Och aye the noo

theslowesthand said:

I always used to view me parents like that too, like they're the worst possible parents that i culd ever have. But over time, esp last few years, ah've gotten a new view of such matters, and kinda new-agey, but it has helped me some. This idea is along the lines of "no pain, no gain" or even "more pain, more gain". That it is, is this: that the worse they are for yur current well-being, the better they are for yurself overall (eg evolution of "soul"). So, all gets thrown in reverse when talkin of soul (deeper) not personality (shallower). Worst enemies (eg parents) become best friends, and best friends become .. i dunno! not best friends, hehe (as they dont help yu grow as much). Bad is good, good is maybe not bad but not as good as appears. All is illusion & backwards... (excuse my delving into deep metaphysic there .. am listenin to the Doors, amidst a drunkin haze )

Click to expand...

Right, so... To break that doon to simple terms, no sayin' am thick as shit.
Yer basically ah huv tae tolerate this pessimistic, negative, confidence destroyin' shite remarks that come oot ma mum's gob til she's deid ?

In fairness, ma dad's death only made me realise that, which he might no huv like me that much or comprehend ma disability an how affects ma life. And we might no huv hud that father/son bond we should've - but ah don't really connect with many folk oan a deep level. It's surface and superficial.

But at least, his remark of "When are you going to something with your life", which is summit most of my family were womdering of me, was said as a means of encouragement and inspiration. More so than any words of wisdom ah every got from my mum.

Which is probably where my relationship went to shite. Or maybe, it was the fact my mum never offer the full emotionally support ah needed, going through teenage years. Nor did she ever take my side when ah'd be enraged enough to stand up for myself.

The food, clothes and huvin a roof overhead huv been great an aw that.
But ah do feel that ah wus unfairly burdened with my mum's past relationship troubles with men. Constantly being reminded of how "useless" men are. :bigsmile: What an irony...

Though, it's always the youngest that gets f***ed wth most in the family, isn't it?

But being a single mum who is dour an negative aw the time, doesnae exactly instill confidence in a young lad to ensure he turn oot right. Still don't know how am still here, nor how I'm the "brains" of the family? Is because most of us quiet, introverted, shy c**ts tend to think before opening oor gobs tae speak? Or is it because outcasts have that outside lookin' in perspective.

Therefore tend to a bit more philsophical aboot things or see show shallow the culture we're raised in really is? As ypu seem to be. Ah wouldnae know, since am no being as brainy as a potential could've been. It's kinda by chance that ah just manage to appear sensible an sane.

FountainandFairfax said:

I'd like to read about it.

Click to expand...

Going through a bit of a rough time at the moment. :sad: But ah will get around to tell ye the story of my stay in hospital, ah huv'nae forgot, like. Gie me a wee bit uh time to find ma way outa the dark place am in mentally.

Oh please... Stop pleading for me not to argue with ya. When it's you who provokes and piss me off. So yer huv sympathy for me act is wearing thin, Mum.

And when am ah gonnae be able to live ma life oan ma ain terms? Constantly huv to compromising every for you. And you huv tha nerve to say I'm selfish! Ah just keep to mhyself an do my own thing, if that's selfish then ah guess I am.

I'm a nasty person... Aww, thanks, mum. Another f***in' insult tae keep remind masel' of. eh?! Oh but you nae part that did ye? Naw, of course, ye didnae. :veryangry: It wus you that raised me, wasn't it?! :thinking: :kickingmyself:

Just an idea or so .. may or may not help?

Try to develop a habit of putting mind immediately onto logic/analysing of whatever she says, perhaps everything that comes out her mouth, or just the ones that wind-you-up most, i dunno. Analyse the CRAP out of what she says (in yer mind, as she has no influence on what you choose to think of in yer own mind!). See what of her words are irrational or not, and which are negative or not; LABEL all she says (but accurately). Read up on irrational thinking, so u can recognize it in her words. You could even (if get good at) point out to her the odd time, that (eg) 'you're being overly negative .. you could have said it more postively, like (example)'; it would no doubt be an art to saying such without causing more conflict from her tho, so be carful! lol.

Also try to "agree" with her more (but hold on) so as to reduce your frustration which is extreme importance, to retain one's "sanity". Much bad feeling comes via frustration.

