Hi everyone. This is my first post.
I have an amazing 14-month-old little girl. When she was first born, I really struggled with postpartum depression. For me, the depression mainly manifested itself in MAJOR anxiety. I would lash out a lot (never at my daughter) at my mom, husband, anyone who was near me.
Fortunately, I was blessed with an amazing ob/gyn who, when I called, worked me in right away and promptly put me on Zoloft. It helped TREMENDOUSLY.
Anxiety seems to run in my family in a big way and for several years now, I'd been getting more and more anxious. Frankly, the ppd was a real blessing to me because it was exactly the slap in the face to get me to recognize (and admit) that my anxiety was getting the best of me and affecting the relationships that were most important in my life.
The Zoloft has really worked well for me and I was in therapy for awhile. (I plan to go back as soon as we can afford it. Our health insurance coverage isn't great for mental health stuff.) I feel more like myself and don't get overwhelmed nearly as much...and when I DO get overwhelmed, I can usually "talk" myself out of it.
One thing that hasn't changed, however, is my paralyzing fear that something bad will happen to my daughter. (God, it terrifies me to even see this as I type it.) I am so absolutely in LOVE with her (and become more in love with her every single day) and it just cripples me to imagine something bad happening to her.
One day, an idiot ran a red light and I didn't look both ways once the light turned green like I usually do and I had the presence of mind to floor it to get out of the intersection in time. (THANK GOD.) I had to pull over and force myself to eventually drive us home. Now, I know most people would have reacted that way but for weeks and weeks afterwards, I kept imagining my little Bunnyboo (lol...her nickname) looking out of her window and seeing that SUV come towards her. The nuts thing is that she was actually asleep at the time. I just kept seeing it over and over and over again and would actually "see" the SUV actually hitting us and flipping us over. When those thoughts would take over, I would literally shake my head, trying to get the thoughts away. (Now I sound like a nut job, I know.)
And like at night when I'm rocking her to sleep and I get that "warm, fuzzy" feeling, I GRIP her so tightly and try really hard to push the "Oh, GOD...please don't let me ever lose her" thoughts out of my head.
I'm also overweight and I keep praying and praying that I can get healthy again (mentally AND physically) so I won't have to leave her way too early.
Then I just get sad, thinking about the day we'll have to say goodbye (hopefully when I'm really, really old) and it just breaks my heart. The sad thing is, I have a really tight relationship with the Lord and I know this life never ends...it continues for eternity. But the idea of her ever, ever being sad (whether some kid at school hurts her feelings or having to say goodbye to me) just tears me up inside.
I hate being overcome with these stupid thoughts and feelings when I just want to be present, in the moment, enjoying this awesome kid that for some reason, the Lord trusts me with!
Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Thanks
I'm terrified
Linear Mode
