Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

And now I just never want to be seen or go out anywhere once again. Heartbreak. I just look disfigured with my face sag and like a man. Nothing reflects how I feel inside, how I feel I am.
I feel like I would have to save up for a lower facelift. Thats how bad its looking.Really bad.

well today at work- there was a time where I felt really really disgusted and hurt inside just from seeing my reflection in a shiny metal coffee maker machine- then in a mirror and then in the toilet mirror.

So its kind of strange how with BDD, concerns - major concerns you had - completely shift to other things instead- leaving those do or die heartbreak issues you had previously into the back drift of major concern as something new has replaced it instead. Its like a cycle- hair, cheeks,eyes,nose, animated face and body.. right now its nose/eyes but most importantly the animated face - that is really getting to me really badly. Because I feel like a complete pop out ugly monster when I express myself and I smile with my teeth and talk and laugh- what people are seeing is super ugly when that happens. I feel like I want to just hide my mouth all the time. I just want to be normal. But its also hair too- but because I just push it back now- I leave it at the back of my mind. But everything is of concern lately.

Today when I saw my reflection in the mirror in the toilets at work ( and I even actually stood in the toilet to see better hmm.. well I saw someone that I did not like at all- and not what I wanted to reflect inside. I saw unattractive, sickly, long face, thin hair etc.. all the bad stuff and at that point I was glad that that guy doesnt work there anymore. Then I also thought that it was horrible to feel that way about myself that I didnt feel good enough to be around any guys anymore.

And that made me upset. Just to be around people at work and talk and try to be happy and friendly/supportive yet inside crumbling in image rejection and self inflicted pain. Yet, tonight I have calmed a bit than usual - because my parents are home now and I guess I dont have that pressure anymore to feel like I have to perfect for affection because he is not there anymore at work too.

Its taking alot of emotional pain for me to realise that that guy- how ever nice and seemingly feel like he cares - will never see me in the way he sees those images on the internet of women. And Ive come to realise that the pressure Ive been putting on myself to try to mould myself into liking my image by changing myself to try to get his attention and affection will never work because well at the moment I am seeing that I could never be able to change the thing I am hating right now- not even if I had the money. And of course everything changes in my perception too.

So I realise that all I can be is just try to at least accept my spirit at the moment and celebrate that - get to know it again , whilst at the same time kind of ignoring my image a bit and take a break from it because at this point I just cannot trust my perception.

I am trying to get myself motivated with eBay again. My shop has been empty since last winter. That is what my motivation is now at work- is finding the odd thrift thing like vintage books and stuff - buying those things for my store- finding worthy items that will make a profit. I have a huge collection from over a year of finding things.

I guess, even though I really dont like myself image wise- I think doing exercise with weights at a gym or home will benefit me - seeing / feeling my body physically and what it can do rather than look can be a good thing- and I suppose if there ever at all comes a time when I might actually like myself in the mirror again - even if its for only a bit - then to be healthy and strong and have a great body even if I cant tell would be good.

Another day at work. Gets easier. Just that lack of those hormones for that guy being there no-more kind of gets to me and its almost as if as soon as he is gone my feelings for myself- relating to how I look just scream that everything is bad. Not nothing good.

Twice today I went to the toliet at work to check my face in the mirror for some time. I dont wear makeup and Im not really looking after my appearance much at the moment. Funny for how concerned I am about it.

Ive also decided to not post for a while on fb if I can, because last night I wrote my heart out but not like on here- I just kind of wrote that I was having a bad day but that I should be proud for how far I have come since last year - as I was basically housebound then. Noone really knows about bdd and I will not talk about it either because it would mean being judged appearance wise and all that stuff.

I got alot of people liking my post and my aunty, old school friend, my boss- all commented good things to me. But at the same time I hated myself for writing and exposing myself like that - so only I can see it now. And also I guess it did bug me that the guy from work didnt even like my post. But I suppose that makes it easier to see him clearer dosent it.

It just still, it gives me anxiety and self rejection. To know that I am not important to him and never really was- that I was associating with someone that cannot medically help to have a grandiose ego and be the way he is. To be in some perfection woman mode and just keep posting women pictures as though they are real and his girlfriend or something. I mean he would always go on about how important his page was to him to be perfect for others to see. And that is although to some degree everyone does that - they want to be accepted and liked and express themselves - but to be so rigid in beliefs about a fb page is different.

Well, I still hold feelings - but realise they are my feelings and not really about him. I am noticing that now.
But I do have these dreams where now that I know that I am actually ugly- that I go and get surgery done - a nose job and cheeks done and stuff and my hair gets better and things - just to look better to feel better about myself. I did mention dreams, and that I was rich to do that to right?

I just think that all guys are superficial. With bdd it was always very hard to get to know people because I knew that if they got to know me then I was nothing- somehow- that I was just a plain unspecial nobody in looks. I dont know where that comes from. Maybe highschool idk. Because highschool I was popular because of looks (which looking back I dont understand now) and I had envy and compliments and treated differently to others- at age 13 and 14 that was my development. I guess I learnt that looks meant you were adored and loved and special. I think I have a lot of times in my life - traumatic and painful and good- that have told me that. And it just gets amplified around the opposite sex.

I just hate that I am talking at work to this lovely kind old guy and all that I can think about is how I look when I talk and that I am very ugly and nothing special. If I was okay I would be told that? They would act differently to me?

So there have only been 3 times in my life around men. As a teenager, in my early twenties and now in my early thirties.

All I know is that I crave adornment all the time. Yes that sounds laughable. And yet reasonable to say that we all do esp women. And esp women that have had nasty things said to them from abuse.

And I just want to have my outside reflect my inside- that is I want my femininity to show through. And I can do that with hair and clothes and looking after myself better and personally accepting and loving myself with self care again. Just takes time.

I once had a friend tell me in my early 20s that I could be very good looking if I wanted to. I think that is something that spurs me into bdd sometimes.

Anyway, I am just going to start up my ebay business again perhaps, plus start to either join a weights class and yoga class for my depression and bdd. And just kind of forget about looks for a little bit and concentrate on health.

I mean I know I look ugly in the mirror and I feel like I just have to change my reflection. And so that is why I need a break.

I was thinking about being creative again too. I would love to show my creativity like I used to in highschool- drawing cartoons and stuff.

I would love to show off to people to - just for me to say that I am more than this face kind of thing. Idk.

Woke up this morning didn't want to get up. A running thought that hits me in the mornings is loneliness and feeling rejected because I'm still that silly person inside wanting to know what is so wrong with me that 'he' doesn't want to really know me much anymore. And I know guys want their freedom and I know he is besotted in his own delusions of beauty and women in thinking that is love etc. It's funny though because if he actually saw those women without all that trashy make up and godforsaken some of those women with those black painted on eyebrows like I swear look like transvestites or clowns - I mean how is that even attractive? And I remember him saying once how everyone at work was 'average' looking - well to him - those women he do called likes too are in fact 'average' also - minus all that makeup and photoshop. It's just so stupid that he thinks that love is a woman in makeup - a desired thing and nothing more. That it has nothing to do with real beauty of a person with imperfections and personality.
I mean there are beautiful women - natural beauty in their faces and he way they are - not clown women you know.