Example 1. for "I'm a nasty person" then: you AGREE and DISAGREE. as it is true (hold on!) by HER own (distorted) definition, but NOT by YOUR defintion. BOTH defintions are valid & true to whomever has them ONLY (ie true/valid in their own little "sub-universes", just like various sciences are true in their own "context", but maybe not so true in OTHER contexts or sciences)

Example 2. for "Oh please... Stop pleading for me not to argue with ya. When it's you who provokes and piss me off": yes its true it seems that she does provoke (=says sth that triggers thoughts->feelings in your mind that are unpleasant to say the least). she just pulls the trigger of the gun, but it actually is (hold on!) the bullet that is is your thinking, and the damage done by bullet (your thoughts) is of course your feelings; thats the theory of it, which does take time to "sink in" i know that, but it does help once the idea has sunked-in.
And how to not argue -> its done by "agreeing" with her (verbally to her ears (to prevent further conflict; let her (seemingly) win this mini-battle, but not (some) mini-battles that you initiate), but not mentally as such (as you BOTH agree & disagree internally!). It takes real strength (& courage) to allow oneself to "lose gracefully"; it holds much more power than those who are ruled by their ego's & absolutely must win at all costs; it also takes a load of pressure off yourself to "win"

Also, try to keep in mind that due to her past "baggage", eg her own parents, she simply might not be able to parent you "properly", even if she might want to & might be trying to - her own mind just won't allow it. Just like this "massive" example of a mother elephant who finds a abandoned baby rhino; she has best of intensions, but the poor baby rhino will never be able to suckle, as its too small to reach her teets! it just cant be done, thru no fault of either party. accepting things like this, impossibilities, helps to reduce frustrations, and therefore lessens bad feelings & by extension improves overall well-being in life.

Yep, it be complex all this, and require much practice, but a little bit of complexity can reward you endlessly! erfect:

^ Sorry for no quotin' yer whole post.

theslowesthand said:

Just an idea or so .. may or may not help?

Click to expand...

Sadlly, slowesthand, as much as ah appreciate it. Yer post isnae really of much help. In that, ah've been pretty much doin' as ye suggested. Even those examples you gave.

But my mum just doesnae want to hear it, everytime ah'd point she's being negative and ask her why she's being that way? Ah just get silence. Or she'll changes the subject. Or asking why she's goes against my wishes, more often than not? Like when ah said ah didnae want anythin' to do with ma dad cuz ah thought ah wus doing awrite withoot, age 15.

Plus, ma mum just bad-mouthed him along with my older and oldest sisters' dads callin' them aw abusive b _ _ _ _ _ ds! An aw men were useless as a result. So ah felt ah didnae wantr a person like that in ma life. But ah wus forced to give ma dad a chance to get to know me cuz he's "no that bad" as she said. But even after that initial reunion, ah knew it wus gonnae workout between me an ma dad. Cuz every visit, ah felt like ah hud tae meet his standard.

Wasnae until ah heard ma mum says the thing ad nauseam aboot men an relationship that ah realised she wus more abusive than ma dad. Even though, she never hit me as my dad did to her. The mental an emotional abuse has had a lasting impact. Cuz it's no easy to forget the words said to ya over the years.

So, it was probably due to her past "baggage" that she burden me with anxiety, depression and forcing her toxic opinions and life outlook onto me.

Ah mean, she never taught me anythin' positive, or allowed me to experience things ah wanted to. Even talkin' about sex and relationships wus off-limits as discussion between us hen ah got to "that age". Since disabled people can't, therefore don't, have sex, do they?

And there were girls in high school that fancied me, and were shy of informing me of this fact. But how are ye supposed to proceed with gettin' to know them when yer mum and dad weren't exactly the best basis for how relationships should be.

The closest, ah came to bridging either of those topic was my dad bought me condoms when ah turned 18 - or shortly after, since he doesnae bother with birthdays. "There's ust a subtle reminder yer going to die one day", as he'd say.

As far as sayin' stuff trigger me, most of my family did it. But my sisters in particular, they'd remember the "All men are useless" remark my mum would tell me constantly. And laugh as if it was a joke.

