I'm afraid

I am a 25 (26 this year) virgin female.
I have never been in a relationship and always push men away when they show me any interest. I have kissed men, but that's as far as I ever take it.

I have been told by people (even family) that I am guarded.

I have recently started dating a guy. I like him, but my instinct once again is to push him away. I feel scared of him getting close to me.

I'm also worried about having sex with him if we do become a proper couple. I don't know if I should tell him I'm a virgin and I'm afraid that it will hurt or he won't be able to enter me.

I want to keep seeing him, but I don't want to continue to feel afraid. I was so lonely before I met him, and felt like I wanted to be with someone.
Now I'm having doubts.

I feel like I don't know what I want. I don't know if I can trust my own feelings. I also have no idea why I feel this way.

Does anyone have any advice?

The first bit of advice is to take it slow, think about what you're doing. As a guy I know that our instinct is to rush into things. If he respects you he will also slow down, and not pressure you into anything. You should always feel free to tell him "no".

The second is always give yourself alone time just to think about the relationship and how it's going, maybe keep a diary?

The third thing is to know that there will be a right time to lose your virginity, and it can only be decided by your own timetable, not his.

The fourth thing is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being guarded, infact it best to be that then too open, I think.

I find other people terrifying! But a lot of them arent that scary when you relax and stop analysing all the things that could go wrong
Just take it slow

Scooter said:

when you relax and stop analysing all the things that could go wrong

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I agree, but that's easier said then done! I'm pretty bad at that, unfortunately.

You just got to remember that you do have to have sex some time in your life! There wont be any right moment and if this guy is dateing you then you need to respect him becoz he is willing to understand you. Just take it slow with the sex part, if you give to much of it to quickly there is this thing of guys getting bored of it!

As for intercourse usually mens penis is not bigger than a large banana, so if your fine with banana then i am sure you will be ok. If not then see a doctor.

You need to figure out why you push people away in the first place. Is it due to symptoms of SA? Why do people think your guarded? Helping yourself first or accepting certain things are important to be able to move forward.

Also honesty and good communication is key to have healthy relationships. So yes you should tell him you're a virgin. You need to clear the air and if he does not accept you then he probably is not worth it.

k123dave said:

The fourth thing is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being guarded, infact it best to be that then too open, I think.

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You should not be too guarded with friends and family, be more open.

apollo said:

You should not be too guarded with friends and family, be more open.

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I can understand you point, but what I meant (and I apologise if it came out wrong) was that it is best to have some guard rather then being fully open; a level of guardedness, if you will. I believe this because I never like to show (too much) vulnerability, and I have been hurt when I have. ::

k123dave said:

I can understand you point, but what I meant (and I apologise if it came out wrong) was that it is best to have some guard rather then being fully open; a level of guardedness, if you will. I believe this because I never like to show (too much) vulnerability, and I have been hurt when I have. ::

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Yeah I probrably took it out of context. Sometimes opening up to people is complicit to our own demise. Striking a good balance is important especially for people like us

apollo said:

Yeah I probrably took it out of context. Sometimes opening up to people is complicit to our own demise. Striking a good balance is important especially for people like us

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It's ok, it's not your fault. I didn't write my point too well, and I do see that in retrospect, and I apologise for it
I do believe that a good balance of these two things is very important and a key to having healthy relationships with people, if not extremely difficult.

are you garded because you don't want anyone to know what you think or feel? I avoided many relationships because I was terrified to divulge that I knew I was crazy and depressed and had low self-esteem. I always thought "who in their right mind would want to be with someone who is so paranoid?". but I had no clue then what SA was and didn't know that there were other people out there having the exact same thoughts and feelings.

you have to take the chance of letting this guy know who you are and educating him if possible. if he accepts you and seems willing to understand the SA then you should think about sex. but if you just have sex without knowing each other then you are asking for drama and trauma.