not able to hold a good conversation

Hi,

I'm very bad at holding a conversation. You know, I have a friend, we started chatting online and met eachother in real life.
but when my mom started talk to him, they had like so long conversations going for hours.
I wish I could do that, it's so hard to keep it going. :/
I sure can ask questions and have a nice convo, but not like that.
Btw I don't envy my mom, I'm happy for her ofc, she's my role model :)
Why does my mind go blank? I wish I could talk more!
I sure take the iniative, but when there's nothing left to say, What could I do?
I wish I was a natural talkactive communicator. But I have a lack of social skills.
This s*cks, because I'd love to have good conversations, I love talking.
I could use some advice. :/
 

Deus_Ex_Lemur

Well-known member
I wish I had a real answer because I'm exactly the same way. My mind seems slow after the basic questions are asked. I dont make connections others make. Blank out. Then I get negative and annoyed with self and that leads to more blanking.

I find when I have a topic of interest and knowledge there I can talk a lot. But convo's dont always head there. If you can steer a convo into a topic you know and interest maybe you can keep it going. Thats a lot of it. Also being able to tell a story - I am bad at that verbally.

Not easy tho. It's like anything, practice and experience ultimately, and consistency with it. Dont feel down when this happens in the moment of a conversation also that's my main issue that leads to an abyss. More you think about it, hard it is. More want harder it is too. If makes sense. Kind of becomes a bottleneck of thoughts that dont come out.
 
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maiato

Banned
hello saskia!

Same problem here...and i think it must be general all over the forum! that's for sure one of the main problems of people with anxiety. It keeps projecting in the conversations.

Possibly u pay to much attention on what u will say next, what do they think about (and worst what u think about yourself) and that blanks u out! it happens me often. however one thing i do know, when i'm feeling more confident, happier, relaxed....conversations it goes by themself and u dont even seem to care when there are "quite moments".

I just got home from a soccer tv match with a housemate. Normally i would scape from it. But today i was feellin on good mood, so i just went to see it.

At half game i just got to myself without seeing a unique play of the game and talking with my friend. Mostly silly things. But is not that what ppl talk about most of time too?? I got to myself making a 20min public call with no fear at all ( sometimes i spend a all week moving away from calls, so that was a winning!!)....and at the same time i was paying attention (old habbits) to a couple in front of me who rarely spoke almost all second half....were they anxious?? dont seem so!

Most of time is not what and with who we are talking...but how anxious we become before all start! So my advice is trying to reduce your anxious to the lowest....starting from stopping your toughts about what will happen!

By other words dont start thinking on things to say, or issues to start up....start it slow, natural and calm....and then just be yourself!
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
This reminds me of a story I read where a girl and a boy got together but the girl was too shy to speak to him in person, so even while they were on dates- she would send him text messages as form of communication rather than speaking because she was just too nervous to put her feelings into words.

I think that with time and practice, it gets much easier.
Sometimes there's just not alot to talk about and that's fine too.
 

Drew M

Well-known member
In these situations I find that my brain tends to work in slow motion, yet I talk in fast forward mode. And it feels like every word I speak I swallow back down.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Hi,

I'm very bad at holding a conversation. You know, I have a friend, we started chatting online and met eachother in real life.
but when my mom started talk to him, they had like so long conversations going for hours.
I wish I could do that, it's so hard to keep it going. :/
I sure can ask questions and have a nice convo, but not like that.
Btw I don't envy my mom, I'm happy for her ofc, she's my role model :)
Why does my mind go blank? I wish I could talk more!
I sure take the iniative, but when there's nothing left to say, What could I do?
I wish I was a natural talkactive communicator. But I have a lack of social skills.
This s*cks, because I'd love to have good conversations, I love talking.
I could use some advice. :/
^ I think a lot of us have this problem. I know with even some of my friends, my mom can easily have a conversation with them better than I can. And I'll admit, I'm a bit envious of how well my mom can converse with others. She's always been very social, and I didn't inherit any of that. Instead I inherited my father's shyness, which then developed into social anxiety. Sorry I don't have any advice. I'm still trying to figure out how to hold a complete conversation with other people.
 

eso

Well-known member
I'm 35 and I've been practicing this for years and years. It is something you constantly have to work on if you don't have it naturally like others do. Best thing is practice makes perfect. I am getting okay at it, definitely need more practice but it's a years and years of trying.

Ok so here's what helps me. There's a lot of tricks. I think the reason I freeze up is because I am too worried about not having anything to say and looking like a fool etc. You know the deal. That makes it worse. Just like if you are awake at night and want to sleep, then you can't sleep because you are upset that you can't sleep.

If you can relax and live in the present, that helps a little. This is a years long practice, many experts still don't have it right. But before you go out or are to meet someone or whatever, just practice a meditation or relaxation exercise to get yourself really relaxed and ready to go. When you are around your family or best friends you are no doubt very relaxed and you have no problems talking with them. And if you don't talk, you don't even care, right? That's the state you are trying to get yourself into, but with everyone. Do a search on youtube for "mindfulness" or some other meditation or relaxation exercise that doesn't take long to do. It is really easy to lose this relaxed state, especially when you first start out like me, I am trying to keep myself in it for as long as possible when I meet others.

Ok now that you are helping yourself reduce your anxiety, there are tricks, like I said. To talk to someone, it's not enough just to ask questions. You might have heard that a good way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions of the other person based on something they said. Fantastic idea, but it turns into an interview process and too long of this and it is tiring to you and the other person, and you'll inevitably get a vibe from them that they are wanting to leave or are uncomfortable. So again, it's a good idea but don't overdo it. You need something deeper.