Ma older sister could quite scathing and really mean when it came to judging my sense of humour, the music I love, books I read or movie ah enjoyed.

Knocking on my bedroom door, entering ma room and her opening conversation gambits would be either...

"Ugh Gawd, ye still listening to that shite... Whit da f***?!" (This as she picks up and looks at the cover of Mogwai's Come On Die Young album, and mispronounces the album's title. : Bigsmile:

But ah guess that whit ah get for living in the most conservative, uptight part of Scotland. More proven when Dumfries and Galloway was the only part of Scotland against Scots independence.

"Aw, ye didnaae like him/her or that show, d'ye?" (Said in relation to the comedians and comedy shows I liked)

"Whit ye readin' book that for... Huh?" This makes me laugh, cuz ah used partly quote that "Waffle House" routine by Bill Hicks in response. And get a narrow-eyed look as a result.

But the hazing has since long stop, as I think they've just accepted I'm not going to conform to their expectations and do ma ain thing. Though, the affect all this has had on my self-esttem is still there, sadly.

Mainly due to my mum and sister and rsome other family member who hazed me, refusing to say sorry for how they treated when ah did nuthin' to deserve it nor treat them the same except maybe called some of the music my older sister liked: "Kinda shite", when asked my opinion on it.

But ah never rolled my eyes an say what she said.

But as far as my mum goes, ah've gave up tryin' to get through to her and how her negative, stubborn views huv affected me. Because she clearly doesnae care about me, still see as her "wee boy", despite being nearly 30.

Almost as if she didnae want me grow-up, but ah did. As we all do, ah just missed out a lotta life experience due to my mum constantly focusing on whit ah can and can't do due to my cerebral palsy, which doesnae exactly make for a confident, assertive, happy adult raised by a single mum.

Not to slag off all single mums. Not all of them are shite at raising kids. Just for the most part, boys miss out on some important life lessons they can only get from their dad, when raised by single mother. And ah feel ah missed out oan a lot of stuff due to not huvin a positive male role models or male influence in ma life.

Aside from the some of the male teachers who lhad nuthin' but good to say about me during secondary school, despite my SA.

But now, ah dinnae see the point wasting ma time an energy tryin' to ma mum see the errors of her ways. If she can't even admit when she wrong.

I mean, I was shocked me my oldest sister noticed how negative an pessmistic my mum was being every since the surgery an worryin' aboot how ah'd manage. But it's been fine, like.

Though, ah wus more surprised by her praising me for being positive this past month or so. Because ah didnae worry a bit about this surgery. My mum on the other hand wus huvin panic attacks, losing sleep. Sure ah wus losing sleep, but only because ah wus going through ma heid what had got to that January 6th operation. But didnae dwell on it too much, other than the odd ironically pessimistic remark to show how absurd my mum was being as far as freaking out about.

Ah cun only imagine how she'll cope when gettin' her knee replacement surgery not that ah don't huv empathy with her. It's just she never seem to take any of my advice or suggestions. Usually being dismissed as "stupid". So ah just do tha same with her suggestions now, which in ma view is only fair. Why should ah listen to her, if she doesnae do tha same fur me?

But whatever, y'know, am only glad ah wus in decent shape in the months leading up to that operation, otherwise ah'd huv been fuct in terms of the progress ah've made in such a short period of time, just over a month.

Graeme1988 said:

Sadlly, slowesthand, as much as ah appreciate it. Yer post isnae really of much help. In that, ah've been pretty much doin' as ye suggested. Even those examples you gave

Click to expand...

Well no worries, because that advice is just tip-of-iceberg really, so if that dont work ye simply try sth else, an then try sth else again, etc

Graeme1988 said:

But my mum just doesnae want to hear it, everytime ah'd point she's being negative and ask her why she's being that way? Ah just get silence. Or she'll changes the subject. Or asking why she's goes against my wishes, more often than not?

Click to expand...

