Male shyness

Anonymous

Well-known member
How does shyness effect men differently form the way that it effects women?

Are shy men weaker than non shy women?

Please explain in detail to both points
 

GettingThere

Well-known member
On the first point I would comment that it affects males differently in two obvious ways.
Firstly, in that I believe it is more difficult in that more often than not (not always but usually) it is the male who has to approach the female in the process of procuring a date or whatever, i.e. it is more likely that a female with SP would meet males than visa versa.
Secondly, I believe that there is a social stigma attached to the perception of a male being "weak" because of shyness but that things are not as bad for shy females.
[just personal thoughts, open for debate]
 

tommydog

Well-known member
yer i dont agree mate.

i think that both males and females stuggle equally. It can be harder on males because many of us have a tough image to uphold .. which prevents us talking and seeking help, and it can be harder for females for many reasons aswell.

bottom line .. it aint fun for no one !

plus i dont think an sp chick is necessarily more likely to be dating than a guy with sp ... to meet people you gotta socialise .. and people with sp struggle with that obviously regardless of gender
 

SomeGuy

Member
Shyness is hard on everyone.

A shy woman is much more likely to form romantic relationships than a shy man, though. If someone is 40 and has never kissed anyone, that someone is almost always male (which is not to downplay the pain of women who find themselves in this position - being unusual is no comfort)
 

arlequin

Well-known member
In my opinion it's the same for either male and female. But to tell you the truth I've seen much more shy males than females.
 

stever

Member
Shyness affects both men and women not allowing them going after what they want. Obviously, shy men are more likely to be single than shy women as it's the man who usually starts the conversation or the social interaction...
 
Having seen threads like this before, it's likely going to turn into a heated discussion. But from the previous times I think we'd established that shyness, on a large scale, affects people the same way; general discomfort when trying to achieve goals with a social element, potentially causing failure through that discomfort.

I think rather then men and women experiencing shyness differently, I think every single individual experiences it differently. One doesn't have it easier then the other, because the disadvantages are experienced from people's personal standards/views.

The grass is always greener on the other side.
 

bleach

Banned
obviously it is a much greater difficult for men because male dominated networks are hierarchical. shyness is a sign of voluntary (if unconscious) submission, and there is no reason a man would accept a lower role in society unless he actually is weaker in some way. in women shyness can also signal submissiveness, but the difference is there is nothing shameful or disadvantageous for them to hold a low status in society-- it has little bearing on their desirability. a womand her womb are innately valuable, a man, quite easily disposable.
 

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
One is not weaker than the other, but it would be foolish to think one is not more socially acceptable than the other, and can be an influencing factor in how it effects either gender.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Some people think shy women who blush are kinda cute. But when a man blushes, it's considered "unmanly" and weak.
 

bleach

Banned
One is not weaker than the other, but it would be foolish to think one is not more socially acceptable than the other, and can be an influencing factor in how it effects either gender.

right, a weak woman will always find strong men to protect her. a weak man will either be exploited by stronger men(and still unloved by women), or cast out of the tribe to die alone.
 

JackOfSpades

Well-known member
One of the most cited traits for desirability that women tend to list is confidence. Inside of intimate encounters women tend to prefer dominance-this fuels an entire genre of best selling fiction (50 shades of gray, anyone?). So I don't think the burdens it brings is totally equally distributed against all categories. Different, maybe not less or more, but definitely different. But life is never truly equal or fair group to group or even person to person. Just different.
 
obviously it is a much greater difficult for men because male dominated networks are hierarchical. shyness is a sign of voluntary (if unconscious) submission, and there is no reason a man would accept a lower role in society unless he actually is weaker in some way. in women shyness can also signal submissiveness, but the difference is there is nothing shameful or disadvantageous for them to hold a low status in society-- it has little bearing on their desirability. a womand her womb are innately valuable, a man, quite easily disposable.

I have to agree with this. I do think one gender has it easier, and it's women. For the reasons mentioned above and by vj288.
 

Richey

Well-known member
its imporant to be able to have input and to be able to react with sarcasm/comebacks if you work in a blue colar/trade type job, or any job where you work closely with other people.

although, laughing can be enough, you can just be known as the quiet one who laughs alot and you can choose when to have input. because alot of the really chatty people like to be the chatty ones and will accept all kinds of different personalities.

being able to react with comebacks is really all you need to survive and it can be something really simple.

but its not essential, most of the time people will accept you no matter how loud or quiet you are.

i have also met a few people who are really quiet at work and talk alot out of work, and visa versa, the other way around, which really throws up the concept of how we view quiet/loud.

the main issue is whether you are comfortable being either, is the problem more that you become jealous or envious of certain personalities which means you can try to emulate the people who are getting more attention.

