Living with a Controlling Family :/

Am I doing something wrong?

I'm 22 years old and in May next year I will be 23. Still living my mum.

I just bought over £500 on clothes because none fit me anymore, even my shoes. Anyway my mum found out and we had an argument about it.
She always checks how much money I have in my back account (and yes I changed my password now she can't any more)

Just recently I found out that my real dad is not my dad at all because he told me and the whole family told me too.
So didn't get much sleep, so my family is complaning because I don't have a normal sleeping pattern.
I have to admit I do have insomnia so any stress, or when I'm ill. I don't sleep.
I do get to my normal sleeping pattern within a few days. But my family is still complaining about it and it's "not normal"

I went to three colleges and my mum took over on all of them, and how I should spend the time in college and getting a job (all of them were doing performing arts and music). She also tried in university too (another music course) because I didn't graduated and I've quit, because I didn't like the course.
My whole family even my mums friends were having a go at me because "you should stay and will get you a good job"
I didn't want to because I didn't like the course.

Also I don't have many friends where I live only the internet so I spend my free time on the internet.
Furthermore I'm doing TEFL course online, and now my family and especially my mum is complaining on how I never go out and I never work.
Yes I don't go out as much, but I'm doing a course online.

Recently too I've been on a date, my mum was asking questions "who is this guy? where did you meet him? how are you going to meet him? when will you be coming home? how long will you plan to stay out?"

We always argue about that I'm an adult and she can't treat me like a kid anymore.
Everytime, she rings up my grandma or her friends and they will have a big go at me. :kickingmyself:

Now we had another one and I finally told her on what I think instead of her. She dislikes it.
Now that I seem to be the bad guy because I'm an adult and I want to do things on my own.

I know I'm complaining and whining at the moment and I'm very sorry about that. But I'm just fed up.

Well, to be honest £500 is a lot of money to spend on clothes all at once, especially considering that you don't have a job (unless I'm misunderstanding). Part of being an adult is being financially responsible.

Sorry about your dad, that has to be hard. Also sorry that everyone seems to be out to get you, but it sounds like they're trying to help and they really care about you. By saying that insomnia is "not normal" they probably just mean that it's unhealthy, which it is, and they want you to be healthy (easier said than done of course).

Maybe try to improve communication between you and your mother. Don't keep everything bundled up inside, be open with her about your problems and listen to her advice, even if you might disagree. Communication really is key.

Most of all good luck

surewhynot said:

Well, to be honest £500 is a lot of money to spend on clothes all at once, especially considering that you don't have a job (unless I'm misunderstanding). Part of being an adult is being financially responsible.

Sorry about your dad, that has to be hard. Also sorry that everyone seems to be out to get you, but it sounds like they're trying to help and they really care about you. By saying that insomnia is "not normal" they probably just mean that it's unhealthy, which it is, and they want you to be healthy (easier said than done of course).

Maybe try to improve communication between you and your mother. Don't keep everything bundled up inside, be open with her about your problems and listen to her advice, even if you might disagree. Communication really is key.

Most of all good luck

Click to expand...

But she always treats me like I'm kid.

Also I had a growth spurt and I grew out of everything. Like I was 5.4 shoe size 5 - 6 and then in a couple of months I was 5.6 and shoe size 7-8!
So yeahh I kinda had no choice really.

I'm trying to have a good comunication but it's hard when I have to go by her rules all the time.
I don't drink, gamble, smoke or do drugs.

yes i am in awkard position that I'm still living my mum.

And thanks, I just don't know what to do. I am trying to look for a job, living in the countryside is hard

Your mother is doing what any mother would do. Perhaps you don't understand now, but you will when you have kids of your own.

my mom is like that too. her drive to care for me has made her controlling. for example, she wants me to drink water and tricks me into drinking it. sometimes she is blinded by her own desire for me to succeed that she doesn't believe my anxiety or depression. in the end, it is i who knows myself best. i may not have the best ideas but i know what i'm feeling.

my parents did the same crap to me forever. forcing me to go to college and choosing my classes and paying for it and everything. my whole life was scripted out and controlled by them, and i eventually decided i needed to break free or my anxiety was going to implode my brain completely. i told them one night when they teamed up to have a go at me that "if they liked college so much then they should ****ing go there and get themselves more cool degrees..."

now they don't nag me or try to control me anymore.

u gotta be yourself... free spirits are meant to fly...

I'm 27 and still living with a controlling and critical mother. You need to try hard to get away from her and be free. That's what I've been told by people. I'm really trying to get away but it's been hard since my problems keep derailing me.
I feel like I can't even really be myself and have a life while I'm still living here. I've never been allowed to speak my mind and it's really screwed me up. Every time I'm around her I feel so anxious because I feel like I have to be perfect and keep my mouth shut. I can't ever disagree with her because then I risk being kicked out of the house just like my brother was.
I wish I could do what R3K did and just let it all out and be myself but it's just way too risky right now.