I didno' think of before, but it makes full sense why that tact doesnot work, i can see that now. Negatve cant fight negative, only postive can fight negatve (like with only love can fight hate; only light can fight darkness). She "wants" to stay negtve, ignorant, abusive, etc (as its her self-identity n personality, which if changes, she wuld feel like she's died! .. so she "protects" such with every ounce of "fight"/resistance/etc she can muster). but anotha reson she resists, be that your confrontational words simply make her feel bad, hence th silence or change of topic (avoiding issues). so the tactic to apply needs "adapting" a little, to work with her personalty. you may need to act like a "teacher" to her, as if u ask her questions about why this or whay that, then its left to her own habitual negtvty to respond; u need to "take the reins" more so, do the controlling of the thoguhts in her mind more so, rather than continuing to let her own mind act upon its own negative initiative.

Graeme1988 said:

Sadlly, slowesthand, as much as ah appreciate it. Yer post isnae really of much help. In that, ah've been pretty much doin' as ye suggested. Even those examples you gave

Click to expand...

Well no worries, because that advice is just tip-of-iceberg really, so if that dont work ye simply try sth else, an then try sth else again, etc

Graeme1988 said:

But my mum just doesnae want to hear it, everytime ah'd point she's being negative and ask her why she's being that way? Ah just get silence. Or she'll changes the subject. Or asking why she's goes against my wishes, more often than not?

Click to expand...

I didno' think of before, but it makes full sense why that tact doesnot work, i can see that now. Negatve cant fight negative, only postive can fight negatve (like with only love can fight hate; only light can fight darkness). She "wants" to stay negtve, ignorant, abusive, etc (as its her self-identity n personality, which if changes, she wuld feel like she's died! .. so she "protects" such with every ounce of "fight"/resistance/etc she can muster). but anotha reson she resists, be that your confrontational words simply make her feel bad, hence th silence or change of topic (avoiding issues). so the tactic to apply needs "adapting" a little, to work with her personalty. you may need to act like a "teacher" to her, as if u ask her questions about why this or whay that, then its left to her own habitual negtvty to respond; u need to "take the reins" more so, do the controlling of the thoguhts in her mind more so, rather than continuing to let her own mind act upon its own negative initiative. so whot im sayin in essence is that u need to TAKE CHARGE of her mind somewhat, TAKE LEAD of her "black dog". one good way i'd suggest is thru POSITIVETY rather than neagtivty (which she reacts to & resists fervently). ye may say that have already tried positveity, but thres diffeernt types/ways of such, so just need to keep trying diffrent ways of th postive thng.
Positive affrimation is anothr word - over time can overcome negativty of the mindset. So that is one way to try.
Example here: instead of going to her with a negative complaint (wich makes her feel bad & she refuses to reply, maybe also as she dosnt even know why she does thngs herself!) ... but go to her with a positive statement -> which she haers this -> positive affrimation has entred her mind -> one down, one thosand to go (etc). i suspect she is actually a "poor thinker", so then anther reason to take chage & be like a teacker to little child. recall, only positve can beat negtive.
--> eg1 rather than "everytime ah'd point she's being negative and ask her why she's being that way? Ah just get silence. Or she'll changes the subject" say sth like 'i wuld like u to be more positive when ... (& give an eg of being more postve)'.
--> eg2 Or "asking why she's goes against my wishes, more often than not?". rather than this, say sth like (keep postve, to fight her negatve, which can be "triggered" very easily) 'i wuold like u to go along with my wishes more now' & 'when u go against my wishes i wuld like u from now onto give me a proper explaneation, and preferably notify me beforehand that your course of action is going to be the aforementioned rather than my respective wishes' (you get tha pikcha!)

Graeme1988 said:

But now, ah dinnae see the point wasting ma time an energy tryin' to ma mum see the errors of her ways. If she can't even admit when she wrong.
I mean, I was shocked me my oldest sister noticed how negative an pessmistic my mum was being every since the surgery an worryin' aboot how ah'd manage. But it's been fine, like

Click to expand...

well it does seem that your mum is very reactionary & maybe "flies off handle" quick & is a habitual negtive thinker (kinda like my mum!). what ye need do is to "sidestep" the "can't even admit when she wrong" as that seems a permanent trait with her - can do nout about that. So dont say nout invloving sth she's "doing wrong", as that will get u nowhere. Instaed "sidestep" that, & simply "suggest" a way she can be better (but without trigger her ego defences, ie in a way that doesnt "attack" her status quo ways). anothr words, you almost need to be parent of her! (perhaps she wasno't parented very well herself? also genes of course). teach her (by way of constant postive suggestions, which overpower any of her negativity). remember positivity is the key