Okay, so I am still in this little mind cage obsessing about looks. Its just so hard to be positive in anything on that stream at all now. I have really just given up and just struggle with it so badly where ever I go - esp out of home.

I just feel like nothing you know. I look horrid and weird, but I am also a nothing - that is just my feelings and thoughts.

When everything seriously just emotionally hurts right at the core - when you wake up to nothing as if it could be like all those other years - years as a fat hermit with no where to go , no one to see or who would want to see me, home with mum and dad and hearing them in the lounge threatening my feelings of independence , trying to ward off any of those past co dependence with mum.

It's so hard to wake up to this reality and it kicks me in the stomach do bad in the morning. I have no drive to look after myself - I feel so rejected and in pain and lonely. I feel like once again I miss out and am rejected because of the way I look and who I am.

Yesterday I had a FB conversation with the 'guy' about films. It felt draining because this is a guy that I have liked and yet he will call me mate in conversations as if I am a guy - whilst at the same time post copious amount of romantic pictures and videos and photos of model women he likes and roses and stuff on his page like in ode to them - obv in his psychotic world to some degree.
But it plays with me - that I must be manly and not feminine and not good enough and ugly and not worthy of any affection because of that. It hurts.
And it also makes me feel like i am def not worthy - I mean the first time I went out with him anyone would have thought of it like a date like I did and of got all dressed up like I did - tho I knew it would be casual so I didn't dress up that much. And yet I felt so played like it just re-enforces that belief that love or even friendship with a guy is in fact conditional - and depends on how you look.
If you don't meet thief requirements they really don't want to know much. And all this pressure to have to be perfect in some image that might deem attractive so that you get some. Affection - what's the point.

I am having a really hard time - feeling so lonely and unimportant.
When that guy was at work it used to spur me on even though it was for the wrong reasons and unhealthy - I at least then was practicing self care. Now it's just hard to even do that and the last few days I have over -ate - something I usually don't do - but this time I feel like it's been emotional and I worry about depending on that for emotional stuff like I did in the past after rejection from a guy in my teens and then later in my early 20s - both times led to me eating for emotions and getting very overweight. I lost all that weight last year because that guy was there at work and it kind of chemically hotmonally scared me into wnting to shred the weight. But now he's not here - that feeling is hard to obtain and I just don't want to go back to not caring anymore.
I want to care for myself but it's hard when these latest pain and rejection just from re entering the public again - and trying to find my identity and I just get someone who I don't even know is even a friend - but someone who makes me feel that I'm less than and unfemimine.

I just hate how when ever I've so******ed with people and then gotten to know them more - it's like I'm just not accepted - it's like they don't really want to know me- it's like a kind of pitty - like never really a friend - and always letting me know what I'm not and what I 'need' to be normal or accepted or whatever. Always that I'm not this or that and so don't want me in their lives.

And then there is always that silence and stark loneliness reality and that pain of not being accepted - truely accepted once again- can hurt to the core.
Time goes by that you don't want it to because it makes the loneliness and everything seem endless.

Has happened with guys - but also past friends. I'm just never truely accepted.

I just hate this feeling where I'm always left out and forgotten. Despite not being desperate and also being kind , fun and friendly.
It's like I have no value.

Instead of having most of the day - the morning in bed - I had to pick up mum from the gym - so I had to get up.

I ended up buying some rich vegan chocolate that I knew would 'wake my spirits' as I'm so sensitive to caffeine. It made me get stuck for some time organising my eBay stash of stuff I have accumulated and intend to sell on my abandoned store.

As I got stuck into that - the overlay of feeling forgotten and rejected and that very deep feeling of like I'm just stuck again, hitting a brick wall, stuck in waiting and wanting to be not ignored and not forgotten.

Memories flood back of when I was abused. There I was at 24 - I was living in Sydney - which was a different place to my home town states away. I rrmember of everything I had endured and lost myself and the pain and then that rejection with strings attached- I remember flying home with memories that I was an awful person and that was why I was rejected.
I remember when I was home, the stark difference in sounds and everything - all I had was failure and my independence withered and white noise stuck in the family home I spent years prior as a hermit.

I just remember though - still having hope and still holding on. Back then it was 2007/08 and I would still receive phone calls from him. Then, over time they just disappeared and a nasty email telling me all my faults and that I was not good to be around anyone. That he liked me before he actually met me. It was not nice.
But I just remember walking home all those years ago and eagerly waiting for that phone call that would never happen- in the midst of late autumn and onset of winter - the stark quietness and painful loneliness - it was very painful. It made me recycle constantly everything that he had said about me that was not right, from the way I talked, looked, everything - that I was not worthy to anyone.

It took such a long depression and even ptsd for quite some years to get over that and of course it made me become an even bigger hermit again for 8-9 years.

And now, even though it's nothing like that at all - just can't help but feel the same. The days are getting shorter and darker and depressing and I'm left with feeling alone and rejected by the guy that from work. I mean, I'm a very lonely person but I don't like to be a socialite / and I can't take all those photos in social situations because of bdd I have s def photophobia.

It's just that for all the faults of that guy, in a lot of ways I just felt like we were even , that I didn't have to have a career or anything like that - I was just accepted for how I was - and I could relate with another person my age with a severe mental illness that had halted their life.
Yet I guess - I'm not important, that person does not care, although we may be friends on Facebook and talk now and then - I just don't think he would ever really be friends with me - I just hate how people can think little of another. And the fact that all that bdd and romance stuff and being rejected because of how I look is to me like poking an already wound.

It's just that I am so lonely. I contacted an old s hook friend I saw the start of this year. I told her I hadn't been well and that was why I hadn't seen her since. When I did see her in feb - she was basically in social phobia - she tho had been a party girl for a good decade but had health issues now. She would hardly go out but just to work. So when o contacted her last night and find out shes going to some dress up festival with a friend - I guess I got jealous. She asked me if I had any costumes yo wear from work. It's like I am missing out all the time - like the minute I invest in people and friendships - they end up without me I them.

I end up alone. It's just hard as I don't feel like meeting anyone new. I just hate how people can kind of string you along and not really want to know you or have you in heir lives. No matter how positive you are.

It's like a part of me just says to hell with it all and what ever. And you go girl - do your own thing and if people are in your life then fine ./ if they don't want to be- then I don't care anymore.

When I was in highshool before I was abused then, I was one of those popular girls that I just did my own thing and there were always friends there - I always felt supported and liked just for being me. But of course after 14 things went in a different direction.

All I want to do is have that guy invite me over again and for me to have fun and a laugh and see things in perspective again - that he's not the one for me but a friend- but then he's not really even that- so it's annoying.

I guess I need to go in another direction. I just fear that I will end up fat and hermit like all over again.

Everything is a chore with lost interest.
I know how I can make myself feel better - took a little time to sow a tray of wheat and a tray of sunflower seeds and also tiny seeds in my bean sprouter.
I figure that just the tiny effort in caring growing and eating these sprouts and greens and juicing them - that it can help a little in my disposition.

