My parents ruined me - How do i change myself now?

BC-chick

Banned
my parents never paid attention to me. event though they say they did but i "pushed them away."

i always felt lonely and not cared for.

i wanted to kill myself because i felt so lonely and depressed since i was 10 years old.
what kind or 10 year old feels suicidal?
i was bullied in grades 5 and 6.

In my early teens, i got some good friends but i still distanced myself from my family, mostly because my mom would make fun of me herself. I would become easily jealous of my female friends. i was jealous that they had a nice happy family and i didn't.

everything was about my younger sibling in my family. i have a step father that never made me feel like his own although he never abused me, he just ignored me. i am 24 years old and i still don't know my father or his family. my mother refuses to talk to me about him. i am on facebook and my real father and relatives knows my name and they have NEVER added me on there i mean, they're not even curious to see what i look like now.

anyways,

well now i am an adult and i am married. I hate going to my own house because im afraid i will run into my step dad (we never talk) and it would be awkward. i hate bringing my man there cuz i hate pretending were a happy family.

his family is very different then mine, his family is big, religious and always together. i hate going to his house too cuz i when i see him happy with his family it just reminds me of what i don't have..of what i NEVER had. i've told him all this but he thinks it's easy to just get over it. All my life i have been jealous of my friends to the point that i lost everyone in my life bcuz of my jealousy. i don't have many good friends now. All my life i've wanted to get married and have kids. to have my OWN family. My hubby is not ready yet. he said in 2 years we can have kids.

we just found out his sister is 5 mths pregnant and i feel jealous. i feel like everything is about her. i am not getting any attention. i feel like i need to get pregnant too just to get some attention from people. i cant take it anymore. everyday they're always talking about the new baby coming and i have to see all this baby toys and sh$#%T^%.

I hate his family i wish it was just me and him. i really want to move to another state just so we don't have to deal with them every day. by the way i have developed social phobia because of all this happening in my life. i just didn't go outside with people anymore, afraid that i will get hurt or i would get jealous of people around me. the only person i trust if my hubby. i just wanna kill myself seriously because there's NO CURE to my jealousy i cant live like this..

i don't know what my question is but i feel really hopeless. i cannot put my past behind me because it's affecting me right now. I feel like i always need attention. I've always been obsessed with my past boyfriends. I put too much thought into things and then get jealous. i dont know how to live a jealous-free life. i cannot stop feeling sorry for myself
 

DeadmanWalking

Well-known member
"What kind of 10 year old feels suicidal?" Some do, including this one. I had those feelings myself at that age. I felt as if I were worthless, ugly, stupid, and a waste of space. I thought that, if I killed myself, I would be doing the world a favor. I thought that no one would care if I were dead or alive. The thoughts still come back from time to time, but I'm doing my best to fight them.

What helped me was talking to a therapist and just coming to appreciate what I have. Try to set up an appointment with a therapist and talk about what's on your mind because it sounds like you've got some heavy shackles around your legs. It would also help if you stop focusing on what everyone else has and focus on what you have. You have a man who loves you and wants to have a family with you (not right now, but in the future). He most likely just wants to get to know you and make sure that you're the one he wants to settle down with and have babies with. Not a lot of people have that, you know. Sit him down one day and talk to him about how you feel. Tell him everything you just said right now.
 

Boby

Well-known member
If read it all...but i don't know what to say , I personally didn't have any problems with my family being the only child. I think you should ignore your father family ...my cousin is in a similar situation as you and she never saw her father relatives and she doesn't care and she is happy with the family that she has right now.
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
You obviously cannot talk to your parents and it seems that you are also unable to talk to your husband about this, and that is a recipe for disaster.

I do not know how much time you have to spend with your husband alone to talk about things such as this, but if his family is like mine you probably do not have any time together alone.

You have to sit down and sort this out with you husband first. If you want a real family of your own, this is where it should start.

You also have to decide how much you want to be involved with your own family.

