Och aye the noo

like the t-shirt! :bigsmile:

I wish ah could see the good person that everyone else describes me as. But I just don't really think I'm that way, y'know? It's weird, I'm like this walking paradox.

Doesnae exactly help that I'm constantly nervous n' afraid. Afraid to say how ah feel for fear of being judged. Afraid to stand-up for myself for fear of coming across as the angry individual, that I still am deep down. Afraid to just express myself in case, as is usually the case with me, I'm misunderstood.

And, ah guess, afraid to be myself in case some c**t takes umbrage with me being how I am. Aw, quiet, shy n' sensitive n' that. Since that always seems to be the case with me, folk tend to take a dislike to me for reasons that I've put down other folk huv the prejudgement of me based on how ah look.

Ah dinnae mean in a racist way, or anythin'. F**k! Whit am I tryin' tae say here? :question: Ah've never been great with words. h: Like, ah think the main reason folk tend to avoid is due to ma size. But in the sense that I'm fat or anythin'. Just the broad shoulder, wide-chest n' big arms. Ah don't know, maybe that why intimidatin' is always an adjective that get used to describe me, sometimes? Ah know we aw face oor ain struggle n' that, but for me it's seems like this never-ending battle to conform and fit into a society where ah will forever be the outsider. :idontknow:

SpaceTime said:

like the t-shirt!

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:brindis: Cheers! Still kinda going back and forth on wearing it this weekend. :question:

Part of me is sayin':


Whiile the other part of me is thinking:
So, I'm kinda in 2 minds about wearing it, even if it's a dare done for a laugh. :idontknow:

Graeme1988 said:

ah think the main reason folk tend to avoid is due to ma size.

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I can certainly relate to what you're saying, I have relatives that have come across similar obstacles. Being average / ordinary / typical has its appeal that's for sure, it must be nice to just blend in and be accepted. On the other hand, Ive found that 'non-average' & also eccentric folk are often the more interesting people to be with.

SpaceTime said:

I can certainly relate to what you're saying, I have relatives that have come across similar obstacles. Being average / ordinary / typical has its appeal that's for sure, it must be nice to just blend in and be accepted.

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Aye, ah know what ya mean... It must kinda suck not to really standout from the rest when yer oridinary lookin'? Mind you, it's a helluva a lot easier than standing out, in many ways, at least from my experience of falling into 2 minority groups. That's been a right b@$%@*! growing up. :kickingmyself:

But I definitely feel like my build, brown-skin and bushy beard make most folk want to cross the street to avoid me, like. Especially since ah shave ma head 2 years. Goodness know how folk will react once I get the tattoos I'm planning to get. Nowt stupid, like, I'm only get inked if it's something that has meaning to me. And I don't go in for the whole get it cause it's cool mentality.

SpaceTime said:

On the other hand, Ive found that 'non-average' & eccentric folk are often the more interesting people to be with.

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Definitely agree there. Those people are the more interesting to be around.

Though, I don't know if I'd fit into either of those definitions? Except for maybe, huvin a weird sense o' humour. Then again, I'd have something not right with me, to wear the sorta t-shirt I'll occassionally wearing in public.

Also, I've never be one for liking the same things as everyone else, when it comes movies, music or books. That said, my mum and most of my immediate family definitely fits the "eccentric", because they're a bit... mental.

Graeme1988 said:

I've never be one for liking the same things as everyone else, when it comes movies, music or books.

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Yeah, thats the kinda thing I mean. More of a free thinker, making choices instead of following the herd. That's what I appreciate in other people and I find them interesting, they generally have interesting things to say. I hope in my own way that I am a free thinker, because I'll always be too shy to make the grade as a fully fledged eccentric. :bigsmile:

SpaceTime said:

Yeah, thats the kinda thing I mean. More of a free thinker, making choices instead of following the herd. That's what I appreciate in other people and I find them interesting, they generally have interesting things to say. I hope in my own way that I am a free thinker, because I'll always be too shy to make the grade as a fully fledged eccentric. :bigsmile:

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Same here. I'll take people thinkin' I'm extremely shy and anti-social over eccentric anyday.

Ah don't what to do with ma life. :idontknow:

Ah dinnae seem to huv any sense o' purpose.

So, eh, here's a wee addendum to that relates to this that long story ah telt during ma first weekend in Edinburgh. It relates to this slightly surreal encounter...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7ouJgugQKs

Ah feel like I'm back to square one in many ways. Things seems tae huv gone back to how they were before ma surgery. Not in terms of me physically, ma walking has certainly improved greatly.

But ma mum's gone back to her usual pessimistic, miserable self. It's so difficult living with such a stereotypical Scot, when I want to be more positive and optimistic. Ah also hate how my mum refuses to just talking about or reflect on past events.
Telling me to, and I quote:

Graeme1988 said:

Ah feel like I'm back to square one in many ways. Things seems tae huv gone back to how they were before ma surgery. Not in terms of me physically, ma walking has certainly improved greatly.

