intimacy anxiety?

MoniqueNS

MoniqueNS

Banned
For those brave enough to share, I was wondering if sex or the idea of sex gives you anxiety? And I would like to post some of your answers on my blog, and it would be anonymous.

But for me, sex gives me a lot of anxiety for a quite a few reasons. I've only had sex 3 times and I was drunk every single time and can't really imagine being sober. I have a lot of body image issues, but even just performance anxiety. I'm so worried about every little detail that I can't just relax and enjoy it. I would love to hear from both guys and girls on the issue.
 
Sial Axetder

Sial Axetder

1
This is a topic you may find many will avoid. Nothing to do with AvPD.

Many other reasons from never had it so don't know to have had it but don't know what you are talking about to I don't think I want share.

Conversely some may respond. Providing you with, as I foresee, nothing much past slight sarcasm.

Myself, find it troublesomely difficult to wander freely with a direct response. I will stand with I don't think I want to share.
 
Danfalc

Danfalc

Banned
Weirdly enough I don't get anxious during sex. It's one of the few situations I feel I can let my guard down and just be in the moment I guess.

I also feel closer to people after sex. I guess it's because after sharing that sort of closeness and having someone see you when you feel your most self concious... it's like an act of trust. After that, having someone see you naked, small talk and other things seem less daunting.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
i think it's normal to be a little anxious - to worry about whether your performance is pleasing to your partner, etc.

but just like so many other things, when the worrying about your performance impedes your performance, there is a problem

if you can get out of your own head and just stay in the moment and enjoy what's happening then things are usually fine

the less you worry about it, the better you'll be

one thing that I find that helps is to concentrate on my partner, exploring them and finding out what they find pleasing - thereby forgetting about myself in the process

Like, Danfalc said, for me, intimacy is one of the things that is stimulating enough to allow me to forget myself and stay in the moment

maybe that's one of the reasons I enjoy it so much
 
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krs2snow

krs2snow

Well-known member
vj288 said:
The idea of sex certainly makes me very uncomfortable, as well as intimacy of a non-sexual nature. Anything that would make me close to someone else I run away from, I don't think I'm close with anyone on any level right now. Anything personal that could leave me vulnerable I tip toe around and scarcely share with other people. I'm afraid people are going to find out things about me I don't want them to know, or think of me in a way I don't want them too, so I opt to give them nothing to work with and keep my distance. And whenever someone does try to get close (intimate), that's when the sirens go off and I get very nervous. I usually end up shutting down at that point. Just the idea of the closeness someone experience while (or that is required before) having sex almost makes me shake in discomfort.
Click to expand...

What u describe is exactly what a person who is running from themself would describe. Ur answers lie within. Investigate. And dare to be daring.
 
fitftw

fitftw

Well-known member
I am physically incapable of initiating sex. Every time I've had it, the woman has always "started" it. I'm sort of submissive which is rare for a man.
 
B

Beatrice

Guest
Yes. Oddly enough I don't have any problem being naked. I'm completely comfortable with my body as far as that goes. What I DO feel uncomfortable about is my performance because, well, without getting too graphic, I don't exactly feel confident in what I'm doing, lol. I guess I need more practice :p I just don't know my way around a man's body yet I guess haha. Anyone have a map? :confused:
 
fitftw

fitftw

Well-known member
you can practice on me lol. I wonder if there's a market out there where I can offer my services for money. Like, a male prostitute I guess haha seriously that would be a lovely job. But I have to be allowed to turn some women down of course...haha
 
JamesSmith

JamesSmith

Well-known member
Eh, I wouldn't have much of a problem having sex. I've done a lot of foreplay with the one g/f i had a while back. The sex would be the fun part. The part I can never get past is initiating conversations with women. Biology excludes shy men.

For me to get laid would require being in a lot of social situations, and initiating convos with women, which is something I've had a long history of not liking at all.

Yeah, I'm a coward, and women can see that. I wish I was a woman. Then all I'd have to do is show up and look attractive. You see, I can do those things now, yet, no women ever really come up and talk to me. Yep, biology sucks. Men are desperate, and women sit back and choose. It won't change anytime soon.
 
***deleted***

***deleted***

1
I do get very anxious during sex, if it is with someone i am uncomfortable with. I only had sex with one person I did not trust, and am not ever going to do it again. I FROZE. yep.

Buuutttt If I trust the other person, I a have no anxiety and it is great.

I like this fact about myself, b/c I have a good reason to tell a guy that he has to wait( prob. a very long time) before we can become intimate.
 
SXT

SXT

Member
I don't. I guess mainly because once it's gotten to that place, it's generally beyond the point of being anxious, at least for me. As far as in the actual process goes, never had any weird feelings as it's going on. Guess I'm lucky as far as that goes.
 
K

Kinetik

Well-known member
I have no problem at all with sex, but I think that's only because I'm confident regarding my body and abilities. I can very easily see that if I had some sort of performance issue or other shortcoming (pardon the pun) that sex would indeed be a problem.
 
Danfalc

Danfalc

Banned
coyote said:
one thing that I find that helps is to concentrate on my partner, exploring them and finding out what they find pleasing - thereby forgetting about myself in the process
Click to expand...

Beatrice said:
I just don't know my way around a man's body yet I guess haha. Anyone have a map? :confused:
Click to expand...

Sorry to picks your guys posts out, hope I don't offend either of you. I just think they both make really good points.

When I first became sexually active, the anatomy of women was so confusing to me lol. I would often freeze up and not know what the hell to do. This led to me being nervous about sex instead of being able to enjoy it. I think it's important to remember this is normal, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I mean let's face it, sex education at school just doesn't cut it lol.

What really turned things round for me was being honest with one of my partners. For the first time it felt like the pressure was off. Without getting too graphic, it was the best sex I ever had because instead of pretending to know what I was doing, I actually took the time to learn. And to echo what coyote said, learning what pleases the other person and finding your way around their body... stops you retreating into your own head and worrying.

I think we place so much pressure on ourselves when sex is new to us, we feel it's so important to get it right or "perfect" the first time(s) or with new partners, but honestly half the fun is taking your time and learning/exploring.
 
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mikebird

mikebird

Banned
Just as the same with partners and jobs

I have exactly the same trouble with both

So the same root cause problem is inside

Everything starts smoothly, and it's all friendly, and more.

From any point, from 30 seconds to 2.5 years, the other party decides not to bother. I never do that. I stick with it and work on it. I think that's quite a good summary of life
 
kihira

kihira

1
MoniqueNS said:
For those brave enough to share, I was wondering if sex or the idea of sex gives you anxiety? And I would like to post some of your answers on my blog, and it would be anonymous.

But for me, sex gives me a lot of anxiety for a quite a few reasons. I've only had sex 3 times and I was drunk every single time and can't really imagine being sober. I have a lot of body image issues, but even just performance anxiety. I'm so worried about every little detail that I can't just relax and enjoy it. I would love to hear from both guys and girls on the issue.
Click to expand...

Having just one or two drinks can be a good next step to try from drunk sex, just enough to take inhibitions away. Sober sex with a close partner is fun in that something seems to kick in (maybe a hormone?) that changes the mental state and lowers inhibitions.

Body image and sexual performance worries are most likely much more common these days due to the easy availability of porn, much of which creates unrealistic expectations of how we should look and what we should do in bed.
:)
 
Shant

Shant

Well-known member
Oh, that definition of "intimacy". Gag... to put it simply, the idea of it more than gives me anxiety. I hate the idea of it, and every time I think of it I'm disgusted with myself. I'm sure it's more complex than just being part of AvPD for me - I tend to associate "sex" with "taking advantage of someone" and/or "violating someone". If not just "disgusting". It probably goes back to some ambiguous sexual abuse even I barely recall. Nevertheless, never been that close to someone, and I fear it so much I don't even try. But I don't even really care anyways.

Although in general, with sex not in the picture, and the abstract concept of intimacy, the concept still gives me anxiety for different reasons. It's a push/pull, I want someone I can love or feel close to, but I'm afraid of being too close, for a number of reasons. The possibility I'll get hurt by them, which may arise from a number of different reasons.

To put it short, the hedgehog's dilemma.
 
MoniqueNS

MoniqueNS

Banned
I just really want to thank everyone for replying to this. It has been so interesting to read all of it, especially hearing it from a males perspectives as well. It easy to forget that the other person might actually be anxious about themselves too. So thank you so much. I'm already actually starting to feel a little more comfortable about it all just by even talking about it and reading what you guys have to so. So thank you! I also talk in more detail about the specifics of what makes anxious about sex and I also posted a lot of what you had to say, so check it out if your interested!
 
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