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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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aughh. I just feel so confused as to where I am living right now - its like 2 different hemispheres and responsibilities and its weird because it took alot of peeling me away from my own world to live with him and leave my own stuff - and then bam- his friends there and its like go back to your own things again.

I am one if those people that like to please others. And I havent been bothered to please myself much at all because I have left it and left it and backed it up - compounded my needs to where it feels easier to override them with doing things for others rather than facing them.

I guess I feel like I dont know myself anymore. I mean when you are in another person's environment - you can become like them - esp spending so much time with them.

I have always been goal oreintated and always known where I am going and had my thoughts out so that I didnt feel overwhelmed as much as what so easily happens with anxiety disorders and ocd and all that .

I mean, all I know is that before I went out with him, I was really enjoying knowing myself and my identity as a raw vegan chick foodie - lol - I was a purest and took for granted my fresh air at home (as now its polluted with smoke from my partner at his place) and loved feeling like I was re-newed and alive and off the dogma track - compared to everyone else - I felt amazing in myself for eating raw foods and juicing like it was gold. Just that feeling of feeling free and being like that for over a year. Despite my emotional roller coaster and bdd and all of that - the one thing that I loved was knowing my identity and my own space and who I was and having my room with my own stuff and everything. Also having a mystery about me- having him not knowing everything about me - being able to have the time at home to do those girl things like pluck my eyebrows and self care kinda things.

I mean for 6 months now I have been living with him- lugging my stuff here and there in bags - my clothes etc..
Its just been a whole emotional journey that has not been easy for me. Yet I am always lurred there as I have never really had the independence at home here as mum has been in a codependency with me. And that is hard too. Because my responsibilities at home waver over me being at his place. Things are all neglected at home and I feel tremendous guilt.

Im at home tonight. anyway.

Its just when Im home- for the last 6 months its always been a huge rush to be over his place - like a time limit to get there. So I havent really spent any time on my own in my own environment really - not for a long time.

So its the identity thing.

I just feel like I want to avoid myself and please others instead. But at the same time I get sick of myself and have these goals in mind and what I want to do again - and yet I guess I just am used to now putting myself last. Like its going to fail putting myself first.

And also, its the feeling of being alone I guess too.

I just know that I want to nurture myself again and get back into a routiene and find myself again - my sense of self - Ive just lost it and am not living my true self - and it makes for so many issues that can lead to addiction and stuff with junk foods or what ever.

I guess people imprint on you and its your duty to not conform but to stand up for what you believe in and your own lifestyle and make a point about it by continuely showing others the way you live.

I just feel so well - toxified by eating the wrong foods and stuff. I long and yearn for my raw juices and stuff.

So its what I have to do.

I just got so emotional going over to rugs place where I live now - after spending a night at home for once and going over there and he didnt get my message that I was popping in to get something and catching him and his friend smoking in the room. I mean, I sleep there. So there is no way that I am going to sleep there tonight.

I guess its just that - Im going out with a person that does not have the same values as me at all. My biggest value is my health and I am a health nut.

I do not sleep in a room that has been smoked in all night.

That is disgusting.
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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Actually. Its really odd that he (rugs my partner ) quit Facebook the other day. For the first time ever. I mean his schizophrenia was about FB. Most of his time was on FB. He had to look people up all the time and see if what ever he did on his page would make them do something on their page. And it got to the point where he would look up random names and just block people all the time that he didnt know, but perhaps thought that they all where looking him up.
So he decided for some reason (perhaps my influence) that he would just put his page on private and then he ended up purposely loosing his other FB passwords to his other accounts so that he wouldnt look people up anymore- as he realised when he couldnt do that, he would become less about his past and less angry and competitive etc.

But then all his stuff he put on his page -(in his words he always said he worked hard on his page ..) - he realised that noone was really liking his stuff or what ever and decided the other day to just delete his Facebook account. And that is such a big thing for him - its really weird.

But the thing is that I cannot contact him anymore on messages now. Its like he didnt think it through. And it just I guess in a way feels like Ive been neglected a little bit because everything basically on his page was mainly about either his music or our relationship and wher we have been for the day and stuff like that.

His banner on his page was love hearts and romantic things with images of me. (which I hated - like really hated the images of me as they were reallly bad... and would spur a bdd attack if I would look at them..) .

