Of Virginity & Purposelessness

I'm a virgin, well sort of.

Moreover I live off my parents.

I know, I don't deserve to exist.

The Gods should've snuffed me out long ago, but they did not.

I'm still a boy, at 30, think of me as lapping up the warm milk from my mothers breasts, pre****scent, snug in a post-womb, womb, a womb with a window.

I'm terrified of work, i have no confidence, i'm afraid everyone will find out about me and my shames.

I'm scum, i'm the kind of crud you find on your boots after a long walk in the woods and/or at a construction sight, dried and crusted.

I am feces, urine and dirt.

I'm so bad that even after all that, I still manage to be proud of something, God knows what, but I have some pride in me, I even think I'm better than you somehow, beneath the shame, i just don't know how to prove it.

Nothing in my life has worked out.

In absence of pressure to work, i devoted myself to various things in search of meaning for myself, art, philosophy, music, religion, armed robbery, homelessness, but nothing really panned out for me see, my heart always wavered, there are pluses and minuses in everything, so now i'm free, free to be a floating penis, injecting myself into others affairs and in places i don't belong, laughing, trolling life.

there is no value here man, no words, nothing can be communicated, no meaning can be conveyed.

I hate this cumbersome brain and language we've been given, any portion of the cosmos can not be encompassed in something so inarticulate, inflexible and rigid as a thought or a word, so do away with words, get rid of thoughts, liberate yourself.

Man has still not found the right way to live yet, it may take us a million years before we've figured 1% of it out, but here we are attached to our old ways, a year even a day is too old to still be doing something in my book.

I'm not sure if what I wrote belongs here, so a 1000 sincere apologies to you.

Why do you think you're scum?

Ithior said:

Why do you think you're scum?

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Because I'm a virgin and unemployed, I'm a boy, I have no worth, no value, no dignity, I haven't lived life, I've never really known a woman, I have no experience, no meaning or value to contribute to anyone's, I'm pure crap, complete crud.

I'm a boy, you see, can't you see I have no value?

Boys aren't valuable to anyone other than their parents, boys aren't taken seriously, they're something to nurture, or otherwise laugh at, they can't produce anything of value!

Why is sex such a big deal to you? You know most of the time it's disappointing? In fact your first time will be disappointing. Sex is just one small part of life. You really need to stop fixating on this virgin nonsense.

Well then why did society brainwash me from an early age to believe it was so essential? Didn't they know that would have a devastating effect on my consciousness?

NamiraWilhelm said:

Why is sex such a big deal to you? You know most of the time it's disappointing? In fact your first time will be disappointing. Sex is just one small part of life. You really need to stop fixating on this virgin nonsense.

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I don't know... I think for females the chances of it being disappointing are much higher. What would be disappointing about it for a male? Unless he is looking for emotional connection and doesn't experience it (or has some other unrealistic expectations).

Not the point of your post I know, just saying.

I don't think the things you mentioned make you scum. Yes, it is difficult to be in that situation and some of
our more judgmental fellow humans might not cut you slack, but honestly, this theme is common among people with social anxiety.

Have you tried to get any sort of help for your anxiety/depression (assuming you are depressed - you sound it)?

Opaline said:

I don't know... I think for females the chances of it being disappointing are much higher. What would be disappointing about it for a male? Unless he is looking for emotional connection and doesn't experience it (or gas some other unrealistic expectations).

Not the point of your post I know, just saying.

OP - armed robbery? Did you actually - ?

I don't think the things you mentioned make you scum. Yes, it is difficult to be in that situation and some of
our more judgmental fellow humans might not cut you slack, but honestly, this theme is common among people with social anxiety.

Have you tried to get any sort of help for your anxiety/depression (assuming you are depressed - you sound it)?

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I don't actually think sex is a big deal, I know it and all that follows from it has its pluses and minuses like everything.

