My social phobia/social anxiety disorder

Hello, everyone.

I am afflicted with social phobia/social anxiety disorder (SAD). I stay inside my small one-bedroom apartment 99% of the time because of the crippling effects of my SAD. I have to literally force myself to do simple things which involve social interaction that most people take for granted such as going to the grocery store, talking on the phone, etc... My home is both my refuge and my prison.

I want to be around people because I desperately need that support and human contact. Yet, at the same time, I shun people because of my SAD. It is a "catch 22" for me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't! The thing I need the most (social contact) is also the thing that causes me the most anxiety! This is waaaaay beyond mere shyness for me. This is living hell that I would not wish upon my worst enemy! My SAD gets in my way and causes me to isolate myself. It has screwed up my life because it has negatively impacted every single part of it. I HATE IT!!!

I don't really have any friends in real life. The contact which I have with my boyfriend (who lives with me) is the main real life human contact that I have... besides going to the grocery store. Everyone else who I care about (family and friends) live in different states. I keep in touch with them through emails. Also, I make the effort to call my dad on the phone once per month. I have an active social life online, but not in real life. Communicating with people online is where I feel the most comfortable. It is where I can be myself because I am behind a computer screen and not in front of a person. My SAD kicks my butt when I am around people (I am fine as long as I am not dealing with people!). I have good days and bad days with my SAD. My apartment and my computer are both my safety zones.

As a result of my SAD, I am just merely existing... NOT living! Being afflicted with SAD is no way to live! It is sad to say, but I might as well be dead. The reason why I am still alive is because I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would not take my own life and that I would never give up. This is a glimpse into my life living with SAD.

Despite the fact that I am isolated, have no real life friends and also suffering tremendously as my SAD is gradually getting worse and worse... I want to do something useful with it by letting other people who are afflicted with this hideous disorder know that they are NOT alone and I know exactly what they are going through.

I recently made a video which I am talking about my life with SAD and how it affects me. This video was VERY DIFFICULT for me to make! Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIQVHc7ylng

I am here to give support, understanding and compassion to those who need it. Please feel free to contact me.

Take care,
Terry

hey man , congratulation and welcome ,

hats off for making a video , i know how hard this is .

Well that's what this place is for , sharing your thoughts and listening to others , good luck !

Blabla.. said:

hey man , congratulation and welcome ,

hats off for making a video , i know how hard this is .

Well that's what this place is for , sharing your thoughts and listening to others , good luck !

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Thank you very much for taking the time to comment!

I will be making and posting more videos on SAD. This is the first in a series.

I am glad that I started a thread here because I need support in dealing with my SAD from other people who understand what I am going through. I am looking forward to forming friendships here!

I would love to hear from you wonderful folks. Thanks!

Hello Hornetboy welcome to the site.

Great video, you did a really good job. You are really well spoken and articulate. More than I can say for myself. I know how hard it can be living with SAD, and how painful it can be. Like the title of the site says.. you are not alone

BlueDays said:

Hello Hornetboy welcome to the site.

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Thanks for your warm welcome. I hope to become more comfortable here in this forum as time goes on.

ShyKiwi said:

Great video, you did a really good job. You are really well spoken and articulate. More than I can say for myself. I know how hard it can be living with SAD, and how painful it can be. Like the title of the site says.. you are not alone

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I really appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement. I am glad that you like my video. It makes me feel very good to know that it is helping people!

Welcome to the site, we are all here on the same boat. You really are not alone, this disorder cripples our existance. All humans need others to share life and have support and feel trully alive. You explained it very nicely in your video and I hope you and the rest of us wake up one day without any more suffering due to this curse.

-lonestar- said:

Welcome to the site, we are all here on the same boat. You really are not alone, this disorder cripples our existance. All humans need others to share life and have support and feel trully alive. You explained it very nicely in your video and I hope you and the rest of us wake up one day without any more suffering due to this curse.

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Thank you for the welcome. It touches my heart!

The conclusion that I have come to is this: SAD and mental illness in general don't make any sense at all! LOL!!! Funny but true.

Anyway, I am here for you and anyone else who needs support, understanding and compassion. We are in this thing TOGETHER! Please keep fighting for your recovery and don't ever give up!

Hey there and welcome...Nice video I could never do that...I tryed uploading videos before to youtube and well I always deleted them :/...SAD sucks...generally life does but you're video made me a bit better...Yea...suicide is bad...never go there I am glad you made that promise to yourself...

I have thought of different ways to end my life quite a few times especially recently but...still here ...hope you're doing good today surprised people are still up...I have bad insomnia...then again this spider made me not want to sleep lol...