I just hate this bdd where my face is too odd like it's not a stable face as it changes.
I have had those naturally kind of droopy eyelids since my teens and then now those mouth nose lines and sagged cheeks. I mean my body has been through obesity twice in my life so I have stretched my face.

It's just that I look different in different lights and all - my face is just not normal and in tact like people I know.

I just want to lie low and try to look after myself. Those fears of not being around that guy have sort of started to - well I just feel very insecure with my body - where as in reality when he was around I guess there was an okay a realism about things that I didn't have to be perfect - though I guess I thought I did.
Now I just want to try to like some bit of me. I feel like I have to go inward for some time and try to keep myself safe away from others perceptions and ideals.
I feel like I just need to try and find some calmness and through some self compassion and self care try to find some kind of love for myself and my outsides.

Well having a little hard time sleeping so I thought I would add my thoughts down like always.

Thoughts tonight, on fb the guy I always talk about - well he put quite a few videos up of himself trying to be amusing. They are in my feed so yeah - I don't hunt for them. Anyway, he's being silly but also there is one where he is just staring at himself in the bathroom mirror with diluted pupils but the look on his face just tells you that he is in a complete other world where he is in such grandiose of himself and with self power like he's the coolest person he knows. It's quite intimidating and confronting - I mean I know he is like that - but to have quite so many videos of himself, like his photos - lots in no hesitation - I don't know - it's just you realise that person is deep in his own ego schizophrenic grandeur and I'm not really much to that person.

But anyway I guess I just feel like I just for at least right now - I'm not really interested in him and his world.

Right now I just want to feel better about myself and thinking of him - being around him now makes me fret over my body insecurities like I knew it would - increase that anxiety and feeling so insecure in my own skin because that reality has gone.

At the moment it's on my hair and my boobs.

My hair through all the stress and very high cod and anxiety over an intense 4 -5 months - I lost a lot of hair - plus I've had such severe hair breakage from all the stuff I did - that now my hair is so sparse and delicate - snaps all the time- I can't do anything with it and it looks terrible.

I think about winning money and getting lots of plastic surgeries to be okay and become normal.

I don't know. At least tonight I feel like I don't feel like I want that guy in my life and without him feel rejected and left out. I at least arm feel like I don't need him right now - but I like to have that option thru fb that I am accepted.

Its just weird with me. I mean since year 2000 I've basically been a hermit most of my life - so the tiniest of things socially are big to me I guess.

It's weird that I only go back a year ago and I was way too ashamed of myself to even post anything on Facebook - and even on this forum too. I was so overweight and had been that way for 5-6 years - I did not want to be seen or heard in any form and my life was very painful with emotions kept in and eating over that. Now at least I write things out and also post on fb.

But it's just I enter back into the world society again and I guess he was that link for me of something I had missed out on in my whole 20s - that he being my age with a mental illness and still living at home - those things in common - idk

Now all I think about is confusion and disgust over my appearance and just shame and insecurity wanting to lay low and hide or try to fix all these things.

I know I write ALOT in here- I even have abandoned my own private diary for this journal- something about wanting to re-read my thoughts because I have put them online- where as not online I easily ignore them and they dont feel like they have been cast out and beyond but still there kinda.

Anyway, today--- so it was the working day today. And yes this morning not a great time- lump in throat- felt like an absolute alien walking amongst normal people. Like I looked terribly wrong and should be ashamed of myself. All because the 3 people I was working with told me I had absolutely no fat on my body and continued to ask tell me what I needed to eat- I told them I eat alot and alot of fat and protein etc. I eat alot of food and calories.
But yet, its like I have to be a certain size to be accepted- socially accepted and it hurt me because that is what my past was- conditionally accepted depending on how I looked.
Its like I attract this almost- like I always attract people who wont accept me because of the way I look or how they want me to look, how I should look- because I don't look right.

It was a nightmare this morning when that happened. Trying to not breakdown and every step feeling like I was walking in quicksand. I felt ignored too, like it was because of how I looked.
But I chose to try and be mindful. A trip to the bathroom to compose myself and then just take it very easy. Everything just feeling so empty and hard to do like in slow motion and inside just so hurt and in pain. Oh it was absolute heartbreak really, just the feelings that arrise even when you try to disconnect yourself to negativity in your mind. But when there is also outside reality influencing those negative comings like has happened to me in my life- its hard to try to find some ground somewhere to say that your okay. Basically rather I want to just get really ill- because the feelings are in my core- in my stomach, like a bundled up large black endless squiggle that suggests that I am never good enough to be accepted because of the way I look and now not even I like the way I look. I absolutely hate it, and there is not one inch of femininity of me that I can see anymore. I mean, sounds like I am a trans or somehting- no I am not- but I have always wanted to be more feminine - because I have always been that girl in her 20s and now 30s with her hair up and wearing pants and stuff - without the makeup and all that- now all I wanted was to see in my face some beauty- some femininity and my hair. My hair that is all broken off and fallen off - nothing I can do but wait around for it all to grow back.

But my face- I wont go there again. Well, its gone literally down hill and from all the stress with GAD and BDD and dealing with that schizophrenic from work that whole time- it all lead to serious changes in my body- to my hair my skin my face. I always look so tired and like my face has melted now and with such thin hair now too- I guess I do look ill and it sux.

That is why I am at least investing for the future because I do want to help myself- even if I completely hate and feel ashamed of my appearance right now- I just cant give up on my health- I just cant give up on myself even though I kind of have lately. Started my sprouting and going to start taking care of myself again and juicing and stuff. Its just hat everything I did to improve myself before was all because I wanted to show the guy at work that I had value and if I juiced and my skin and my mind went great then it was something that I could add to my attractiveness I guess. But now he is only in myself online.
Its just hard when you look in the mirror- like you just cant avoid it- and even when you do if your not going out- it kind of makes it worse- just going to the bathroom is like a walk up to terror anxiety kind of thing- just to wash your hands or brush your teeth- there is a mirror there and you dont know what you are going to see.

I think my issue - its funny/odd to say but it does relate with men. For when I was asked out by the guy from work- my reflection in the mirror would all of a sudden turn to something I could get to like- from something bad to that- in the space of a day- in the lead up to going to see that guy- and that I guess was why I was so devastated when he left. I knew that wasnt going to be there.

But I see even more clearly now how different to put it lightly he is. I see now how his illness was reflected in other peoples eyes now and its like - wow... you know I just thought it was me often that was the one with the issues- what I saw with him I thought that others saw too- but they saw negative things also- so yeah .