Go and see a therapist, alone or with your husband, if you do not sort this out you will lose him as well.
 

cosmosis

Well-known member
Hi,

Alot of this sounds oddly familiar. I had parents that completely ignored me and were distant and I ended up pushing them away at a very young age. I know this greatly affected me. I'm always trying to prove everything to the world just to be loved. Anyway, I'm married now too. I wanted kids at the beginning of the marriage, but my wife has issues of her own and was scared to be a mom, so I had to wait as well. She is now 3 months pregnant though and I have a whole host of issues now I'm trying to deal with so I can be a better parent - mainly I don't want to do what my parents did to me. I'm really trying to pratice sincere unconditional love and there's a lot I've learned lately. Anyway, send me a message, maybe we can help eachother out.
 
I read it all. I really want to give you the biggest hug right now.

I can relate to the being so uncomfortable around families. And 'no family' was in my search criteria for a while lol.

Im sorry you had a tough time. For your own sake you need to stop blaming your family. As long as you blame them for ruining your life, your family will have ruined your life. Your family have control. The past is crap. It is. Its really sad. But you are responsible for your life now. Take control back.

Have you thought about talking to someone? Do you have any support outside of this forum?
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Hey BC chick!

Yeah, I was pretty miserable as a kid some of the time too, especially as a teen... Then things got better...
My dad can at times be really... err, annoying - and some others can be even worse, so maybe you're better off without yours?? (That may be a cruel thing to say, a friend actually did find out about her father - her mum wanted nothing to do with him, the friend later wanted nothing to do with him either... later after his death she did meet some half-siblings... a half-sister looked her up...
after what she told me, I can understand why none of them wanted nothing with him - they say he was violent, and the kid/s that did grow up with him (of course he turned violent with them too-?? abuse and such-??!!) turned up even way worse yikes, with even more problems!!
So, you never know what you might be dealing with-?

Personally I'd try to convince my mum to tell me the truth, whatever it was... (maybe she was ashamed of her 'sinful past' before she met your step-dad, some people even honestly don't know who the father might be... if they had more partners, or went to drunken parties or such-?? maybe there was rape or incest - hope not, but you never know...?)

It's not good if your mum was making fun of you - maybe she didn't realize what she was doing, or maybe she held some hostility to your dad inside, and didn't know how to deal with it? Did your mum ever have any counselling or such?

If/when you do get counselling, maybe a counsellor could talk with her too, or help you find biological dad if that's what you truly wish - if you were prepared to accept ANY scenario - even some that I mentioned above?? I think there are some services that can help find biological parents too? (except if they were anonymous donors - then legislation here says they can't give info, this is probably different in different countries.. There is still a non-profit of kids looking for biological parents, maybe there's something like that where you live too? Maybe they could help you?)

I often wished to have a 'happy family' too... My mum and dad were together, but always quarelling!! (And that can be even worse!!) I sometimes 'wished' they'd divorce just so they'd stop shouting yikes!!
So if you see 'happy families' - you never know what goes on behind 4 walls!!

I often felt they liked my younger sis better too - it can just be because she was 'the new kid' - a baby needs more care and attention than a bigger kid... Also, I have a temper and she - not so much, so we often clashed... (Again, I had both parents although dad was absent a lot, many older siblings feel that way, oldest sister of 4 felt totally neglected, her parents were just busy with work and with other kids and activities, they loved all the kids a lot!! And the mum just had a sarcastic personality!!)

Having a kid just to fill the 'void', and being alone and isolated elsewhere... I'm not sure if that's a good idea... My mum was away from relatives here, and often miserable and lonely (dad was away from home a lot). 'It takes a whole village to raise a kid' and you better have a support system or you may burn out!! (Or are you very rich & can afford nannies and childcare? Even then, sometimes kids can be ill, need to go home from kindergarten etc. It's good to have some help and 'backup' to look after them sometimes..)

Some (older) people/relatives can go 'baby crazy' - my mum too, and she would often fawn over other people's babies, I often felt 'neglected' then and like I 'should' have a baby too...
Some can go 'fake' too - cause you're supposed to go... 'Aww adorable'... yeah?

