Letting Go and Learning About the Self

Hello. For about 40 years now, I've lived in this hellacious prison we refer to here as social phobia. I know it co-exists in all of us here to varying degrees and places us at different points along the spectrum of anxiety disorder. I'd like to share my experiences from time to time in hopes of imparting some wisdom that might help someone else. Although I've given up on achieving "normal", I have begun the process of self-compassion, self-love and self-acceptance. Through this process, I have learned that all these years of trying to get it right and finally "fit in" was counterproductive and that curing social anxiety isn't about reconnecting with other people, it's about reconnecting with myself.

As many of you know, we feel different from other people for whatever reasons. This leads to disconnection from ourselves as we tell ourselves that we're different because we believe we're so flawed. Somewhere along the way we became hypersensitive to negative external (social) and internal (thoughts), and our minds became fixated on these messages. For some of us more than others, it was easier to become "stuck in the moment" in which our emotions felt wounded, and we couldn't pull ourselves out of it, causing and perpetuating all kinds of personal suffering and anguish. I could go on and on, but we all pretty much know the misery of social anxiety, I'm not teaching you anything new.

I'd just like to say that today I hope each of you will take a moment to step outside yourself - separate you from you problem for a few minutes and calm down. Even if your emotions are charged, breathe deeply, slowly. We must remember to frequently counteract the overstimulation our nervous thoughts produce.

Lately, I've been studying matters I believe contributed to my social anxiety, such as the ego, society/culture, and introversion. There are many more factors, but these three have my attention right now. I have to say - this research is really helping! Learning about how the ego, if mismanaged, can cause toxic shame which is a huuuuuuge source of social anxiety. And how being an introvert in a society that ineffectively enforces extroversion can produce extreme self-consciousness, also leading to social anxiety. If any of you are lost in your anxiety, I suggest getting a better understanding of not only what makes you tick, but why. Introspection might be painful, but it's better than wandering through your anxiety, cluelessly and clumsily, as I regretfully did for so many years.
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Agreed, learning about how we work is useful. I was working along a similar path, and though I haven't solved my SA completely I am definitely a much better person. I hope you find your breakthrough though, sounds like your digging to the heart of youyr issues

Yup.

I've found 2 things have really helped me. 1) learning to care less about what people think of me. Seriously. There came a time when I said to myself,
'I couldn't give a c r a p about what you think of me'.

2) Instead of being focused on what people are thinking of me, I think more about what I think of them. I think more about what they are saying to me, like I picture in my mind the things they say.

After all, what I think of them is way more important than what they think of me.
At least to me it is.

That's very true Crydee. Something of a turning point for me was when I, for the very first time, became conscious of someone being intimidated by me. I had never thought of myself like that before, never even felt like an adult really. But to see that made me conscious of the fact that other people were no less fragile than me. That we all have the same fears and insecurities when you get down to it. I no longer fear other people, or feel intimidated by them; it's the biggest step I ever made to date! Now I just have to find a way to integrate myself back into the real world and rebuild my approach to conversation. Alot of work ahead, but I'll take those precious increments one at a time if need be!!

Probably one of the most difficult things in life is realizing that you are not the only one going through this.

And since depression/anxiety makes your thoughts turn inwards you miss the other people's struggles.

Knowing this doesn't make anything easier.

Hoppy said:

Probably one of the most difficult things in life is realizing that you are not the only one going through this.

And since depression/anxiety makes your thoughts turn inwards you miss the other people's struggles.

Knowing this doesn't make anything easier.

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This is something else I wish I had realized in my youth. Now, I have to constantly remind myself of it. And I'm perplexed when I read stats like
"...15 million Americans suffer from social phobia..." . Makes me wonder if the person who didn't speak to me on the elevator was anxious too or if that guy who didn't flirt with me was shy also. Before, I would automatically assume it was because I was not good enough. I also wonder where the stats come from and if they are accurate. Seems like I would have met many more people suffering from this over the last couple decades. In that regard, the Internet literally changed my life.

PugofCrydee said:

Yup.

I've found 2 things have really helped me. 1) learning to care less about what people think of me. Seriously. There came a time when I said to myself,
'I couldn't give a c r a p about what you think of me'.

2) Instead of being focused on what people are thinking of me, I think more about what I think of them. I think more about what they are saying to me, like I picture in my mind the things they say.

After all, what I think of them is way more important than what they think of me.
At least to me it is.

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I really try hard not to care what others think of me, but find it impossible. It's gotten much better with age, but I usually feel like deep down I do care. Maybe it's my ego that makes me care too much :kickingmyself: compelling me to chase a perfection I can never achieve. Yeah, that sounds about right.

In my 30s, I learned to "think" I didn't care what people thought of me, and it was helpful through a few tough moments. I couldn't maintain it, however, without feeling indifferent or angry underneath. Now, I'm exploring "I don't mind what people think of me." This feels more peaceful and empowering than I ever expected it to because it forces more self-approval rather than combat with the world, me vs. everybody. The defensive response of not caring (when deep down I knew I did) seemed to carry with it a tone of resentment towards those I claimed not to care about and further detached me from myself, the world and reality. For now, this is working for me...maybe because I'm in a different space than the one I was in a decade ago. Don't get me wrong...sometimes it takes a more aggressive approach in which I quickly choose to not give a sh!t. Just saying that alternatively or in addition to not caring, we more sensitive hearts should seek a comfortable balance in the way we cope with the world that doesn't make us defensive or emotionless. And if we must defend ourselves, let it be our genuine, beautiful selves and not our egos.

Requiescat said:

Agreed, learning about how we work is useful. I was working along a similar path, and though I haven't solved my SA completely I am definitely a much better person. I hope you find your breakthrough though, sounds like your digging to the heart of youyr issues

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Thank you and I wish you increased clarity as well.

Sometimes my brain just will not string an understandable paragraph together that expresses how I feel about something. It's all just mashed together.

So right now all I can say is that I really like this thread. :thumbup:

Yep. Self Love is the cure, shame too many people love their misery to much to see this. Congrats to you OP.

The Observer said:

Yep. Self Love is the cure, shame too many people love their misery to much to see this. Congrats to you OP.

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^Can I just add a point to that? I believe the lack of Self Love is not always indicative of a person "loving their misery".
It can also be caused by low Self-esteem, which many of us with SA suffer from greatly.

It is very hard to love a human (yourself) when your excruciating low self-esteem is like a constant voice in your head telling you that you are so flawed and worthless. That makes it really hard to develop the ability to achieve "Self-love".

I agree on the introspection being painful. Did you find any materials helpful?