Good work Terry, keep going, good on you for not giving up.

For me interacting with people is like facing heaven and hell every day. With practice I'm finding that there can be more of a shift towards the heaven part of it, and it is easeier to ignore the hell that some people inflict on you out of ignorance.

Necrucifer said:

Hey there and welcome...Nice video I could never do that...I tryed uploading videos before to youtube and well I always deleted them :/...SAD sucks...generally life does but you're video made me a bit better...Yea...suicide is bad...never go there I am glad you made that promise to yourself...

I have thought of different ways to end my life quite a few times especially recently but...still here ...hope you're doing good today surprised people are still up...I have bad insomnia...then again this spider made me not want to sleep lol...

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Thank you so much for replying to me! I don't feel so alone now.

I almost didn't post the video. LOL!!! It was THAT difficult for me (Trust me!). Though I am glad that I did it because my video is helping people who are afflicted with SAD. It gives them hope and lets them know they are NOT alone. I am planning on shooting and posting more videos in the future.

I am very glad that you have chosen not to act out on any suicidal thoughts because I feel that it would be a big loss to this world and to anyone who cares about you. Don't you DARE do it!!! Whether you realize this or not, you have too much to offer than to go kill yourself. You are affecting me in a positive way right now just by talking with me in this forum. Every human life is precious. Thank God for you!

Of course I am still awake! The night time is MY time since I am a night owl. Hehehe!!!

Oooooooh... I LOVE spiders and other creepy crawlies! Heck, I love nature in general!

I love nature to spiders look cool but they just scare me and I just run like its godzilla lol!...I love all kinds of bugs and insects though...I used to have this albino praying mantis and it gave birth to a bunch of lil ones so I let it go but that was forever ago...Heck I remember seeing this grasshopper that was like 6 inches long...maybe 4 or 5 but it was big...

I love going walking out in the middle of the night its peaceful and I dont have to worry about people rarely lol...I have been trying to get out of my fear of spiders for so long now...I even was tempted to buy a pet tarantula of course defanged just to get over my fear but whats the point if I know it cant bite me LOL.

Yea life is to precious and I just cant seem to end my life regardless anyway not that I have tried maybe once a long time ago...if you knew how you would think I was stupid but anyway not going there and I care about a few people deeply especially this girl so dont worry I am not one to harm myself just cant take myself to do it anymore. Night time is perfect though I love it .

Yea the video was great and glad you have such confidence I know how that is though you dont want to do something but at the last minute you do it and its like DID I JUST DO THAT OH NO...lol but you went through with flying colors I am proud of you!. My cats being stupid...watching it smack flies running around in my room...entertaining though now it's sitting on my playstation it likes to sleep there.

Kiwong said:

Good work Terry, keep going, good on you for not giving up.

For me interacting with people is like facing heaven and hell every day. With practice I'm finding that there can be more of a shift towards the heaven part of it, and it is easeier to ignore the hell that some people inflict on you out of ignorance.

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Thank you!!!

I am glad that you are putting yourself out there and facing your SAD head-on! I am very proud of you! Going into social situations on a daily basis is the ONLY way to properly manage this hideous disorder! There are lots of SAD sufferers who only wish they could do that without going into "thermonuclear meltdown"! The definition of bravery/fearlessness is that despite being terrified, you should feel the fear and do it anyway. Putting yourself in social situations is extremely difficult at first, but I think that it gradually becomes easier with the more exposure that you have. Don't get me wrong... You would still have the anxiety, but I believe that it would be at a more manageable/tolerable level. As comfortable as avoiding social situations is to us, this avoidance behavior is actually hurting us more than it is helping us. The longer we stay in our safety zones the harder it will be for us in the long run (as most of you most likely already know).

Necrucifer said:

I love nature to spiders look cool but they just scare me and I just run like its godzilla lol!...I love all kinds of bugs and insects though...I used to have this albino praying mantis and it gave birth to a bunch of lil ones so I let it go but that was forever ago...Heck I remember seeing this grasshopper that was like 6 inches long...maybe 4 or 5 but it was big...

I love going walking out in the middle of the night its peaceful and I dont have to worry about people rarely lol...I have been trying to get out of my fear of spiders for so long now...I even was tempted to buy a pet tarantula of course defanged just to get over my fear but whats the point if I know it cant bite me LOL.

Yea life is to precious and I just cant seem to end my life regardless anyway not that I have tried maybe once a long time ago...if you knew how you would think I was stupid but anyway not going there and I care about a few people deeply especially this girl so dont worry I am not one to harm myself just cant take myself to do it anymore. Night time is perfect though I love it .

