IM anxiety

This always happens to me. I'll want to start a conversation with someone, but I'll get too nervous and I'll put it off and put it off until I chicken out altogether. I'll sit here meaning to send someone a message, but I won't know what to say. I usually won't have anything in particular I want to discuss. I just want to chat. So I'll beat around the bush for a while, thinking about things I could talk about. I'll debate whether to start off with hello/hi/hai/yo/howdy/hey/etc. And then I'll just end up getting too nervous about the whole thing so I'll wait and wait and it just gets worse. Sometimes I'll be ready to click somebody's name and I'll pause for a moment and I can't do it. Often I'll just decide not to bother after a while. I'll talk to them another day. But the same thing will happen. Eventually I'll just go for it but that's only after a lot of agony and failed attempts. Then sometimes things go alright and I'll manage to have a decent conversation for a while. But then sometimes they don't. Sometimes the conversation is brief and quickly turns to awkward silence. I hate the awkward silence. Then I'll wonder why I bothered saying anything at all. Sometimes things just come to a dead end. If I'm the last one to say something and I haven't gotten a response after a few minutes I don't know whether to say something else. Did they not get the message yet? Did they read it but just not bother responding? So then I don't know if I should try and add to what I've said. Or maybe all is said and done with that and I should try and change the subject. Sometimes I'm on the other end of the situation and the other person sent the last message and I just don't know what to say next. I might really have to think about how to respond. Sometimes I'm not sure if that seems to be all that needed to be said about a topic. I don't know if I should try and think about something more to say on the subject or if I should try and think of something else to talk about. But if I think too hard it just comes out forced. I end up saying something stupid and the conversation falls flat right there. Or I'll wait long enough thinking about what to say that I'll decide not to say anything so it doesn't come out all wrong. Then I'm stuck wondering what the other person is thinking. Are they bored talking to me? Do they find it just as awkward? Are they not sure what to say either? Or maybe it's no big deal. Maybe the conversation seems to be over with and that's that. But later on I'll wonder whether to say goodbye when I log off. If there's been a long pause, even after a good long conversation, then I don't usually bother, although it depends somewhat on who I'm talking to. I have had people come back and say they're going after maybe an hour or so of not talking. I dunno. I just always worry about what I'm saying or doing and what's normal and how others perceive things. Similar issues, anyone?

^ Yep, find the chat room hard to use; a lot of us here will process or over process our thoughts before releasing them. Found it hard to post anything at first, I seem to be getting better with practice, so just go for it. As Coyote says, no one here judges so its a safe place to try.
< finishing with a smiley face helps

phocas said:

^ Yep, find the chat room hard to use; a lot of us here will process or over process our thoughts before releasing them. Found it hard to post anything at first, I seem to be getting better with practice, so just go for it. As Coyote says, no one here judges so its a safe place to try.
< finishing with a smiley face helps

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Thanks...Except I don't just mean here, in fact more so elsewhere. I mean on MSN, people I've met at other websites, or just chatting online in general. It can still be an issue with people I get along with well.::

Yep, I kinda have the same issue. I've blocked friends on MSN in the past because of it
(

I think we SAers have this perfectionist attitude. It's best not to blame yourself if they don't reply back to you or if awkward silence happens. I think you should just go for it and message away. I think it's safe to say that the chances of them making fun of what you say is very slim because they are you MSN friends (friends who would most likely respect you and respect what your going to say). If by small chance they do make fun of the things you say, don't go blaming yourself. It's not your fault. It would be there fault because they would be the one that is rude and disrespectful and who are poor communicators. You should give yourself props for having the guts to message them in the first place. Also, don't go blaming yourself for awkward silences because it takes two to tango and maybe it's the other person who's not really contributing to the conversation. I guess us SAers are more prone to have these automatic negative thoughts that pop up in our head (thinking that you are boring, etc). It's best not to immediately assume that you are boring the other person. Maybe the awkward silence isn't such a big deal and maybe the other person is just multitasking (chatting with maybe 10 other MSN people, and watching youtube, and playing a game all at the same time, etc)

It's also nice to be laid back and joke around so things aren't so tense and mostly talk about things that you have in common so you build that rapport.