If you truly feel ready for a kid (and maybe after talking to a counsellor and/or non-profit etc and dealing with all this) maybe it'd be good to talk to your husband... I kinda 'wanted' to have kids at 19 or so, but everyone kept saying 'too soon, finish school first' and then later I didn't want anymore, and family got hugely disappointed!! Would he be allright with it if in 2 years you changed your mind & wouldn't want kids anymore? Also, I'm not saying this to put you 'on the wrong track' but 'accidents can happen' (hm?)
Still, it's good to sort things out emotionally first so you wouldn't be using a baby as a 'crutch' - you need to be a strong independent woman and a happy mama can give a much happier childhood to a kid too!!

Take care BC chick!! Hope things turn out well for you!!
Please try to find some help in RL too!! A counsellor and/or non-profit that could help?
 
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powerfulthoughts

Well-known member
bc-chick, I can relate to horrible family life. My childhood and family dynamic was a monstrosity. I can tell you that progress can be made if you are willing to exert a lot of mental and spiritual energy and effort. Introspection is a good thing. Facing your emotions and feelings is a very painful thing to accept and admit, but facing them and feeling them is really the only way to healing. Pushing yourself spiritually must be done. I believe spiritual satisfaction is the foundation for all mental and physical well being as well.

Be kind to yourself. Don't blame yourself. You are a victim, but in a way we all are. It's okay to feel hurt and jealous and anger, but there must be some sort of way that you relax your mind and let these feelings go. Visualize peace, and you will become that.

The more you stress out over your feelings, the worse they will be aggravated. Be humble. By humble I mean accept that these things are weighing on you, and just let them come out. Don't repress them. One of the best things you can do, I believe, is to continuously write down your feelings, as this shows that you care about yourself. Writing and expressing your thoughts is a component of healing.

You are a person of great value and worth. It is possible to deeply love who you are as a person, you just have too much of a hardened shell covering the beauty of your heart. Never, ever give up, because there is always a way to break that shell. Just keep searching.

Best regards to you, I truly hope you can find wellness.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Yeah, journalling and EFT & TAT and reading books like Louise Hay etc helped me A LOT too...

Also when I found out a bit about mum and dad's history, how THEY were growing up, what kind of life they had etc. (as small kids and later) It was easier to UNDERSTAND if not appreciate...
I confronted them a bit too, but they didn't seem very understanding or apologetic about the past - so I just kinda stopped expecting it... Reading books on CBT has helped me A LOT too... Some books say to just accept other people may be imperfect/neurotic/difficult etc. It would all probably go easier for you with the help of a good understanding counsellor... I just did it DIY kinda...

Maybe it could help you to find a support group or such too?
 

Ashiene

Well-known member
me too. im completely consumed by jealousy. jealousy of my sister who got all the good traits from my parents while i get all my parents bad habits and bad traits, and shes complete opposite of me. jealous also of all the other people around me. my jealousy has evolved into anger, which then turned into hatred, making me a misanthrope.
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Changing yourself as an adult takes time and alot of insight-- but you can only have such insight if you are self aware and understand why you have the problems and insecurities that you have.

note:
You have married into a family-- you say you 'never had a close family', but you have one now. You are a part of the family, now.
You can choose to see it as a blessing rather than a reminder of what you didn't have as a child.
 

montejocarlo

Well-known member
i wish i was your friend and could be there for you at times like this. i can think of some advice for you right now. but i understand that there are moments in life that require more than just words and reason. i don't really know you (i was kinda surprised to find you on my friends list), but i can feel your pain and i honestly wanna help. please tell me if there's anything i can do- like if you need someone's full attention for an hour or two, just pm me... and for whatever it's worth, i'd feel bad if i find out you did something to hurt yourself.

we sometimes expect more from the people we love because we would be willing to do so much more for them. i think they're lucky to have you, but they're unfortunate not to realize it. if i happened to be one of those people, i'd make sure to take care of you.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
Compelled to edit this one (for silliness reasons) :) hm


Maybe you could just accept you're a woman with interesting past & the future is 'in your hands'? :)
 
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