Okay- so being home in my old environment and actually cleaning my room - my room at home- the one where I have spent most of my life.
And Ive taken back a bed that I had pushed together to make 2 for when ever rugs stayed over. And so its back to my single bed again. and it feels kinda weird.
I realise that when I am in this old environment, I get BDD symptoms - the old OCD starts up and I feel really agitated a bit and severely hate the way I look and quite scared of any reflective surfaces and the giant mirror on my ikea white wardrobe.
And I do know that although I was really into my health in terms of juicing more than 3 times a day and eating high raw and enjoying my food at the time in May- just before I was asked out by Rugs. I was also very very depressed with severe BDD at the time that I was even bedridden for quite some weeks. I was so depressed actually in that time. My issue was that I loved the way I was eating but I had lost so much weight that my face had drooped and it was really really bothering me. I remember going to see a clinic and had a few consultations on cheek fillings it was that bad- yet I couldnt look in the mirror in those sessions - I ended up seeing myself and it all feeling highlighted that I just was so ill. I couldnt hardly walk and pushing myself to go to the doctors and stuff was an ordeal. I also was in depression about Rugs who at the time flirted with me and was like a good friend at work most times and asked me out - to his place - treated me like a queen and yet made no intentions that he liked me - and then nothing. Like he jsut didnt want to know me. And of course my BDD and then seeing his Facebook page at the time with all pictures of models/women - it was just intimidating and severed my BDD. I was so depressed and then he got sacked from work so I got more depressed because even as a friend at work- someone my age with mental issues and the same sense of humor that I could laugh with and be myself - an actual guy my age I could feel comfortable around was very rare to me. It felt down to earth and then he wasnt there anymore. So I felt like I had lost a friend - or a potentual mate - I was caught up in.
And I just remember being so so ill. Like really whaling crying in the shower. and at one point then, I remember my parents went on a holiday for a week and so I was home alone and it was pretty hard. I had no distractions from my ocd/bdd and got really bad- I mean bad as in excruciating emotional pain - of hating the way I looked and not wanting my face to be seen anywhere - not even wanting my parents to see me when they got back.
But its funny because, I remember despite those things and then pushing myself each few times a week to go to work regardless, I remember messaging Rugs for the first time on Facebook and telling him I was sorry he was sacked and good luck for the future.
And it was at that point where he became friends with me on Facebook and then asked me over for the first time in 5 months (the first was new years and I think that was kind of intended as a date). I hated feeling rejected - I didnt know what that was I remember being so frustrated and hurt a bit.
But then he was asking me over at his place at like 9:30 at night, to sleep over and hangout and watch some films. So I just treated him as a friend. I thought, despite my issues with him and not knowing how he thought of me - I thought well he just must'nt think I am attractive then - and I just decided to look after myself though and concentrate on tryng to love myself and practice self care and being a positive person socially and authentically and just enjoy myself and try to get out of my bdd.
I guess it was thrilling to be invited to his place seeing I had an obsession with him because of the way he went about with me I guess - to just of left me hanging for months was really not nice and yet hint to me at work kind of as just a friend or more. It was a hard time but I learnt alot about myself and was able to find so many gold mines in myself at that period because of it.
But its still quite weird because from that point on - after a few times staying over his place and always talking on Facebook messages - and then he asks me out. And I remember saying that but he doesnt think Im attractive and he said that he did. But apparrently didnt like the way I dressed- which I am still really annoyed about and think what a superficial thing - and the point that I was actually wearing modern up to date clothing and not stuck in the nighties like him omg. Like Im wearing brand new online clothes from Asos and so on and he is wearing the same old second hand clothes. And hissister being stuck in the 90s too. I mean, what ever he had some image of all women being generic and having to wear a huge load of make up and dress formal all the time or something?
I dress pretty casual - I dress like a vegan lol. I like my fred perry or converse flats even keds, and I like to wear white and grey. I like to dress smart and cool. I like the idea of dressing like a ballet woman in between classes lol - if that sounds so funny.
You know - Im like a white tshirt and black pants or skinny jeans.
Im not going to wear some black 90s dress - or trashy fluero pink etc..