Join Date: Nov 2008
I hate going to the store to buy stuff, because I always get uneasy when I get to the cashier, and I make them feel nervous too. I hate it, I just absolutely ****ing hate how miserable and depressed and anxious I am that I even make other people feel bad. It gets to them. How the hell am I supposed to shop for Christmas presents and feel good about myself, knowing that I make the cashiers feel ackward by acting uneasy in front of them. I just act like I don't even want to look at their faces, and I have a fret, but at the same time It's like I want to get the **** out of the store, because I really cannot bear to be seen or stared at by other people. I feel like the whole world's eyes are on me, especially when they notice the look of depression and anxiety on my face, it makes them so frickin curious that they start looking at me again, but when they see me look at them, they of course turn away, but it's like I self project my anxiety to almost anyone. Sometimes it's instant, like I telepathically send them my feelings just with one look, or even with them just noticing how I'm feeling. I don't know what this is , but I feel like somebody ****ed with my mind, cause this was not me, not even at the beginning of last year was I this bad. I am not sure what messed me up, I just know that these things seem to have contributed
1. Wearing contacts, or the contact solution, it keeps making me feel sad.
2. I tried xanax once for sleep, and the first time I tried it, I woke up feeling very relaxed, but as soon as it wore off, I felt anxiety like things were not OK, and I needed it to be OK. So it's like , it wearing off made me realize that I had anxiety when not on it, or at least a feeling that I'm not feeling serene. It made my brain think that OK is supposed to be serene... there is no way I can experience that feel just for no reason, ****, this messed with my head.
3. I know that the rude customers... and not even them, they made me strong, but when I experienced the wrath of my mean assistant manager , It consumed my brain for days and made me wonder why the **** would she think it is OK to disrespect me, all because I asked a simple question about my paycheck?
4. Also , at my last job, on one night I was walking home at 12am and when I got home I could not sleep the entire time, I did not sleep from dusk to dawn, and in the morning my rib cage and other body parts started aching real bad, and I had to go to work that same day, and I felt awful and in pain, my chest felt heavy and It was the worst feeling in my life. I don't know what this was , because I did not go to the doctor, but I just know that my anxiety got worse from that point on. I also explained to a co-worker that I was terribly sick that day, and he responded by saying that I am just lazy. This annoyed me.
5. I know that I have Candida Albicans, so far the probiotics are not working any magic.
6. I don't know what else to say, I mean, if I am not currently the result of so many bad experiences, then somebody or some source that I don't know is messing with my brain, because the awful feelings that I have are going on automatic whenever I go out, and I feel like I'm on a pill that makes me feel depressed and anxious, even when I am alone. It's like somehow I'm under the influence of a drug, that actively causes me to feel this way, just as easily as a pill can sedate me.
I really wish I knew what the hell is going on.