Like for instance today, in the afternoon I was feeling a little better at work- there is a new guy that works there now- he was there before the guy I had a crush on left. He is really nice and alot older than me but we talk about books and things. I can see how one can actually have a non threatening conversation with a guy - that anything I say is listened and apprehended I guess. For the guy I liked it was difficult to talk with at times and always that thing where you had to match his interest really. Always rude jokes and stuff but never about really wanting to get to know me, only at times when he seemed a bit better did that happen I guess. I would always think that it was serious rejection towards me because he would go for weeks without wanting to even talk to me- and so I would react to that- I would ignore him because I felt ignored and rejected and it was hard to approach him like that too. And I would think it was all me often. I especially thought it was me because of how I looked that if only I looked like those girls - those models he liked online then maybe he would want to get to know me. I mean I am sure there was quite a period when he did actually like me- and then I think he just kind of went back into his own world - I was too hard to deal with I think- too hard for him. IDK. But there was some weird interactions and feelings for a while. There was always intense sexual tension between us. But the kind of person he was/is its easy to feel intimidated by anyway. I mean today, I get home from work and discover on FB that he has quite alot of videos of himself doing all kinds of things- since the night before. From looking in the mirror to doing other things. Its kind of scary in a way - because its like you just dont want to mess with his kind of adoration of himself. His obsessive nature with his own thoughts and illusions of who he is and stuff.

I think I should say that I think I did very much fall for him and still there is a very soft place there in me. But I am getting better at seeing things for what they are now. Such a contrast.

This afternoon another guy that would work on the weekends came in today. I am pretty sure - well as much as I think- I dont really have the experience- but I think he kind of likes me- god knows why. But I think he came in just to talk to me and not to shop or anything- one of those people that remember your name and have to follow and be very close into your personal space - but doesnt do that to others.

The thing is I told him about the guy at work (the one I always talk about) about how he got the sack- and this guy said 'thats a good thing right'.. I was like woah from that because he had always so******ed with him. So I said 'You know he had schizophrenia right?' .. and he said- that he guessed it from the very begining because of the way he just sat there looking all spaced out all the time and stuff.

It was strange to hear that. Ive heard even customers say that there was that guy who worked here that they dont think understood what they said to him. So - it wasnt me. It wasnt that I thought that I wasnt this or that and still it is not that. Trying to get affection from someone who literally ,medically finds it hard to give.But in the midst of that, he had done. But in his mind I think with women - its just mixed up.

But anyway I guess even in the midst of BDD and heartbreak I guess even some guy that I dont really like can come up and flirt with you I guess. So I mustnt be that bad.

I guess I just - its just still a bit of a shock at work still, but things are starting to clear. I mean he was a big presence there. One day I hope to revisit his place and have a laugh and watch a film and that again, but I would like to do that in a way that I am detached from him- if that makes sense- because that is really the only way to stay sane and be around someone like that- the more I am away from him, the more I see the contrast of someone with schizophrenia- the amount of strain that even just to be a friend and touch base with- to even be acknowledged - I get it- its the illness that is entrenched in their personality and even the meds make it even worse to try to so******e. So I should forgive myself for ruining my health out of all that I did to try and get his attention.

Anyways, tomorrorow is another day. I just hope that as time goes by and I start to really look after myself again- I just hope that my health starts to improve and it can be seen on the outside too as well as the inside.

I just want to wake up one day and actually like myself- see femininity.

Okay- so today - eh the end of the day at work when it starts to get dark-

I don't enjoy work anymore it's just so bare without him there. I guess I was happy with little interactions with him at work and just him being there - for he kind of was a lot of things that I feared about men - I guess he represented that. And so me being around that every week gave me a boost as though I could be with a guy and like myself maybe etc.

But now he's not there and I come to realise depressing things - things that I kind of recognise now of what I had thought was perhaps liking me maybe was just something else. I don't know.
But it's just really still heartbreaking for me as I invested my feelings for this guy. I guess when in regular contact you don't see how different that person is really.
But again there were a few workers who mentioned the odd behaviour he had. And again that makes me see things a little clearer.

But it's still upsetting to still have these feelings. Knowing that I'm never am or will probably never be in his mind and knowing that even if that were the case, it wouldn't be what ever my fancy thoughts line to dream up.
I guess I just really hate it that I invested my feelings in even a friendship with him. I mean it's upsetting to come home and see o fb almost hourly videos of himself in the at groom mirror just staring intentently at himself - admiring himself. Almost for 2 days straight - the days he would usually be working. And taking videos of random things at his home. Whether he is just having fun or what ever - at least none of his other friends comment or like what he posts. It's just very confronting actually. But I hate that he looks bored and yet I am so lonely, but someone unhealthy in the mind like that without realising it - I just don't know what to think - it's like I feel a deep emotion for him because I know he can be quite kind and gentleman like and I feel sorry for someone with that illness- yet at the same time I'm so disappointed and kind of hurt that he is an ill person that I happened to got to know and it's draining. It just feels like I've got a permanent disappointment in me - I feel like I don't matter because I'm not mattered by him - because for someone with my mental history - social things like going to another's house - and stuff - is big to me! To me that means I'm in the inner circle - you've invited me in to be your friend. Yet it's not a solid thing - it feels like I will be easily let go of and forgotten. Dis respected etc.
He is different from me anyway. Going to some metal concert tomorrow abc what I thin about are women he will see- it's just silly - I'm just kind of laughing mindfully if those ghi fa that pass my mindscape.


Anxiety tonight so bad tho. It's hard when your in the exact same environment you've been in your whole adult life - the environment you were overweight and emotionally ate and was agoraphobic snd socially phobic in. It's hard when because I don't have that guy at work anymore - he seemed for me to be a cut through my past like I could get over it from him just being that stable kind of threat every week - and now not being there it's hard to not feel a sense of intense anxiety and fear of going backwards again and overeating and hiding and hating myself and not going out all again.

Like I said - I just want that feeling of when he wax thrre - to feel threatened into caring for myself.

How do you look after yourself when your very lonely and just feel left out and unimportant? How do you try to love yourself and your own company and find some sort of basis to do that? When there is white noise and nothing. Ive never had the emotional support in my life- Ive always had to rely on myself. My mum is doesnt understand stuff- from being majority deaf and stuff and she just ends up saying negative stuff without realising - even when I have told her about positive stuff. So I just never go there. Dad I just can never talk to like that.

The only person is really my therapist who just nods her head but never gives me advice really. There is on here- valuable but not in person is the only down. And at work, risky and I just cant say much.

So I have always learnt to try to think outside and around the box and be very mindful of my thoughts. Yet I am always so insecure. All I want is comfort from this insecurity and anxiety and to feel wanted and that I belong somewhere.

And its so stupid that I keep on thinking about a guy all the time that I was stupid enough to fall for - a wrong type of guy that is almost opposite to me and probably never even thinks of me and that has a severe mental illness that is crazy for me to even think that he would be even able to like me anyway. And then there is that I am not good enough in looks or what ever. But I just dont care about that right now.

All I know is that I feel like I cannot let go of these feelings because they feel like they were the ticket out of all those years feeling like I had missed out - I literally had missed out - socially and nearly every way possible. My development of my identity was really only formed out of abuse because that was the last time I was in a close relationship outside of home. But then this year and last year, - that kind of changed and I felt like my environment at home was not controlling me anymore because of outside. But now that things have changed again its very hard - in the midst of onset winter and it being dark - the lonliness and anxiety is unreal.

