Just accepting your depression/who you are?

Hi all. I'm a bit nervous even writing this because I've seen some posts around here go south. xD But just listen to me since no one else will. ^-^ And please, I want to hear your story too. <3

Lately I've been thinking about my depression. I've had depression since I started school due to manipulating friends/bullying/sexual abuse/my mom constantly telling me she wanted to give me away and blah blah sob sob stories. For as long as I can remember, I've never WANTED to live. Most of the time I screamed at whoever could hear what was going on in my head, asking why I was put in such a miserable life.

Time went on, I grew up. Still never WANTING to live. I can't remember a week where everything was just ok. I recently lost someone very close to me, and it absolutely crippled and traumatized me. I thought I was depressed before, but wow. My life was laying in bed in the dark, crying from the time I woke up, until I fell asleep. I ate one meal just to stop the aches.

I was pushed into seeking help, and here I am now, with a doctor I see one-two times a month, a psychologist, and a therapist. (At least I have a full schedule, eh? ) I'm currently on 150mg Zoloft and 150mg Wellbutrin XL. I'm also currently bouncing through sleeping medication to try to treat my insomnia, which was made worse by the medication. I run on anywhere between 3-6 hours of sleep a night.

I just look around me and see what it took to keep me from offing myself. 15 bottles of medication, three professionals and someone constantly watching me and knocking if I'm in the bathroom too long.

Depression is all I know. Life keeps letting me down and my recent loss was the worst kick to the teeth. The goal is to WANT to live, but if it involves medicating myself to the point of feeling absolutely nothing, constantly going to appointments and constantly opening old wounds, is it really worth it?

I'm sad. It's all I know how to be. It's all I can really explain. I sleep with earplugs to try to help with my sleep. I can hear my heat beat with them and every night I listen to it, and I just repeatedly plead it to stop beating.

So now. Here I am. Fresh after a therapist appointment (which is why I'm probably a bit more emo than usual and letting it show somehow) She told me after she heard the story about me sitting on the bathroom floor with all the sleeping pills I collected before a knock at the door interrupted my intentions, that I "have the right to live and be happy". (Though if one has the right to live, wouldn't they have the right to end that life? But I digress)

I've been thinking how easy it is to be depressed, and being happy seems like a lot of work. We're all going to die someday anyways. Who's going to care if someone was happy with their life or not. If they were happy, great. If they weren't and all they ever wanted was to leave this world, then great too.

Is it worth all the time, medication and effort to just be happy? It's so much easier to just accept that life wasn't really fair to you, and you've lost your faith in it. I'm just considering dropping all this medication, cancel all the appointments and just be depressed. What made me depressed can't be undone. My loss can't be brought back. Why find hope in something else that can be taken from you sooner or later?

Well. Thank you for listening to my emotional post-therapy babbling. I do feel better, but I'm sure it's just the medication kicking in, and the anxiety of talking about my feelings~ with a professional dying off.



What about you? Ever consider just accepting your depression? Or are you determined to find some hope in life? I'd love to hear your story. ^-^

Missing said:

Hi all. I'm a bit nervous even writing this because I've seen some posts around here go south. xD

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^Hah! :bigsmile:

I've accepted my depression for long periods of time before. That didn't change anything for the better.

Meds never worked for me, nor did therapy.

The only things that ever really helped me with it are exercise, sunshine, and time outdoors. Well, my animals help a bit too.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:

I've accepted my depression for long periods of time before. That didn't change anything for the better.

Meds never worked for me, nor did therapy.

The only things that ever really helped me with it are exercise, sunshine, and time outdoors. Well, my animals help a bit too.

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Aye, ah can relate there, Nathaniel. Ah would add huvin' summit ye enjoy doing can help wi' depression - y'know, a hobbies tae take yer mind off yer depressive thoughts. Well, it helps me, anyway.

Missing said:

What about you? Ever consider just accepting your depression? Or are you determined to find some hope in life? I'd love to hear your story.

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Well, ah just accepted ma depression long ago. Efter ye realise yer oan yer ain when it comes to yer ain mental health. Also, it's hardly summit ye can talk aboot openly withoot folk treat ye different efter tell 'em aboot yer struggle wi' depression. But that might jist be ma experience?

But ah'm no' really sure aboot findin' hope in life. Ah know dour, miserable, pessmistic - yer typical Scottish person. :bigsmile:

If nuthin' else, ah'm determined tae be happy, if nuthin' else. Mind you easier said than done when yer around people who treat ye wi' indifference.