if you are really struggling then start small. maybe do some classes in communication and join some hobby groups. learn through trial and error, through getting past awkward conversations and learning your way through it.

there is this story about a famous band. i wont mention the name, but you'd know them. so the bass player used to be the show off!! always had something to say about everything and would dominate tv interviews etc. the drummer was the quieter and conceded one at the time.

fifteen years later, things change and those two musicians are the opposites of that now. the really outgoing one is now the quiet and mellow one and the quieter musician in the band is now the show off!!

this shows you that perhaps it doesn't really matter how you are as long as you can feel some contentment inside yourself, and remember that people change over a few years, some stay the same, personalities vary, people show different sides depending on their comfort zone and environments they are thrown into.

its hard to wrap your head around it in the moment though which is when people start to feel negative, so maybe try to feel positive and content about being quiet in certain environments, like say, at work, at a relatives, at a certain party, around condescending people etc. Because its not your comfort zone and maybe you dont need to say much anyway.

Also back yourself. If you are quiet in certain scenarios then its probably because intuitively the situation is REALLY uncomfortable and your natural reaction is correct or warranted. At work this is common, there is a fakeness there and there is politics around you. Maybe its around people that are intimidating or an intimidating environment, like if you are at a club that feels a bit "too cool for school", or at a gym, in a crowded area perhaps.

Who says you have to be relaxed and confident all the time, maybe you are that way only when the situation feels right for you. There is nothing wrong with that.

So remember to give yourself some acceptance, don't feel down for being quiet, because there is a you that is relaxed and chatty, given the right situation. ITs just that some people have tapped into a personality that can access being outgoing when they want it, which would have come through some form of conditioning or lifestyle they had, maybe they had a friend that taught them to be more chatty.
 
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OceanMist

Well-known member
Well, many of you already know where I stand with this. There is no question it's easier being a shy female than being a shy male.

As someone mentioned b4, the dating thing is a big deal, shy men tend to have a much harder time with dating due to gender roles. Guys usually have to take a more assertive role and create conversation especially if they are shy because they find themselves "out of the loop" often. This is hard for many men (talking to women that they don't know), even men that aren't even shy, so you can imagine how it's 10 times harder for a man that is shy.

Men and women in general can have a hard time relating to eachother, so adding that natural weirdness doesn't make things any easier. I saw a good article on that online. I'll see if I can find it again. It just talks about how men and women can have trouble relating to eachother due to the preferences of each gender. Then there is the obvious different interests (example: many men like sports, many women could care less about sports).

The other thing that makes it harder is that a man is expected to fit the "manly profile." That manly profile can be related to the alpha male, and the main thing it consists of is talking a lot, which unfortunately doesn't come natural to many shy men. It's not just women that expect a man to be socially confident, but often other men expect the same. This often gives the shy man a "weak" label if he is quiet. As someone said b4, there is a stigma attached to the shy, quiet man.

I don't like how people always bring up the "it's hard for everyone" thing. That kind of devalues it when people really do have it harder than others. It's like telling someone in a wheelchair that "everyone has it hard." Why would you say something like that to someone suffering? It doesn't help.

You can't honestly tell me that everyone is struggling on a somewhat equal level. I'm sorry, but that's total BS.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
On a positive note, I think I like shy men. It used to be that I'm into the more talkative, overly confident, bragging type but now, my interests have changed. I find myself gravitating towards the shy, mysterious type of guy.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
Men have it harder when it comes to shyness.

We all have our burden from what socialization in our (mostly westernized) culture expects from us and how it judges us if we don't meet those expectations.

In respect to shyness/timidity/social phobia/anxiety - yes I *do* think men have it harder. I also disagree that 'it's hard for everyone equally the same' - we don't live in an equal world. Women and men both have it hard in different areas - but in response to the question of shyness, absolutely men have it harder.

The only reason why questions like these cause heated debates and arguing is because of the emotional resentment attached to these types of discussions.
 
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JackOfSpades

Well-known member
Well, many of you already know where I stand with this. There is no question it's easier being a shy female than being a shy male...
I agree with a lot in that post. I do think men probably have it harder, and I do think we are suffering on different levels. But in keeping with something else you said, if the man in the wheelchair says to the man without an arm "I have it harder than you", that's where there's a problem. And I think that's more apt an analogy and essentially what this thread is.

Also I think its important the distinction is made that difference and inequality are not the same thing. Sometimes the perception is that drawing distinctions in gender places the two on footing that is no longer equal.
 
The only reason why questions like these cause heated debates and arguing is because of the emotional resentment attached to these types of discussions.

Very true. Seems like it's that way no matter what you are talking about. It's less about facts and more about feelings.
 
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