Yea the video was great and glad you have such confidence I know how that is though you dont want to do something but at the last minute you do it and its like DID I JUST DO THAT OH NO...lol but you went through with flying colors I am proud of you!. My cats being stupid...watching it smack flies running around in my room...entertaining though now it's sitting on my playstation it likes to sleep there.

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Spiders are awesome! I used to keep tarantulas, giant wolf spiders and fishing spiders as pets just to name a few types in a long list of critters that I had. If you ever obtain a tarantula as a pet, then please DO NOT have it defanged because it will kill the spider since it uses its fangs to deal with its prey. Plus, it would be very cruel! Anyway, the fact that NOBODY has ever died from a tarantula bite should tell you something! Even if you do get bitten by a tarantula, then you won't die from it. It is like being stung by a bee or wasp. If you buy a pet tarantula and don't want to take the chance in being bitten, then just don't handle it! Look but don't touch. Enjoy them as display animals... like pet fish. Good beginners species would be tarantulas that typically have calm gentle dispositions such as the Chilean Rosehair and the Mexican Redknee. Both make great pet tarantulas... and very colorful too!

I would go out walking, but I don't live out in the country. I live in the middle of parking lots, major streets, stores, restaurants, buildings, etc... You get the picture!

Well, I am glad that you are still here!

Awwwwwwwwwwww... Thanks for the kind words! :: I didn't FEEL confident making that difficult video! LOL!!! I am hoping that I can do an even better job on future videos.

Cats are nice. I have a pet snake myself!

Today not much happened. I stayed inside my apartment like I usually do. I want things to change for me. So, I really want to see if I can get treatment soon because my SAD will never improve if I continue to isolate myself in my safety zone.

Thankfully, I am a member of Crossroads Clubhouse in Tulsa and I started out as a member of Fountain House in NYC. There are many clubhouses just like these two places which are located across the United States and around the world. Since SAD is considered to be a form of mental illness and this is what most people in this forum are diagnosed with, then I highly recommend becoming a member of one of these clubhouses. Please check in your city or town to see if there is a clubhouse near you where you can become a member (I need to start going to Crossroads again and really utilize it since I haven't been there in years and I am living in Tulsa!). You can click on both of these links to see if there any clubhouses near you.

List of clubhouses:
ICCD: The International Center for Clubhouse Development

This allows for specialized searches:
ICCD: The International Center for Clubhouse Development

A clubhouse is a community and place for adults who have been diagnosed with a serious mental illness to come and feel appreciated and to continue working toward recovery and independence. Members go to a clubhouse for a variety of reasons including: for support, friendships, social activity, and to volunteer in various units that a particular clubhouse might have such as kitchen or clerical or horticulture units. A clubhouse also offers assistance in helping people secure safe and affordable housing, meaningful employment, and educational and wellness opportunities.

Here is the model that all clubhouses are based on:
Clubhouse Model of Psychosocial Rehabilitation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

For anyone here who needs it, I think you really should check into this because it will change your life for the best.

Hmmmmmmmmmm... Perhaps the part about the clubhouses needs its own thread. I might post this in a separate thread too (since not everyone here is checking this thread)!

Well I would not personally have it defanged just shops around here that sometimes have them are automatically defanged :/. I am semi allergic to stings though from bees and wasps not deadly but one hurts alot still haha.

Hornetboy said:

Thank you!!!

I am glad that you are putting yourself out there and facing your SAD head-on! I am very proud of you! Going into social situations on a daily basis is the ONLY way to properly manage this hideous disorder! There are lots of SAD sufferers who only wish they could do that without going into "thermonuclear meltdown"! The definition of bravery/fearlessness is that despite being terrified, you should feel the fear and do it anyway. Putting yourself in social situations is extremely difficult at first, but I think that it gradually becomes easier with the more exposure that you have. Don't get me wrong... You would still have the anxiety, but I believe that it would be at a more manageable/tolerable level. As comfortable as avoiding social situations is to us, this avoidance behavior is actually hurting us more than it is helping us. The longer we stay in our safety zones the harder it will be for us in the long run (as most of you most likely already know).

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You are right Hornetboy, practice is the key taking baby steps. There's still going to be plenty of hell and meltdowns along the way. You've got to expect the hell, but that makes the heaven when it happens so much better.

Kiwong said:

You've got to expect the hell, but that makes the heaven when it happens so much better.

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Yep, I firmly believe that one of the reasons why we go through difficult times in our lives is so we can have better appreciation for the good times.

Hopefully I can make another video soon because I want to post a new one here.