Its feels like I'm in limbo

scruffpot

Well-known member
Howdy do all, how are we all?
I hope you don't mind but i feel like i need a ramble maybe a rant or just a blah on a forum chat about how I'm feeling these days, and am wondering if anyone relates to this or not?

Since being told i have SA, depression etc in 2008 it feels like everything has kind of taken a bit of a back seat and it feels like I am in limbo waiting for things to happen. And its beginning to annoy me slightly.
I was prescribed Citalopram back in Feb 09 20 mg but had it upped to 40 mg the other month. Im not expecting straight away results as i know things are going to take time, and i do not want to rely on medication.

Before i had a mental blip i used to be this confident out going character, i did everything, went out, did adventures, didn't worry about things, went away, worked non stop and just had a lot of fun. OK I have done a hell of a lot in my life and im only 29, eg traveled the world, worked around the world jumped out of planes, swam with sharks, gone on random adventures etc etc and so on now everything has ground to a halt and stopped. Iused to work flat out many different jobs many different roles etc and many hours but then thats the type of person i am and i love working hard, Ive done my graft (been a roadie for 6 years) but i enjoy the hard work and all hours but then sometimes i feel I'm worn out eg the other year i worked 8 months without a day off earn't a fortune but wore myself out but then i love that nonstop feeling. nd my friends know this of me so when they need anything I'm called upon 9plus they think im slightly nutty), and when they have problems they call me. but i think its my turn
I have realised via certain groups i have been to/go to that i just got on with everything and didn't pay any attention to myself, OK, my childhood wasn't the best and my parents were extremely differcult to live with and I got bullied, but then thats maybe why I just got on with things? i don't know.
however I'm now not used to this now in that I'm sitting still.

Im currently waiting for my CBT since sept 08 I've been on the list and get told every month its been put back.
I have regular check ups with my docs (they are blooming great), however I ahve thyroid problems and when that goes a bit wrong i find I act really strange and my SA comes more apparent and I don't want to do anything. Since I started my thyroxine it has changed me a lot, Im not used to feeling normal as i knew I wasn't right over the last 10 years and have had thyroxine for about 2 years (took many different docs to get one to test me) and it has changed me but not sued to it so i think that effected and bought out my SA a lot more.
So far I go to regular SA meetings, have done Anger Management, as I'm angry and frustrated with myself over this episode of my life, and i know people say I'm to hard on myself, but tis differcult to change.
I have a hard time going out but i do push myself, just wish i could turn my brain off and get on with it, but i have difficulties talking to people, but i last as long as I can then go home. but then I freak out slightly in crowded places.

The problem is i have a lot of meetings and chats with people about SA but am waiting for treatment and get put off all the time and have consultants with new CBT people but then pushed again to one side. I feel I'm not going to be ready to get back into a normal life until i can sit down properly and have a chat with someone who can change my behavior or ways of thinking. i tried the help books etc but have a hard time relating to them as my concentration is non existent, and i regularly have clumsy days and forget things.
I do keep my self busy,a s I'm creative person (sound and lighting engineer by trade) i play instruments, I go running and paint pictures, but I'm getting itchy feet syndrome where to get on with things I feel I have to move away but then thats just running from myself, but then thats a habit I have.
i don't want to be stuck in-front of my pc or in the house but having a hard time to relate to people its differcult to go out and do something, eg I want to do course but cause I cant think clearly it feels like I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the subjects so it puts me off.... However I buy things in intention of doing things but never do them. but I'm enjoying having time to myself. but just feel like im in limbo waiting for things to happen.

i tend to be my happiest when im getting in bed and getting ready to sleep i know i shouldn't think like that but I have far to many comfort zones i need to break. Also relationships I just push people away far too often, it would be nice to meet some one i can have fun with not put on so many different face for them to hide myself.

I had a few really bad blips a few months ago and had to pushed everyone away but have got slightly better but just feel I've hit a point where I need to progress from but need a bit of help, i get given all these leaflets about courses for certain motivation building courses but cant go on them as i find its hard to relate to them before i have sat down and had a proper chat with someone.
Am i just rambling?
I just got to the point of feeling in limbo and it just makes me frustrated.. any ideas?
 
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scruffpot

Well-known member
I forgot to add a few years ago I nearly got killed by a 4x4 9run over off my bike) so I'm being treated for post traumatic stress disorder as i still have panic attacks due to that but its getting annoying now...
 

doesit

Well-known member
it seems you had a great life,good money lots of traveling,so what has changed that you are in such a condition now ?coz as far as i know you dont wake up one day all depressed and unhappy :)
 

scruffpot

Well-known member
I think it was a combination of a lot of things, having no roots and crap with my family, moving from town to town, ignoring a lot of things that went on in my life, nearly getting killed, being bullied, working flat out, not really looking after my health, just going with the flow. The constant feeling of not fitting in, through out my childhood I was constantly criticised in what ever I did, but just left to get on with things without any direction.
And just getting on with things and not really making a stand for myself, I have spent my life making other people happy to my benefit (which is not a bad thing) but most people took advantage of it etc and then i paid the price.
i think i just had enough really and just got annoyed with it all and frustrated with myself, and i began to find i had difficulties dealing with people who wouldn't listen then i just couldn't be bothered and got more frustrated.
I ahve been ill quite a bit ion the past and have other health problems that effect me from day to day that makes me hide away and I have been battling with it for years and years, but until now i just got on with things and never really stopped.
now ive stopped I feel stuck in a rut but i try to motivate myself but have lost my Umph.
 

scruffpot

Well-known member
I used to find i could deal with people, then had problems being in shops, around people and in town, hated when people started to look at me felt I was always being judged.
I have to admit the medication has stopped it slightly but its still there, getting panic attacks and so forth when out, especially if its crowded, or I had to do something, but would take me a longer time to get ready as i would create scenarios etc

theres a lot more and i would just ramble on but just currently feeling like im in limbo and not progressing anywhere.
 
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