Sable
Well-known member
Hi, I'm new here. I think I might have some kind of social disorder, because what I'm feeling has to be more than shyness. Could someone please read this and tell me if they ever feel the same as me (sorry, I know it's a bit long).
Firstly, I'm 21, female, and in college (studying Arboriculture). I've always been shy, and getting through school was hell. But these last maybe 3 years have been getting progressively worse. I left school on my 16th brithday, the second I was old enough. I then proceeded to alienate myself from all of my friends. They used to come over to my house, and I would come up with all the excuses under the sun to stay home. After about a year they stopped coming. I went from job to job, never staying long, always finding some reason to justify getting away from each one. Eventually I became unemployed full time.
Then the 'flee' instinct (as I call it), that I had experienced in my previous jobs seemed to intensify. I would be offered jobs, but in the first few days, or the night before I was due to start, I would panic and search desperately for some way to get out of going. I mean intense whole nights of panic, filled with tears, an inability to catch my breath, sweating and shaking. I would take off in my car, switch off my phone, and stay away for whole days and nights in the middle of nowhere.
Eventually I plucked up the courage to go to college (even if it is my local college, and I still live at home), I desperately wanted to get out of the pattern I made for myself. I'm now in my second year, and have done my level best to be 'normal' around people. I even managed to get a merit in my communications class last year, which involved an oral presentation.
However, this year I really think I'm going out of my mind. I have another oral presentation coming up, but in front of a much larger class full of people I don't know. Today I had a practice presentation in front of only the lecturer, and it was a disaster. It took me nearly 5 minutes to say 'good morning'. I just couldn't say the words. I really don't think I'll be able to even pass this year. But it's not just that. Basic social interaction is almost impossible. I'm constantly nervous and extremely self-concious. I constantly feel like people are watching me and judging everything I do. I am always silent in conversation, and when I do try to say something (only because people pick up on the fact I'm saying nothing) the words just will not come, or when they do they are ill-timed and talked over, or come out in an incoherent rush. I have a constant fear of saying/doing something stupid that will come back to haunt me. And believe me, it will...
The worst, most crippling part of all of this is that I seem to have accumulated a vast (and ever increasing) store in my head of every stupid thing I have ever, ever done or said. These images come unbidden to my mind throughout the day, and they make me physically flinch. It sounds so weird, but I can't help it. Sometimes I shout at the top of my voice (if alone, obviously) to try to drown it out, or run as fast as I can to escape these stupid memories, sometimes I almsot spontaneously whack myself on the head, just so the pain will give me something else to think about, but it doesn't work. This feeling is overwhelming and constant, and I live in abject fear of doing anything else stupid to add to this store.
When I go out socially (very rarely) I almost always get very drunk (usually very quickly, and without even realising it), because I'm desperate to lose these inhibitions, but then I make a fool of myself, and so it begins over again, and I don't go out again for a long time.
Sometimes I agree to do something socially with someone in the future, but when the time comes again I panic, and ignore phone calls / come up with excuses, until they go away. I did that recently. Before the summer holidays I gave a girl at college my phone number and agreed to go out with her on my motorbike. Towards the end of the holidays she phoned me and, completely irrationally and out of nowhere, I switched off the phone and hid it under my mattress. When I eventually plucked up the courage to switch it back on I had 13 missed calls from her, and a text message asking why I was ignoring her. I HATE letting people down, and told her I was selling the bike (which wasn't strictly true at the time, but I sold it anyway almost for the sole reason that she would believe that's why I hadn't gone out).
Does anyone here ever feel even remotely like this? Or is all this just some form of insanity? Please, please advise!!!!
Firstly, I'm 21, female, and in college (studying Arboriculture). I've always been shy, and getting through school was hell. But these last maybe 3 years have been getting progressively worse. I left school on my 16th brithday, the second I was old enough. I then proceeded to alienate myself from all of my friends. They used to come over to my house, and I would come up with all the excuses under the sun to stay home. After about a year they stopped coming. I went from job to job, never staying long, always finding some reason to justify getting away from each one. Eventually I became unemployed full time.
Then the 'flee' instinct (as I call it), that I had experienced in my previous jobs seemed to intensify. I would be offered jobs, but in the first few days, or the night before I was due to start, I would panic and search desperately for some way to get out of going. I mean intense whole nights of panic, filled with tears, an inability to catch my breath, sweating and shaking. I would take off in my car, switch off my phone, and stay away for whole days and nights in the middle of nowhere.
Eventually I plucked up the courage to go to college (even if it is my local college, and I still live at home), I desperately wanted to get out of the pattern I made for myself. I'm now in my second year, and have done my level best to be 'normal' around people. I even managed to get a merit in my communications class last year, which involved an oral presentation.
However, this year I really think I'm going out of my mind. I have another oral presentation coming up, but in front of a much larger class full of people I don't know. Today I had a practice presentation in front of only the lecturer, and it was a disaster. It took me nearly 5 minutes to say 'good morning'. I just couldn't say the words. I really don't think I'll be able to even pass this year. But it's not just that. Basic social interaction is almost impossible. I'm constantly nervous and extremely self-concious. I constantly feel like people are watching me and judging everything I do. I am always silent in conversation, and when I do try to say something (only because people pick up on the fact I'm saying nothing) the words just will not come, or when they do they are ill-timed and talked over, or come out in an incoherent rush. I have a constant fear of saying/doing something stupid that will come back to haunt me. And believe me, it will...
The worst, most crippling part of all of this is that I seem to have accumulated a vast (and ever increasing) store in my head of every stupid thing I have ever, ever done or said. These images come unbidden to my mind throughout the day, and they make me physically flinch. It sounds so weird, but I can't help it. Sometimes I shout at the top of my voice (if alone, obviously) to try to drown it out, or run as fast as I can to escape these stupid memories, sometimes I almsot spontaneously whack myself on the head, just so the pain will give me something else to think about, but it doesn't work. This feeling is overwhelming and constant, and I live in abject fear of doing anything else stupid to add to this store.
When I go out socially (very rarely) I almost always get very drunk (usually very quickly, and without even realising it), because I'm desperate to lose these inhibitions, but then I make a fool of myself, and so it begins over again, and I don't go out again for a long time.
Sometimes I agree to do something socially with someone in the future, but when the time comes again I panic, and ignore phone calls / come up with excuses, until they go away. I did that recently. Before the summer holidays I gave a girl at college my phone number and agreed to go out with her on my motorbike. Towards the end of the holidays she phoned me and, completely irrationally and out of nowhere, I switched off the phone and hid it under my mattress. When I eventually plucked up the courage to switch it back on I had 13 missed calls from her, and a text message asking why I was ignoring her. I HATE letting people down, and told her I was selling the bike (which wasn't strictly true at the time, but I sold it anyway almost for the sole reason that she would believe that's why I hadn't gone out).
Does anyone here ever feel even remotely like this? Or is all this just some form of insanity? Please, please advise!!!!