Accept my depression? Hell no! I want to kill it. I want to look down at it's bloody, battered body and yell one last obscenity at it before I finish it off.

I can't say for sure, but I think this applies to most people as well. To me, depression means that I still care and have hope. So even when I try to accept it, the feeling itself means that I don't accept it. It confuses me. Life confuses me. Life is hard...and yeah, being happy is a lot of work!

If you do quit medication, you must taper off of it very gradually. Abruptly terminating medication is dangerous.

I think there's a difference between accepting the way a mind works, and accepting that as reality or the only possible path of reality.

ive always had a problem with the idea of accepting who you are if you are a really depressed, anxious person..where would that get you?its almost like waving the white flag imo..meds havent helped me much, certain recreational drugs have helped in short bursts but the only constant that helps is regular intense exercise..i have to force myself to do it but nothing has really works..the mood lift from exercise only lasts 4-5 hours tops though..

bsammy said:

the mood lift from exercise only lasts 4-5 hours tops though..

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That's what makes me feel like just accepting that this is who I am, have always been and will continue to be. There's nothing that keeps me happy as long as most "healthy" people. I can lose myself in a book, tv show, or a game, but right after that I'm right where I was. The constant up and down is frustrating and exhausting. When I get those rare moments of happiness, I also feel guilty because of the death of someone that gave me reason to live. So I fall further. I'd rather just stay down, you know?

And sadly, I feel like I've lost most of my empathy for those around me. I even thought a lot about just picking up and leaving without telling anyone. People that meant so much to me, seem to matter less than doing anything to just get out of the hell I'm in.

I don't know. :/ I'd sure love to enjoy life, but I'm just tired of trying. I wish it came easier. The medication seems like a choice between feeling like crap, or feeling nothing but knowing you hate your life. X_x

Missing said:

I feel like I've lost most of my empathy for those around me.

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Sometimes this also happens because the people around you aren't worth empathizing with, or don't show any empathy in return to you. You didn't really say much about the environment you're in or how it's affecting you.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:

Sometimes this also happens because the people around you aren't worth empathizing with, or don't show any empathy in return to you. You didn't really say much about the environment you're in or how it's affecting you.

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I spark the "you don't know what you have until it's gone" in people. I can say a lot of people take advantage of my kindness and support, and when I walk away they want me in their life again. I guess in a way, it's made me detach from people so when the neglect/betrayal occurs, it's easier to take. But it's me too. When there's those who'd never dream of hurting me want to get close, I don't let them.

I'm my own worst enemy. ^-^

I can relate to all of that. :sad:

My depression started right once I started school and was bullied everyday. I eventually tried to kill myself numerous times, started to do drugs, and push myself away from people. I struggle with schizophrenia, depression, anxiety and autism. I too lost a loved one that was really close to me. She was my best friend and I still think of her everyday. Over the past year though I have begun accepting myself. Telling myself this is who I am, even though I may not like it I am important to someone in this world even if I don't know who I know I mean something to someone. Believe me, take your medication. I hate taking mine, but I don't do it for myself, I do it for the people I love. Just take everything in steps don't rush because I've been working a year on mine and it is starting to get better. You only suffer if you tell yourself your suffering. I think you can push through

bsammy said:

the mood lift from exercise only lasts 4-5 hours tops though..

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I don't even get that, usually by the time I've driven home from the gym the "high" is gone.
I wish nature would have made us with better happy-brain-chemical-release systems. But then I guess nothing would get done.

Since you've made the choice to get help, just remember that you're taking the meds you are simply to get through the now. It's painful, agonizing, and it might seem as if you aren't strong enough to endure... but you've got to try and dream a little.

Envision a time ahead where you're not plagued by any of your current problems. Living in a place where everyone treats you well. Working at something you truly enjoy. Falling in love with someone that completes you..

And when you're finally ready to come off the meds, you go ahead and try to make that future a reality. Might seem as if the effort isn't worth it... but, hey, you've already experienced the worst feelings in the world... so why not go for the opposite spectrum?

Missing said:

That's what makes me feel like just accepting that this is who I am, have always been and will continue to be. There's nothing that keeps me happy as long as most "healthy" people. I can lose myself in a book, tv show, or a game, but right after that I'm right where I was. The constant up and down is frustrating and exhausting. When I get those rare moments of happiness, I also feel guilty because of the death of someone that gave me reason to live. So I fall further. I'd rather just stay down, you know?

