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Old 05-28-2005  
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Default I'm getting suicidal. I want to quit my new job too....

I just got a job which is BADLY needed in my home but I am about to quit because I have to do a lot of social interacting and speaking.


I need this job because:

My dad has not worked for 5 months. He has diabetes and has suffered from some debilitating complications. He has filed for disability but it is taking a long time. He has no job, no paycheck and the hopes of him getting a job in the future is not likely.

My mother works part time in the food service section of our local school district but today was her last day. She is going to start looking for a job but she does not have a college degree so its hard for her to find a good job, especially just for the summer.

My brother does not have a job. He is lazy and has not even really tried to find one, even during these hard times.

My sister is overweight (over 200lbs), shy and has no initiative. When she does try to get a job, she is usually overlooked because of her weight and low self-esteem. She does not have a job and is not even trying. I cant do anything to push her. When she does try, she fails.


*I* just got a job last week. I managed to tremble my way into and out of the interview. I passed all the exams. Thats probably what got me hired. I got a perfect score. Whatever. I got the job and was told I was to do 8 weeks of training. I thought, fine. I went to training and realized that training looked a lot like school. Specifically like speech and drama class. We have to speak in front of the class EVERYDAY and do at least one skit a day. All this in order to learn how to speak better and handle customers properly.

I almost died the first day of shock. Every minute I am at work I think about quitting. But I cannot. Every day after work my mom greets me with a smile. She seems so relieved now that I have a job and that we are not going completely broke. I once mentioned that I hated the job and she reminded me of a time when she worked 2 low paying jobs back to back and slept 3-5 hours a day. She did this for 2 years until her back and knees got so bad that she had to stop. I feel so guilty about this because at the time I did not realize what working was, especially not what working two jobs was. I feel I wasnt there for her and she suffered.


I completed my 5th day of work (ie training today). As of yet, I have not quit because I love my mom too much to do that for her. But sometimes I think I'd rather die than go back to work. I dont kill myself because, again, I dont want to hurt my mother. But sometimes I just really think that quitting and going home to tell my mother I gave up this perfectly good job that she could never get because she isnt young and she doesnt have a college degree would be WORSE than killing myself. I could never tell her why I'd quit. I'd make up some stupid excuse and she'd go to sleep thinking that her kids do not care about her and do not love her enough to get a job. She'd think about how everything depends on her and how she has no way of getting money. She'd worry and worry and worry. And she'd probably cry too.


I cant stand the thought of my mother thinking that it doesnt hurt me every time she goes to work a long horrible job that she hates and that pays nothing. I cant stand the thought of my mother thinking I dont care about her. I'd rather have her suffer over my death than suffer the rest of her life in secret over her useless, uncaring daughter.

I cant decide what to do. Quit. Die. I had this wild thought two days ago while at work. I thought about calling in a bomb threat. Thats right. I thought, just go to a public phone, call in a bomb threat and go to work like nothing happened. Then wait for the cops or whatever. Later that day I'd go home and tell my mom about the bomb threat. I would pretend I was scared and quit my job. I wouldn't have to die and I wouldnt have to keep this job and go through hell every second of every day. ....But I can't do this because I know how seriously 'threatening bombs' even false threats are being taken now a days. I'd get caught, go to jail and ruin my life. At my setencing I probably wouldnt even be able to defend myself. "Why'd you do it?" they'd ask me. And I'd be shaking, too nervous to utter a single word. They'd think I was crazy, nuts and all the while I'd be thinking "Give me the lethal injection, send me to jail, do anything but please dont make me speak because that would worse than anything other fate you can offer me".

God, I hate this condition. I hate myself for hating myself so much (if that makes sense). I cant stand living with SA. Its like the craziest condition in the world. I wish I could just be normal. I really think I have all this potential to do good stuff and its just going to waste.

I've been at work for 5 days and I'm at the top of my class, without trying too hard and with all my panic attacks and all my 'acting'. I do better than everyone with this stupid condition and I just think, "God, I could do SO much better if I was normal. If I wasnt nervous all the time". I could do great, wonderful things.... Instead I can hardly go out, hardly keep a job, hardly feel like I want to live.



Brown Eyes
theturning2@msn.com
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Old 05-28-2005  
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I understand very well what you mean. I too have to take care of my family. The good news is that it has helped me a great deal. It was one of the things that helped me control this condition.