So well at least those photos are gone - if not for a little bit anyway.
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Old 3 Weeks Ago
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Okay- so being home in my old environment and actually cleaning my room - my room at home- the one where I have spent most of my life.
And Ive taken back a bed that I had pushed together to make 2 for when ever rugs stayed over. And so its back to my single bed again. and it feels kinda weird.

I realise that when I am in this old environment, I get BDD symptoms - the old OCD starts up and I feel really agitated a bit and severely hate the way I look and quite scared of any reflective surfaces and the giant mirror on my ikea white wardrobe.

And I do know that although I was really into my health in terms of juicing more than 3 times a day and eating high raw and enjoying my food at the time in May- just before I was asked out by Rugs. I was also very very depressed with severe BDD at the time that I was even bedridden for quite some weeks. I was so depressed actually in that time. My issue was that I loved the way I was eating but I had lost so much weight that my face had drooped and it was really really bothering me. I remember going to see a clinic and had a few consultations on cheek fillings it was that bad- yet I couldnt look in the mirror in those sessions - I ended up seeing myself and it all feeling highlighted that I just was so ill. I couldnt hardly walk and pushing myself to go to the doctors and stuff was an ordeal. I also was in depression about Rugs who at the time flirted with me and was like a good friend at work most times and asked me out - to his place - treated me like a queen and yet made no intentions that he liked me - and then nothing. Like he jsut didnt want to know me. And of course my BDD and then seeing his Facebook page at the time with all pictures of models/women - it was just intimidating and severed my BDD. I was so depressed and then he got sacked from work so I got more depressed because even as a friend at work- someone my age with mental issues and the same sense of humor that I could laugh with and be myself - an actual guy my age I could feel comfortable around was very rare to me. It felt down to earth and then he wasnt there anymore. So I felt like I had lost a friend - or a potentual mate - I was caught up in.
And I just remember being so so ill. Like really whaling crying in the shower. and at one point then, I remember my parents went on a holiday for a week and so I was home alone and it was pretty hard. I had no distractions from my ocd/bdd and got really bad- I mean bad as in excruciating emotional pain - of hating the way I looked and not wanting my face to be seen anywhere - not even wanting my parents to see me when they got back.

But its funny because, I remember despite those things and then pushing myself each few times a week to go to work regardless, I remember messaging Rugs for the first time on Facebook and telling him I was sorry he was sacked and good luck for the future.
And it was at that point where he became friends with me on Facebook and then asked me over for the first time in 5 months (the first was new years and I think that was kind of intended as a date). I hated feeling rejected - I didnt know what that was I remember being so frustrated and hurt a bit.

But then he was asking me over at his place at like 9:30 at night, to sleep over and hangout and watch some films. So I just treated him as a friend. I thought, despite my issues with him and not knowing how he thought of me - I thought well he just must'nt think I am attractive then - and I just decided to look after myself though and concentrate on tryng to love myself and practice self care and being a positive person socially and authentically and just enjoy myself and try to get out of my bdd.
I guess it was thrilling to be invited to his place seeing I had an obsession with him because of the way he went about with me I guess - to just of left me hanging for months was really not nice and yet hint to me at work kind of as just a friend or more. It was a hard time but I learnt alot about myself and was able to find so many gold mines in myself at that period because of it.
But its still quite weird because from that point on - after a few times staying over his place and always talking on Facebook messages - and then he asks me out. And I remember saying that but he doesnt think Im attractive and he said that he did. But apparrently didnt like the way I dressed- which I am still really annoyed about and think what a superficial thing - and the point that I was actually wearing modern up to date clothing and not stuck in the nighties like him omg. Like Im wearing brand new online clothes from Asos and so on and he is wearing the same old second hand clothes. And hissister being stuck in the 90s too. I mean, what ever he had some image of all women being generic and having to wear a huge load of make up and dress formal all the time or something?

I dress pretty casual - I dress like a vegan lol. I like my fred perry or converse flats even keds, and I like to wear white and grey. I like to dress smart and cool. I like the idea of dressing like a ballet woman in between classes lol - if that sounds so funny.
You know - Im like a white tshirt and black pants or skinny jeans.
Im not going to wear some black 90s dress - or trashy fluero pink etc..
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Old 2 Weeks Ago
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Just feeling exhausted and like I feel like I am 'needed' by my bf in a way that makes me have to do everything- carry him etc.

