Join Date: Jul 2012
I was always a loner. I never had any friends, except one in high school, for a little while. I used to hang out with my sister's friends when they were at the house, and they excepted me and didn't mind me around.
My life was OK, until I started getting depression in juniour high. I was bad in high school. I wouldn't go out of the house, except school and sometimes to go out with my parents to the store or whatever. In 2009, I got my drivers licence. I force myself to go out a lot. Even if it just driving to no where. It's better than being on the house all the time.
I tried to make friends since junoir high, I couldn't. In high school, I started doing stuff to get attention, to get people to like me. So, I did random stuff, like show people how to hack the soda machine. It never worked, but I was able to get into the debug menu. In Grade 10, I startred skipping classes to try and hang out with people. I got cought skipping classes, which made it harder to do that, so I stopped.
I was part of “the learning center” a classroom with people with special needs and learning disabilities. I had one class there a day, since elementary school. The staff there kinda kept tabs on me once they found out I was skipping.
I did make one friend in junoiur high, but I think it only lasted a couple of months. She would actually hang out with me for awhile. One time in gym class I was sitting out, and she came though to gym, for something and seen me sitting there, so she came over and sat in talked with me for a little while. That is one of my favorite memories. No one else ever did that.
On-line whenever I try to make friends, I usually get unfriended or blocked, and have no idea why. I never did anything to them. Likes things could be good, then all of a sudden without warning, I'm unfriend or blocked.
I think about suicide all the time and my parents, no one understands. My parents just brush it off, like it's nothing. They ignore me or don't understand when I poor my problems out. They think it's just a faze.
I thought about doing drugs, but didn't go down that road. I'm 24, and still have it bad, but it's not really from bullying, I don't get bullied much, dispite having Autism and being different from everyone. I do get bullied on-line sometimes. I don't have good communication skills, people understand that quickly and when I speak my thoughts, or put in my opinion of something. They throw me flat on my back, and twist my words around and stuff. In one forum, they admitted to doing that, later. I'm slowly changing for the better, like keeping my mouth shut and leave things be, agreeing to stuff, I disagreee with, to avoid an urgument, that sorta stuff.
I try so hard to fit in, to make friends. A lot of times, I cry myself to sleep. Not a day goes by, I don't wish I had a friend to hang out with, someone to understand me, a girlfriend etc. Not a day goes by, that I think about what I should've done different with my life, correct my mistakes etc. I wish I normal, but things are what they are. I gotta live with it. I ask myself a lot, what did I do to deserve this, but then I realise, that it's not just me. A lot of bad things happen to good people.
I wish I was normal, that way, I could communciate normally, see and understand things like everyone else. I hurts when I see people with their best friends, that have everything that would make my life perfect (friends, social/communication skills etc).