Is it too late?

SocialHorsefly

New member
Hello everyone. I'm 28 and I haven't had even one friend since I was about 14. I was deathly shy between the ages of 14 and 21. In my early 20's I was always able to work and talk to the public in non-social situations, but that was as far as it went. I had "work friends" but I've never done anything with them outside of work. I haven't done anything socially at all since I was a kid.

I know a lot of people say they have no "real" friends. But I literally do not. I've only been out in public for non-work-related reasons once with someone other than my immediate family in 14 years.

Has anyone else been in such a situation and later been able to have at least a few friends and any sort of romantic life? I've never even held a girl's hand in my entire life. I had no sisters and no close female friends/family when I was growing up, so women are nothing short of an alien species to me. :roll:

I go through periods of complete resignation and other periods of intense longing. I sometimes think that I will never have any friends or family in my future, and I am actually able to live somewhat happily. I just focus on my passions for learning and reading/studying as much as I can. But then, other times, I think it may be possible to one day have friends, and perhaps a wife, and it causes me tremendous agony because I see no way to figure out how to make that happen. I once even fell for a girl, and asked her out. This only resulted in one of the most painful years of my entire life. (She said "let's be friends," which I took literally. The idea of being just her friend actually made me really happy. But alas, the only thing I learned was that when a girl says "let's be friends," she has absolutely no intention of actually being your friend). The experience was truly not worth it.

For that reason, I've thought about giving up on it once and for all. Should I? Is there really any hope for someone who has been friendless for 14 years? By giving up, I can perhaps buy myself a measure of peace and never again entertain the thought of having a social life. But if there is a real chance that it is possible, I don't want to lose that oppurtunity.

So, in summary, my dillema is this: Should I maintain hope that I still may be able to have a life, and thus expose myself to the emotional pain that comes with that hope? or should I cast aside all hope and at least live a bearable (although not fully happy) life?

I really hope someone here understands my dillema. It's hard for me to explain in detail exactly what I mean.

Sorry for the long post... But it hardly expresses a fraction of what I'm feeling. It would take a 1000 page novel to even come close to expressing the rest. The only reason I've got to the point of even posting something like this is because 2 years ago my father passed away. During all these years, he was my only friend and confidant. I thought I was a "loner" before, but it wasn't until now that I've actually tasted lonliness in it's purest form for the first time in my life.
 

SouthernBelle

Active member
In short, YES THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU!!! I think you need to find proper therapy for Social Anxiety and have some cognitive behavioural therapy and exposure therapy. Have you read Lucinda Bassett's book? She had an anxiety disorder and overcame it to become the Chairman of Anxiety associon of America, so you too can do it. It may be expensive to do the therapy at first, but this is your LIFE we are talking about. The therapy and techniques will be life changing and you will be able to meet a wife and make friends. I met my husband after doing CBT and got married in front of 76 guests, something i thought would never happen!
Everyone has to start somewhere. You at least have family, a positive outlook and you like reading (a passion).

Have a look at this website.
http://www.stresscenter.com/lucinda.htm

Enrol yourself into one of these 3 week programs:
http://www.socialanxietyinstitute.org/international.html
 
Like the lyrics of one of my favorite Steppenwolf songs says: "It's never too late to start all over again." Don't give up, hang in there. Social anxiety lies to us and tells us we can't do anything right and we'll never get better, don't buy into those thoughts. I've gotten better using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT says we can live a full and vital life by using our own values to guide us. You seem to value friendship and love, well these are powerful motivations to start living the way you want to. I suggest reading "Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life" and/or "Living Beyond Your Pain". These ACT books are easy to read and cost less than $20 each at your local bookstore , not hundreds of dollars like other bogus therapies.
 

cawth

Active member
hi SocialHorsefly, of course there is still hope! theres hope by the bucket load my friend cause you know what, your not alone. i bet you there are thousands of people who feel the same way as you and find love, happiness and all the rest of the smushy stuff.... what kind of stuff are you into? do you like music? films? cooking? think of all the others out there who will be interested in exactly the same stuff as you and who im sure you would love to be your friend! what do you think? and tell me if im being to nosey but do you have family members who can support you? wb (if you want to?) cawth xx
 

JonnyA

Active member
Hi SocialHorsefly,
I am a similar age to you and have been just as unsuccessful in socializing and romance. For 15 years, I have had no real-life friends. I have never come close to getting a girlfriend (unlike you, I haven't even asked a girl on a date). I have never had a proper job. Even on the SA forums, I am abnormal. Your post made me feel less alone in my problems.

I've recently made some kind online friends who have shown me that I am not totally unlikeable. It is not too late for either of us.
 

Falcon

Well-known member
I am 27. I was in a very similar situation to you this January. I had never held a girl's hand or kissed a girl. I had no friends other than acquaintances at work. Now I have friends, a romantic life, and an active social life. Search for my earliest posts on this board to see where I started from, if you're curious.

Your question is not should you or should you not continue to have hope. You have hope, and that's a good thing. You just need to develop the functional skills that will allow you to be social.

You sound like someone who is shy, socially underdeveloped, and uncomfortable in social situations -- but not with a serious condition that prevents them from setting foot into public places (e.g. a department store or a movie theater). If you're like this, then I can help, and I can give you a road map that it took me months to figure out on my own. PM me. But only if you're serious, and really want to improve your situation but just don't know how. In short, the answer to your subject title is "It's not too late" -- but only if you are willing to take action. Things won't fix themselves. You have to be willing to attack the problem, and this will require getting out of your comfort zone.

Before PMing me, you should be aware that I don't respond well to self-pity or negativity, and I don't give much sympathy.

Cheers :)

P.S. Oh yeah, if you're wondering why I don't just help you in the open board, it's because this board has too much negativity and it's destructive to those trying to help others. I prefer to do so privately where people won't scorn or deride what is essentially good advice. Not blaming anyone here, I used to be pretty negative myself :)
 

SocialHorsefly

New member
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Somehow this thread gave me the impetus to go ahead and make an appointment with a shyness specialist in my area. I had been planning to do that for a while, but never got around to it until now. :wink:

JonnyA: Getting a job has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I've actually worked at the same pizza place for ten years now! (probably way too long. LOL) I don't know if my advice is worth much, but if you can get a job, especially one where you deal with the public in some way, it might help you a lot. It's easier to talk to people because you feel like it's just your job and you aren't putting yourself on the line. I know it may be very difficult for you to do something like that, but it's worth a try. My work never led to any off-the-clock friendships, but it has at least let me have some people to interact with, which I value a lot. I'm pulling for you, and I really hope you are able to work something out.

BTW, I read this article a while back about the "hikikomori" in Japan. It's really sad what some of these young guys go through. Although I can't imagine going to the extremes they go to, I can still relate to them a lot (I also dropped out of high school because of social problems). And it's amazing that some of them are actually able to recover. I thought you might like to read it, JonnyA. I guess there really is hope for even the most detached among us.
 
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