That he sometimes often just lacks the compassion or awareness of how much I have to do for him. Like he is entitled to it almost. And lately I just feel like I really do need distance from him because being in each others hair - me being over his place for 6 months now and not being able to truely look after myself in my self care ways and being in someone elses home- and their own world - didfferent to my own values and things - environment - with his parents and sister in the adjoined house- (we live in the double garage)- its just really tight-
I have to be in his environment and always be the one going to him. He hardly stays even an hour at my place and when he is there he is kinda rude. I have to go out of my way for him all the time and yet he can just be uncaring and want me to drive him all the way back to his place and then I go back home again - just because he doesnt feel so and so like being there - those sort of things he is capable of doing - its like any discomfort he has he cannot take- and yet myself - I am going 6 months without any of my own things - having to constantly make myself sick by tryiing to remember everything I need to take with me - to pack my food and everything every day plus buy things for him - plus take him places.
At least he uses his car well sisters car and takes me some places - but he never fully fuels up.
I jsut feel like - yesterday I got bdd a bit after having a photo taken from this stranger with me and his sister. And it freaked me out as I have a full on phobia of photos and his sister is very social and its like everyone likes her and has to go and talk with her like she is charasmatic or something - but yet they dont see what I see behind the scenes I guess. Idk. I jsut felt funny because people have a thing about her and how she looks and I cant really see it but when it gets said it makes me feel very inferior and when she pointed me out to people and said thats my sisters girlfriend and people just look at me quickly and then ignore me - it kinda like they see me and acknowledge me as nothing special I guess. Idk. But for me - ive spent a very long time away from the world in social phobia for over 20 years of my life really and its just I feel like Im not special and centered in my own world anymore.

I also feel like I am being taken for granted with my bf a bit and just so tired of putting myself last and having this anxiety.

I got a bit funny yesterday and said to him that does he still have feelings for me - and he said yes very much so but he always says I am a good person- of course so -- and then said that he needed me.

I then repeated myself and even said that are you sure your feelings have not gone. You know because we have been spending everyday together. He said he would tell me if that was the case.

I guess I feel like I said - taken for granted - it feels like im part of the family and like an old marriage kinda. Like I am the man doing everything for him - taking him out all the time and being the one with money - when I dont have any.

I dont know- I just feel like I want to find myself again - away from him - my identity is not him- its like my time is his all the time and I have to rush around and not really able to spend time on my own and do my own thing- unless I have a time to come back. Its like he is always just hanging at his place and I am the one to have to rush all of the time and go see him all of the time - although I am living there.

I want to feel like a girl again and do my self care stuff - I so want to do my kitchen stuff. I want him to provide for me not me provide for him - in so many ways. It just makes me so tired carry him all the time.

I need my time to do my things and feel special again and define my identity and boundaries and how others are towards me.
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Old 2 Weeks Ago
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Really having bad bdd - well not as bad as I've had in the past . But different bad I guess.
I feel really embarrassed how I look with my face and it's really hard being in a relationship with someone who has a high ego and likes to look at his millions of selfies all the time an a sister who does the same with hers - that dogma belief thing . And feeling inferior and living with them in an environment completely different to my own morals and beliefs and lifestyle - it just warps me and I feel lost. And not liking myself or loosing myself.

It's like tho before I could I had that time to do my self care own things and now I don't.
And I need half my life back I guess. Having bdd is a big deal even tho I like to think and believe that I don't have it.
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Old 1 Week Ago
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Im at home today. After spending most my time over my partners place. Im just so exahausted. Im on the pms too. But its just I feel so squeezed and in stress, neurotic ..

I know I have a partner that has no values like mine, that wouldnt know about values or have interest in them perhaps. There are so many things that are putting me off him so badly, that my instincts tell me no to him. That I feel like I am holding myself short, just to be in the prescence - to live with someone who lives the opposite to you, does not hold your values and I become the complainer a little.
I mean he just sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and Im always on his time - rushing at my place to go to his and yet he is there completely at home and comfy and doing what ever - like Im not there. And this happens over and over. I dont want to be in smoke and strong deoderant and even though he goes out of his way for me. And then there is his taste in things completel different to mine and just living in his place with his family and their values and thier tastes and its all different to mine.