God I just hate feeling ignored when I feel so lonely. I mean why do I even like people that dont really like me? Its like Im on egg shells like I have to not show myself otherwise I will be cast away - that is just how it feels.

I am always alone.It just literally hurts quite a lot - that I am silly enough to get so disappointed because someone with a severe mental illness different to my own seems like doesnt really want to know me or care or be friendly. Perhaps most likely its the illness- but it makes it hard for me. To have those strings but at the same time just feel like Im nothing too.
Ive been there before. I guess I just need to be mindful and ignore it. But its always like everytime I find friends its like they dont really want to be with me or something idk.
I dont think I am clingy, maybe I sway the other way to avoid that idk.

It just hurts I guess that I am a woman and the only male person Ive hung out with kind of thinks of me as a male I think idk.

Seeing my therapist tomorrow. I dont know, I dont really want to talk too much about stuff. Because she never really helps me.

Last time before I even sat down she told me I was looking a bit guant and down in the face. The exact BDD issue that made it hard for me to even leave the house at the time.

When I mention anything to do with looks or boys or any of that stuff- its just really really hard to do. Because I know that nothing nice will ever be said to me and its like some secret knowledge that everyone I know knows- that I am very unattractive and so nothing nice is said to me and talking about boys or what ever I should be skirted to something else.

I got upset once again today. Well it happens every single day and night - crying in so much pain and I usually end up having to have a nice warm shower to calm me and then sometimes I will lie on the bathroom floor with my towel and just really cry from my insides. I mean I just feel so much hurt and pain there, in that solar plexis. Kind of like an anxiety attack. My breathing is always labored and my stomach all crunched in knots.

To walk around feeling like you dont matter. I do things when I go to work. I do things well out of my way for others.

The times when I am not working. And then I go on FB and I see his posts, and fine I guess I like that from afar there is still that person there. But even though he is a friend on there- I wouldnt call him that. For what the hell was I or am I to him anyway? Its like I am not really anybody to him. So its like I am holding onto the tiniest thing that is huge for me - and probably hardly anything to him. And to know that - hurts.
Its like, well if I was gorgeous if I just changed myself and put on makeup for once and dressed a certain way and then saw him- and he liked me- you know- its silly because I still somehow have those little thoughts in my head. But the truth is that he is severely mental - he is obsessed with himself and hat ever is in his mind. I mean I am severely mental too- thats the thing- that was the thing that I liked too- I liked that there was someone else my age like that- but - as just a friend I like to actually be a friend and be included you know- not just totally ignored all the time. So then I think so many bad things about myself. But I guess I have to remember that that person has an illness that makes him like that- but at the same time he just doesnt really want to know me I guess. Its just so confusing. He is severely obsessed with his fb page and you can see how ill or not normal he is anyway. But it doesnt mean you know, that one doesnt like someone like that. Its just I know I have to keep that in perspective and keep my distance. Its just sad and hurtful and painful really. I hate feelings like this even if it is just for wanting to have a friend, or thinking I did? And then that your not really fitting you know.

On Wednsday I will be going to this beauty place in the city. I will be seeing a consult about getting a little filler in my cheeks. Something I have never ever even considered before. I seem to think doing that will make me look pretty. Since weightloss in my face, I just wanted to see what this will do. Having bdd- god knows what will happen, and I will have to go to work the next day. Its just a consult, but it might happen on the day idk. But just to walk into the shopping centre in the inner suburbs usually spurs on my body image stuff, let alone go into some beauty place- where its all heightened.

I dont know, I dont look in the mirror anymore much. Its always kind of scary to approach - and when I do its like I have to evaluate - and either hate myself and then have this horrid affair or think Im okay and then wonder why others don't or then think if I change this and this- then I might be okay.

Saw therapist today, it's always a casual affair - this time at her house with her dog.

But it's still there and it's still very painful - this bdd and everything that comes with it - this depression.

I really feel so lame right now- still crying literally all the time and feeling so painful inside with horrid emotions.

Basically my therapist explained how I never have got any true good feedback in any relationships I've had including my parents and especially the traumas I dealt with. So I'm kind of left with at 34 or is it 33? I can't be bothered actually knowing anymore. But I'm left with this yearning all the time to want someone to say nice things to me and accept me and encourage me I guess. Can't get that at all from that guy. Only went out twice with him and he didn't want to know much about me and calling me mate as though I was a guy - I mean I realise inside I have had anger and used it to myself - inward and it still goes on. It's like I'm not good enough to be feminine, to have some attractiveness in me or something I don't know. It's like I simply just never have mattered to that person and just don't belong I his world, so I just can't hold on anymore because it hurts so much - to know in your guts that you don't matter to someone really but you accept the tiniest of crumbs - because you have done that most of your life - even to yourself.
I just simply can't stop crying it just seems to never stop.

The worst thing is that I just tonight saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw my profile - something that really can shock people sometimes - and it's like such embarrassment - I simple do not abt to be seen and I can see why I never ever get compliments , well except for I have nice skin from mum - which is never that I look nice or pretty - no one will ever say that to me and yet I feel like I have to try everything to try and get that - to be liked to take away the Nasty things from my past andmore recent stuff too.
I'm just so tired of it all. I feel like I just want to hide away again but see I've done that all my life and it doesn't get easy - it makes things harder - harder to go out more and things like that - it makes the sensitivities become more than they were.

L]I'm not happy but I can try to be. Very confronting having that there, but its something I might start to try to get used to because I have read how other people take random photos as a way of helping. I dont know- it seems a bit too confronitng to me but I will just leave it there in quite amongst here er. Tomorrow I'm going to a consultation for filler in my cheeks - something that for as daggy as I am you would roll your eyes. But I don't know I kinda thought it would help but after seeing my profile in the mirror and my nose and also trying to fix my hair ( so limp and brittle and 70 percent or more has either fallen out or broken). Seeing what I must look like everyday and how horrid it is and how skinny I am and my face weird and hair all gone rotten wearing it always the same tied back - no femininity.
I used to be able to see some nice things but I think it changes because of perceptions of from from others and everything goes downhill.

I hate how I just wrote stuff in here and it never saves - I was getting somewhere productive in my mindscape! Argh.
So I was writing about before I lost it, how I have this unrealistic dream often. Where I have to be able to be mindfully aware and try to laugh at it somewhat even though it is depressing not only in a depressing manner but also depressing as in feeling sorry for myself to even have to dream like that.