The key element is the hating yourself and not being nice to yourself. If you don't help yourself in order to help your family, they will suffer. Whether you do it for yourself or for them, you have to start liking yourself, helping yourself because that is one of the starting points to save your family and yourself. If you're brave enough to suffer the SP for your family, you surely can try to change this thinking pattern. And if you need a reason, look at your family, among other things.

Also, try helping your family members individually. Try to find solutions for them and try to teach them how to find solutions for their problems.

good luck =)
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Old 05-28-2005  
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A little trick which I have learnt over the years in dealing with my problems which works well is to step back for a moment and imagine that the problem which you have is one which someone else (say a friend or whatever) has. Then imagine what advice you would offer to that other person. Apply that advice to yourself.

Things look a whole lot different to ourselves - especially us SPers - when it is us caught up in the problem rather than observing it.

Two men look through the same bars, one sees mud the other sees stars.
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Old 05-28-2005  
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Default wow

You are so clear about how you feel., HOw damm awful for you to go through that . :? I suggest reading other peoples situation to see how much we all can relate and that might help make you feel a little better knowing that you arenot alone. That is why it was important for you to write about your situation. THis is a good place to express your thouhts and not get judged. We all support each other.
Okay maybe you can reward yourself a little more but treating your self to a movie like during your day off . If you feel uncomfortable, then you can go in during the daytime. The point is to try to reward yourself and that make you feel a little better. So once you start receiving the paycheck then you can treat yourself to a nice meal at a cafe or cofee shop or something nice to your mom. That might give you motivation for to make money at the job and afford small things as gift for your family.
Also maybe you can write a short note and put it in your pocket so when you are about to speak in front of people or doing something that is anxiety filled then you can look at the note of positive encouragement and a picture of your mom.
I cannot add too much to this issue cause . I myself like had suicidal tendencies no where to go. and no money and unstable jobs etc.. I feel your pain. We are our biggest enemy is ourselves. Keep us up to date with your situation.
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Old 05-28-2005  
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A poignant post, and one that gives vivid life to the silent turmoil SAers endure. I'm not really sure what to say. It's a case of being caught between Scylla and Charybdis; each choice involves a painful consequence. The onus shouldn't be on you to bring in money, particularly with two other siblings doing nothing, but on the other hand there is the guilt associated with filial duty. I would probably bail, however despicable that may be. The shade of life that remains when I'm put into a situation which involves extreme pressure is not worth living.
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Old 05-28-2005  
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Is there any chance you could find another job or maybe even another position with this company? You have yourself in an extreme environment for a person with SA. This is made even worse by the fact that you cannot quit. You might be able to suffer and get through this, but you've gone from the minors to the majors overnight. 8O
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Old 05-28-2005  
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man i known what your going throuh. the few jobs i've had have all sucked. i would get depressed when i go to work. it just makes life worse than it already is. im too gonna have to start helping out my parents because there getting to old for there hard labour jobs. my dad had surgery a few years ago and i think hes just putting up with pain at his job. my mom tells me she cant do her job for long and that i should find a job, which im looking for btw. the thing is my parents are sort of negative about this, always yelling about what we dont have or what other peoples kids are doing, going to collage blah blah blah. its so hard to positive but killing yourself will put your family in a worse state. you wont be around to support them and think of the pain you'll cause them if you kill yourself. i think you should deal with your depression, go see a doctor beacuse if your not healthy you cant do anything for your family. when i get depressed and start thinking of what i dont have, i just think of what i could have if i get my life together. that sort of gets me through the tough time. i hope things work out for you man, i really do.
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Old 05-28-2005  
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Default Re: wow

Quote:
Originally Posted by marc72
You are so clear about how you feel., HOw damm awful for you to go through that . :? I suggest reading other peoples situation to see how much we all can relate and that might help make you feel a little better knowing that you arenot alone. That is why it was important for you to write about your situation. THis is a good place to express your thouhts and not get judged. We all support each other.
Okay maybe you can reward yourself a little more but treating your self to a movie like during your day off . If you feel uncomfortable, then you can go in during the daytime. The point is to try to reward yourself and that make you feel a little better. So once you start receiving the paycheck then you can treat yourself to a nice meal at a cafe or cofee shop or something nice to your mom. That might give you motivation for to make money at the job and afford small things as gift for your family.
Also maybe you can write a short note and put it in your pocket so when you are about to speak in front of people or doing something that is anxiety filled then you can look at the note of positive encouragement and a picture of your mom.
I cannot add too much to this issue cause . I myself like had suicidal tendencies no where to go. and no money and unstable jobs etc.. I feel your pain. We are our biggest enemy is ourselves. Keep us up to date with your situation.
Everyone's posts made me feel better. Its nice to know that you are not alone. I especially felt comfort while reading your post. Today when I woke up I made it priority to 'feel better'. I think your idea about taking a photo of my mother with me to work is brilliant. Just a few minutes ago I went through my family's old photo albums and chose a photo of my mom to take with me. I think the photo will give me a reason to be stronger and even if it does not get rid of my anxious feelings, it will at least give me a reason to endure the pain and humiliation.

