Loyal's Thoughts

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
cbf retyping everything I typed out before, cant even remember it all.

In short what I had written out said that Im struggling with need to self harm.

That today I found out my uncle has been diagnosed with Bipolar and is hospitalized for attempting suicide. He was always the family member I thought was the sanest and most successful so its a bit of a shock.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Havent posted in a bit, my net was down for two weeks, I went down the coast for a weekend while it was down. Visited some family and an old friend, it was nice, despite the fact that the two pups get car sick.

Its my birthday today, I dont tend to take well to my birthdays really, this years nothing different. Started the day by scraping my car on a pole while trying to park. It now has a huge scrape on the side, I think its mostly paint off the pole, but I wont know til I get it buffed. I hope its not going to cost me too much.

I bought myself a cake, even lit a candle on it... It really just made me feel stupid and alone.

I hate birthdays.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I got a job. Its a casual housemaid job at a local motel. It is stressing me out a lot though, they expect you to do a room in 20 minutes and theres so much to do in a room that it takes me closer to 40 minutes. I know I'll get a bit faster once Im more used to it, Ive only done 3 shifts so far. But I dont think I will ever get fast enough to do it.

The part that stresses me out the most though is its an on call casual role, so I wont find out when im working until the day/night before Im due to work. So I only just found out that I have to work tomorrow morning at 7:30pm. The stress of not knowing if they are going to call me to come in, of waiting, of being given last minute shifts is already giving me anxiety. Its only my fourth shift tomorrow and this job already has me incredibly stressed out.

They said on average I'll only be getting 5 to 15 hours a week anyway, so Im wondering if its worth all the stress and anxiety. I just want to curl up and hide. I dont know if my job network worker (the lady who put me for the job) explained my mental issued so I have no idea of their tolerance of if I have anxiety attacks at work or am so depressed I cant come in in the mornings.

I hate how stressed this has already made me. I figured I'd be given weekly rosters with an occasional call to come in last minute. Not finding out last minute on every shift. This is crap.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Ended up losing the job anyway...

When I went in for my 4th shift I was quite sick so I asked to leave early (because I was very close to throwing up again) on my way home I stopped so I could speak to my job network lady with the intent of telling her the issues I was having, at which point she told me they were hiring someone else. I know I wasnt working at the speed they wanted yet, but I'd only done about 10 hours of work so I was still learning the ropes, that plus leaving early because I was ill was apparently a fire-able offence. They didnt even tell me personally, they still havent.

I was hating the job anyway, but I do feel a little pissed off that they didnt give me much of a chance.. Feeling like a bit of a failure too
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Two of my dogs got into a scuffle tonight, now I keep having panic attacks that things will escalate and it will be like it was with my ex's dog and one of my dogs. Im terrified that one will get hurt and I'll have to rehome one of them, or even two of them. My 3 dogs are my reason to keep going. The thought of losing one of them is utterly terrifying.

I've contacted a local dog trainer to see what her rates are to hopefully nip this situation before it reaches the point it did with my ex's dog.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I got ahold of my former animal studies teacher (The dog trainer) she suggested I keep the two that fought separated for 3 days, then try to reintegrate and reinforce the good behaviour. But if it happens again, and the trigger is undetermined or unavoidable then I have to make the choice to rehome one of my babies.

I spoke to my ex and if I do have to rehome one of my girls she wants to take her in. If I do rehome one, it would have to be the one who I got first because she is the one who is the problem, she is also the one who got into the fights with my ex's dog.

But rehoming at my ex's place isnt exactly ideal because thats where the other dog is that she fought with, but my ex would have a system where they take turns being outside and inside and whatnot. But its better than a stranger because at least I'd know she was loved and cared for.

and frankly what other options do I have? I keep her and keep her muzzled forever? I rehome her and risk her being put with someone who keeps her outside all the time or worse (being a staffy x the wrong sort of people are always interested in her).