Im just afraid that I feel like I have completely depleted myself. My true self and need alot of home nurture to get back to even my health.

You know I just do this with everyone- I go out of my way in anxiety and rush and just put others first. I enjoy helping people and doing things for them and caring for them - but I just now - you know all that made me who I was and was becoming 6 months ago - Im just so tired and conflcted in my mind. Taking so much energy out of me.

Everyday I think about how I used to have just the time to just you know do a project at home, be able actually have the sustainable time to do my hobbies. The things that made me me and made me happy and gave me a surge. I compromise every single time I go over to his place.

I want to grow my sprouts and juice and use my cross trainer and actually not have pain in my lungs again (since Ive been out with him.. he is a smoker) - to actually fully breathe freshly, to not have some weird musty odour coming from my hands and body.. ( I think its tobacco).

I just feel like I just do too much to make him comfortable and happy and hardly stand up for myself. I feel bad if I tell him that I want to stay home most of the time now. That I want to sleep at my place and not his.

Everything just feels so restrictive. I am a person that never conforms and its just so tiring. He has this belief system that is solid to him but in my opinion inflexable.

I jsut dont want to be part of that. But he is just so dopey all the time and sleeping all of the time literally. And so now I see my health completely declined and health is on my prioritylist of values on the top of everything. That is how I have to live. So that is just what I will have to do.

Everything in my own life is just so neglected from abandonment its not funny. But I get this surge of energy all the time and this lure that is so hard to retract from to go to his place - a surge of excitement and independence from home I guess. And a want to fix all things mentality.. that sort of thing.

Right now I feel my bdd come on. That feeling where you feel uneasy about yourself. Im sick of myself and how I look right now. I want to show people who I am and I feel like my identity gets stepped on being with him because he is the opposite to my values and dominant, although I am the one who initiates things we do together.

I feel lost being at home on my own. I mean he gets to do things at his place. I havent done anything with my place in over 6 months because Ive been with him.

And now I just feel so conflicting.

If I think about things I want to do- its about me having to go back and fourth to his and that I will not be able to do those things at home. My anxiety disorder and stress just burns at the flame. Im so worn out and feel like just going and taking stock and getting into a depressive slump and leaving everyone for a while. Too many people want too many things from me. And I just want to have some quiteness and my time and heal my lungs and my body and do my juicing and stuff.

See thats the thing, I make the time to do that and avoid going over or sleeping over for awhile and then I do and my lungs will go back to unclean again.

He smokes well away from me and stuff- way outside and round the corner - but its still on him and it lingers in the air all of the time and all these tobacco leaves left everywhere and I clean them up all the time. Apparrently I winge. But you know I dont want to get sick.

Anyway- I just am feeling tired from all this.
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Old 5 Days Ago
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So hot severe sunburn today watching the cyclists in the tour down under in my home town. I didn't bother to be sun smart and now with a case of sun stroke.
Tomorrow tho marks a day for me. I've decided as I get my pay check from work - that I am not going to live with all this neglect of myself anymore. My pay check symbolises just one of many examples in my life over the course of this relationship that I have completely and utterly neglectly myself. I always has substantial savings and time and looked after myself so well. And now I'm lost.

So tomorrow marks a day when I choose to love myself - from tomorrow - to make a choice to actually stay home and do my own things esp those that I need to do and to put those things first over any excitement over the feeling of being hugged and all that.

I know in my intuition he is not right for me. Different values and to be so vain with himself and so judgemental of others and so lazy and ill and backwards and not smart at all, and smoke and drugs .

Those things aren't me and yet I cannot leave. Because I still value this relationship. I see his full on commitment to me and love the security. But I realise that I can perhaps still be in this relationship even if I put myself first. If I can begin to show myself security love and respect over it from him , then I am more likely to be in a position to judge what this is and any feelings etc. that if I can have my own time actually being away for awhile from him because I basically haven't had any breathing space at all for 6 months.

You know I don't want to be lugging my bags of stuff all the time not living fully in my own place - I hate living there I like to visit but I just don't want to live there.

I just use too much energy and all my resource to be with him - where I need to instead have long times having my own time .
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