i want to move out

Hi,

So I really want to move out. My parents take control over a lot of things.
I don't have my own credit card, my dad has mine. I have to ask him for money. I can't decide my own bed time, and my parents think i'm not responsible cuz i'm afraid of going to school. I'm pissed off, I hate this way of living.
I really want to move out. I feel sad because the way my parents say things to me, like ''You do nothing all day long'' , ''you can't handle school'' ''you are not mature yet, because you're not grown up'' . i know a lot of things and i can think very mature, but they don't see it.

I'm a good 18 year old girl, I never say rude stuff to my parents, I help them with house keeping, I told them so many times I can't wait when school starts after staying 3 years of home in isolation. But do I need to be punnished because i've been afraid so long? I can't help it.

oh and i always save money every month to save a little money left, so i never give away money too much!

I terribly need to move out, because this is no good, I really need to have my own space, make my own decisions and be free of this.
I love my parents, but i know this is an issue for me. so the option is : moving out.

I'm filling papers next week to get this thing done, and i will be living with house mates.

do you guys have any tips, how this all goes, and what i should buy ? and did someone here ever lived with housemates, how did it go ??
i have counselors in the house btw.. but they are not strict, their in the office all day long, only when we need them we can ask them.
my old friend lives there, so i know how this is to be living there.

Btw, i don't have to cook for myself, the coaching does, we eat together. (that's a step for me too...)

and i have a payment, so i can pay this all, and i have money left too

and i seriously hope i can decide about my credit card, and i hope my parents will give me the freedom i need. but i sure go visit them time to time.

i just had a discussion with my dad, he said ''when you still live here, i'm your boss'' that made me so frustrated i said ''i will be not living here too long anymore'' so that's spoken now.
And I think my parents sure understand my SA very much, cuz they want the best for me, a better social life, and they understand how hard it is.
But sometimes they don't understand certain moments, when I really need them. for example when i feel sad, they dont want me to be sad, because they have seen enough of that, but can i help it?!

well... i think this is enough for the topic.... pff damn hard to post

from this post alone it doesn't sound like your parents are over reacting much, they might be a little strict deciding what time you go to bed ect but it's nothing unheard of.

if you think that this will benefit you, go for it but make sure you leave on a good note with your parents so that if you can't handle living on your own yet (or something goes wrong) then you at least have somewhere to go back to.

good luck with whatever you do

Hey Saskia,

U are brave to post your deep feelings inside. Well, your parents luv u and they wanna only good for that u already know, they don't mean nothing bad with it. I know what u mean with moving out, i was frustrated too before. Because like isn't enough we feel trapped coz of "anxiety" we feel trapped cuz of someone who try hold control on u. Yah that's feeling is creepy, u feel all the time like child and like u aren't able do nothing coz they comment all the time something. No matter what they loves u and they will understand if u move out. Also i understand u wanna your own credit card, well but where do u take money if u don't work and don't have any, how u can want own credit card if u don't have any income by this im little confused. Definetly don't buy to much stuff buy only feature stuff wich u need the most, because if u will wanna do one day step back and have to much stuff will be harder move it back "for exampel" look around and u will see what is missed in the room what u really will miss there the most. Your decision is good, but will take a lot of braveness and fight, good luck SASKIA "best regards" u will be more independent and relaxed i think this may help u a lot. "Hugie"

inconspicuous name said:

from this post alone it doesn't sound like your parents are over reacting much, they might be a little strict deciding what time you go to bed ect but it's nothing unheard of.

if you think that this will benefit you, go for it but make sure you leave on a good note with your parents so that if you can't handle living on your own yet (or something goes wrong) then you at least have somewhere to go back to.

good luck with whatever you do

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thank you, i'll leave a good note on my parents. thanks for the advice.
I will totally go for it, because everyone in my invirement think this is the best way of becoming a stronger person. everyone tells me that

DespairSoul said:

Hey Saskia,

U are brave to post your deep feelings inside. Well, your parents luv u and they wanna only good for that u already know, they don't mean nothing bad with it. I know what u mean with moving out, i was frustrated too before. Because like isn't enough we feel trapped coz of "anxiety" we feel trapped cuz of someone who try hold control on u. Yah that's feeling is creepy, u feel all the time like child and like u aren't able do nothing coz they comment all the time something. No matter what they loves u and they will understand if u move out. Also i understand u wanna your own credit card, well but where do u take money if u don't work and don't have any, how u can want own credit card if u don't have any income by this im little confused. Definetly don't buy to much stuff buy only feature stuff wich u need the most, because if u will wanna do one day step back and have to much stuff will be harder move it back "for exampel" look around and u will see what is missed in the room what u really will miss there the most. Your decision is good, but will take a lot of braveness and fight, good luck SASKIA "best regards" u will be more independent and relaxed i think this may help u a lot. "Hugie"