Quote:
Also, try helping your family members individually. Try to find solutions for them and try to teach them how to find solutions for their problems.
Sebastion this is something I *really* want to do. Because of my SA, I am sometimes a really angry person. I shamefully admit to taking my anger out on my siblings. I feel guilty sometimes, thinking that perhaps I have caused some of their low self-esteem. I really plan on making their 'recoveries' a priority in my life.

Quote:
I would probably bail, however despicable that may be.
Ignis:I cant bail, thats the problem. My family really needs me. I'm 21 years old. When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I was accepted into an early medical school program. The program was a miracle. It was a vehicle that promised to lead me into a wonderful career. Unfortunately my SA got in the way. Last year, I quit the program after being enrolled in it for about 2 and 1/2 years. It was the hardest thing in the world to do. I had NEVER quit anything before. And this was not just quitting something. It was giving up a huge opportunity for my family and I. But I couldn't handle the stress, the presentations and talking in front of people every day in class. Leaving the program was a horrible experience. I couldnt tell anyone why I was leaving. I told my friends I just couldn't handle the classes. That was a lie. I had a great GPA. I told my parents that I was just not interested in the medical field. That was also a lie. I told my advisors and program directors that I had too many pressures at home and I couldn't take on such a demanding program. That was the biggest lie. I did so much lying that year that I became emotionally drained. For a few months I could hardly leave my house and thats when my SA became very severe. Suddenly I was afraid of doing the smallest things. I then started a program to try and get over my SA but it didnt work out. That was about 3 months ago. Now I'm at work, another 'big opportunity' and I just dont want to let that go...I couldnt face my family if I did, especially not my mother.

Quote:
Is there any chance you could find another job or maybe even another position with this company? You have yourself in an extreme environment for a person with SA. This is made even worse by the fact that you cannot quit. You might be able to suffer and get through this, but you've gone from the minors to the majors overnight. Shocked
Tim:Tell me about it. I was very naive going into this job. I thought, "I can handle talking on the phone." I also thought that this could be the practice I needed so that when I got back to school I would be better at handling my SA symptoms. Unfortunately I didnt count on the vigorous training my work entailed. The daily presentations and numerous acting skits were a big, ugly surprise.

And, I've thought about getting another job but its just not that simple. I could see myself getting through the interviews, nervous, but still, getting through them. The problem is that I dont know if I could get a job. In other words, its not guaranteed. My family REALLY needs the money. So giving this job up and then searching for another one is really unacceptable. Also, what would I tell my family about leaving my job? What reason could I make up?? And if I did go job hunting again, I could probably only get a small minimum job that paid me 5.15 the hour. I need more than that. Also, most jobs wont work around my college schedule. I was fortunate to find one of the few that does. So, I think its very unlikely for me to find a job that could work for my life, either financially or in support of my college education...

Quote:
i think you should deal with your depression, go see a doctor beacuse if your not healthy you cant do anything for your family.
Tupac: I tried to get help. I tried looking up the number of speech therapists in my area because I thought for a while that maybe my anxious feelings stemmed from some kind of insecurity I have about my speaking skills. I thought if I became a better speaker I would not be so nervous. But there are no speech therapists in my area. None for adults anyways.... I also called a few psychologists but there are two problems with me every going to one. One is the money, which is $80 a session, when I dont have a dime. Two, is driving. I dont have a license. I can drive but I cant get a license because I'm terrified of getting my picture taken. I just cant do it. I cant get my ID taken. I tried once but I just left when I felt my anxious feelings acting up. This situation is so weird for my family. They let me drive but they keep on telling me, "Whats the problem? Get your license. You already know how to drive." I just avoid the subject altogether. I once told them I'd go "next week for sure" just to give them a chance to forget about it. Of course, they did.

So, I'm a little bit incapable of getting help on my own. I would need to confide in someone but I cant. I've tried but its too hard. I wish I could, really...
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