If you are concerned with awkward silences I think it would be really helpful to write down a long list of conversation topics that you enjoy talking about and can always refer to whenever you run out of things to talk about

I'm sure there's tons more in google but here are some cool sites that can help for convo topics:

How to Come Up with Good Conversation Topics - wikiHow

Conversation Topics

sevenroses said:

I think we SAers have this perfectionist attitude. It's best not to blame yourself if they don't reply back to you or if awkward silence happens. I think you should just go for it and message away. I think it's safe to say that the chances of them making fun of what you say is very slim because they are you MSN friends (friends who would most likely respect you and respect what your going to say). If by small chance they do make fun of the things you say, don't go blaming yourself. It's not your fault. It would be there fault because they would be the one that is rude and disrespectful and who are poor communicators. You should give yourself props for having the guts to message them in the first place. Also, don't go blaming yourself for awkward silences because it takes two to tango and maybe it's the other person who's not really contributing to the conversation. I guess us SAers are more prone to have these automatic negative thoughts that pop up in our head (thinking that you are boring, etc). It's best not to immediately assume that you are boring the other person. Maybe the awkward silence isn't such a big deal and maybe the other person is just multitasking (chatting with maybe 10 other MSN people, and watching youtube, and playing a game all at the same time, etc)

It's also nice to be laid back and joke around so things aren't so tense and mostly talk about things that you have in common so you build that rapport.

If you are concerned with awkward silences I think it would be really helpful to write down a long list of conversation topics that you enjoy talking about and can always refer to whenever you run out of things to talk about

I'm sure there's tons more in google but here are some cool sites that can help for convo topics:

How to Come Up with Good Conversation Topics - wikiHow

Conversation Topics

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I'm not worried about being made fun of for a lame conversation. I've never really had that happen. I just feel like an idiot if I start a conversation and it goes nowhere. I don't want to start a conversation in hopes that the other person will be able to keep it going. And sometimes, having things to talk about isn't the issue. It's bringing them up. The transitions are awkward. Often I'll have something I want to ask or talk about, but I can't figure out how to smoothly go from one topic to another. That's even worse in a verbal conversation. At least online you can sort of wait for a lull. Even then, it can still be awkward. I don't want to change the subject if it seems they may have more to say. And if they likely don't, it's still hard to know exactly how to change the topic. Oh, and I've read numerous wikihows on conversation, lol. Apparently they haven't helped me too much.

Ah transitions, I think you can go smoothly from one topic to another by simply starting off with the word "so" then change the topic right there (like "so...what do you think about this" or "so...what do you think about that" etc.) But make it sound natural and upbeat I guess using the word "so" for transitioning isn't even a must. You could just flat out change topics whenever you feel like doing so. It could be possible that you already have excellent conversations skills but it could just be that you might be putting too much pressure on yourself in finding the perfect transitions thinking that the way you transition yourself from topic to topic isn't smooth enough. If it helps you feel better, I just want to say that my own personal experience with MSN is pretty slack with many convos consisting of people replying like 2-5 minutes after each line you type, so I personally don't care too much of being too proper in the way I converse. That's just from my own MSN experience though. If you have something you want to ask or talk about, it's best to just flat out say it because you already know that no one will make fun of you. I think the main problem is thinking that everything is awkward and just putting too much pressure on yourself (just like me and all SAers). I've chatted with you before a while back and I can honestly say that I can't find any flaws with the way you communicate (whether it's using transitions or thinking of what to say, etc). So hopefully you'll know that you have nothing to really worry about.

Sorry about hearing your bad experience in using wikihows in helping your conversations skills :: Sometimes I just rely on myself and think of my own conversation topics by finding what a certain person is interested in and composing my own list of possible conversation topics I can bring up

phocas said:

finishing with a smiley face helps

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and or a rant
...........

I rarely chat with people... here or elsewhere. I never have the courage to send a message to anyone, I wait for them to message me- which practically never happens. I wouldn't know how to respond anyway. Plus, the mini-messenger here almost never works where I log on (the library) anyway, so if you try to send me a message, I won't get it.

awkwardamanda said:

I can't figure out how to smoothly go from one topic to another.