Well 22 isn't considered odd to be living at home anymore, but I bet it's difficult for everyone... I am as old as your folks and we came from a different time and culture, we see things totally differently.. What might seem normal to you, seem like lack of control to us... Because you haven't experianced the same things we have...

We were expected to be very hard workers, responsible, and self controled more. Careers were very important to start earlier, I started my 1st. company at 14 and did it for 27 years. Priorities for life were more focused and planned than today, people married sooner, and we didn't expect instant gradification... Things took longer and we had to be more patient, and dedicated...

I think that they are trying to install in you the same priorities in you, and teach you is all... It might seem controlling now, but those character traits are very valuable. And will better prepare you for life later on, so you can handle the stresses you will face later in life...

Why do you think the younger generation is so stressed, and unable to handle the responsibilities of homelife let alone independence ? They have been raised in community where they ask others for advice from each other in making decisions, ( Like on forums like this) , instead of being ready and able to make those decisions all on their own ?

We were before the internet, cell phones, and all the resourses available today... Heck, I wasn't even allowed to use a calculator in math !! Now elementery students have tablets, laptops, and anti-anxiety medications. I remember when Prozac was approved for human testing, when I was a teenager !!

So cut them a break... They are doing what they only think is best for you, and want you to have the best chance to succeed in the future. Right now, that is THEIR job and responsibility... Life out on your own is tough, and without some self discipline.... Well, just look at all the problems your having already.. Sticking with the plan, like college, training, and practical experience to be ready... It takes allot of dedication just to get ready, and learning how to handle stress, make proper decisions, and the consequences of those decisions.

It's going to be a real shocker when you get blindsided by life's little surprises, and it throws some real curve balls... Your going to love going out into the working world, there is a chain of command. And it's a long climb to the top. To win the race, you have to be able to finish... And that takes allot of endurance.

Alienated is right, they do what they think is best for you. The only real solution is to act like an adult, just ignore them and do your own thing.

But I really know how difficult it can be. I am now 44 years old and no matter how often I ask my mother she just ignores me.

I couldn't stand that, I'd feel smothered, I guess she cares but is being overprotective. Mind you I moved out at 17 so maybe I'm not the best person to ask lol.

Wow Remus... Your signiture quoting Nietzsche is a statement in it's self to this thread..Nietzsche actively set out - not only to challenge but even to overturn - all previously accepted standards of decent and upright behaviour... And In January 1889 Nietzsche suffered a final and tragically complete mental breakdown in Turin, Italy. He had been discovered in a street, weeping and apparently embracing a horse.

Yet he spent much of his final decade in utter mental darkness and confusion, he hated his Father too... And praised Hitler as a great man.... I bet he would love the ISIS too.

His General Influence
Here are some concepts very prevalent today which are at least strongly influenced by Nietzsche (not that he ever expressed such things quite this simply!) Please notice how some of these Nietzschean concepts later became merged and enmeshed with Freudism and are now very prevalent in modern psychology! Also note the inherent selfishness in these concepts.
1. The goal of life should be to find yourself. True maturity means discovering oneself - not helping others!

2. The highest virtue is to be true to oneself.

3. People should not hate or be embarrassed about their bodies but need to learn how to accept and integrate their physical selves with their minds - the mind and body make up our entire selves.

4. When you fall ill, your body is trying to tell you something; just stop and listen to the wisdom of your own body.

5. Knowledge and strength are greater virtues than humility and submission. Humility and submission should be rejected. If people are weak and submit easily they deserve to be strongly dominated!

6. Sexuality is not the opposite of virtue, but a natural gift that needs to be developed and integrated into a healthy, rounded life. Sexuality is a virtue in its own right.

7. Many people suffer from impaired self-esteem; they need to work on being proud of themselves.

8. Overcoming feelings of guilt is an important step to mental health. Guilt feelings must be eradicated!

9. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. First love yourself, then you may love others.

10. Life is short; experience it as intensely as you can otherwise it is wasted. Reject the voice of caution!

11. People's values are shaped by the cultures they live in; as society changes we need changed values. It is simply idiotic to attempt to live by the values of another age or society!

The irony in all this, of course, is that though Nietzsche claimed that his recommended path would lead to good mental health, he spent the last ten years of his life suffering from serious mental illness from which he never recovered! Does this not suggest that the man himself did not know and understand the path to good mental health?

Talk about Controlling people ??? Number 5 is well.. It talks for it's self.

@alienated

Alienated said:

Well 22 isn't considered odd to be living at home anymore, but I bet it's difficult for everyone... I am as old as your folks and we came from a different time and culture, we see things totally differently.. What might seem normal to you, seem like lack of control to us... Because you haven't experianced the same things we have...

We were expected to be very hard workers, responsible, and self controled more. Careers were very important to start earlier, I started my 1st. company at 14 and did it for 27 years. Priorities for life were more focused and planned than today, people married sooner, and we didn't expect instant gradification... Things took longer and we had to be more patient, and dedicated...

I think that they are trying to install in you the same priorities in you, and teach you is all... It might seem controlling now, but those character traits are very valuable. And will better prepare you for life later on, so you can handle the stresses you will face later in life...

