I just got a job which is BADLY needed in my home but I am about to quit because I have to do a lot of social interacting and speaking.
I need this job because:
My dad has not worked for 5 months. He has diabetes and has suffered from some debilitating complications. He has filed for disability but it is taking a long time. He has no job, no paycheck and the hopes of him getting a job in the future is not likely.
My mother works part time in the food service section of our local school district but today was her last day. She is going to start looking for a job but she does not have a college degree so its hard for her to find a good job, especially just for the summer.
My brother does not have a job. He is lazy and has not even really tried to find one, even during these hard times.
My sister is overweight (over 200lbs), shy and has no initiative. When she does try to get a job, she is usually overlooked because of her weight and low self-esteem. She does not have a job and is not even trying. I cant do anything to push her. When she does try, she fails.
*I* just got a job last week. I managed to tremble my way into and out of the interview. I passed all the exams. Thats probably what got me hired. I got a perfect score. Whatever. I got the job and was told I was to do 8 weeks of training. I thought, fine. I went to training and realized that training looked a lot like school. Specifically like speech and drama class. We have to speak in front of the class EVERYDAY and do at least one skit a day. All this in order to learn how to speak better and handle customers properly.
I almost died the first day of shock. Every minute I am at work I think about quitting. But I cannot. Every day after work my mom greets me with a smile. She seems so relieved now that I have a job and that we are not going completely broke. I once mentioned that I hated the job and she reminded me of a time when she worked 2 low paying jobs back to back and slept 3-5 hours a day. She did this for 2 years until her back and knees got so bad that she had to stop. I feel so guilty about this because at the time I did not realize what working was, especially not what working two jobs was. I feel I wasnt there for her and she suffered.
I completed my 5th day of work (ie training today). As of yet, I have not quit because I love my mom too much to do that for her. But sometimes I think I'd rather die than go back to work. I dont kill myself because, again, I dont want to hurt my mother. But sometimes I just really think that quitting and going home to tell my mother I gave up this perfectly good job that she could never get because she isnt young and she doesnt have a college degree would be WORSE than killing myself. I could never tell her why I'd quit. I'd make up some stupid excuse and she'd go to sleep thinking that her kids do not care about her and do not love her enough to get a job. She'd think about how everything depends on her and how she has no way of getting money. She'd worry and worry and worry. And she'd probably cry too.
I cant stand the thought of my mother thinking that it doesnt hurt me every time she goes to work a long horrible job that she hates and that pays nothing. I cant stand the thought of my mother thinking I dont care about her. I'd rather have her suffer over my death than suffer the rest of her life in secret over her useless, uncaring daughter.
I cant decide what to do. Quit. Die. I had this wild thought two days ago while at work. I thought about calling in a bomb threat. Thats right. I thought, just go to a public phone, call in a bomb threat and go to work like nothing happened. Then wait for the cops or whatever. Later that day I'd go home and tell my mom about the bomb threat. I would pretend I was scared and quit my job. I wouldn't have to die and I wouldnt have to keep this job and go through hell every second of every day. ....But I can't do this because I know how seriously 'threatening bombs' even false threats are being taken now a days. I'd get caught, go to jail and ruin my life. At my setencing I probably wouldnt even be able to defend myself. "Why'd you do it?" they'd ask me. And I'd be shaking, too nervous to utter a single word. They'd think I was crazy, nuts and all the while I'd be thinking "Give me the lethal injection, send me to jail, do anything but please dont make me speak because that would worse than anything other fate you can offer me".
God, I hate this condition. I hate myself for hating myself so much (if that makes sense). I cant stand living with SA. Its like the craziest condition in the world. I wish I could just be normal. I really think I have all this potential to do good stuff and its just going to waste.
I've been at work for 5 days and I'm at the top of my class, without trying too hard and with all my panic attacks and all my 'acting'. I do better than everyone with this stupid condition and I just think, "God, I could do SO much better if I was normal. If I wasnt nervous all the time". I could do great, wonderful things.... Instead I can hardly go out, hardly keep a job, hardly feel like I want to live.