenagers and decided that parties were *not* for me anyways.)
I was never invited to a birthday party before; other than my own sister's.
It's hurtful and ridiculous because it seems that every person and their grandma are involved in things when you aren't!
I still get frustrated with it even though I couldn't leave my room even if I was invited anywhere these days.

I don't really know what else to say~
Have you planned many outings on your own? I know it's kinda lame, but sometimes going out and inviting people to go with you can give people a reason to invite you along with *them* the next time they do something.
I think a lot of people here (ESPECIALLY me) can relate. Never been to a party. Never been to a birthday since I was like... 10. You know. Except for family's which I'm pretty much REQUIRED to goto. Not even my "close friends" have invited me anywhere... They say that I mean a lot but in the end. I know for sure that I dont.
Anyway about burning bridges... I know... I know... So many people have just blocked me out. I never ever imagined myself doing it. I know it hurts, too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by da_illest101 View Post
I can relate to you since i had the same problem with an ex friend. the only time we went out was because she really wanted to go somewhere and i was the only person available. As far as staying away goes, don't block her or avoid her, i tried that you will eventually go back to her. The best way to deal with this is to confront her, say exactly what you feel to her and tell her if things don't change I can't no longer see why we should be friend
I know the feeling. I know, really. I think the only reason quite a few people hang out with me because they're desperate to leave theyre desperate to leave or something like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesSmith View Post
This isn't a small thing. I'm assuming this is one of the only people you hang out with, so the fact that she doesn't hang out with you as much as you'd like leaves you alone a lot, and that is a big thing.

I don't know if this will help, but my friends haven't contacted me for five years. And it's not like I left town, I still live in the same city that they live in! They are always doing something and haven't invited me anywhere, or much less called me in 5 years.

The truth is that most people are like this, they are out for themselves. You see, my friends or former friends, whatever you want to call them, they already have people to talk to, so they aren't going to bother with the shy kid because it's not like they need the shy kid. People do what is in their best interest and what is making them happy. Like on a Friday night, my former friends are focused on two things: having alcohol to drink, and having people to talk to, and they will always have people to talk to because they will always have their outgoing buddies hanging around them. I don't matter to them, it's not like I can help them get chicks or give them stimulating conversation. I see why they don't call me. I'm meaningless to them.

I know it's depressing, but most of the world operates off of selfish needs. Headface, your friend is no different. The only way you'll ever have people to hang out with on a regular basis is if you are aggressive and go out and try to meet people.
Thank you for realizing that it isn't a small thing. Anyway, wow. All of that is so true... You're friends are fools if they dont think that you're a great person to talk to. I mean just from that post I can already tell you could be a pretty interesting conversater. And I don't see myself as an aggressive person. I guess I'm confused.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isola View Post
Yeah, I also don't get invited a lot... sucks.

It does sound like she is avoiding you.
Do you really want some one like that in your life?
That person doesn't sound like a good friend to me...
I don't. Really. And lately she hasnt been. She makes herself out to be some great innocent person who everyone is somehow supposed to love. But she isn't. she's just out for reputation.
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Old 03-06-2011
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Anyway today really pissed me the **** off. It's just driven (drove?) me over the edge. While hanging out with my new friends she texts me. So when I ask her whats up she tells me about how she's hanging out with some other people.
I want to kill her.
I've been asking for two weeks to hang out. Actually like a month. And her answer's were always the same:
I can't.
Busy.
Next week for sure.
Yada yada
Blah blah
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Old 03-06-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeadFace View Post
Anyway today really pissed me the **** off. It's just driven (drove?) me over the edge. While hanging out with my new friends she texts me. So when I ask her whats up she tells me about how she's hanging out with some other people.
I want to kill her.
I've been asking for two weeks to hang out. Actually like a month. And her answer's were always the same:
I can't.
Busy.
Next week for sure.
Yada yada
Blah blah
Hmm, I think I see what the problem is here. She thinks that you don't want to hang out around other people because it would awkward and uncomfortable for you and maybe the other people that you are with. Your friend is like most other people, they don't just want to hang out with one person, they want to hang out with multiple people, and that means there will be plenty of "group sessions" of at least 3 or more people hanging out at one time.

I see you are taking this personally. It is possible she is avoiding hanging out with you not because she doesn't like you, but because she knows that you don't want to hang out with other people, which sounds like the case? If that is true, then it's not personal at all, she just doesn't want to ask something that she knows you'll say no to.

The main problem is that you have put your faith in one friend for "hanging out time." So whenever you want to hang out with this person, if they can't hang out with for whatever reason, you have nobody else. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly okay to have a small number of friends, but only having one friend and expecting them to be free to just hang out with all of the time is unrealistic. Yes, I know it's hard to make other friends for us shy people, but if you don't want to be alone so often, then you may want to take a shot at trying to making some different friends, especially considering the one you have keeps letting you down.
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Old 03-06-2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesSmith View Post
Hmm, I think I see what the problem is here. She thinks that you don't want to hang out around other people because it would awkward and uncomfortable for you and maybe the other people that you are with. Your friend is like most other people, they don't just want to hang out with one person, they want to hang out with multiple people, and that means there will be plenty of "group sessions" of at least 3 or more people hanging out at one time.

I see you are taking this personally. It is possible she is avoiding hanging out with you not because she doesn't like you, but because she knows that you don't want to hang out with other people, which sounds like the case? If that is true, then it's not personal at all, she just doesn't want to ask something that she knows you'll say no to.

The main problem is that you have put your faith in one friend for "hanging out time." So whenever you want to hang out with this person, if they can't hang out with for whatever reason, you have nobody else. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly okay to have a small number of friends, but only having one friend and expecting them to be free to just hang out with all of the time is unrealistic. Yes, I know it's hard to make other friends for us shy people, but if you don't want to be alone so often, then you may want to take a shot at trying to making some different friends, especially considering the one you have keeps letting you down.
No. You dont get it at all, trust me. I always invite her places, and she knows Im comfortable with her friends.

And again you arent getting it. We're supposedly close, and we have deep conversations and goto each other when we're depressed or have problems. But the last time I seen her was last month on my birthday (Jan 26). and that again was only for about 50 minutes. Before that? Some time in early December. Before that? I can't even recall. So I'm not depending on her all the ****ing time. I expect her to at least hang out with my often, instead of these like, two month-gaps. I mean, at least once or twice a month. We live in the same ****ing neighborhood, she doesnt even have a legitamate excuse.
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Old 03-06-2011
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I know exactly what that's like, although to be honest I don't ask for an invite since I'm too afraid of the possibility of hearing some sort of excuse as to why she doesn't want me around. I have resigned myself to the fact that to my friend I am just a confidant, a therapist used to vent frustrations at, but that's ok because she's the only friend I got.
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Old 03-06-2011
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I invite myself to the places I want to go.
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