Is anybody else afraid to change for the better?

SadSally

Well-known member
I was watching a video about social anxiety confessions and a guy said something like "I'm afraid to go to therapy because i'm afraid it will change who I am an I won't be me anymore."

This really related to me. I didn't even realize I felt this way until he said it. Like, seriously, who will I be? What will I do? How will I make friends?

Anyone else?
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Yeah, kinda... I've kinda accept that people hate me upon lookin' at me. So, no point chnage to appease them. No point being someone I'm not, just to please someone else.

Though, I went to therapy, briefly, and when I brought up the issue of enviroment and anxiety, she told me that there's no way that my strict, dysfunctional family upbringing had any impact upon my social anxiety. :sad: Which was heartbreaking, cuz that's basically sayin' ye have yerself to blame.
 
Last edited:

S_Spartan

Well-known member
I understand what you are saying. My fear isn't so much the changing but it's like everybody's definition of "better" is the same. Like you have to become a generic person.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
I'm afraid to go to therapy for the same reasons I'm afraid to enter into any kind of personal relationship. I may fool the random passersby, cashiers, etc. I occasionally meet out there in the world, but those are the most casual of encounters—I don't know them, they don't know me, and neither cares a fig about the other.

In a therapeutic situation, however, just me and one other person (or perhaps a small group) close together in a room too small and too brightly lit, the armor of anonymity falls away. It's a far more intimate atmosphere, and lasts a much longer time, not only the length of a session, but session after session, for weeks and months, even years. In time, it all comes out if one is honest, and there it lies, exposed. I'm terrified that they'll see through my façade, spot the monster behind the mask—figuratively and literally—and be disgusted. As always, in any circumstance, it's the revulsion, shame, and humiliation I fear the most.

That said, I truly believe that I need therapy. I see it as a necessary first step toward becoming the person I would like to be. First conquer (or at least subdue) the fears and sick compulsions that drive me underground, then address the physical issues that feed them. First one side, then the other, then repeat, like a wooden monkey climbing ropes in a child's playroom.

I don't believe therapy will change who I am to the extent of losing my individuality. I'll still have the unique characteristics that make me me—kindness, humor, what creative talents I may possess—but perhaps I'll be able to share them with someone else for a change. I'd like to socialize (though not too much, please), sing in a choir, maybe volunteer someplace, but I can't do any of those things now. I'm stifled by fear, crowded by hopelessness and insecurity. I believe therapy can help with that. I believe it can help me get rid of some of the bad stuff while holding onto the good. It's a lot like cleaning my apartment in a way: once I get rid of all the junk, I'll have a lot more room to breathe.

For now, the fear remains, however, and the question stands: How can I go to a stranger and talk about that which shames me most? Where do I find the courage to pick up the phone and make that call? That's the hurdle I have yet to clear, and I'm not sure how high I can jump.
 

SadSally

Well-known member
I'm afraid to go to therapy for the same reasons I'm afraid to enter into any kind of personal relationship. I may fool the random passersby, cashiers, etc. I occasionally meet out there in the world, but those are the most casual of encounters—I don't know them, they don't know me, and neither cares a fig about the other.

In a therapeutic situation, however, just me and one other person (or perhaps a small group) close together in a room too small and too brightly lit, the armor of anonymity falls away. It's a far more intimate atmosphere, and lasts a much longer time, not only the length of a session, but session after session, for weeks and months, even years. In time, it all comes out if one is honest, and there it lies, exposed. I'm terrified that they'll see through my façade, spot the monster behind the mask—figuratively and literally—and be disgusted. As always, in any circumstance, it's the revulsion, shame, and humiliation I fear the most.

That said, I truly believe that I need therapy. I see it as a necessary first step toward becoming the person I would like to be. First conquer (or at least subdue) the fears and sick compulsions that drive me underground, then address the physical issues that feed them. First one side, then the other, then repeat, like a wooden monkey climbing ropes in a child's playroom.

I don't believe therapy will change who I am to the extent of losing my individuality. I'll still have the unique characteristics that make me me—kindness, humor, what creative talents I may possess—but perhaps I'll be able to share them with someone else for a change. I'd like to socialize (though not too much, please), sing in a choir, maybe volunteer someplace, but I can't do any of those things now. I'm stifled by fear, crowded by hopelessness and insecurity. I believe therapy can help with that. I believe it can help me get rid of some of the bad stuff while holding onto the good. It's a lot like cleaning my apartment in a way: once I get rid of all the junk, I'll have a lot more room to breathe.