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thanks, um, well i have a payment, which means i get money because i'm not able to work, a lot of people in the netherlands have this. because they have a handicap,disorder, or fear to go to work. But soon I'll be starting college, so i can prepare myself to have a nice job in the future. doing a nice study so i can work towards the right direction of being able to work again.
therapy is the first start, next week my therapy starts ''officially'' 4 hours per week. monday ill have 1 hour individual conversation with my therapist, and thursday group therapy with 3 other teenagers. so that's a good step, to prepare myself for school in september. I also have a social club i go to soon, in the afternoon's when i don't have therapy. 3 days per week. I will be doing activities with other teenagers and with coaches. one of the coaches gives assertivity lessons too, so i will do that too. i will have homework aswell, so i will have a lot of things to do, when next week starts and my social group.
and about living with housemates, i will totally do that, because that's much better. to stand on my feet, and become stronger and independend.
i will keep my room at home when i'm living there, because i will probably go to my place in the weekends, so i will be at home in the weekends. only mid weeks i'll be living on my own (not really on my own, but u know what i mean), so i'm working on a lot of things right now, just because i've had enough of living with sa and living in misery. I can't wait to change my life, and maybe i want to rush a little, but i think that's the best way, of achieving it faster. I will try to do as much as i can, to overcome my fears ive been dealing with for years, and sometimes i get frustrated so thats why i posted this topic. its just that i need freedom.

@Saskia

Well, i wish i could have support as u have with money tha's really very good u get something, i don't know if i would get some support propably yes but will be very low that i couldn't anyway afford flat. They give very less support for that by us. And some people have even more harder cases and state don't wanna give much money to them. U have barely for living. Social group and coaching that's amazing i think u will gona do well there, ofcourse will be hard but what wasn't. Yes i understand u are still not curred then u have some good days and some worse days, if u get frustrated u vent out, sometimes can volunteer help but im sometimes depressed too if i volunteer to much if u know what i mean. Take care frend and good luck by everything! "flowie"

You go girl!!

Hey Saskia! It's great that you are moving out!

I agree with what others said: keep good contact with your parents and look at what you already have or what is already at the appartment! Maybe you can get some stuff from relatives or Grandma that they don't use right now anymore (some retro stuff is still cool!) or in 2nd hand shops could be cheaper too..

You can ask if eating utensils are there already and if you need to bring anything. What about bed linens and towels and such? (In the dorm, we needed to bring own towels and bathroom supplies, bed linens were provided but you could also bring your own. I didn't buy anything new though, just took some from home... In one dorm/appartment some people bought some things like cleaning supplies eg detergent, mops etc and such together, we collected money every month or a few, some even bought toilet paper together, and other times everyone bought their own, but if your roomate already had a mop you didn't need it. So you can ask about this.)

If you are even a little bit bipolar-ish or have 'mood swings', you DON'T want a credit card! Trust me! Stay away from them!! (Where I live, you need a certain amount of income for that anyway!) What did you want a credit card for? Online shopping and PayPal?

What you might like is a *debit card* (like eg Visa Electron) or something like that. You can do online shopping (Amazon, PayPal etc) but you are 'safer'!! With a *debit card* you can't go 'below zero' you can only spend the amount on your card (and you can make sure to only have a small amount of money on your card, just for online shopping or such) with a credit card, you can get 20.000$ in debt, even if you don't have it on the card!! (either from own spending or if your card gets hacked online or in a shop or at a bank 'get cash' terminal. There were cases where some shops got 'hacked' in our country and people's card numbers got stolen, so do be careful with debit card too, I use it much less than I used to in the past!! Only when really necessary.. And take precautions when online or on bank automats etc.) Some people just use cash.

About going to sleep - I hear you.. I'm a 'night owl' and my parents want me to be a 'morning bird' too... They've gotten used to it, a bit.. I told them I have peace in the evening (there was lots of noise because of home renovation last year). But I agree that I would like to go to bed earlier. 'Delayed sleep phase' or insomnia can be bad, and you don't want those either...