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If the subjects are seemingly unrelated and you don't know how to transition .. something I use is something like, "Okay, I have no idea what made me think of this but .." Or maybe, "This is really random but, have you ever .." I think your concern is not wanting to have them thinking, "Ummm, where did THAT come from? We weren't talking about anything remotely like that!" right? But yeah, you can even just do the classic, "So .. " and start in that way.

And yes, I get this way sometimes but for me, it's more stuff like, going for a job interview or something. I'll get myself all pumped and ready and then when I get there .. yeah I just, drive on by and get a burger instead. Lol! Then I get home and do this: :kickingmyself: Lol!

Another thing about online chat especially that makes it different is what you said about how long between messages. Everyone has their own style with this and it sometimes takes a while to pick up on it. Some people are doing 1,000 things at once and then come back and talk in the chat a ton, drop like 20 lines of text and then off again for 10 minutes. Other's are just sitting there, treating it like a one on one conversation and reply right away (that's me. :. Others type and delete a hundred times before posting, "Yes." ) So everyone is different. Once you understand the style of the other person, then it's easier to see what's going on .. if a long time passes, it could just be that he/she went to the bathroom, for example. )

Once you understand the style of the other person, then it's easier to see what's going on .. if a long time passes, it could just be that he/she went to the bathroom, for example. )

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When I have to go to the bathroom or be gone for long periods, I inform the other person so that they won't get the impresison that I'm ignoring them.

When I start IM with another person, I like to keep it short (maybe 10-20 min max) because anything beyond that, I run out of things to say. Also, the longer the chat, the more boring it becomes.

I see the basics as typing a phone conversation turn-by turn

rather than sending a Dear John letter in the post

or email or posting on a forum

What can go wrong?
The worst scenario is if you submit a message before or after the other does - out-of-time. Nothing to worry about. Just read and type.

All a good way to express yourself. Overtype or wait infinitely

mikebird said:

All a good way to express yourself. Overtype or wait infinitely

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Is that anything like the state of total confusion that I normally get stuck in?



Ideas of topics or interests to chat about usually hit me after the convo is over. And when the next one begins, my mind becomes a black hole from which no interesting thought can escape.

I have this problem, but only when I recently start talking with someone. It goes away later when I get to know them.

What you stated is universal. We've all experienced it from time to time....Communication is NATURALLY full of awkward pauses and transitions. Instant Messaging or even emailing is the same but with more of a twist. It's easy for one side to quite talking prematurely (i.e my Hot Pocket is ready, I'm going to bed....etc).
Try not to obsess. Just the nature of the beast!

I have the same problem. I thought it would be easier to chat online (in various programs) but some how the others seem to pick up on my personality, and eventually, they become disinterested, bored or whatever.
The same thing happens in RL.

When being left hanging in chat...for whatever reason, I feel rejected.

tizzy said:

I have the same problem. I thought it would be easier to chat online (in various programs) but some how the others seem to pick up on my personality, and eventually, they become disinterested, bored or whatever.
The same thing happens in RL.

When being left hanging in chat...for whatever reason, I feel rejected.

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I think the problem is for those of us with SA is that we sometimes try to substitute online interactions for a real face to face discussion. Which is tough when you're feeling lonely and down and crave human contact but the two are just not the same.

A person online has a ton of other distractions i.e phone ringing, food, tv etc. The online discussion doesn't seem as real, it's easy to turn "off", like the TV. We're basically conditioned with all the different social media to behave like this....it becomes nothing more than entertainment. Try not to take it personal, it has very little to do with you and everything to do with the medium.

ImNotMyIllness said:

I think the problem is for those of us with SA is that we sometimes try to substitute online interactions for a real face to face discussion. Which is tough when you're feeling lonely and down and crave human contact but the two are just not the same.

A person online has a ton of other distractions i.e phone ringing, food, tv etc. The online discussion doesn't seem as real, it's easy to turn "off", like the TV. We're basically conditioned with all the different social media to behave like this....it becomes nothing more than entertainment. Try not to take it personal, it has very little to do with you and everything to do with the medium.

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Thank you, INMI