So... one trick you can use when you are losing a hold on what to say is simply to say what they said back at them. This is very helpful when you don't know what to say but want to show you are listening. They will continue to talk, giving you a lot more to work with and you have successfully stalled for time. Example:

him: "My car wouldn't start yesterday and it just sucks."
you: "Oh, your car died? You must be really really upset. You look upset." (notice all you said is the same thing you just changed a little)
him: "yeah i am because blah blah blah"

Boom. Instant stalling tactics. Notice also you also made an observation based on how he feels or looks to you. You said "you look upset". That is another trick. You can be TOTALLY wrong and it will be fine, because the other person will just clarify and you still get extra time.

NOT ONLY THAT but the other person will see that not only are you listening but you are connecting to them on an emotional level. That's major points. They will start to trust you quicker, they'll start to want to talk to you more. It gets even easier at this point.

Don't worry about the conversation lagging in the future. Concentrate on the now, concentrate on what he is saying and keep your mind rolling to come up with stuff to say based on that. You have successfully stalled for time, you can use that to think.

Keep going like this for a while and the conversation will start to grow and get easier as you go, because you are connecting and pulling emotions and information out of the other person, and you are listening closely. There are even more tricks, I have a ton.

Again, practice practice practice. You will fail a lot at this, everyone does, just keep trying.

The cool thing is as you get better at this, you will start to want to talk to people MORE because you are less afraid because you know you have the ability to talk to anyone. Also, you want to test yourself because it becomes like a game, like how long and how good can I get at this.
 

anti_anti

New member
Hi Saskia,
I am new to the forum, and You are not alone in this area. I am very bad at this, I know the feeling of drawing a blank, but wanting to say stuff. My mom is good at convos too, but sometimes if you do not think about it you can have a great convo! That sadly dose not happen all the time. I have tried many things to change this I have slowly gotten better, but I still have a hard time. It is all practice. That is just my experience, so do not feel bad I wish I had amazing communication skills too.
 

Isola

Member
Same here.

But when I get to know the person better, it gets easier.
Most of the time it's with people I don't know very well...
I get nervous, and I'm afraid to say something stupid.
 

Richey

Well-known member
to be honest i don't know how i would go since i haven't had a lengthy conversation with anyone for years, the only time i had a chance was when i was visiting my friend which was years ago, yeah i go to work but it's always usually short conversations with colleagues.

i find that if i am at a party and people seem really intimidating and knowledgable then they are sort of left to blow their own trumpets because they like to talk all the the time for sake of talking, a lot of the time i simply don't have an opinion on the subject but there are always people who have an opinion on every single subject. if you talked to me about subject that i know about then its a different story, i can also be silly and fun but i never feel comfortable enough unless other people are in a silly non uptight mood.
 
Same here.

But when I get to know the person better, it gets easier.
Most of the time it's with people I don't know very well...
I get nervous, and I'm afraid to say something stupid.

the same here, when i know someone better, i know what he/she likes to talk about :) and it's not so scary to approach him/her, and to share your own things
 

cola junky

Active member
same for me here....
this problem drives me crazy...
i just feel my head goes blank and i freeze. this problem gets even more serious when i talk on the phone when even two seconds of silence feels like an eternity.
my little sister talks on the phone with her friends all day long sometime for hours and i envy her so much....
although it does gets a little easier when u get to know the person u talk t
 

aidan

Well-known member
i think ALOT of us have this problem. i dont know why. but it seems to be linked to SA. the mind just goes blank...
 

recluse

Well-known member
This has been a problem of mine all my life although with the right person i can be quite talkative.

I remember as a kid being mocked for being quiet, i was a virtual mute as a kid. Then when i was in college a girl commented that i had no idea how to talk to people and that i was no fun to be with. It seems that just because one does not say everything that comes to mind that there is something wrong.
 
D

deleted user 1

Guest
Saskia, here's a link you might want to look at. It'll provide more answers for you than I ever could:

Conversation techniques

I really hopes this helps, at least a little. Best of luck :)
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Saskia, here's a link you might want to look at. It'll provide more answers for you than I ever could:

Conversation techniques

I really hopes this helps, at least a little. Best of luck :)
^ Thanks for sharing that Aristocrat. :) Definitely had to look at the 'Remembering Names' topic. I can remember people's faces without a problem, but once it comes to their names, then forget it. I can't seem to remember them, unless they are friends or family. It's horribly embarrassing and people have teased me before about it. Especially since I live in a small town and go to a pretty small school, I still get names mixed up.
 

JamesSmith

Well-known member
The truth is that all of the conversation techniques in the world won't mean much at all if you have enough anxiety. It's impossible to predict exactly what another person will say, so trying to script what you will say can easily backfire (I've tried this before). The people that are best at conversations are just naturally good at conversations from being outgoing. They always have something to say and it didn't come from looking up conversation starters on the web. They are just blessed with the ability to be social. Many of us are not blessed with outstanding social abilities.

My advice is not to worry about coming up with things to say. The problem here is that you are worried that you not talking is weird. There is nothing wrong with being quiet when you have nothing to say. It's the people that get mad when others are quiet that have the real problems, they are insecure. If they can't stand you being quiet, then that's their problem. Let them suffer, it's not like you are trying to tick them off. Hopefully they learn that there are people that are quiet on earth, it never surprises me how many outgoing people don't understand that there are people that don't like to talk as much as them. I think it's good when people like this meet us, because they grab a better understanding of the people of the world and different personalities.
 
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