Mutiny of the soul

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I found this article to be so comforting I wanted to share it with you guys. I struggle with anxiety and depression and have trouble getting out of bed a lot. I know that my sadness is due to my life being as it is, not a chemical imbalance because when I am happy I am very happy. I am anxious and depressed for a reason. I don't want to take meds to mask it because I want to work through this time and come out on the other side stronger for it. I want to live an authentic life not be medicated to stay trapped in a bad for me one. This article spoke to me more than anything I have read for years. It was like it was written for me, which never happens. Maybe some of you can relate to this too?

Mutiny of the Soul
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I have decided to make this my thread for my thoughts to go again, though anyone can comment if they have something nice to say.

___________________________________________________________________________

I think I definitely have Clinomania. I admit it. How did this happen? I used to climb mountains, raft rivers, ride horses all over the hills. It's like I am an entirely different person now. I suppose I know how it happened but I am not believing it IS happening.
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
It was a very long article and it took me forever to read it, but I read the whole thing and it was worth my time. I wish I wrote it. It makes me want to meet the author in a coffee shop and have a long conversation.

Though I think depression might be triggered by more "physical" things like inertia and bad nutrition, I think the guilty party is mostly our life style, so at a certain degree, I believe what the article says about the "soul" rebelling against the system, or at least I understand what it means and I share that opinion, since this is the way I always felt.

As for the conclusion, I would say I don't agree when he says all individuals are special and are here on earth for something magnificient, because I feel like it's wrong to consider ourselves so important when as a matter of fact we are not. But I suppose it depends on the definition of special and magnificient. I guess we could say we are special as it only means we are all different. If we expect to save lives and win a nobel prize, we will be disappointed, but if we get off the main road to go on our own journey and end up living the way we want even if it goes against the flow, since the flow goes the wrong way, this can be seen as magnificient, and this way I understand what he means.

Anyway, thanks for sharing it.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Thanks for commenting :) Oh I agree, how can we all be so special right? I think maybe it's that we are here and that we were formed during that fertilization process that makes it pretty rare I guess...I struggle with that too. My negative, pessimist, self-hating side thinks my life is really just a cosmic mistake. But my positive, happy, life is good side thinks the opposite-how wonderful it is to be human, we are so special and unique. I struggle with this a lot, myself.

I looked up the author and found he has a free copy of one of his books online here. I might give it a bit of a go.

Full text - Ascent of Humanity
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
^Haha I did exactly the same thing, I'll try to read it too, it looks interesting. There's also a bunch of essays on his website, if I can't go through the book I might try to read these instead.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I cannot believe I waited so long to move. I love the conveniences of living close to things. It used to take 45 mins down a gravel road to get to a damn Safeway. Now it's 10 mins to everything. This is taking some getting used to for sure. God I do miss the quiet though. I could go for months with out seeing a soul where I used to live. I suppose that is bad for me but damn I don't miss people at all. No matter how you shake it. They bore me to tears usually. One day I will move back to a place where there is nothing but nature surrounding me. That is where I feel the happiest. No amt of human interaction can ever full-fill me like good old peace and quiet and nature.
 

S_Spartan

Well-known member
I cannot believe I waited so long to move. I love the conveniences of living close to things. It used to take 45 mins down a gravel road to get to a damn Safeway. Now it's 10 mins to everything. This is taking some getting used to for sure. God I do miss the quiet though. I could go for months with out seeing a soul where I used to live. I suppose that is bad for me but damn I don't miss people at all. No matter how you shake it. They bore me to tears usually. One day I will move back to a place where there is nothing but nature surrounding me. That is where I feel the happiest. No amt of human interaction can ever full-fill me like good old peace and quiet and nature.

I can relate. With every year it becomes more and more obvious that me and people do not mix.
 

Nanita

Well-known member
Thanks for sharing that article.
Several things stood out and resonated with me.

we stay in jobs that leave us feeling dead in order to gain the assurance of staying alive. . . When we choose health insurance over passion, we are choosing survival over life.
Spot on.
 
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Kiwong

Well-known member
Glad the move has been good for you.

At a workshop I went to, everyone was asked where they would rather live, a small town or the big city. My answer was the big city, I love the anonymity of the big city, no one knows me, and my mind become free. I live in a town, not that small, but to me it feels like a gold-fish bowl, and everyone knows everyone, and it seems me too, and they judge and talk. I hate it.

My real preference would to live on a property somewhere next to the wildnerness with a menagerie of pets for company.
 

Nanita

Well-known member
Glad the move has been good for you.

At a workshop I went to, everyone was asked where they would rather live, a small town or the big city. My answer was the big city, I love the anonymity of the big city, no one knows me, and my mind become free. I live in a town, not that small, but to me it feels like a gold-fish bowl, and everyone knows everyone, and it seems me too, and they judge and talk. I hate it.

My real preference would to live on a property somewhere next to the wildnerness with a menagerie of pets for company.

I feel the same way. Living in a big city can be nice because I can hide or dissapear and people don't care about what clothes I wear and so on. And in some big cities there is a lot of inspiring art, music and underground culture, which is something I miss. I currently live in a town that isn't that small but it also isn't big... I feel like nothing really interesting is going on here, and people tend to notice and sometimes ridicule the few people that stand out of the ordinary. I definitely can't hide in any crowds here.
But I like nature so much more than cities. I guess what I really want is to live surrounded by nature and animals.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Thanks for sharing that article.
Several things stood out and resonated with me.

we stay in jobs that leave us feeling dead in order to gain the assurance of staying alive. . . When we choose health insurance over passion, we are choosing survival over life.
Spot on.