Why do you think the younger generation is so stressed, and unable to handle the responsibilities of homelife let alone independence ? They have been raised in community where they ask others for advice from each other in making decisions, ( Like on forums like this) , instead of being ready and able to make those decisions all on their own ?

We were before the internet, cell phones, and all the resourses available today... Heck, I wasn't even allowed to use a calculator in math !! Now elementery students have tablets, laptops, and anti-anxiety medications. I remember when Prozac was approved for human testing, when I was a teenager !!

So cut them a break... They are doing what they only think is best for you, and want you to have the best chance to succeed in the future. Right now, that is THEIR job and responsibility... Life out on your own is tough, and without some self discipline.... Well, just look at all the problems your having already.. Sticking with the plan, like college, training, and practical experience to be ready... It takes allot of dedication just to get ready, and learning how to handle stress, make proper decisions, and the consequences of those decisions.

It's going to be a real shocker when you get blindsided by life's little surprises, and it throws some real curve balls... Your going to love going out into the working world, there is a chain of command. And it's a long climb to the top. To win the race, you have to be able to finish... And that takes allot of endurance.

Click to expand...

I don't agree. I don't like people saying you're automatically wrong just because you're young and parents are always right just because they're parents and older. Like parents can't actually be abusive or like doing the wrong things and enjoy abusing their power.
My family doesn't fit the description of your generation. Even though I'm young, I'm the most ambitious person in my family, no one else has cared about having a career. It actually makes me a little mad sometimes that my mom doesn't care about having a career. I'm trying to help her find a new job now and her only requirement is that it's easy.
Even though I'm ambitious I still had problems with college too and had to stop going a couple times because of my mental issues and I got yelled at and threatened with getting kicked out because of that. I don't see how that is helpful or encouraging.

girlinthecorner said:

I don't agree. I don't like people saying you're automatically wrong just because you're young and parents are always right just because they're parents and older. Like parents can't actually be abusive or like doing the wrong things and enjoy abusing their power.
My family doesn't fit the description of your generation. Even though I'm young, I'm the most ambitious person in my family, no one else has cared about having a career. It actually makes me a little mad sometimes that my mom doesn't care about having a career. I'm trying to help her find a new job now and her only requirement is that it's easy.
Even though I'm ambitious I still had problems with college too and had to stop going a couple times because of my mental issues and I got yelled at and threatened with getting kicked out because of that. I don't see how that is helpful or encouraging.

Click to expand...

I never said the yonger generation is always wrong or that parents are always right... Good that you ambitious, I wish you nothing but good results... Like I said, I started a painting company at 14..

I was just giving a explination of periods , attitudes, and problems you werent aware of .. And not all families are cookie cutter,,, My use of the word generation, is not all inclusive. I believe a 15 year old girl just invented and solar powered self producing electrial generator water purifier...

You may not agree because It was from my perspective, and you have every right to that.. Again I wish you best of luck... But employers are not going to always be encouraging and supportive , they only care about the job getting done... Ambition is great, but dedication, responsibility, problem solving skills, stress tolerance, coping skills, and actual ability to get the job done is what leads to success...

PrincessKitty your parent(s) sound utterly horrible and socially misaligned. You are right to strive for independence but I doubt you will be able to soften their attitudes toward you. Living in the city isn't easy either but at least the rules are obeyed.

Hi sorry that you feel controlled. I feel the same sometimes and I'm 24 living at home. I'm planning to move out ehh sometime soon. At least it's better than being ignored $500 is a lot for clothes but if they are high quality they will last longer. Remember to save though. I wish I did before because now I have to save a ton before moving out and I'm still in school x.x Anyway for the sleep problem I would listen to nature sounds, get a sound machine, put on pillow scents, think positively, keep your room clean. haha I wish I followed my own advice more xd ...

Honestly, I don't believe that you are ready to be an independent adult. You still need guidance. She's not holding your hand or doing your work for you, so she's not treating you like a kid. She's simply trying to point you in the right direction.
I understand her being angry about you spending £500 on clothes but I don't know if you tried reaching out to her before you did it. Maybe you should not have spend that much all at one time. As for the college and work, it is understandable why she told you to go to college and get a job. She is so right about that. I mean come on, why spend £500 when you don't have a job. She definitely should keep an eye on your bank account because you are unemployed and spending a lot of money. Your family is trying to help you get a job. It seems as if they are trying to reach out and support you. You don't realize how good it is to have that big of a support system. To be honest, she does not sound as bad as you make her out to be. You have to find a career in college that you will not quit. How do you expect her to treat you like an adult when you quit courses that you do not like? College is not the most fun but don't you want to move out and be independent? It starts with graduating from college and getting in a good career field. Having a part time job will help her see that you're trying to become independent. As for the dating thing, she's probably afraid that you're going to get pregnant or married young so you won't go to college and get a job. She doesn't explain to you the reason she is acting that way so you are taking it all the wrong way. I don't think you should worry about dating right now. Focus on college and getting a job and not spending so much money so that you can prove to her that you can be a mature and independent adult.