If my SA is worst with girls, does that mean i'm not good at talking to them?

Moses199

Well-known member
I'm a Male and my SA is much worst around girls. when i'm talking to guys i can be outgoing and fun but not with girls. I'm not a shy person, it's just that my SA causes this shy personality when girls are around.

I noticed normal people who don't have SA tend to have more friends of one gender group than the other. For example, my sister is a female but she talks more with guys than girls like her. Vice versa i know some guys who have more female friends than guy friends. So this makes me think even if i were to become normal like them and COMPLETLY cure my SA i would still not be good at talking to girls. Do you guys think this theory is true?
 
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worrywort

Well-known member
Interesting theory. Could be true. I think it's complicated. Social anxiety differs from person to person. I think if you completely cured your SA, then your ability to talk to girls would most likely improve at the very least. I doubt it's totally separate. But it could be. I guess you'd need to try to find the root cause of your difficulty speaking to girls in particular. Why do you think you have trouble? Is it only girls you find attractive, or do you struggle to talk to all girls? Or is it just with girls your age, or girls you like? Are there any girls that you don't struggle to talk with? If so, why do you think that is? And what is it that you fear exactly? That they'll judge you negatively, or humiliate you in some way? Or is it the fear of rejection perhaps?
 

Louco

Well-known member
You could certainly get better at that, especially getting cured from SA.

I find useful to organize my thoughts and identify my fears in situations like those. I don't have problem talking with girls, but I fear like death itself job applications.

This is what I do. From the start, why do I feel anxious when just looking for a job? Hmm... It seems I don't feel like I can ever be a normal person living a normal life, that feeling drains all my confidence and bring the fear of another painful try ending in fail, something I have a hard time dealing with. When I found a job, why do I get so nervous when talking to my potential new employer and with the process of getting hired? Let's see... I feel like the most important asset is experience, something that I don't have, I fear my first impression by itself can make me lose the opportunity, when they notice my ever trembling hands and other signs that I'm not feeling very confortable, especially since I'm not a teenager anymore. I also have this fear of actually getting the job, and the effort required for going on with it to be more than I can handle.

Looking the problems in the eyes like this actually brings me down for a moment, but trying not to think about it is not helping. So I'm fighting this multiheaded beast this time.

I do it breaking each one of these situations from the whole and dealing with them separately.

I don't feel normal? Well, there's no standard for "normalcy" out there, and even if there were, I can only be myself and nothing else. If anyone insult, harm or reject me in any way it also don't necessarily mean it's because of me, said person or group could be the one being anti-social, and I know how to defend myself. However, most people are nice and usually just minding their own business.

The fear of failing. This one don't seem like I can get rid of, so I try to make it more rational. Yes, I can make a huge effort for getting nothing as result, but what else there is to do? Not making said effort is still getting me nothing, I'm suffering doing nothing anyway. Also, it doesn't matter if I don't get the job, each time I go through with this I'm stronger. Disappointed for not getting the main goal, but also more familiar with each situation, more in control of myself, more aware of what is going on, more able to keep my mind clear and calm.

And so on. However, it's important to say this would be all for nothing if I were not treating the SA, it can just overwhelm you no matter how much you try to be rational and confident.

These are some of the questions I would try to figure out if I had trouble talking to girls: What exactly I feel in those situations? What would I be speaking with them if I could? What would I like to talk with them? Do I care about having more girl friends or I actually want a girlfriend? Am I not the one thinking bad stuff about them, considering all women to only care about handsome and popular guys and despising the rest?

Without SA, you will get naturally better at talking with everyone, including girls. You will also feel more confident and willing to seek their company more and make a direct effort for getting more outgoing around them.

You will find making female friends is easy. Women love to talk about themselves, they love compliments and they love attention. However this will get you friendzoned at the speed of light, if you actually want a relationship things are a little diferent...

But anyway, don't forget each girl is an individual, with personal likes and dislikes. There are girls out there who like shy and reserved guys too, it's all about finding the kind of company you like and kinda... tolerating the rest.
 

Moses199

Well-known member
Interesting theory. Could be true. I think it's complicated. Social anxiety differs from person to person. I think if you completely cured your SA, then your ability to talk to girls would most likely improve at the very least. I doubt it's totally separate. But it could be.
what do you mean by "seperate"?
Yes if it would be cured of course i would talk to girls easier. But again, there are normal men who don't have SA but still talk more with guys then female. So i would probably be like them. That's why i'm asking what's the cause of people talking more with certain gender?
 

Moses199

Well-known member
You could certainly get better at that, especially getting cured from SA.

I find useful to organize my thoughts and identify my fears in situations like those. I don't have problem talking with girls, but I fear like death itself job applications.

This is what I do. From the start, why do I feel anxious when just looking for a job? Hmm... It seems I don't feel like I can ever be a normal person living a normal life, that feeling drains all my confidence and bring the fear of another painful try ending in fail, something I have a hard time dealing with. When I found a job, why do I get so nervous when talking to my potential new employer and with the process of getting hired? Let's see... I feel like the most important asset is experience, something that I don't have, I fear my first impression by itself can make me lose the opportunity, when they notice my ever trembling hands and other signs that I'm not feeling very confortable, especially since I'm not a teenager anymore. I also have this fear of actually getting the job, and the effort required for going on with it to be more than I can handle.

Looking the problems in the eyes like this actually brings me down for a moment, but trying not to think about it is not helping. So I'm fighting this multiheaded beast this time.

I do it breaking each one of these situations from the whole and dealing with them separately.