Hi Nanna :)

Yes I'd say 90% of my life personally has been just that, survival and not living. I think about ending it all almost daily for the last 5 yrs it has been so bad. I have too many issues with things in myself to be one of those go after your passion people though, which in turn leaves me depressed. So anxiety makes me depressed and depression leads to feeling life isn't worth living. A pretty sad way to exsist, really. I do get brief glimpse of what it would be like to be anxiety and depression free sometimes lasting maybe a few mins and they are really special but they are hard to make the reason to be alive.
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Yes, me too Kiwong, I would love to move some where extremely isolated and just be with animals and nature. I know this will probably never happen though.
 

Nanita

Well-known member
Hi Nanna :)

Yes I'd say 90% of my life personally has been just that, survival and not living. I think about ending it all almost daily for the last 5 yrs it has been so bad. I have too many issues with things in myself to be one of those go after your passion people though, which in turn leaves me depressed. So anxiety makes me depressed and depression leads to feeling life isn't worth living. A pretty sad way to exsist, really. I do get brief glimpse of what it would be like to be anxiety and depression free sometimes lasting maybe a few mins and they are really special but they are hard to make the reason to be alive.

Hi you ..... <3 ;)
I know, it's just bloody hard to be living like this. I also think about ending it very often, actually it's my automatic go-to scenario in my mind, the relief of leaving this life. I don't think I'd ever end it though, I really don't have the guts to do anything that drastic.
I get those glimpses too, I can feel pretty good sometimes, but it doesn't last, and somehow the negative feelings seem more real and stable to me.

I am full of nervosuness and worries every day. And if I go anywhere or do anything, it causes new worries and nervous breakdowns. I can't handle life, basically.
And god I feel so depressed and it feels pointless to do anything. The things I do don't lead to other things, you know what I mean? Pointless isolated activities. Like, 'paint a picture'... why, it doesn't mean anything to me or lead to anything. Or to write a song, why, just to have a song? I feel it's pointless.
The same with frienships or family relations; on the rare occasion that I'm with a person, it is just a few hours of being with a person, it doesn't become a strong connection or friendship, it's weak, it's nothing almost. I might as well never see that person again, we don't have a stable real friendship. Even if I visit someone and stay with them for 2 days, I feel wrong, disconnected, like we're not building anything. Small useless attempts of becoming friends with someone. Why even try??! It's pointless!

And whenever I'm presented with possibilities, it feels like pressure and if I do try, I usually fail. At this point it feels pointless to wake up everyday, eat food, do my laundry, stay alive .... And not even being able to live with a good health, oh no, of course on top of everything else I also have a bad health. But actually I remember when I had a better health, I was just as depressed as now..

Aaaaarrrghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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MollyBeGood

Well-known member
The water at my new place is a million times better than the old place I used to live. I cannot stop running my fingers through my hair LoL It makes such a huge difference though. Not to mention my skin feels so much better too. When i got out of the shower at my old house I would feel like i had washed myself in ajax the water was so mineral latent. That would be the negative of well water vs city. I suppose a water softener would have been a solution.
 

Nanita

Well-known member
The water at my new place is a million times better than the old place I used to live. I cannot stop running my fingers through my hair LoL It makes such a huge difference though. Not to mention my skin feels so much better too. When i got out of the shower at my old house I would feel like i had washed myself in ajax the water was so mineral latent. That would be the negative of well water vs city. I suppose a water softener would have been a solution.

Wow.. interesting. I don't know much about the quality of the water where I live, but my hair and skin is in a bad condition so what do you say I come to your house for a shower?
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Yep the amt of minerals can reek serious havock on ones skin, drying it out completely by stripping all of the oils off of it and the worst part is the mineral deposits. Your hair picks up on those minerals and they remain there, in the case of hair being really,really porous, the hair soaks it in even. After a few weeks on softer, less mineral- full water I have my hair back literally. The body, shine and softness I have lost over the last 3 yrs is coming back. My skin doesn't feel like a reptiles anymore either.

Yes of course you can use my shower and my new tub is a jacuzzi so you can have a bottle of wine and soak for as long as you need. When ya coming over?! We can marathon watch a bunch of shows too :)
 

Nanita

Well-known member
Yep the amt of minerals can reek serious havock on ones skin, drying it out completely by stripping all of the oils off of it and the worst part is the mineral deposits. Your hair picks up on those minerals and they remain there, in the case of hair being really,really porous, the hair soaks it in even. After a few weeks on softer, less mineral- full water I have my hair back literally. The body, shine and softness I have lost over the last 3 yrs is coming back. My skin doesn't feel like a reptiles anymore either.

Yes of course you can use my shower and my new tub is a jacuzzi so you can have a bottle of wine and soak for as long as you need. When ya coming over?! We can marathon watch a bunch of shows too :)

woohoo I'm coming right over NOW :perfect:
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Why is it that things can only seem to go well for blocks of 10 mins, max combined time of maybe 50 mins a day? What is the point?? If it was bad all of the time at least I wouldn't be surprised, but I have to get these little teasers of feeling good and it makes me feel worse in the long run because there isn't enough to sustain me.
 
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