Hopefully all this worrying is for nothing and after a few days it will all calm down and be ok and I wont have to get rid of any of them. But the prospect of it not working out for us is killing me. I've been anxious and stressing since last night. I've been feeling sick all morning, alternating between panic attacks and crying for the last few hours. I know my stress wont be helping the dogs to calm down. But I cant lose my babies. They are my whole world. My reason for living. I cant lose any of them... But I cant risk them being hurt either. I have to make the choice for whats best for them, even if it kills me
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Im so tired of life and all the bullshit that comes with it.

Every day I think how much easier it would be to just end it all. If I didnt have my dogs I wouldnt be able to keep holding on. Im just so tired of fighting through shit all the time.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Found out today that someone had stolen my identity and been using my tax file number. I found out before anything bad came of it and the problem is being sorted out. But I still just feel so frustrated with all the shit that I always have to deal with all the time.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Oh look, Im back again...

8 months on and so much has changed.

Living at my old place in Orange became quite unbearable, things with one of the neighbors was starting to get quite ugly. So when the safety of my dogs, and my own, was too much at risk I decided enough was enough, contacted my father, and two days later I was gone.

From renting a 3 bedroom house to living in half of my father's garage is quite a difference. But I'm in stable, if very small, accommodation where I dont have to worry about a break in/ or some sort of attack from the neighbors. I dont have to pay rent, just chip in for bills, so hopefully a few more months and I'll actually be financially stable.

On top of that Im back in Uni. At the encouragement of my friend I decided im going to try and shoot for my dream career, so Im first year at Uni again, though this time I enrolled at my local uni instead of having to do a 6 hour commute each day. I'm majoring in photography, but I have a lot of leeway with electives so Im probably going to minor in either Japanese or Creative writing (Or both).

Its only second week from tomorrow but I've been enjoying it. Im really nervous about tomorrow though, in my creative writing class I have to read out some work that I've written to the whole class and then they will critique it. Its a compulsory part of the class so I couldnt escape it, I also have to lead the discussion on this weeks readings. The thought of doing either is stressing me out a lot- I actually volunteered to go first though, because I wont have to live up to any prior work/performance and hopefully people will be too uncomfortable and unsure about critiquing another's work and so they will be more restrained then they will be in later weeks once they have gotten into the swing of things....

I got a fidget cube off ebay so hopefully that'll help me not shake/run out of the class...

Wish me luck
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
thanks guys

I'm really bad at sticking to posting, and yet I always come back.

I'm still living in half of my dads garage, and theres been no work on building a flat for me to live in in the back yard. But its a roof over my head, and more importantly my dogs head's, and its stable.

I finished my first semester at uni, though I wont get my final marks for a few weeks yet. I know I'll have passed 3 of my subjects, but my final Japanese exam was a real struggle, and i had panic attacks all throughout it so I really dont know if I will have passed it, and they have rules that if you dont pass all of the assessments you automatically fail the subject regardless of previous marks.

As usual my mental health is all over the place... My anxiety has been the biggest issue lately, Im hoping now that I have a few weeks until next semester I'll be able to at least get back to a slightly lower anxious state.

I've had an issue of developing feelings for a friend who is so far out of my league its a wonder she is even my friend. She's the thin, attractive, social butterfly, smart, everything else good type of person. Meanwhile Im the complete opposite of all of that... There are brief moments when I wonder if she is giving me signs that she feels something back but then my brain kicks in when Im alone and I realize its never going to happen and I'm lucky to even have her as a friend. I really hope this crushing crap leaves soon, coz she is essentially my only friend and I just want things to be normal in at least one aspect of my life.

I'm thinking I might need to go back to the doctors soon to either increase or change my meds.