For now, the fear remains, however, and the question stands: How can I go to a stranger and talk about that which shames me most? Where do I find the courage to pick up the phone and make that call? That's the hurdle I have yet to clear, and I'm not sure how high I can jump.

I'm kind of afraid of talking to a therapist too, but I've decided that this year I'm going to get help. In the new year I'm going to make an appointment. I'll see what happens from there.

The way I see it is that we're all gonna die someday so we might as well just try and make the best of what we're given, sometimes that includes a battle.

Also, recently, whenever I get intimidated by people, I try to envision them having sex with a donkey then eating poop. I know it sounds gross but it really helps to dehumanize people sometimes.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Also, recently, whenever I get intimidated by people, I try to envision them having sex with a donkey then eating poop. I know it sounds gross but it really helps to dehumanize people sometimes.

Aye, gross - minging in fact.

Though, what ye described there wouldn't seem out of place in any of John Waters' early films. :bigsmile:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
:bigsmile:
but does it help at all?

For me, not really. Too surreal and weird, it just made me laugh more than anything. :giggle: Which would certainly make people less intimdating, but not something you want to think about mid-conversation with someone.
 

alwayssunnyinphiladelphia

Well-known member
The reason I don't like it is tehj opposite, it makes me realise I am going to have to come to terms with lots of things I don't like about myself, I think therapy for me is more about accepting my faults and inadequacies than changing who I am
 

Aylaa

Well-known member
Yes. It was actually in therapy that I realised this though. Depression and AvPD have been with me for so long, they feel like just a part of my personality. I'm scared that if I improve, I'll lose my identity.

My therapist commented that this was something we should work on in our individual sessions...... Then seemed to have completely forgotten this in our next session and switched to basic behavioural therapy for social anxiety again. Which backfired and only caused me to sink down further. (I'm no longer seeing this therapist.)
 

Goblinko

Active member
I'm afraid to go to therapy for the same reasons I'm afraid to enter into any kind of personal relationship. I may fool the random passersby, cashiers, etc. I occasionally meet out there in the world, but those are the most casual of encounters—I don't know them, they don't know me, and neither cares a fig about the other.

In a therapeutic situation, however, just me and one other person (or perhaps a small group) close together in a room too small and too brightly lit, the armor of anonymity falls away. It's a far more intimate atmosphere, and lasts a much longer time, not only the length of a session, but session after session, for weeks and months, even years. In time, it all comes out if one is honest, and there it lies, exposed. I'm terrified that they'll see through my façade, spot the monster behind the mask—figuratively and literally—and be disgusted. As always, in any circumstance, it's the revulsion, shame, and humiliation I fear the most.

That said, I truly believe that I need therapy. I see it as a necessary first step toward becoming the person I would like to be. First conquer (or at least subdue) the fears and sick compulsions that drive me underground, then address the physical issues that feed them. First one side, then the other, then repeat, like a wooden monkey climbing ropes in a child's playroom.

I don't believe therapy will change who I am to the extent of losing my individuality. I'll still have the unique characteristics that make me me—kindness, humor, what creative talents I may possess—but perhaps I'll be able to share them with someone else for a change. I'd like to socialize (though not too much, please), sing in a choir, maybe volunteer someplace, but I can't do any of those things now. I'm stifled by fear, crowded by hopelessness and insecurity. I believe therapy can help with that. I believe it can help me get rid of some of the bad stuff while holding onto the good. It's a lot like cleaning my apartment in a way: once I get rid of all the junk, I'll have a lot more room to breathe.

For now, the fear remains, however, and the question stands: How can I go to a stranger and talk about that which shames me most? Where do I find the courage to pick up the phone and make that call? That's the hurdle I have yet to clear, and I'm not sure how high I can jump.

Great post. I agree with you. :applause:

I also see therapy as some sort of "hope" to deal with my social anxiety/apathy and stop becoming a "basement dweller", like the "cool extrovert kids" and "social butterflies" out there like to say in order to sound, you know, "cool" to other people (pfft).

Besides, I'm getting tired of fighting this "battle" on my own. It's so much better when you have someone to count on in this bizarre (ironically) "normal" world.
I hope that I manage to get some therapy in this next year.
 
Last edited:
I understand what you are saying. My fear isn't so much the changing but it's like everybody's definition of "better" is the same. Like you have to become a generic person.
Exactly.
It's like the only "ideal" in the Fashion Industry is extremely thin with not an ounce of human fat on their skeleton to be seen.