But ma mum's gone back to her usual pessimistic, miserable self. It's so difficult living with such a stereotypical Scot, when I want to be more positive and optimistic. Ah also hate how my mum refuses to just talking about or reflect on past events.
Telling me to, and I quote:

"Och! Just forget aboot it, it's in the past now" :kickingmyself:​

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Ah think this could also be the main reason why ah rarely open up about ma problems.

Don't what else to talk about on here? :idontknow: Since not a lot happens to me in ma daily life that even note-worth. January - March and the whole of August 2016 huv been the only eventful months in ma life.

Aside from that, there's troubles in Ireland. My older sister and Irish brother-in-law are still arguing. Sorry, I thought of that pun the other day, thought it wus funny.

I'm quite boring, in spite of ma weird accent. Like really f**kin' boring, like. Bookish, nerdy... Ugh! mg: Ah don't talk much, so best o' luck gettin' a decent worthwhile conversation outta me. Since it's been years since ah kept up with what's happening in the world to huv an opinion on whatever it may be.

Ma family don't really engage with me, what with me being considered one of the "smart yins". Ha! Believe you me, eh, ma bookshelves are all for show. :bigsmile: Just to give the impression I'm smarter than I am.

I mean, I'm smarter than my mum and sisters certainly. But that's no sayin', ah mean, they're feminists. Just a simple questioning o' their beliefs and opinion and they're pissed off.

Though, ah do think I realised too late in life that I've been the scapegoat for my mum's relationship troubles. Since y'know... Ah didnae take after her in the looks or IQ department. Which probaby explain my emotional detachment?

But still I've been sensible enough to avoid relationships. Not so much outta fear of women, just the stress they seem to cause.

Ah hate ma voice. :sad:

As I've said previously, I'm kinda stuck as far as where to gan with this thread? :idontknow: Since ah tend to be quite open aboot ma problem and life with disability. And the struggles ah face.

It's just, ah guess so much has happened tae me this year which ah've no really thought about much. Or things have gone at such a pace, it's been difficult keeping track o' everythin', y'know?

Actually feeling a bit teary-eyed just thinkin' back over the last 3 weeks. As odd as that might seem. Nearly cried as my sister and I made oor way hame, yesterday. Just the whole experience, y'know. Being in Edinburgh for longer than 3 days during the city's most well-known arts festival.

Not that I'm upset it's over for another year, cuz I've already got next year planned out in ma head. Ah know, that sounds f**kin' mental, does it? I am, however, going to miss going out for a meal every weekend.

But, aye, it's been a great laugh. And very memorable, overall. Though, with exception of perhaps yin show, ah think I'll go with the casual "normal" attire in Edinburgh next year. :thinking: Not because them funny t-shirt attract the wrong kinda attention, ah think they kinda distract the comedian on stage. Especially if me n' ma wheelchair get seated in the front row as is usually the case.

Ah know, that seems awfy considerate of me. But, in truth, ah just don't fancy the idea of becoming that guy who engages in banter at the start of a comedy show and ends up getting "picked on" throughout. :bigsmile:

Ah wish makin' friends in real life wus a wee bit easier for the likes o' me. :sad:
It's can be quite difficult tryin' to connect with someone who hus'nae hud the same experiences in life as you. At least, if yer disabled anyway.

Been feeling kinda weird the day. Ah don't know if it's being ma usual miserable self? Or if it's just the fact I'm back hame in the Borders, but ah really felt like greetin' aw day. :crying:

Must be missin' Edinburgh already. But, aye, it wus great experience. Probably going to limited the number o' funny t-shirts ah take with me next year. Try n' dress at bit more casual like, blend. No draw as much attention to masel' as ah did this year.

Or if it's just how ma life's turned out that made me feel this way? And how ah turned out. :idontknow: Because that's been on ma mind, lately.

I've been feelin' really shitty since gettin' back from Edinburgh. :sad: And, as if ma life couldnae suck anymore than it already does, it's looks like bookin' wheelchair accessible tickets for music gigs just keeps gettin' harder. :kickingmyself:

Don't know whether tae just phase those out entirely now? Since ah'll be look to get to many in the next year or so, and the bands ah'd really like to see live again tend tae sell out tickets quicker.

Eh, how come Graeme doesnae talk much? Is there summit wrang wae 'em, like?

Ah wish folk wouldnae bother askin' me this question. :kickingmyself:
But the reasons ah dinnae talk much is mainly due to me hatin' ma voice.
That and the fact naebuddy bother to listen to me when ah do say somethin'.
Plus, ah tend to get judged for how ah talk, anyway. So, y'know, nae point in openin' ma gob.