Graeme1988 said:

Though, ah wus more surprised by her praising me for being positive this past month or so. Because ah didnae worry a bit about this surgery. My mum on the other hand wus huvin panic attacks, losing sleep. Sure ah wus losing sleep, but only because ah wus going through ma heid what had got to that January 6th operation. But didnae dwell on it too much, other than the odd ironically pessimistic remark to show how absurd my mum was being as far as freaking out about

Click to expand...

Yes, youre doing VERY WELL with being positive n that. WELL DONE on that turnarund (form negtve to postve)! :applause:

Graeme1988 said:

Ah cun only imagine how she'll cope when gettin' her knee replacement surgery not that ah don't huv empathy with her. It's just she never seem to take any of my advice or suggestions. Usually being dismissed as "stupid". So ah just do tha same with her suggestions now, which in ma view is only fair. Why should ah listen to her, if she doesnae do tha same fur me?

Click to expand...

My mum's exactly same. Its that ego at play again. It cant stand being wrong, inferior, needy, helped, weak, etc

Graeme1988 said:

But whatever, y'know, am only glad ah wus in decent shape in the months leading up to that operation, otherwise ah'd huv been fuct in terms of the progress ah've made in such a short period of time, just over a month

Click to expand...

Yeah ye's DONE VERY WELL!!! GO YOU!!! :applause: :thumbup: erfect:

Didnae thank you for yer previous post in this thread. But ah'll thank you for this yin here.

theslowesthand said:

Well no worries, because that advice is just tip-of-iceberg really, so if that dont work ye simply try sth else, an then try sth else again, etc


I didno' think of before, but it makes full sense why that tact doesnot work, i can see that now. Negatve cant fight negative, only postive can fight negatve (like with only love can fight hate; only light can fight darkness). She "wants" to stay negtve, ignorant, abusive, etc (as its her self-identity n personality, which if changes, she wuld feel like she's died! .. so she "protects" such with every ounce of "fight"/resistance/etc she can muster). but anotha reson she resists, be that your confrontational words simply make her feel bad, hence th silence or change of topic (avoiding issues). so the tactic to apply needs "adapting" a little, to work with her personalty.

Click to expand...

theslowesthand said:

you may need to act like a "teacher" to her, as if u ask her questions about why this or whay that, then its left to her own habitual negtvty to respond; u need to "take the reins" more so, do the controlling of the thoguhts in her mind more so, rather than continuing to let her own mind act upon its own negative initiative. so whot im sayin in essence is that u need to TAKE CHARGE of her mind somewhat, TAKE LEAD of her "black dog". one good way i'd suggest is thru POSITIVETY rather than neagtivty (which she reacts to & resists fervently). ye may say that have already tried positveity, but thres diffeernt types/ways of such, so just need to keep trying diffrent ways of th postive thng.

Click to expand...

Ah don't feel as if ah've got tha confidence tae take charge, though. Plus, tryin' tae teach mum summit is like sayin' tae Fred West: "Ah heard yer a good gardener, want tae help plant some flowers?" Not exactly somethin' that's gonnae end well.

theslowesthand said:

Positive affrimation is another one - over time can overcome negativty of the mindset. So that is one way to try.
Example here: instead of going to her with a negative complaint (wich makes her feel bad & she refuses to reply, maybe also as she dosnt even know why she does thngs herself!) ... but go to her with a positive statement -> which she haers this -> positive affrimation has entred her mind -> one down, one thosand to go (etc).

Click to expand...

Don't think she'll go with the positive affirmations, if am honest. It's hard enough tryin' to keep myself positive withoot tryin' to change her mindset. As harsh as this sounds, ah'd rather just tune out her "Worried. Thinking the worst of the everything. Ah cannae do this" mentality that she tends to use as an excuse. Than spend ages trying to make her a better person - huvin kids certainly has done that. Even though, that's what is said of people who huv kids. Or at least she hasn't become a better person due to me, No matter how many times, ah tell her to huv a more positive mentality attitude

theslowesthand said:

i suspect she is actually a "poor thinker", so then anther reason to take chage & be like a teacher to little child. recall, only positve can beat negtive.