But anyway, here goes- so its like you know, Im just casually walking doing my own thing, its like 6-8 months since Ive seen 'him'. ( and this is why its silly because its still about him, but hey its just a dream and later I might change it to someone else), so in that time I have changed in appearance and in stature and confidence and happiness. I am that calm happy passionate girl I have always felt kind of like- inside you know. Friendly and open and kind.Oh , and feminine more than ever- and feeling free and accepted internally and also from people I have gotten to know- that over the course of the months I have really gotten better. And yeah, I look so much better, my hair has grown really long miraculously like those boho style, my bum is sculpted from hard workouts lol - like that lady in the Avengers (?), Im sporting tight skinny jeans to emphasise that too lol, Im wearing makeup and looking very feminine, and my nose has somehow shrunk, my cheeks rounder and my face got bigger.. yep And there I am just walking from the post office after sending off alot of my stuff Ive been selling on eBay from my trendy shop and ready to go to my yoga or weights class... oh and who do I see.. well I bump into 'him' of course. And he is still the same, yet very surprised to see me and see the difference in me and eager to hang out. And he compliments me of course and asks me over and stuff. I tell him Im off to my exercise class but I could see him later. And so we meet up in the evening where we had met up the times before and walk to the cafe to have our meals again. But its different this time because just in my being I am demanding more respect from him- I am not desperate to see him anymore, nor am I hanging on to crumbs from him either. I am just there because he asked me and I remember that I did enjoy the times beforehand. But its different this time, because he is present around me and acting a bit different. He says lots of nice things to me and asks me alot of questions about how I have been and what Ive been up to and stuff like that.

So that is my dream. lol. But the thing is that I think about dreams like that often before I go to bed. And the thing is I mean, if it made me a little happy, I could chisel my way to a great bum if that is what I dream about, and I could grow out my hair although it takes time (even with the inversion method), and I could start wearing jeans and I could be that person I described somehow. But, the part where I see him again, where I want him to say nice things to me and see me in that light, perhaps that needs to be me instead and at the same time I need to try to find those people that can actually say nice things to me without me trying for them maybe.

But having said that- I still would very much like that dream to be a sort of reality. But as much as I can change my appearance - I dont think I can see myself change how I look comfortably in that short of time anyway. And I am always going to still look like me. And that hurts to think about.

Had a very bad bdd day today. To the point where I felt so suicidal actually - but I would not act on that though - just that was how very bad it was.

So I drove an hour to this shopping mall that has this clinic I made an appointment for about dermal fillers in my cheeks.
I was so nervous about going there as obviously the emphasis is on looks right, and here I am not even wanting to be seen.

So I went thrift shopping beforehand to get my mind off the nerves and scored some selvedge jeans and 79s vintage jackets for my eBay store.

When it was time to enter this white lit clinic - I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought I would be. I filled out a form and then this blonde woman looking all perfect way older than me, asks me to come either.

So all it was was a white little room with a chair and a little round mirror on a bench. She asked me what I wanted and to look into this little mirror - which was like absolute hell I tell you! I could not for the life of me look in that mirror but I did and guess what happened then..?? Yep I saw horrors that made my heart sink in like I knew I would and to have this woman point her finger in the area of my cheeks and stuff and for me to look - it was highlighting it.

I had to mention to her about my bdd, and so it was reccomendef to go home and think about it all, apparently you get very bruised from it lasting up to a week or more.

Having a look in my face in that mirror I could see my saging cheeks and my skin was a bit dry and I look horrific and weird also when I talk.
I made up this thing that I was going to a wedding in a few months and wanted to gain some confidence. After telling he about bdd she mentioned hat I could go to a makeup artist.
She mentioned I had nice eyes - something she must say to most people- I could see I was ugly and it was dramatic to me how why I was even there - no femininity and looking how I do with people seeing this horrid face and body. I'm just not normal really. It's not fair. I just hate how I thought last year I was okay but then I actually see myself and acknowledge other people around me and know I am not.

I felt so ill walking out of hat place - walking in the mall - I felt like dyin literally. And yo even if thought romantic type of things in my mind before.

Well going to work today was probably something that was good for me to do. Even though I was of course late and had trouble sleeping last night, I still got there in time and did my usual work. But I felt very empty and depressed.
I said happy bday to the guy this morning. I know that he is not for me and that we hardly have much in common, but he responded to me- when I got home this afternoon there was a message that if I wanted to hang out tomorrow night. So I probably will. Taking in the knowledge that he is not into me and remembering the things that I dont really like about him. I just like to go out with a guy because it gives me a thrill like Im accepted - Ive avoided men for so long. But also Im really not liking how I look- my whole face- like Wiliam Dafoe - but not that bad - that is how I kind of see myself in the mirror.

I think yesterday it was such an anxiety to even go to that beauty clinic. The night before I was so anxious I was actually shaking and apprehensive. I mean I avoid hairdressers because of sitting in front of a mirror and being evaluated. Ive avoided anything to do with my appearance really for some time. Just look at my drivers licence - I mean geez- I was so overweight- my face was a blown up bubble and I was so, so sad. I had been that way for many years - avoiding anything and anyone that would highlight that inner neglect of myself, that femininity that I was avoiding.

So I guess its only been almost a year that I have changed. That I started to look into the mirror and actually take action on all those things - those girly things - things I have avoided for so long. Ive come so far, from last year - pushing myself of all those insecurities I had, pushing through them. So I do know that its ups and downs. I just guess that, well it is a balance thing isnt it. I mean to actually take care of your looks is to value yourself really- but it can so easily go the other way- you just want to change and want to look different when you see changes you dont like.

And that is the thing with me. It is my face. I guess I was so used to seeing my face and body differently. I was round and large and chubby and now I am kind of boney and my face is boney, even to touch my cheeks. I really hate it. And to put my bdd aside, I think anyone who has got these changes in their face would probably feel the same way. To have successfully have lost so much weight (even if it wasnt really acted on) is something I should be celebrating really, but to have lost the volume in my face- that has really got me feeling and looking ugly.

After some time since yesterday, since the consultation with the lady that looked like a 40 something Barbie, after that - Ive had time to think. Yes it was really really hard to even just go in there but I did that right? And even harder to actually be in a brightly lit white room with a mirror and a with a lady talking about my deep insecurity, my face. To look in that mirror that day was so horrible. To see my face was like burning in pain. I felt so upset and so ugly that I wanted to literally die right there. Especially seeing myself talk. That is one of my things I hate, is my mouth when I open it- I become super ugly then- its just my bone structure and my face gets long and well its hard to describe , but I just look different to my face when my mouth is closed instead.

The thing is Ive decided I want this done now. Because I know that nothing is going to fix it but this and she did say that it can be a dramatic positive thing to women. I know that I will probably be very unhappy until I get this fixed. I mean I will still be unhappy, but it will be one less thing that I wont like. It will help me look okay again. It will help me to feel a little confidence perhaps.

The thing is though, it means having to go in for another appointment. Means being strong. I do know now that any anxiety I have can make or even trigger BDD attacks. So I know going in there again - I know what I am dealing with in having another consultation. I guess I have to kind of like going to the dentist but far worse- like going to a spider park when your scared of spiders.
So it would mean having another consultation, looking in that little round mirror and pointing out where I want the filler to go and what is bothering me. I had a very hard time to even lift the mirror up and have a look. Because I was in a public place that was highlighting beauty and people with makeup and stuff. Its like I have 'safe' mirrors. The ones at home and at work. But any mirror is a challenge to look in and then to leave them. Except the one at the clinc- I could leave that one.