I'm supposed to be going to a medieval fair type of thing this weekend, I've always wanted to go to one. But Im currently feeling like my friend is gonna cancel on me and I'm too paranoid to buy my ticket or start buying stuff for an outfit (we are meant to dress up as our characters from D&D - We play weekly with her mum and sister). I dont know if its just me being my usual self or if Im actually picking up on genuine signs that she is sick of having me hang around.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Also I dont know if I posted this revelation previously but I have since finally understood that my ex was an emotionally abusive person and since coming to such a revelation I have made her calls automatically go to voicemail and no longer send her photos of the dogs or contact her at all.

I found out a couple days ago that my uncle attempted suicide again, theres been some crazy family shit going on again and its really been getting to him. Apparently his wife is at her limit and may leave him. Im worried that if she does he will succeed in his suicide attempts :sad: I wish I could help but I dont think my presence would make a difference either way...
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
You know what is one of the worst things about having abandonment issues is... you end up being so worried about losing people you ultimately **** it all up and push them away and then not only do you end up alone again but its all because of you yet again...

I've been feeling extra down today... maybe I just need to go for a nice long drive and never come back... Sometimes I really wish I could find an island like in the Blue Lagoon but without the dangers... Just a paradise of sorts, where I can just live in peace, just me and my dogs and the land... I'd miss technology in the beginning but as long as I had my books, the land and the animals it'd be heaven... Sometimes I feel like the wolves in Wolf's Rain, searching only to suffer along the way and then die in the end
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
You know what is one of the worst things about having abandonment issues is... you end up being so worried about losing people you ultimately **** it all up and push them away and then not only do you end up alone again but its all because of you yet again...

I've been feeling extra down today... maybe I just need to go for a nice long drive and never come back... Sometimes I really wish I could find an island like in the Blue Lagoon but without the dangers... Just a paradise of sorts, where I can just live in peace, just me and my dogs and the land... I'd miss technology in the beginning but as long as I had my books, the land and the animals it'd be heaven... Sometimes I feel like the wolves in Wolf's Rain, searching only to suffer along the way and then die in the end

I can definitely related to those abandonment issues, as far as fear of losing people that ye push 'em away. I mean I do the same with my family. Though, my relationship hasn't been the best.

Oh, and sorry you're feeling really down today. I hope ye find summit to lift yer spirit. Can't really suggest anything, since I'm kinda the same. Though, I've been getting back into music production and song-writing, lately. So, at least, I've got that to take ma mind off my problems.

Though, that said the idea of living in peace on a desert island doesnae sound too bad. :thumbup: Though, I wouldn't know what I'd take with me. :idontknow: :bigsmile:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I can definitely related to those abandonment issues, as far as fear of losing people that ye push 'em away. I mean I do the same with my family. Though, my relationship hasn't been the best.

I feel you there, sometimes it really feels like families are the hardest relationships and you end up :kickingmyself:
 
Also I dont know if I posted this revelation previously but I have since finally understood that my ex was an emotionally abusive person and since coming to such a revelation I have made her calls automatically go to voicemail and no longer send her photos of the dogs or contact her at all.
:thumbup:

.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I really enjoyed the medieval fair, though there werent as many people dressed up as my mate had led me to believe so I was extra self conscious, thankfully I had a large cloak to hide in most of the time haha. Being around that many people was quite taxing and I ended up sleeping for a solid 11 hours and have been ready to go back to bed since I woke, but I did enjoy it and Im glad I went.

Going to visit my uncle tomorrow, hopefully he has been holding up alright. My grandma is up at the moment too so it'll be good to see her too. Though I imagine Wednesday will be another recovery from socializing kind of day.

Its 4:30am and I really should try and sleep, my alarm will be going off in about 5 hours :eek:mg:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I really wish I was better at understanding and interpreting subtle social signals. I never know what people are really feeling and it leads to my mind getting both too hopeful and too paranoid. Maybe it would be easier if people just said shit instead of it all being done in subtle signals :question: :kickingmyself:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I think I get my final results tomorrow... It'll be good to get the worrying over with... That last exam was hell and I need to know if I passed...
 
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