Click to expand...

Need a bit clarification oan tha "poor thinker" bit? If by that ye mean doesnae really think much. Then, aye, yer right. Doesnae really think things through fully.

But if ye mean a bit slow in the heid, then ye can apply that description to me as well. But then ah didnae come fae a middle-class who would discuss current affairs, politics an the like... Ah've very the product of a council house. Or a deprived background as newsreader and politicians would call it.

Also, am still a hunner (a hundred) percent sure aboot this whole "teacher" idea.

theslowesthand said:

--> eg1 rather than "everytime ah'd point she's being negative and ask her why she's being that way? Ah just get silence. Or she'll changes the subject" say sth like 'i wuld like u to be more positive when ... (& give an eg of being more postve)'.
--> eg2 Or "asking why she's goes against my wishes, more often than not?". rather than this, say sth like (keep postve, to fight her negatve, which can be "triggered" very easily) 'i wuold like u to go along with my wishes more now' & 'when u go against my wishes i wuld like u from now onto give me a proper explaneation, and preferably notify me beforehand that your course of action is going to be the aforementioned rather than my respective wishes' (you get tha pikcha!)

Click to expand...

"But she doesnae like bein' telt whit tae do..." Her words, no mine. Though, ah did say to her the other day about this. But don't know if it got through to her fully. With me merely explaining that:


It was hard enough tryin' to convince my mum to help keep me steady while ah used my zimmer frame, more recent. Despite me actially wantin' to give it another go, cuz ah couldnae quite manage to get much use out of it while in hospital. This back and forth, then ah just telt her she couldnae rely upon her oldest daughter to help me with it every time.

F***in' hell !! You are just full uh knowledge, so ye are. Took me ages to type that last post. Noo, there's another yin. Come 'em comin'... :thumbup:

theslowesthand said:

well it does seem that your mum is very reactionary & maybe "flies off handle" quick & is a habitual negtive thinker (kinda like my mum!). what ye need do is to "sidestep" the "can't even admit when she wrong" as that seems a permanent trait with her - can do nout about that. So dont say nout invloving sth she's "doing wrong", as that will get u nowhere.

Click to expand...

Ah know... And, eh, speakin' being reactionary an "fleein' off the handle" Ah've actually noticed this is also a trait with my older sisters. The middle yin in particular. Oh, f***in' brace yersel' when speakin' tae her, like. Phrasing summit the wrong way or sound indifferent... My God! She goes mental, like Beyoncé with grating Scottish accent meets Noam Chomsky:


^ These aren't exactly quote, except for the first one, but that geniunely how middle child reactions. Ah tend to huv a build angry, like if ye keep annoyin' me ah'll tell ye tae eff off. Really piss me off an ah turn into Begbie fae Transpotting.

theslowesthand said:

Instaed "sidestep" that, & simply "suggest" a way she can be better (but without trigger her ego defences, ie in a way that doesnt "attack" her status quo ways). anothr words, you almost need to be parent of her! (perhaps she wasno't parented very well herself? also genes of course). teach her (by way of constant postive suggestions, which overpower any of her negativity). remember positivity is the key

Click to expand...

How? Every time ah do suggest way ma mum could be better. She goes off on the "Yer always picking on me" guilt-trip - full price ticket £3.50. Half-price discount if yer a wummin.. Like ma oldest sister did when ah calmly asked why she thought continually comparing me - due to my beard and skin tone - to various negative Middle Eastern stereotypes?

theslowesthand said:

IYes, youre doing VERY WELL with being positive n that. WELL DONE on that turnarund (form negtve to postve)!

Click to expand...

Well, it wus'nae so much a turn around, really. Ah just didnae go into the hospital dreadin' the surgery on the day. Aye, in the months previously in the led up, ah going through possibly "What if..." this goes wrong or that, botch and death scenario in ma heid.

Also, ah've always felt when ah get praised for summit in some way it's undeserved. Mibbe that's just me being humble or not really being one of drawing attention to myself. Expect when am wearing a t-shirt with an ironically funny, yet potential offensive slogan on it.