So the process would go something like she would after I sign some things - she would get a doctor in and then fill the needle and I would lie on a lounge type clinical chair and hold a mirror in front of me and she would work with me to put it in the spots suitable. And then there would be photographs I think too.

So its alot to deal with for something I so want. Photographs are the biggy as well as the mirror. I have a severe phobia of the camera. When I look into them in my phone, even if I see someone I like in the mirror, in the camera, its completely different. Its always been like that. In fact all my photos just about are really bad- like the start of last year when I went to this wedding, omg- I had a wisdom tooth issue then and my mouth was a little swollen and weird- but I had photos taken of me with my mouth weirdly open laughing or something =, but with white lines over my face literally from the sun pouring through the trees- the worst was that I was with other people and I was the only one with these weird lines on my face- it made me look like I had some deformity of my face literally and yet that photo and others just as bad were posted on FB- ones of just my profile- really bad photos like it was like that is how I am seen and that I didnt matter - to have such horrible blooper photos like that on fb at the time. And still today I still just cant work out why people - anyone around me can take photos of themselves and look okay and yet I dont look okay- I dont look the same as in the mirror. I look terrible. I just dont get it and it really hurts.

Anyway, to get this filler done, I mean I feel like I just want to go there, sit in that chair hold my breath and just get it done and then not go back for a year or so. But it is a kind of picky thing because I have to be looking at myself in the mirror and have photos taken and prob have to look at that too.

But I have this hope in me of the future. Of what I want the rest of this year to be like. Coming up to nearly the half way mark- its been rotten so far. In fact its been the worst its been in such a long time. But having said that I am dealing with emotions that I have held within me for so long. I have neglected my needs as a woman and an independent young person for so long so I guess it all coming out in depression and anxiety is natural and better than being repressed into emotional eating what I did for almost a decade.

So I envision myself for the next half of this year- to push myself even further. That means to still keep cutting through my insecurities, to still keep having these horrible bdd attacks where I feel so ugly and want to literally die - but yet surviving them and getting less intense,

I want to push myself to really do things that are out of my comfort zone in terms of self care and looking after myself. Because the one thing that I don't have or feel like I really want is that femininity - its like its buried deep down in shame in me- and last time I saw my therapist we talked a bit about that- and its something that I want to bring to the surface- and eventually feel comfortable with.

This is what I want- for this year- obv I want that filler because as superficial as it sounds- its something I feel would help with my confidence. After the drama of getting that done I feel like I can get on with my life. But there is always a risk that it might make no difference to my face who knows.

But I want to after that, and after the attacks that will likely follow, I want to live a much better loving life to myself. You know, clean my room and make it girly a sanctury, and to live my life with self compassion and self love- and not how it is now. Because hating how you look and inside really hurts and it hurts those around you- especially my dog that I so neglect.

Last year I had a quite a few months where I was kind of living that way, I respected myself and was well groomed and was starting to channel my inner femininity and self love. And it radiated too. It was really good. But I let the outside get to me and the tiny strings I go on to lift me up were'nt a match to the outside force- because Ive had very little if none at all really of encouragement and feedback in my past about how I look or who I am- just negative really or none - so insecurity and stuff just break me easily.

But Im one of those people who get motivated easily. I think through more sessions with my therapist, more pushing my boundaries with self care and getting to find my feminine side, things like working out, living with hope and compassion, acceptance and also trying to find that person in the mirror that I think I like, mirror challenges and maybe later camera challenges, exposure stuff,

My goal is to be able to accept and like who I look and who I am by pushing through my insecurities- changing things I dont like and accentuating things I do.

When you read about successful people - they usually say that they create themselves over and over- I mean you just look at madonna right?

So I am going through a pretty bad time right now and severely dont like how I look. I can accept that I am going to go through rounds of intense depressive anxiety attacks like I did last night that felt like I was dying in so much emotional pain, I think as long as I have hope and self compassion - hope for me is that I have seen before things that I have liked about my appearance- and compassion for myself inside despite my outside appearance.

I guess I want to fight back somehow. I want to be that confident, attractive, independent, self loving, compassionate, unique and creative, feminine girl I want to be. And that means trying my own way to beat my demons I guess.

Its really hard. But I just want to be well.

I know that there is a big part of me that believes that I have to look a certain way to get love and acceptance from people because of things in my past. Especially the time when I accidently found my dad's porn collection at 15 and actually ripped it all up lol ! I did that because I had just been raped and sexualised at 14 by my bf at the time- (we would be allowed(??!!) to sleep over each others places all the time, and this was a guy that would fondle me in the privates (with me pushing him away) under the desk during class with perhaps anyone - including the teacher seeing- also the guy's parents didnt have a bathroom door for some reason- but just a curtain instead- and there I would be having a shower and then no privacy from the then bf) but after being then ignored and dumped for a senior girl after all that forced sexualisation I was a huge mess- to then finding my dads huge garbage bag of porn- I mean yeah, I remember being obsessed with reading it and looking at the pictures as I never knew anything about that and really what went on with my bf at the time- till I read some thing that said about if a woman pushes you away that just means she wants it more and is just playing- had diagrams and all - that then made me rip everything up. Then of course it was found out that I had been through that- and without anything said about that - nothing about porn - that was taboo with my parents - it was embarrassing but I was just shamed instead, told that I couldnt be trusted to be in the house because I go through people's things and for a whole summer school holidays I was locked out of the house with a lunch box and drink bottle. Having lived on a block of land 7 km from town, I was just left there feeling ashamed and left in a paddock basically. So talking to my therapist, she says that I learnt from that- that perhaps I need to look like those women in the magazines and be all perfect to get love and affection- and my shame turns into insecurity- it certainly explains my past with an eating disorder.

Anyway, I have alot of pain inside that I jsut cant cope keeping in anymore. Also, I was going to say about my consultation and proceedure that I feel I want and kinda need. That if I watch enough of those Embarrassing Bodies episodes then maybe it will make me feel less anxious perhaps. Because those people who go on there with those deep insecurites - that is how I felt too.

Its just that since Ive lost so much weight its like everything has just gotten distorted and down hill. My face especially and also I have such boney shoulders. Its like I have to build so much muscle, in my face and my shoulders and my chest and my back, I mean my back has my spine showing. Its horrible to be this thin like this, but I am the right weight for my height. Its just weird considering how much I eat and how fatty I eat too. That I just am this weight. I also hate the saggy eyelids thing with my saggy cheeks - its embarrasing. And I especially hate my nose too- it just sticks out and catch a glimpse of my profile- omg lets just die in horror.
And my hair all fallen out. And nothing I put on helps me to look healthy, I look so skinny and because of my face eaten away and boney, it probably looks like I have an eating disorder. I just want to look happy, healthy - glowing with health and youthful and refreshed and pretty. Thats it.
I just feel like there are so many things right now that are a shock to me when I look in that mirror. And to see that and then be social is just hard.

