Is anyone as messed up as me?

Hi, this is my first post here. I am wondering if there is anyone out there who is messed up as me. I wonder if it is possible to be more messed up than me and still live and function in the free world.

Ok, I know that is not really true. I know that there are people out there who really have it much worse than me and I need to be thankful for all I have but I find that hard to do.

I have been messed up since I was a small child. I am going to make a list of all the crazy things about me.

1.I remember sitting at the kitchen table, my grandmother smoked, and thinking that is I looked at the ashtray while I was eating, it would get into my food. I still get completely grossed out if I see something yucky while I am eating
2. I can't eat food that anyone else has touched.
3. I have to drink out of a straw that was unwrapped by myself
4. I really don't like to be touched at all, I think it is gross, I let my husband and small children touch me but even my kids, once they get to a certain age, I don't touch much.
5. I fantasize about having a perfect house. My house is not perfect at all. I want it to be perfect and I get in moods where I will spend hours and hours cleaning a room or a closet and then someone in my family messes it up and I completely shut down and do nothing for days, or weeks at a time. But I sit and daydream about being able to wash my towels every time I use them or being able to scrub the entire bathroom every time it is used.
6. I count things, like my steps or other things, this does not really bother my life, it is just something I have noticed about myself
7. I cannot do anything consistently then I feel bad and shut down again.
8. I am scared of people.
9. I think constantly about all the bad things that could happen like car accidents or death or illness or accidents of any sort. When I walk into a room I look around and see all the things that could cause some sort of freak accident, like if there are knitting needles in the room, I imagine someone tripping and falling on them and stabbing themselves through the heart.
10. I am always thinking that I have some sort of exotic ailment. In the past year I have had cancer, heart disease, an aneurysm, diabetes, umm, there are other things but I can't remember what.
11. Lately, I have not been able to sleep, I stay up until 2 or 3 because I am afraid I am going to die in my sleep.
12. I worry that I might hurt someone
13. I think that I am the worst person in the world and that I have committed so many sins that God will never forgive me.
14.There are times when I am happy and confident and I think that things are ok, and I am on top of the world. When I am like that, it takes the littlest thing to knock me down and I shut down for days.
15. I have hurt everyone I have ever known, I cause pain and destruction everywhere I go.


There are many more things that make me messed up but I have got to go get ready to leave right now. So when I get back, I will obsessively check in here every couple of minutes to see if anyone responded.

Oh, and please don't recommend that I get help, that is just not an option for me.

Sounds like OCD and paranoia to me, which loads and loads of people have. You are no different. You also have no confidence, at all, and an inferiority complex. This is what most SP-ers have!

You are trapped in a painful and restrictive mindset, which as part of the mindset makes you think there is absolutely no way out of, just like social phobia--it seems like there is no way out at all. But there is. It's just that you can't click your fingers and make it go in an instant with no effort, and your mindset tells you that any method will fail, because you are hopeless/abnormal!

But this is the mindset talking, not you. The mindset is abnormal, not you.

Sue here (that means moa) is (oficially) the most messed up person in the whole world and I do function quite happily.

I feel I can relate to every single thing you wrote.

I want to give you some kind of a response (so that you'll have something to read when you came here to obsesively check - not making fun of you, I do my own share of obsessive checking - and obsessive everyting, for that matter). So I'll tell you about myself. I am Sue and this is how I do it and what kind of thinking I prefer to help keep me alive and (more or less) ballanced:

I am crazy and maybe you identify yourself as crazy, too. But this life is the only thing that there is. You can worry about standards and societal expectations but that's not useful for anyone. Sue chose to accept her crazinesses and deformations - and to live (whatever that means).

Of course sometimes it's hard. I often do recognize (and fight - and often loose the fight - being consumed by) feelings of: stuckness, detachment, derealization, worthlessness, depression (deep, deep, deep depression at times), destructiveness. And so on. And on. And sometimes I do hurt people and fail relating to people.

But, well, that's just the baggage I was born under and I DO want to carry it. You have your own baggage of messed-up-ness and everyone does. So, let's accept our lives and our selves. And enjoy!

Welcome to the forum miswired. I can relate to some of the things you wrote. Let me see... 5. I spend hours cleaning my house. I am a neat freak and cannot stand cluttered mess. While back I used to live with my brother and he would leave dirty socks and clothes everywhere, splatter water all over the sink counter, hair on the bathroom floor, the list goes on.. 8. Im afraid of people, don't know how and scared to socialize. 13. I have done some really shady things in the past and I know that God will punish me. He is punishing me right now. I can so relate to 14. I would be in a good mood, feeling good about myself and the stupidest little thing can bring me down. Im usually very mellow and I try not to let things bother me but stupid things like people invading my space, talking too loud, making me repeat what I have said... stuff like that pisses me off. I have anger issues. when I get mad I need to let it out physically, like punch the pillow or throw something. LOL..15. I hurt so many people around me. Friends, boyfriends, and most importantly family.....I am like a walking plague. Dont worry, your're not the only one thats messed up.