Or if the praise is just being said to make me less bad about myself when ah feel depressed at times. Though, it did feel weird gettin' praised by the hospital staff during ma stay, there.

The only negative wus the hospital food which was... pure shite! Awww, absolutely minging. But ah'll get to that once ah get round to tell ye about ma stay at my local hospital. Which has kinda been put on hold for now.

Mainly because...

• Ah don't get my plaster casts off for good until Feb. 22nd - just a few weeks away.
• Ah don't really huv as much privacy as ah'd like in the living room. With my sister and mum wondering what I'm up to.
• And ah don't realy like going into detail about this SPW with ma family. Other than them knowing I'm a member of it.

Personally, ah'd rather wait til I'm back in the solitude of my bedroom to tell the whole story. Since it's difficult to reply on here for me at the moment withoot hearin' tha wirds:

"Whit's this site yer oan?!" "Whit ye daein, anyway?!"​

Should ah write it in, like, a diary style format ? By which ah mean, give the date then the story of what happen on that particular day? Also, shoud ah go way back to the summer of 2015 and begin from there? Or would that just be boring as f*** to read about led up to the surgery itself?

theslowesthand said:

IMy mum's exactly same. Its that ego at play again. It cant stand being wrong, inferior, needy, helped, weak, etc

Click to expand...

Sorry to sound like a dunce here. But could you expand on this "ego at play" idea?

theslowesthand said:

Yeah ye's DONE VERY WELL!!! GO YOU!!!

Click to expand...

Yer too kind... Aye, ah've done well. But as my cockney consultant surgeon noted as when I met her for the 2nd time in 5 years at that point back in 2015:

"This should be a doddle for you, eh? Judging by that upper of yours. :shyness: Well built, so you should have no trouble when it comes to get off the bed or when we transfer you onto the gurney when you get taken into surgery"​

Ah think ah might huv a groin strain due to aw this resting up ah've been doing? :question:

Just one week to go... Then ah git ma plaster casts off, hopefully everything's healed up so they won't huv tae puttin' new casts oan? ::thinking:

Still not to get the daily injections to prevent blood clots in ma legs until the day of my hospital appointment to remove baith casts - though, the nurse who came in the day never said if ah'd be gittin' a last injection afore going to my appointment :question: Since there'd be enough time if the district nurse came roon early. Ma appointment's no until a week today (Feb. 22nd) and it's at 11 o'clock that morinin'.

Ah'll probably mention it the morra, but it's no like missing yin injection will make much different if am gittin' ma casts off that day. But better to ask just to be oan the safe side.

More positively as far as ma recovery goes, ah've been doing the knee exercises ma consult recommended. Just gentle bends of ma right and can get a decent bend withoot it becomin' painful. Just hope ah huv'nae over done it ? She just said about 20 degree at the moment, but that's wus at the beginning of February. So, ah don't know... The bending exercises huv helped with the groin strain, though.

Mind you, it's a bit mair difficult doing the right knee bend lying flat oan ma back, since ah don't want to raise too much to the point where am in pain. Ah just hope the x-ray turn oot awrite - £80 quid's worth of titanium keepin' ma right knee as straight as possible. So it better huv been worth it, eh? Given the amount o' dosh the NHS pit intae me, that stuff doesnae come cheap, like. Despite gittin' it done for free.

Other than that, just wishin' ah wus a mair confident speaker an didnae stammer as much when speakin'.

No sure the positive whole attitude vibe to counter ma mum's dour, miserable outlook is workin', to be honest? Ah mean, whenever she's said summit negative, ah've made a positive remark.

Still think she's to set in her ain ways to change now. Plus, she doesnae like me much anyway, proof of that is just how differently she acts and speaks around ma sisters compared with me. With me, she is always tryin' to hold me back or sayin' summit pessmistic to put me off doin' summit? Nae wonder we argue an git oan each other nerves. Embarrassin' me with shite attempts at humour don't work, either. But then, most of ma family are like that collectively. So ah jist dinnae bother with them much nowadays.