The only "acceptable" way for a human to be considered "normal" in today's society is to be an outgoing, always effervescent, confident, extrovert.
Not a single bit of introvert or low self-esteem to be seen! :no:
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
Growing up not knowing I had autism made me feel I could never connect with people or hold a conversation. But I went and found the help and I've been doing a lot better with my social life. I still have a big battle with mental illness but I have no problem socializing with people like I did years ago. So yes the help was amazing and I see it as self improvement and finding out who you are.
 

nicole1

Well-known member
I think this is true. My therapist--who I no longer see--brought it up after many sessions of me going off track and not making progress. I realized that I had developed parts of my personality around having this disorder. If I go through with therapy, I fear I will change how I think and act, and that I might lose interest in some of the things that I love. I know that changing will help me improve and bring better things into my life; however, I will be losing a part of me.

I guess it all boils down to which is more important. Is it worth losing some parts of myself associated with a major problem in order to improve my life?

One person said that getting better means becoming a generic person. I do feel unique and deep because of my introverted nature which was developed while dealing with Social Phobia. I'm more observant and thoughtful because I don't talk much to others. (Though sometimes I'm pretty talkative to those closest to me.)
 

megalon

Well-known member
I think the flaw in our thinking is that we allow ourselves to be defined by this disorder. In moments of mental clarity, I can see that anxiety and depression are not a part of my personality. They are more like a mask that covers my real personality and doesn't allow it to show through.
Getting rid of this mask will not remove part of my identity. Rather, it will allow me to express my true self more freely. Essentially strengthening my individuality, not weakening it.
 
Last edited:

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I attempted therapy a few times but it mostly felt like they were saying what they thought I wanted to hear and none of it was really new or motivated me enough to use their advice. It all feels extremely cookie cutter and ultimately they are trying to fit you into the proper socially exceptable box. One lady said I needed to "spoil myself more" and made me buy myself an expensive purse, as that was the way to feel valuable? Shopping addiction in the making?

@Graybearghost- I think you should try it though if only to see you are not that off of a person as you tell yourself you are. In regards to your fear of being judged by them: The most important quality of a good therapist is non-judgement. They really do try to live by that quality if they are worth their salt.
Everyone should try a few rounds of psychoanalysis for fun. It's the yrs and yrs of it that get to be questionable. I think a lot of those therapists really do milk the system aka job security, and it's not in your best interest to continue.

I actually do feel like I have no real desire to change myself anymore. I used to want to be someone else but that felt, to me anyways, hollow and pointless and fake.

A lot of the reason I avoid people is because I don't want to be like them if I am honest. Therapy is all about making you like everyone else. Plus the drugs they make you take...you can count me out!
 
Though, I went to therapy, briefly, and when I brought up the issue of enviroment and anxiety, she told me that there's no way that my strict, dysfunctional family upbringing had any impact upon my social anxiety
That's truly a "LOAD OF *******S". Of COURSE enivironment & upbringing has a VERY SIGNIFICANT part to play. What on earth did she say that for ... i tell you, some people just aint cut out to be therapists :thumbdown:
 
In time, it all comes out if one is honest, and there it lies, exposed. I'm terrified that they'll see through my façade, spot the monster behind the mask—figuratively and literally—and be disgusted
I don't know the details, but regardless, there may be a "monster" behind the mask, but that monster is just a suit (a "monster suit") & behind or inside that is the innocent/pure angel.

As always, in any circumstance, it's the revulsion, shame, and humiliation I fear the most
At the end of the day though, they are just feelings (very uncomfortable, but nothing more than feelings)
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
The last therapist I saw reckoned I was being defensive when I disagreed with him that "People react to my anxiety" was an irrational belief I needed to challenge. I didn't go back, I thought $160 was too much to pay to tell him, you have no effing idea what you are talking about.

He was full of clichés, and I think he was more used to dealing with children in juvenile justice, who are not empowered to say you are full of shit.

He seemed to think it was important to tell me that he was a member of the tri club. I've made it pretty clear that I reckon that club is full intolerant, ego fuelled wankers. Maybe he was hurt?

I am not sure I want to change, but I want to learn to focus on the things that bring be joy, and head in the directions that are already a part of me, where I can create and achieve, like writing books, creating a web page for my photos, running marathons.
 
Last edited:
Top