And sadly, I feel like I've lost most of my empathy for those around me. I even thought a lot about just picking up and leaving without telling anyone. People that meant so much to me, seem to matter less than doing anything to just get out of the hell I'm in.

I don't know. :/ I'd sure love to enjoy life, but I'm just tired of trying. I wish it came easier. The medication seems like a choice between feeling like crap, or feeling nothing but knowing you hate your life. X_x

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thats all the medication did for me as well, it numbed me out to where i simply didnt care anymore..i could lay in bed all day and just be fine with it..sex drive went to 0 and gained weight, no good..

i also lack empathy in a major way..i think its the brains way of adapting by shutting down extra stressors, i dont know..

S_Spartan said:

I don't even get that, usually by the time I've driven home from the gym the "high" is gone.
I wish nature would have made us with better happy-brain-chemical-release systems. But then I guess nothing would get done.

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true, in reality most workouts will give me a boosted mood for a few hours..it takes a pretty hard workout to achieve this too so...i think this just goes to show you how defective OUR brains are as i know people who get the same joys we get from lifting just by watching nature or from other everyday minor activities..it isnt fair at all...

DepravedFurball said:

Since you've made the choice to get help, just remember that you're taking the meds you are simply to get through the now. It's painful, agonizing, and it might seem as if you aren't strong enough to endure... but you've got to try and dream a little.

Envision a time ahead where you're not plagued by any of your current problems. Living in a place where everyone treats you well. Working at something you truly enjoy. Falling in love with someone that completes you..

And when you're finally ready to come off the meds, you go ahead and try to make that future a reality. Might seem as if the effort isn't worth it... but, hey, you've already experienced the worst feelings in the world... so why not go for the opposite spectrum?

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That's what I find hard doing. I've been depressed most of, if not all, my life. I try to imagine a better future, but then I get more depressed because I know(assume) I'll never have it. I think I spend most of my time thinking about having that better life.

I know I sabotage myself a lot. My depression has gotten worse lately, and I'm not sure why. I used to love going out and being out in the world. But now, like you bsammy, I'd rather stay in bed and wallow. I prepared myself all week to finally go out today and see some people. I chickened out at the last minute because faking the happiness is even harder than the depression itself. So here I am, drinking whisky alone. ^-^ My sleeping medication is out (even though it never helped much) so I predict a long night of self pity.

Sometimes I even think therapy hurts more than it helps. Each time I go, I feel like I have another added diagnosis. I also feel horrible because all these people try so hard to help, and I feel like it's just a waste of their time. I also feel like I hold back a lot too, because there's just some wounds I don't want to reopen.

I think my 'complicated grief' is a huge part of why I want to just accept that my life isn't enjoyable, and oh well. Finally being happy when they're gone now? That death was what pushed me to the lowest pits of hell and I was laying in bed all day, crying nonstop. Finally was pushed to get help and it's just draining me.

I guess what bothers me the most, is knowing that the medication makes you have fake feelings. It's a mask. I know without them, I'd be still in bed crying (or maybe not even here anymore) and it's kind of sad knowing you have to create a fake world to even make it to tomorrow.

But you're right. I'm focusing on just getting to the next day. I'm afraid that is what my entire life will be like. I hope I don't reach a ripe age that way...


dannyboy65: I know how you feel then. :/ I was bullied the second I started school too. (I was poor and had frizzy hair xD) I like that you're able to think of something positive to make it through the day. I'm sure people out there love me, but is it worth forcing myself to live in this hell, just so they don't have to take a few weeks to grieve over me?

I'm sure I have a long way to go. But giving up and just accepting it seems so much easier... I kind of miss those strong feelings though. My doctor won't even consider lowering the dose of my medication and even wants to possibly raise it next month. Pff.

Yah, definitely easier to wallow than it is to fight back against what's holding you down.

Myself, I'm in a pretty comfortable situation with a stable job and decent income, and if it weren't for my dream of winning the damned lottery, I'd have truly given up years ago.

But I'm three years removed from my darkest bouts of depression... never taken meds, never gone to therapy, and I'm just barely hanging on, living day to day with the idea that, perhaps *some* day, I'll live to see my silly dream turn into a reality.

And if that happens, I'll be throwing a big party. A full year long, with all the whiskey you can drink. You're invited, of course, so keep your calendar free, eh?