I think I have a social anxiety disorder

Sable

Well-known member
Hi, I'm new here. I think I might have some kind of social disorder, because what I'm feeling has to be more than shyness. Could someone please read this and tell me if they ever feel the same as me (sorry, I know it's a bit long).

Firstly, I'm 21, female, and in college (studying Arboriculture). I've always been shy, and getting through school was hell. But these last maybe 3 years have been getting progressively worse. I left school on my 16th brithday, the second I was old enough. I then proceeded to alienate myself from all of my friends. They used to come over to my house, and I would come up with all the excuses under the sun to stay home. After about a year they stopped coming. I went from job to job, never staying long, always finding some reason to justify getting away from each one. Eventually I became unemployed full time.

Then the 'flee' instinct (as I call it), that I had experienced in my previous jobs seemed to intensify. I would be offered jobs, but in the first few days, or the night before I was due to start, I would panic and search desperately for some way to get out of going. I mean intense whole nights of panic, filled with tears, an inability to catch my breath, sweating and shaking. I would take off in my car, switch off my phone, and stay away for whole days and nights in the middle of nowhere.

Eventually I plucked up the courage to go to college (even if it is my local college, and I still live at home), I desperately wanted to get out of the pattern I made for myself. I'm now in my second year, and have done my level best to be 'normal' around people. I even managed to get a merit in my communications class last year, which involved an oral presentation.

However, this year I really think I'm going out of my mind. I have another oral presentation coming up, but in front of a much larger class full of people I don't know. Today I had a practice presentation in front of only the lecturer, and it was a disaster. It took me nearly 5 minutes to say 'good morning'. I just couldn't say the words. I really don't think I'll be able to even pass this year. But it's not just that. Basic social interaction is almost impossible. I'm constantly nervous and extremely self-concious. I constantly feel like people are watching me and judging everything I do. I am always silent in conversation, and when I do try to say something (only because people pick up on the fact I'm saying nothing) the words just will not come, or when they do they are ill-timed and talked over, or come out in an incoherent rush. I have a constant fear of saying/doing something stupid that will come back to haunt me. And believe me, it will...

The worst, most crippling part of all of this is that I seem to have accumulated a vast (and ever increasing) store in my head of every stupid thing I have ever, ever done or said. These images come unbidden to my mind throughout the day, and they make me physically flinch. It sounds so weird, but I can't help it. Sometimes I shout at the top of my voice (if alone, obviously) to try to drown it out, or run as fast as I can to escape these stupid memories, sometimes I almsot spontaneously whack myself on the head, just so the pain will give me something else to think about, but it doesn't work. This feeling is overwhelming and constant, and I live in abject fear of doing anything else stupid to add to this store.

When I go out socially (very rarely) I almost always get very drunk (usually very quickly, and without even realising it), because I'm desperate to lose these inhibitions, but then I make a fool of myself, and so it begins over again, and I don't go out again for a long time.

Sometimes I agree to do something socially with someone in the future, but when the time comes again I panic, and ignore phone calls / come up with excuses, until they go away. I did that recently. Before the summer holidays I gave a girl at college my phone number and agreed to go out with her on my motorbike. Towards the end of the holidays she phoned me and, completely irrationally and out of nowhere, I switched off the phone and hid it under my mattress. When I eventually plucked up the courage to switch it back on I had 13 missed calls from her, and a text message asking why I was ignoring her. I HATE letting people down, and told her I was selling the bike (which wasn't strictly true at the time, but I sold it anyway almost for the sole reason that she would believe that's why I hadn't gone out).

Does anyone here ever feel even remotely like this? Or is all this just some form of insanity? Please, please advise!!!!
 

kody

Member
Whilst, I recommend that people always get a diagnosis. I don't really think that it is good to self diagnose. However you seem to be showing signs of Social Anxiety/Phobia

The following is the
DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA FOR SOCIAL PHOBIA

A. A marked and persistent fear of one or more social and performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be humiliating or embarrassing. Note: In children, there must be evidence of the capacity for age-appropriate social relationships with familiar people and the anxiety must occur in peer settings, not just in interactions with adults.
B. Exposure to the feared social situation almost invariably provokes anxiety, which may take the form of a situationally bound or predisoposed Panic Attack. Note: In children, the anxiety may be expressed by crying, tantrums, freezing, or shrinking from social situations with unfamiliar people.
C. The person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable. Note: In children, this feature may be absent
D. The feared social or performance situation are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety or distress
E. The avoidance, anxious anticipation, or distress in the feared social or performance situation(S) interferes significantly with the person's normal routine, occupational (academic) functioning, or social activities or relationships, or there is marked distress about having the phobia.
F. In individuals under age 18 years, the duration is at least 6 months
G. The fear or avoidance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition and is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Panic Disorder With or Without Agoraphobia, Separation Anxiety Disorder, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, or Schizoid Personality Disorder).
H. If a general medical condition or another mental disorder is present, the fear in Criterion A is unrelated to it, e.g., the fear is not of Stuttering, trembling in Parkinson's disease, or exhibiting abnormal eating behavior in Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa

Please go to talk to someone about it. The best place to start would probably be your doctor. You could try to find a psychologist, try to get one who specialises or deals with anxiety problems. Don't be afraid to ask for help, thats what they are there for.

Kody.
 

Snowcrash

Well-known member
Sable said:
Does anyone here ever feel even remotely like this?


Don't ask me for help putting a label on what you (or I) are feeling, but to answer the simple question above, YES.
 

Richey

Well-known member
That definately sounds like SP.
You and me sound very similar. I cant stand oral presentations at University! In fact i also despise getting up on that morning. And i turn my phone off during the day. Its hard becoming confident in yourself. I have felt like the outkast most of my life and its definately affected my confidence. Like today i wanted to go shopping to buy some new pants but whenever i go to the shops young people these days seem to have model like good looks and such a high-standard in fashion. I always feel self conscious and paranoid about it.
 

blue

Well-known member
hello, i can relate to the things you are experiencing and no you are not going mad :!: well if you are i and alot of other people on this site are completely crazy aswell :lol:
there are things that you can do to help, breathing exercises are really good if you are suffering alot of anxiety and concentrating on things that will stop you focussing on negative thoughts.
I think hearing other peoples stories will really help,
your not alone :D
 

blue

Well-known member
hello, i can relate to the things you are experiencing and no you are not going mad :!: well if you are i and alot of other people on this site are completely crazy aswell :lol:
there are things that you can do to help, breathing exercises are really good if you are suffering alot of anxiety and concentrating on things that will stop you focussing on negative thoughts.
I think hearing other peoples stories will really help,
your not alone :D
 

Snowcrash

Well-known member
Yeah, about shopping... I avoid almost any store where I know the poor clerks are instructed to chase the customers around asking:

"Can I help you? Can I help you?"

I mean I don't want to have a big social interaction to buy batteries at radio shack. Thank goodness for Amazon.com, you can buy anything from them.
Shopping online has either helped me a lot, or fed into my weaknesses. Hum :?:
 

blight

Well-known member
That is exactly what I experience except for the part where you describe panicing at night, crying, and not being able to catch your breath. I think for many people with this problem we are fine when we are alone at night. That is how it is with me at least. Everything else though resonated very strongly.

I would advise against drinking when you go out. I used to have the same tendency at college (I'm 26 now), until about the time I realized it was making it quite a bit *more* difficult to communicate with people because I was unable to say anything intelligent.

As for the public speaking, I would recommend getting much, much, much more prepared than you think you have to and then worse-case, you can just go on autopilot and recite what you have practiced. I used to resort to memorizing entire speeches. Of course this isn't the ideal situation but it also can't hurt to overprepare.
 

Anakin_Skywalker

New member
You remind me of myself

Hi Sable, I'm also new here, I think 90% of the things you said also hapened to me, like others have said: you're not alone :D . One of the things I hate the most of my social phobia (besides having a lot of problems getting through college) is being unable to enjoy with my friends, sometimes I'm afraid they'll think I'm rejecting them when I make up excuses for not seeing them, I'm also afraid of losing them. That's why I try to go out with them in situations where I feel relatively calmed, but sometimes I just lock myself in my room and say I have too much work to do.

I started reading a book that's helping me a lot: Painfully Shy, by Barbara Markway. I'm sure it can help you.
 

Jordan

Active member
Hi Sable!

From your description it sounds plain that you have got social-phobia. Details may vary, but many people here will surely relate. Personally I've always been a loner and learned with the age to cope with social situations pretending that it was all right (sometimes success, sometimes disaster).

As to the part about physical symptoms (crying at night etc.), they may come with anxiety disorders as well, again in different forms (such as panic attacks, nightmares and other nasties).

What I find especially intriguing in your post is the part where you describe your intrusive memories. There I can definitely relate.

So many times I've feed the illusion to leave unpleasant past events behind, and years and years later I discovered that they survived, with an intensity that other, more pleasant souvenirs have not. I may spend a long time without, but sooner or later they are back. I am not surprised that you describe this as crippling. To me, is a source of mental pain, that I hide the best I can. (If you have some time to waste you may read some old posts of mine).

And don't worry about insanity. Nobody is sane in this crazy planet, and those who think the are, are the most crazy.

Best,
Jordan
 

Sable

Well-known member
hi, I'm still here, but haven't been posting cause I've been trying to get my head together. Thanks for all your replys. I have to do my presentation tomorow, and I'm already freaking out. I know I'm not going to sleep tonight. I'm not going. The way I feel right now I'd rather fail my whole degree than do this. I don't like the course anyway. I'm not going.

I don't know what to do now. I don't feel right at all, everything's so hard. I couldn't speak in the canteen today, and there were only 3 other people in there. They put me on the spot and invited me out this Saturday, and I couldn't think of an excuse so all I could manage was a lame maybe.

I think you're right I should get some help, but i don't want to be diagnosed with anything. I know when my dad was diagnosed with depression things got really messed up. He got so bad after he was diagnosed, and no matter what people say they are still prejudiced against these things. We went to church at that time (he was an elder), and the entire church turned their backs on him. They thought he was 'backsliding' or being weak or something. To this day there are some who wont even say hello when they come face to face with him. Apart from that there are jobs he has been refused because he has been on medication and has a history of 'mental illness'.

I'm just starting out, I don't need any labels like that. It's hard enough to get a job as it is. I find it impossible to explain the huge gaps in my work history in application forms and interviews. It makes me look lazy. When I try to explain I had confidence issues at that time it makes me feel weak, and they don't believe me anyway. Besides, I can't talk to people like this face to face. I can write about my feelings fine, but it's different in front of a real person. I can't even talk to my mum like this.

((And Jordan, thankyou for your post, I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets the intrusive memory thing (sorry for you though!). This in particular I would find hard to explain to someone in person, I wouldn't know how to say it.))
 

kody

Member
I can understand your apprehension about labelling, certainly mental illness is often stigmatised and this can be a problem. But unless your willing to confront this, nothing will change.
Just because you may get diagnosed with it (again you should let someone else diagnose you) does not mean you have to tell everyone, or even anyone. You can just keep it to yourself.

I don't think its necessary to tell people at all. People will just think your shy. People don't generally care, I know we tend to worry about what everyone else thinks, but really people will accept you for what you are. Just make sure you keep a smile on your face.

As for your presentation, well this is one thing where we are not alone. Whilst we tend to have excessive symtoms than most people, the truth is most people are scared/nervous about doing presentations.
What I find with presentations is that if you give people a handout, people will just read through that instead of looking at you. Most people are nice and caring, If you get nervous, they will understand, again just because most people get nervous too.

Be strong
pm me if u need to

kody.
 

Sable

Well-known member
Well, I chickened out of my presentation. The whole way there I was seriously stressing out. When I got to the roundabout I swung the car to the right instead of going straight on. I went to my usual retreat - the PC World carpark - and hid for half an hour. I then proceeded to drive aimlessly around the countryside for another 2 hours, just following the white van in front (when it turned aside I felt lost), before coming to a stop in a carpark at the end of the road and bursting into tears. What made me feel really bad was an old man was walking his dog past the car. I looked at him and then looked away, but as I turned my head I'm sure he waved. He must have thought me a right bitch.
The whole way home I spent devising a lie to explain to my mum why I hadn't done the talk today. I said we were running out of time and the lecturer asked for volunteers who would go next week. She believed me.

My lecturer's going to be angry, I don't want to see her, I've probably failed the unit. I'm screwed.
 

Hopeless05

Member
Hey Sable,

I can relate to you 100%. I feel the exact same way. For as long as I've tried to overcome it and live my live out it has proven to be impossible to do so.

It seems like no matter what you do or how well you seem to be doing it seems to hit you at the most inopportune time. It almost gets to the point where I wonder why even try. But at the same time I'm sure there is a way to beat it and that it will one day come to me (and others who have to cope with this horrible ailment).

You seem like a strong person though. In doing as much you are doing I commend you; many of us with SA have given up completely on many aspects of our lives and are unable to even bring ourselves to try anymore. I sadly, am one of these.

I do pray that one day we will all be cured though. Until then all we can do is fight on. :)
 

Awkwardgirl

Active member
Hi Sable!

Welcome, and I know exactly how you feel.I thought I was the only one who felt like that way.and, i know what it's like to want to get drunk as soon as you can when you're in a social setting.
 
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