Just an update, and possibly some helpful information to those suffering more than me.
I haven't posted here in a while, mostly due to a lot of stress being taken off of me. Instead of flooding this message board with cries for help, I am doing other things I enjoy (actually). I have been seeing a good therapist for 8 months or so now, who I can speak openly and honestly to about my intrusive thoughts of harming children. I still have some distorted thinking in my way I need to adress, but she has helped me to discover that I was paying may too much attention to disturbing thoughts. It got so bad that, at my worst, I was afraid to leave the house for fear of suddenly grabbing a child or doing something horrible spontaneously that was seemingly out of my control. I was living in terror inside my head. So I eventually faced my thoughts head-on and came to the realization that thoughts alone are harmless. As a particularly unsettling side affect of pedophilia OCD, I now have learned to accept that I might have an unwanted attraction to children. However, I am fairly sure the thoughts will disappear in the future. A lot of them have already wen't away. I see them as a culmination of stress and my prior intense, built-up fear (over years) of children. Now that I have reduced stress, I can work on the problem as a result of it. The key is differentiating thoughts from actions and knowing yourself...knowing you would never do such a thing and moving forward. There is nothing I can do to stop my thoughts except nurture myself, not feed them and continue to work on improving them through adult fantasies. Hope this helps someone...
I haven't posted here in a while, mostly due to a lot of stress being taken off of me. Instead of flooding this message board with cries for help, I am doing other things I enjoy (actually). I have been seeing a good therapist for 8 months or so now, who I can speak openly and honestly to about my intrusive thoughts of harming children. I still have some distorted thinking in my way I need to adress, but she has helped me to discover that I was paying may too much attention to disturbing thoughts. It got so bad that, at my worst, I was afraid to leave the house for fear of suddenly grabbing a child or doing something horrible spontaneously that was seemingly out of my control. I was living in terror inside my head. So I eventually faced my thoughts head-on and came to the realization that thoughts alone are harmless. As a particularly unsettling side affect of pedophilia OCD, I now have learned to accept that I might have an unwanted attraction to children. However, I am fairly sure the thoughts will disappear in the future. A lot of them have already wen't away. I see them as a culmination of stress and my prior intense, built-up fear (over years) of children. Now that I have reduced stress, I can work on the problem as a result of it. The key is differentiating thoughts from actions and knowing yourself...knowing you would never do such a thing and moving forward. There is nothing I can do to stop my thoughts except nurture myself, not feed them and continue to work on improving them through adult fantasies. Hope this helps someone...