So today I was at work and yeah okay I was kind of holding my breath kind of thing. I wanted to get out of there earlier than usual as I wanted to to some shopping in the afternoon. Of course I was all apprehensive about going to see that guy again. I know how it can make me. So I go from feeling very low about myself, to then perking up a little bit because I was asked to go out again. But at the same time dealing with this really horrible feeling of ugliness and all that. But last night I just had to try. Try to find at least someone in that mirror that was okay. There I was for hours ---in the early hours of the morning trying on clothes and brushing my hair and just doing kind of those rituals again and again- trying to find something that wasnt horrible. I think because I had felt a bit accepted I was seeing some little bits of okay, but still really ashamed of myself.
So today, after work I rushed to buy some jeans and boots. I just had anxiety and wanted something to at least make me feel somewhat confident.
But I get home and I thought it anyway that he couldnt go out because of the funds and he was tired from last night doing something. So I can understand that, and in fact I am relieved a bit but also disappointed because I mentally prepared myself I guess. But the thing is now, I havent been able to calm myself down and my bdd is severe tonight. I spent an hour or so looking up various things I could do to correct my face online. Like droopy eyelids and such.
But see, its not just my face right now, its my body too. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin and my face is so horrid. I feel so emabarrased and ashamed of myself. Its like there is nothing I can do to get these feelings to go away right now. And I know that is prob to do with being so anxious today and then dissappointed. I guess because there are no posts on fb from him tonight, you kind of think other things I guess. But I dont really care about that, I just feel confused and tired and high in anxiety and distress with my body.

I mean my body is so boney right now, my shoulders are so boney, my arms, my face, its like Ive waisted away my muscle. I hate it. And yet tonight I am even struggling to eat, to eat my dinner. Im too depressed or anxious and it feels like my stomach is full when its not. Im just so mentally exhausted. I dont want to deal with the mirror right now or anything to do with image. I am feeling so negative about the future about it all and now and I think about all the things that I would have to have done in order to even have a partner. Which is really silly.
But its my whole image esp my face and my chest and that are getting to me.

Its like I go on Youtube trying to find a movie to watch that may calm me down and yet all that I can think about and see are triggers everywhere in people's faces and how they look. Huge triggers are young women and all that. Its something that will or can break me when Im so in this state. So I dont really know what to do. I mean do I take ibuprofens (only 2 generally knock me out) so that I can perhaps try to sleep this out? I dont know I just feel so insecure and so ugly. I guess I put pressure on myself since last night to try and find someone in there.
I did get a compliment today though about my blue eyes at work. That they glow in the sun. So that was something. But my whole face is horrid like nothing could fix how bad I look you know. Even so I still am going to book for another consultation with that clinic soon. This time I will write down what I am wanting and stuff like that.
Just dont want to feel this way anymore though.

Ended up finally getting to sleep last night, but had bad dreams. And every night my dog (who's old) wakes me up about 4 times in the midst of deep sleep, to go out and do his things*. Funny that he can sleep all day without wanting to go out though.

Anyway, managed to go to work today. Not that I had to, but its something - to just get out and go somewhere and be around someone right? Take my mind off things I guess. But lately its not really. I am just not happy with myself, I am the opposite of content and it really hurts and give me anxiety.
I dont own how I look. I hate how I look, or really I am ashamed of how I look. I am deeply insecure with myself.

I think I used to get myself into these things for years, I would just have to vigorously avoid anything to do with looks and all that. Kind of like, wrapping myself in some cotton wool for some time until one day I could look in the mirror and maybe like what I saw. I mean that is what I used to do really , if I think about it. I had this book that I would always read that was a natural health book. At the start of if I would always read as it would talk about taking stock. I guess I feel that way. I want to try to like myself, becauseits all so bad atm.

I guess I have that goal. That is my goal, to like myself. I mean, I stare at my empty pinboard that used to have for 6 months diet related goals on there- about how I was loosing weight and what I wanted and when and to hydrate and all that stuff- and I achieved all that, they all became habits even regardless of me not exercising.

But I guess the thing that let me down was my face. I believed that eating a certain way would guarantee me good things I guess. Probably part of my bdd idk.

So I just went on FB and there is stuff there in the feed that pulls my strings that makes me really hurt inside and insecure. And I guess here is where I will mention it, why not. I know its nothing to do with me. It just really hurts you know. Just that basically I guess I am not even a contender really and that goes to because of the way I look. So it just makes me want to hide away again you know. Its like another stab- of really cementing my ill feelings about myself of not being okay, not being feminine and all that. I just hate it. It really really hurts.

And anyway, I really for the life of me do not get this drawn on eyebrow fashion that seems to be so high with some women these days. Pardon to be mean, but they look awful to me- they actually in my own perspective look like a transvestite/fake not pretty. I just seriously dont get it. I dont see how people can think that is pretty, really??!! And its funny because these women I think even shave their actual eyebrows to draw on eyebrows?? Does that make any sense? Funny because these are the women that I get confronted by on facebook because the guy I have stupid emotions on posts pictures of these women all the time. I just dont get the fashion of having this same look of long hair and thick black drawn on eyebrows lol. Could you imagine if that guy actually went out with one of those women, and saw her up close- with all that makeup on- imagine it all wiped off in the morning with no eyebrows lol. These women just posts photos of themselves so fake- with cakes of makeup and doing those selfie poses, did I not mention photoshop too? I guess there are ways to cope with low body image and insecurity - one of them being to do those things I suppose. But its just so stupid that you get men on Facebook loving these women because of their photos - yet they are just not reality. They are not who they are, they are painted and everything. What ever happened to sweet, normal natural pictures?
I mean if I look at say, Miranda Kerr - I think that is pretty and natural- but if I look at those other women with the big black drawn on eyebrows - I see ugly manlady.. just saying.

So men can have a completely different view to what a woman may think is pretty. I guess I am glad that he is not attracted to me. But it has hurt because I still hold on for my own reasons. Im not really holding on to hope or anything like that- but I still hold on that he is at least accepting me in his life somewhere. And I know that is kind of intuitively telling me Im not good enough as a female - as a friend, as more etc. I need to and am starting to let go a little now. I guess I feel like he is better than me in sp many ways now- I used to think and feel the other way for some time until he got into me at work.

So I guess I just want to feel better or on par from him. What I mean is that he has his life and all that, he has his delusions, he is not into me at all. I mean that is it, that is the rejection that hurts and its like the more I hold onto connections with him the more it makes me want to preserve myself- go into myself and hate myself and get anxiety and depression and bdd because Im just rejected as a woman, as attractive.

But talking about better, staying away from him and just not caring about him and his life and not even seeing him as a friend. Just forgetting about him. At the same time knowing he is still there because I feel I still need that string of connection there - that tells me that I am different to all the other years I avoided men I guess.

To just try to have like I mentioned before- hope/belief in better and compassion for myself and riding the waves but being strong.

I think I am always for sometime going to have this ugly image of myself. But I can try to re-build myself inside and work on some things that will perhaps give me confidence outside. I mean its all about coming to a balance I guess.

It is just very horrible and crippling to see your face looking like the wicked witch or something. Even I cant look at my dads face lately much because I see the things I dont like in my face that are in his! Its just obsurd.