I don't feel normal? Well, there's no standard for "normalcy" out there, and even if there were, I can only be myself and nothing else. If anyone insult, harm or reject me in any way it also don't necessarily mean it's because of me, said person or group could be the one being anti-social, and I know how to defend myself. However, most people are nice and usually just minding their own business.

The fear of failing. This one don't seem like I can get rid of, so I try to make it more rational. Yes, I can make a huge effort for getting nothing as result, but what else there is to do? Not making said effort is still getting me nothing, I'm suffering doing nothing anyway. Also, it doesn't matter if I don't get the job, each time I go through with this I'm stronger. Disappointed for not getting the main goal, but also more familiar with each situation, more in control of myself, more aware of what is going on, more able to keep my mind clear and calm.

And so on. However, it's important to say this would be all for nothing if I were not treating the SA, it can just overwhelm you no matter how much you try to be rational and confident.

These are some of the questions I would try to figure out if I had trouble talking to girls: What exactly I feel in those situations? What would I be speaking with them if I could? What would I like to talk with them? Do I care about having more girl friends or I actually want a girlfriend? Am I not the one thinking bad stuff about them, considering all women to only care about handsome and popular guys and despising the rest?

Without SA, you will get naturally better at talking with everyone, including girls. You will also feel more confident and willing to seek their company more and make a direct effort for getting more outgoing around them.

You will find making female friends is easy. Women love to talk about themselves, they love compliments and they love attention. However this will get you friendzoned at the speed of light, if you actually want a relationship things are a little diferent...

But anyway, don't forget each girl is an individual, with personal likes and dislikes. There are girls out there who like shy and reserved guys too, it's all about finding the kind of company you like and kinda... tolerating the rest.
Like you said you don't have much anxiety talking to girls. Which gender you talk with more? and why do you talk more with that gender? I know everyone is different.
 

Megaten

Well-known member
I dunno I think you'd be just fine if you actually nailed down SA. Especially if you were talking to a woman you didnt feel like you needed to impress.
 

worrywort

Well-known member
what do you mean by "seperate"?
Yes if it would be cured of course i would talk to girls easier. But again, there are normal men who don't have SA but still talk more with guys then female. So i would probably be like them. That's why i'm asking what's the cause of people talking more with certain gender?

I'm not sure how to answer your question, sorry. Like I said, I think it's complicated and differs from person to person. Personally I prefer the company of females to males [I'm a guy], but for some it's the other way around and for others it's 50/50. What's the cause of this? I'm not sure, but for me I've always felt I can open up and be more emotional around women which is something I like to do. I rarely have deep relationships with other males. But I'm not sure that will help you much. You'd have to ask yourself that question. Why do you think you feel anxiety around girls?
 

Louco

Well-known member
Like you said you don't have much anxiety talking to girls. Which gender you talk with more? and why do you talk more with that gender? I know everyone is different.

It's kinda hard to tell, I don't think I talk significantly more with one gender than the other.

Maybe I talk more with men, since I have more stuff in common with other guys, but I think girls are more receptive and easygoing...
 

FriendlyShadow

Well-known member
I can relate somewhat, but I think my SA is more worse around certain types of people, children/babies, both sex genders, even people are who look like they are super models (but this one is more of a pereference because I usually am not interested in these kinds of people) I think my SA is slightly worse around guys to tell you the honest truth, I'm not much of a great conversationalist and maybe am not the best role model for people to look up to. With girls, well most of the girls I've encountered so far were more friendly, but there are other girls that have been bossy, rude, and vicious towards me as well. I guess I'm not good at keeping people very long because I'm usually the cause that drives them away. I still haven't really met a person who came as close as to being similar to me, let alone just simply treating me like a human being. Why is that hard to ask for? :/ As I said probably a thousand times before, I'm not the flirty type nor am I out to try and comepte against others either. I know in the past I actually used to think those things did matter, but I'm 19 years old now. I've done a lot of growing up over the years. I can safely say, maybe, one day I will find the hope I tried searching for, but it's going to take a very long time.
 

Moses199

Well-known member
I honestly think for the guys with SA who can talk easier with girls are lucky because getting relationships would be easier. Any one know any disadvantages though?
 

Louco

Well-known member
I honestly think for the guys with SA who can talk easier with girls are lucky because getting relationships would be easier. Any one know any disadvantages though?

Behaving like an idiot and destroying any hope of having a relationship with girls you are interested in without even noticing is one of them.

Also, women are usually neutral or curious about reserved guys, and it's easier to fix an undesired first impression because they are aware they don't know you very well.

Having social phobia but also a more outgoing personality is horribly awkward. Try to explain to someone with who you were hanging out just yesterday, talking a lot and laughing and making jokes, the reason why you are quiet all of a sudden today, having to make a big effort just to greet them.
 

R3K

Well-known member
usually men who talk to girls more than with other men are very competitive in nature, and want to out-do their male peers at womanizing. so if you cure your SA, then you have to look at how competitive you are. or maybe you're the kind of guy who plays hard to get or relies on swagger to invite girls to open up to you first.
 

Moses199

Well-known member
usually men who talk to girls more than with other men are very competitive in nature, and want to out-do their male peers at womanizing. so if you cure your SA, then you have to look at how competitive you are. or maybe you're the kind of guy who plays hard to get or relies on swagger to invite girls to open up to you first.

I don't mean womanizer i'm talking about regular guys who don't even get in relationship with girls. They just have more friends with the female gender. So i'm curious is it because they are better with talking to the female gender.

I think MALE SA'ers who have more female friends than males friends, can get in intimate relationship easier. But i have this theory they get "friend-zoned" more because they have more fear of being intimate/sexual than guys who have more male friends. Anyone else think this?
 
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