I tried to have it with two prostitutes but I'm sexually impotent due to performance anxiety and what I would call intrusive consciousness disorder, not because I thought it would be amazing, but because I see at as a sort of rite of passage, and i think others will laugh at me because of my status.

Yes I committed armed robbery.

I did it because I didn't want to be a burden to my parents, but I didn't want to work hard for the rest of my life, I wanted to be free, but I wound up in jail, the least free place there is, and then probation, I never went to prison, fortunately for me but perhaps not for my victims.

No I've never gotten any help for my anxiety really, or depression, I went to a clinic and told them I was having some issues, but didn't go into much detail, I filled out a questionnaire and it said I was depressed, they handed me some pills but i didn't take them, cause i don't want to be medicated, so i threw them out.

are you sleeping well? getting to bed at 10?

Totally unrelated, and it might be my opinion only because english is not my first language, but you express yourself very well and very clearly, through writing at least. Which makes you an unvaluable boy with a certain talent to express yourself through writing. Unless I'm wrong, which is possible.

Pacific_Loner said:

Totally unrelated, and it might be my opinion only because english is not my first language, but you express yourself very well and very clearly, through writing at least. Which makes you an unvaluable boy with a certain talent to express yourself through writing. Unless I'm wrong, which is possible.

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I was thinking the same thing. I really like the way he writes.

Pacific_Loner said:

Totally unrelated, and it might be my opinion only because english is not my first language, but you express yourself very well and very clearly, through writing at least. Which makes you an unvaluable boy with a certain talent to express yourself through writing. Unless I'm wrong, which is possible.

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I actually thought the same when I read his post.

Perhaps it's because I'm gay, but the constant repetition of the word "boy" is putting me into a happy trance.

sticking to the title of this thread. And since I have seen so many people on here get so worked up about not loosing their virginity

1.) Take advice from the many people who have lost theirs and believe it when they say that the good feeling that comes afterwards lasts no more than a couple of hours then you just feel like the same old person you were before and nothing has really changed. It can even be a bad and regretful experience.

2.) Todays society makes a big deal out of sex, its advertised everywhere, but have you ever really seen anybody being totally ridiculed for coming out and saying they are a virgin. Ive seen people talking about it on tv and they are never ridiculed for it, infact everyone just seems to want to help them. would you yourself think less of someone else who has never had sex? probably not and deep down this is how most people feel. Its paranoia due to social media that makes you feel inadequate.

3.) orgasms are generally more enjoyable when you masturbate anyway, the satisfaction comes more from a feeling of accomplishment afterward and the after sex cuddle so you could just masturbate cuddle a friend afterward (not immediately) or score a high score on your favourite video game and youd probably feel the same feeling.

4.) At the end of the day its just the action of sticking the piece of meat at the front of your body into another person and on this planet of 6 billion people and vast universe of countless stars and other galaxies it doesn't even make a single bit of difference whether you do it or not. It changes nothing in the grand scheme of things. There are other more useful and productive things you could be doing instead of trying to loose your virginity.

Acedia said:

I know, I don't deserve to exist.
The Gods should've snuffed me out long ago, but they did not.
I am feces, urine and dirt.
Nothing in my life has worked out.

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It's useful to acknowledge all these types of negative feelings. But once you've gone as far down that (negative) track as you can, they don't really serve any purpose anymore. That is the time you need to try to focus more on the positives in your life & about yourself. By staying focussed on negatives, it's impossible to become happy (which is what you want, right?).
One positive is: you are a child of God, made in his image.
Negative attracts more negative; Positive attracts more positive.

Acedia said:

Man has still not found the right way to live yet, it may take us a million years before we've figured 1% of it out, but here we are attached to our old ways, a year even a day is too old to still be doing something in my book

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I fullly agree - humanity is still in its infancy in all the important areas.
Funny coincidence : I'd just started reading the above paragraph, when a pastor (on tv, religious program) said '...god has insight into the right way to live' (about book of Proverbs in the bible)