It's easier to go to sleep more early if you're not on computer so much, and it was easier for me in the dorm, if my roommate went to bed, I usually went to bed too. I had really nice roommates mostly, and I'm really happy I got to know them! So I'm wishing you really lovely roommates and flatmates too!

Try to save as much money as you can (not just 'a little') and even make some money - do you have some songs on ITunes etc?
How long can you live in the supported facility? Check how much living on your own would cost outside of supported facility, so you have some idea of 'realistic' costs later on... (Trust me, you don't wanna move back in with your parents after you've lived on your own for a while, so do as much as you can to prevent it!)

It can be very frustrating to live with parents (again) when you're a grownup. I think the best you can do is to show them you can live well on your own. Get a support group of friends and therapists, and if you're sad or frustrated talk to us or people in the group/therapists.. or write a song!
Remember the list too! I hope you made it? It was very helpful for me to know where I can go if I got frustrated with the student dorm etc. And some public libraries etc are really nice..
Hope you will manage to learn martial arts too!

Go for it Saskia. Good luck. MY best growth period was the short time I moved out. I got a job, was in school - it was awesome. (Looking back).

When I lost my job, I moved back home because dont get payment for not working here... and just fell back into bad cycle of SA and stuff. Yes, home is cheap/free, etc. lots of perks but NOT good for SA. The worst place imo for SA. So much easier to not expose self to situations and avoid.

You definitely will grow as a person and become more independent, but interdependent too - meaning, social network rises and fears will start shedding with the people you meet/live with. SLOWLY... obviously - simply moving out isn't a cure for SA but it's one of the best starts. And scariest too...

Living at home is stifling. TOO cushy at times, too comfortable and too frustrating at others. Now if you have sucky roomates moving out that's another thing lol. I really want to move out again I think it forces you to make more consistent progress in battling the SA.

Hi Saskia.

I want to move out as well but it's not looking like a realistic possibility, at least for the next 2-3 years. I've never had a job and I'm 20 in a month. I also haven't been to school for 2 years and it's really made me complacent with life. I've gotten far too comfortable just sitting at home doing nothing. I need to expose myself to the world but it just seems so terrifying sometimes.

DespairSoul said:

@Saskia

Well, i wish i could have support as u have with money tha's really very good u get something, i don't know if i would get some support propably yes but will be very low that i couldn't anyway afford flat. They give very less support for that by us. And some people have even more harder cases and state don't wanna give much money to them. U have barely for living. Social group and coaching that's amazing i think u will gona do well there, ofcourse will be hard but what wasn't. Yes i understand u are still not curred then u have some good days and some worse days, if u get frustrated u vent out, sometimes can volunteer help but im sometimes depressed too if i volunteer to much if u know what i mean. Take care frend and good luck by everything! "flowie"

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hehe flowie , funny i don't know if they have a payment in your country, but you can search around in google and maybe you can find it.
but mostly u won't get it until u turned 18. (i'm sorry i don't know ur age:$, i guess ur about my age.)
yeah, i could volunteer help in the future possibly, but now it's not realistic. because i'm still dealing with very severe sa which doesn't help me get far. I hope my therapists can help me to become a whole different person with a whole different lifestyle and vision. it goes up and down, worse days yep. good days, too. like feathers say, i have a lot of mood swings, but it doesnt mean i cannot take care of my own self, but it's just that i feel different every moment in day. i prefer to swing on disco songs then having mood swings lollol

Social_Monstrosity said:

Hi Saskia.

I want to move out as well but it's not looking like a realistic possibility, at least for the next 2-3 years. I've never had a job and I'm 20 in a month. I also haven't been to school for 2 years and it's really made me complacent with life. I've gotten far too comfortable just sitting at home doing nothing. I need to expose myself to the world but it just seems so terrifying sometimes.

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I totally feel ya, cuz i'm in the same situation. I've never had a job too, but i'm lucky to have a payment. but still.. its not fun to live this way.
I'm anxious too, around people like SO MUCH. I don't see myself getting anywhere far. because of my uncertain feelings about my own life.
I feel destined to be like this, and it makes me feel sad it's such a shame that i've been isolated for such a long time.
but now i wanna get out of this isolated hole, digging to get out, and try to see the beautiful world outside what makes me feel worth it.