Actually, come tae enjoy being oan ma ain, the solitude. Aye, there are times when ah git lonely, sure. But, oan tha plus side, ye only huv yer thoughts annoyin' ya. An ah'll take them over loud, obnoxious, ego-tistical c**ty people, anyday uh tha week. Believe you me...

At least when yer oan own an bored, ye cun do summit tae take yer mind of it. If yer bored with another person sittin' either next to or opposite ye, ye huv to make up small talk or chat aboot summit topical.

And am no good with either uh them cuz ah stopped readin' tha newspapers or listening to the news long ago. Witn expection to stuff that local to where ah live - no that there's much gaun oan in the south of Scotland.

Plus, am just a dumb c**t who pretends to be a brainy c**t but am no as knowledgeable as yer probably thinkin'. Dinnae really retain information well, either. Aw that probably ties-in with ma self-esteem issues an insecurities aboot ma disability. But, anyway, enough bletherin' fae me fur yin day.

Countin' tha days... Don't know whit am mair lockin' forward tae, come next week...

• Gettin' a shower or...
• Gettin' back up them stairs to tha privacy o' ma bedroom? :thinking:

Well... It'll no be long noo. Just a few mair days then ah git ma plaster casts off. Hopefully, ah no be gittin' another set on? And ma splints will ready. Also, ah'll be gittin' a x-ray on ma knee tae determine whether or no ah cun bare ma weight on it fully. And hopefully everythin's awrite under there went ah git them off?

Just wee update... No that ah've been up tae much since January 6th. Ah jist hope it's aw been worth tha pain.

It's really startin' tae annoy me that everytime ah asked ma mum a question ah still get the :idontknow: response. Even a simple question.

Me being a smart-arse did recently ask if her hair colour wus in anyway an indication of her intelligence? And ah got a narrow-eyed look an right so, she's blonde. And it's sexist to play up that "all blonde are stupid" stereotype cuz not everyone in ma family is blonde, just...

Oh, an she also did a brilliantly thing which is only funny now that ah think aboot it. The other night she asks me summit.. And ah do: "Ah don't know" mimicking her usually response to any of my question. Then she goes: "Ye don't know much, do ya?" And ah just went with: "Naw, ma knowledge banks are empty". Because "Well... You raised me, ya dumb bitch" would've been a bit too harsh as a comeback. Plus with a line like that she'd find it difficult to tell if ah wus being sarcastic or genuinely meant it. Cuz we really don't get along much at all.

Sorry, if this wee story bored ye in any way, shape or form. Just summit vaguely amusing for yous until ah git ma plaster casts off ma legs in a few days. Then we'll see how things progress from there, physio an weight-baring an aw that pish that comes with huvin' expensive leg surgery or recoverin' from any type of injury.

Then ah cun finally git roon tae tellin' yous aw aboot whit a fun month an a half ah've hud - from Jan. 6th til Feb. 22nd. Am waitin' til ma next hospital appointment, just in case. Cuz some uh tha folk at ma local hospital comin' away with some funny one-liners, sometimes unintentionally.

But it's been a fun month an a half so it hus...

Graeme1988 said:

positivity is the key
How? Every time ah do suggest way ma mum could be better. She goes off on the "Yer always picking on me" guilt-trip - full price ticket £3.50. Half-price discount if yer a wummin.. Like ma oldest sister did when ah calmly asked why she thought continually comparing me - due to my beard and skin tone - to various negative Middle Eastern stereotypes?

Click to expand...

Perhaps i didnt word it right, as what i meant what not to overwhelm her negativty with verbal words so much (tho it could help a little), but more to "react" internally to her negative shite by way of "postive negations" of her irrational words, & indeed also trying to turn her negative suggestive & implicative inferences (jokes) into positives for you, thats all. :thumbup:

Graeme1988 said:

Sorry to sound like a dunce here. But could you expand on this "ego at play" idea?

Click to expand...

Well, it just means that the ego is actively doing its thing, doing what it does best .. if u know what i mean..

Listening me'self some ACDC .. havin a wee session of it, wth the grog 'n all! Playin it "loud'n'proud" as brian just said now (stereo on full-tit .. bass on good):thumbup:

So yee inta a bit of acdc i'd guess? a proper good 'ol scottish rock band .. nout like em eh?! :bigsmile: