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Old 09-06-2008  
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Default I think about killing myself a lot lately

And I don't want to. I have a husband I love, we're building a house, I love my family. I have everything to live for but it seems my anxiety keeps getting worse all the time. I'm afraid it will get to the point where I am so debilitated that I won't be able to work and we'll lose everything and my husband will leave me.

I have depression, anxiety and hyperhidrosis. I was able to fight my anxiety pretty well and go to work until I decided to change careers. So I went to cosmo school. Well there I discovered I have hyperhidrosis. I always knew I sweat more than other women but with this career I;m moving and running around a lot. Before I sat at a desk. And maybe its not quite HH but I do sweat like a disgusting pig. I tried to quit a bunch of times in school bc I'd sweat so bad it would be in my eyes and I couldnt concentrate on the job. Then I'd get embarrassed and nervous and the anxiety would kick in. My husband convinced me to stay in school and that I could overcome it.

Well I've worked in 2 salons and have had the same problem. I sweat like a pig and blush like crazy. I can't concentrate and I wind up rushing my client out of the chair so I can hide in the back room until I dry off.

I start a job at a new salon today bc the last one was like being in the military. The manager's had a habit of embarrassing you in front of a client and calling you out. That I couldn't take at all so I start at this salon which is more laid back.

I went in yesterday for 1/2 hour just to get my info in their system and get tax forms filled out etc and I started sweating. I don't know why. I wasn't nervous. It was warm in there but not hot. And I was just sitting there filling out paperwork. By the time I left my head was soaked. Everyone was looking at me like I was a freak. I was so embarrassed. I just got over stomach flu so my boss thought I still had a fever and that 's why I was sweating. I am so scared about going in there today and sweating.

I'm sitting here shaking as I type. I just got done crying a few mins ago and thought maybe I could feel better if I let all this out. My husband is supportive of me as best he can be but I know he doesn't fully understand. He'll say, "So you sweat. who cares what they think?"
I'm in a salon with all these women who are freezing when the thermo is at 72 and I'm soaked.

And I can see from his point of view. I job hop and have these fits of anxiety and cry and get immobilized. I'm sick a lot and I think the anxiety lowers my immunity. I have a mitral valve prolapse which causes palpatations and hyperventilation on top of eveything.

I thought about going to my boss and explaining my HH and at least with her knowing I'd feel better. But I'm too humiliated.

So lately I feel like suicide is the best solution. My husband could go on and not have to worry about me. My parents wouldn't have to worry about me. I know its not that simple but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I don't know what to do. And all bc I sweat like a pig. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 09-06-2008  
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we've all been there, but its fleeting and will pass in due time, you'll feel better trust me ...

Forget about the others, you deserve to be alive for yourself first off, because think of what you've achieved so far, you've been through school and worked, life is one bittersweet hurdle looping over and over ...

you have interests right? ...any sort of passion needs to keep you going, print off photos of whats important to you and keep them close-by so if your feeling down you can remind yourself to keep going ...

before you were born the universe existed for hundreds of millions of years and will continue afterwards, so think about how insignificant our problems are compared to the magnitude of that, so hold on to your hat and keep sweating, keep fighting.

pain is pleasure ..pleasure is pain

dont pull the plug before your time, experiance as much as you can ...

you seem to have achieved alot, your building a house with your partner ..

many people would envy those achievements

meditation may help

your a fan of garbage too, thats a reason to keep going
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Old 09-06-2008  
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Whycantibenormal,

There is no such thing as "normal"! Nobody is "normal." We all have our problems, and I don't mean just the people who write about it on this website. Don't put yourself down or end your life because you think you aren't as good as somebody else. And don't underestimate how important you are to to your own family!

Sounds like you're driving yourself crazy with all the "what-if's". I used to do that, and I just had to tell myself, "If the worst happens, God will take care of it" and then live one day at a time. You don't know what the future holds, so why worry? Maybe your future will be really good!

I hope it helped you to feel better just to share your feelings with us. I'll be praying for you!
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Old 09-06-2008  
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Thanks guys for your replies. I'm trying to hold on. I would never hurt myself knowing it would hurt my husband and family. But it doesn't mean I don't think about it. I've decided to just change careers and hope for the best.
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Old 09-07-2008  
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I sort of understand... I don't have hyperhydrosis, that sounds terrible, but sort of along the same lines, I do have panic attacks at work where I get all dizzy and my hands and feet go numb and I never feel like I can stop what I'm doing because I don't want anyone to know, but I get so scared that I will black out.

I also think about suicide a lot... I have thought about it every day for almost a year now... And sometimes before that, too. I also feel like it's the only escape but I don't want to hurt my family... It's a shitty spot to be in.

Are you going to a therapist or anything? Or taking meds? I hope that something helps you...
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