obsessive thoughts about suicide.

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I hate life and wish I could just die. I often find myself holding a knife when I'm lying the bed trying to sleep. I look at the blade how it shines in the tiny light in the room, thinking about if I could eat some pill that removes pain and pierce my heart with it. Lying there in the bed under the cover bleading to death completly painless. Someday someone finds a dryed stinking corpse in my apartment and my parents get all upset.

Firstly, I do have thoughts about suicide. I am also not suicidal, but I find myself constantly having thoughts about it. This then leads to be actually thinking about what would happen if I did kill myself. I imagine my funeral, the way I would do it in, I've even taken to researching the most effective methods of suicide on the internet. Sometimes it gets so bad that I convince myself that I actually do want to commit suicide, even though I don't. But I wouldn't mind dying, but that's not the same thing...

Secondly Kien, I think you need to see your GP or at least talk to someone about how you're feeling.

Musicocd said:

Secondly Kien, I think you need to see your GP or at least talk to someone about how you're feeling.

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I'm not feeling horrible all the time but I always feel that life is pointless and that I can never be really happy. I have a few friends but I hardly spend anytime with them, not even talking on msn. They don't have much interresting in talking or spending time with me becouse I am not a very interresting person. Similar in school which I started last year. I hear how people talk in the friday afternoon of what their going to do in the evening while I know that I will go home alone. People hardly talk to me at school. I know I am a not very interresting person, but sadly it doesn't remove my need for human contact. Some rare times at weekends after I have just come gome I can't fight against the tears anymore.

I feel stupid enough that I can't resist posting here. Talking about problems is stupid. Feelings are not to be showed. No one finds it pleasing to listen to someone elses problems, it's something you find just bothering.

And what's the big deal with people telling that they want to die? Someone finds life boring, big strange deal... not. I have told a little bit too much to my friend, mother and sister and they all tell me that I should talk to psycologists and shit and makes a big deal of the whole thing. I don't want to do any such thing. It's my life. Don't care untill I tell yout to.

About knife, I'm really feel that I want to buy a nice expensive sharp knife, I have a hard time deciding which one though. I hava a little 'addiction' weapons in general, and I'm thinking that a really sharp knife would be good for scratching oneself. I happends a few times that I make light scratches on my throat or over my heart. It's quite frightening lying in the bed feeling the tip of a knife moving over you. Sometimes I hold the knife upwards and let it rest with it's tip down at my throat. The sting makes the heart beat harder and faster which makes the blood artery in the throat expand as it over and over fills with blood, pushing itself against the knife tip, makes it hurt a little bit more every time fueling the unpleasant feel which makes the heart continue to beat hard.

One time when I felt that my brain wanted to fill me with lust to 'fantasize' when I was sleeping, but since I hate sexuality I started to quickly scratch over my heart to make the hormones go away, and it worked very good. When feeling the pain of a knife over your bare chest your heart switches from punding of 'excitment' into fear, I tell you.

I also have obsessive thoughts about suicide, I don't want to die right now but sometimes I wish I would have the guts for it. Although, I'd never go thru with it.
I seem to think of a way I could kill myself randomly in almost every situation. Like i'm sitting in bed right now and I know I could jump off the balcony or throw myself down the stairs, or bash my head in on the wall. Pills, knives, hanging... all of that. It just randomly pops into my head.

I'm glad not the only one with horrible thoughts who doesn't actually WANT to do it!

Yup, I think it's actually quite a common ocd obsession really. Kien, you sound like me, but me 2 and a half years ago. I would cut the sides of my wrists, not as a cry for help or a way to get attention (I tried my best to hide the cuts from people, and still hide the scars now), it was the only way for me to release the pain I was feeling. It felt like my life just stopped completely. At first I just cried all the time, but then I became numb, I enjoyed nothing, I spoke to no one, all I did was sit in bed and cut myself. It scares me now to think that I was like that, seems like I was a different person...

I get intrusive thoughts. The one with the gun to my head happens frequently. But I would never act upon it. I also get thoughts and ideas about the future over and over again. What I should do or whatever. Also keeping things in order at home.